The Cold Kiss (6 page)

12

When I opened the passenger door, a plate of snow slid off the side of the car and crumpled on the ground by my feet. Inside, the overhead light came on, yellow and bright. I reached in and shut it off then stepped back and looked around to see if anyone was watching.

The wind had died and now the snow dropped straight down, thick and unrelenting, like an endless army of white.

I stood there for a while, until I was sure I was alone, then I reached into the car and pulled the blanket away.

Syl’s eyes were closed. He’d slipped to the side, and his mouth hung half open. In the shadow, his lips looked purple and I could see his tongue pressing out from behind his teeth like a swollen dark worm.

I reached down and grabbed his legs then swung them around until his feet hung out the door, then I leaned in and took his arm and pulled him up to sitting. He was heavy, so I ducked low and draped his arm over my neck then lifted him across my shoulders and kicked the car door closed.

I’d seen enough war movies to know how to carry a man, but this was the first time I’d ever done it, and it was harder than it’d looked on the screen.

Syl must’ve outweighed me by fifty pounds, and by the time I’d made it halfway to the playground, my legs were burning under me. All I wanted was to stop and rest, but I knew if I put him down, picking him up again would be even harder.

I kept moving and tried my best to focus on anything other than the weight on my back.

When I got to the edge of the playground, I stopped and looked out at the field in the distance. There was a single cottonwood tree standing alone in the middle of the snow, and from where I stood, it looked miles away.

I considered dropping him closer, finding a hidden spot in the playground and hoping for the best, but that wasn’t an option. In order for things to work, Syl needed to stay hidden for as long as possible.

Under the tree, buried in snow.

The longer he was out of sight, the less chance of someone tracing him back to us. If that meant carrying him all the way through the field to the tree, then that’s what I was going to do. I didn’t think I’d make it without resting along the way, but I was determined to get past the playground first.

I didn’t make it.

Halfway through, I stopped walking and eased Syl to the ground. I knelt next to him and waited for the burn in my legs to pass. When it did, I looked around.

I was surrounded on all sides by snow-covered animal rides. Rabbits, chickens, pigs, and horses, all standing silent and still on thick black industrial springs. There were swings on one end of the playground, and a set of monkey bars on the other, and in the middle was a slide shaped like a giant turtle.

I’d been right after all.

The turtle’s legs were thick ladders leading to the top of his shell. His tail was the slide, and on the other end, his head stretched out from his body and hung low over the ground. The turtle’s face was scarred and dim, and the eyes were the size of Frisbees. I could tell at one time they’d been painted white, but now they were weatherworn and faded to gray, the color of storm clouds.

I stepped closer then reached out to touch the turtle’s face. As I did, a white light passed over the playground. I turned fast then dropped to the ground and pushed myself back, under the shell.

I saw a car pull in from the highway and stop next to the office. The headlights were aimed directly at the playground. I didn’t move. My heart was slamming against my ribs, and I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing and tried to stay calm.

Syl was where I’d left him, lying on his side in the snow. The light shone directly on him. All it would take was for someone to look our way, and they’d see him.

I eased myself down to my stomach then inched my way out from under the shell. When I got close to Syl, I reached for his leg and tried to pull him out of the light.

He was too heavy, and it didn’t work.

Instead, I pushed him onto his back so he wasn’t quite as visible, then I crawled back under the shell and waited.

A few minutes passed, then I heard a car door shut followed by the welcome bells above the office door.

There were several small slots cut along the plastic shell, but when I looked through them I couldn’t see anything but the glare from the headlights. I wanted to see what was happening, but I didn’t want to take the chance of sticking my head out and being seen, so I stayed where I was and listened.

I don’t know how long I waited, but after a while my fingers turned numb and started to ache. I squeezed them together and breathed into them. It helped a little, but I was beginning to worry. The dull pain behind my eyes was getting worse, and I still had a long way to go.

A moment later, I heard the bells again. This time I sat up and looked out through the slots at the parking lot. I saw someone cross through the snow then I heard a car door open and close. It wasn’t long before the car backed away and the headlights moved, leaving us in the dark.

When I was sure they were gone, I crawled out and watched the car turn the corner and disappear between the buildings. I pushed myself up and out of the snow then walked toward Syl.

Every muscle in my legs felt stiff and frozen, and it took all the strength I had to lift him again.

Once I had him over my shoulder, I kept going along the same path toward the cottonwood tree in the distance. By the time I was clear of the playground, the snow was almost to my knees and the pain behind my eyes had tightened and turned sharp.

I had to force myself to keep moving.

I knew if I hit a rock or stepped in a ditch and lost my footing, there would be no way I could get back up.

All I could do was focus on each step.

I tried to distract myself by thinking of all the things Sara and I could do with the money. The idea I’d never have to see snow again was comforting, and I imagined standing with Sara on a beach somewhere surrounded by palm trees and blue water. I could see us with the baby, but not a baby, a child, a tan and happy child, running along the sand, chasing seagulls through a warm ocean breeze.

I looked up.

The tree was closer.

I told myself that we could buy a boat and sail out onto the ocean where we’d fish and sit in the sun until our skin turned dark. Then, after sunset, we’d lie together and stare up at the stars spinning clean and white through the night sky.

But most of all, we’d never be cold.

There was a sudden flash of pain behind my eyes. It was clean and bright and it tore through my head like a bullet. I felt my knees buckle, and for one sick, detached second, I thought I was going to go down.

Somehow I managed to stay on my feet, and I stood for a moment, trying to ride it out. Eventually, the pain dulled and began to fade. When I thought it was safe, I started moving again.

I don’t know how long I walked, but the next time I looked up, the cottonwood tree was right in front of me.

I ducked under the branches and crossed between several small bushes growing around the base. There weren’t many, and most were small and thin, but I was glad to see them. They’d give some extra cover, and that was all we needed. Even if they kept him hidden for one extra day, we’d still be one extra day farther down the road.

I walked around the tree, looking for a good spot to put him down, then my foot hit something loose and it slipped under me. I stumbled but managed to catch myself before I fell. Once I was steady, I stepped back and saw the ravine just beyond the bushes.

It was perfect.

I walked to the edge then turned and let Syl drop off my shoulder to the ground. He hit hard, then rolled into the ravine and sunk facedown into the snow at the bottom.

A second later, I heard him moan.

I stood on the edge, unable to move.

I told myself that I’d imagined the sound, that it was only the wind, but I knew it wasn’t true. There was no wind, just slow falling snow.

I stayed there for a long time, under the tree, staring at him at the bottom of the ravine, and listening.

Then he coughed.

Now I was far away, watching from a distance.

I saw Syl try to turn himself over, but he couldn’t do it, and he moaned again.

The sound was sad, panicked.

I saw myself step forward and slide down into the ravine. The snow at the bottom went up to my knees, and I struggled through it. Once I got close, I reached out to him then stopped.

I didn’t know what I was going to do.

The ravine was deep and I didn’t have the strength left to pull him out. Even if I could’ve, I knew there was no way I’d be able to carry him all the way back to the motel.

It was too late.

There was nothing I could do.

Syl was breathing hard, moaning, trying to turn over. I told myself I had to go, that I had to climb out and walk away, but I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t leave him, not like that.

I stepped closer and pulled him over onto his back.

When I did, he looked right at me, his eyes distant and unfocused. He turned his head from one side to the other before coming back to me. This time I saw a flash of clarity on his face, then understanding, then fear.

“I know you,” he said.

His voice was dry and thin.

I backed away.

The pain in my head was blinding.

Syl lifted one hand and tried to say something else, but all that came out was a long rush of air.

I started climbing out of the ravine.

Syl cried out, his hand shook.

I kept climbing.

When I got to the top, I could hear him shuffling around, trying to speak, trying to sit up. Once again, I told myself there was nothing I could do, that he was too far gone to help. I told myself I had to keep going, that he wasn’t going to make it no matter what I did.

I wasn’t sure if that was true or not, but it was enough to get me moving again.

As I walked away, I could hear him coughing but I didn’t look back. Sometimes I’d hear him crying out to me in that weak, dry voice, and every time he did, I felt something shrink inside me.

I tried to focus on Sara and the baby. I told myself I had to do what was right for them, that they were counting on me, and that I had to be strong.

No matter what, I had to be strong.

When I got far enough away I stopped and looked back at the tree and watched it lean and sway under the weight of the snow.

It was my last chance.

I knew if I didn’t do something, Syl was going to freeze out there. If I didn’t help, it would be the same as if I’d held a gun to his head and pulled the trigger.

In my heart I knew that I couldn’t leave him out there to die, that it wasn’t inside me, it wasn’t who I was.

But in the end, that’s exactly what I did.

13

I followed my footprints out of the field, and by the time I reached the edge of the playground I could barely stand up. The pain behind my eyes screamed through me, making it almost impossible to stay on my feet.

I could see the turtle up ahead, and I locked on to it and forced myself to move forward. When I got to it, I stopped and leaned against its shell. I felt my legs wobble under me and then a forest of black flowers bloomed behind my eyes. The world spun and I turned to the side and vomited into the snow.

It scared me enough to keep moving.

When I walked out of the playground, my foot hit something buried in the snow and I fell forward. I tried to push myself up, but there was no strength in my arms.

I stayed there, facedown, listening to my breathing, and feeling the snow burn numb against my skin.

I closed my eyes, and all I could think about was Vincent, and that it should’ve been me.

I don’t know how much time passed, but when I looked up I could see the corner of our building through the snow.

It was so close.

I pushed myself up enough to get my legs under me, then I stood and staggered the rest of the way through the parking lot. When I reached our building, I stopped and leaned against the side.

Dark shadows crept in from the corners of my vision, and I leaned forward and waited for them to pass. When they did, I inched along the wall to our room.

Once I got to the door, I saw a tiny red light floating in the air across the parking lot. At first, I thought it was my vision playing tricks on me, then the light got brighter, and I saw a man’s face in the glow.

I didn’t understand what I was seeing, then the red light flew into the air and landed soft in the snow.

A cigarette.

A second later, the door across the parking lot opened and someone went inside. I stood for a moment, hoping that what I saw wasn’t real, but I knew it was.

Someone had been watching.

Sara opened the door and stepped back.

“Oh, God!”

I went inside, then straight to my bag by the side of the bed. I grabbed my pills and tried to open them but my fingers were frozen and I couldn’t work the lid.

Sara took the bottle and tapped two pills into her palm then handed them to me.

I swallowed them dry then said, “More.”

She tapped out two more.

I took them, then sat on the edge of the bed.

“Are you okay?”

She kept her voice soft. She knew.

I told her I was, then leaned forward and tried to untie the laces on my boots. They were caked with snow and ice, and my fingers wouldn’t bend.

“Get my boots.”

Sara bent down and knocked the snow away then untied the laces. She pulled off my boots then my socks. They were soaked through, and my feet were numb.

I tried to stand.

“What are you doing?”

“Bath,” I said.

She helped me up then grabbed one of the candles from the nightstand.

“No light.”

“It’s just a candle.”

“No light.”

Right then, any light was too much.

Sara put the candle down then helped me to the bathroom. Once I was inside, she asked if I needed help.

I told her I could do it.

She stood in the doorway for a moment longer, then she stepped out and shut the door.

With the door closed, the bathroom was black except for a small frosted window, high up next to the ceiling. The light leaking through the glass was cold and gray, like a dying moon.

I leaned down and turned the water to hot then started taking off the rest of my clothes. When I was naked, I crawled over the side and sat in the tub and let the water cover me.

I kept my eyes closed until the stabbing pain in my head started to fade, then I looked up and focused on the window, hanging in the steam.

The water burned my skin, but I still couldn’t stop shivering. I could feel the familiar haze that came along with my pills. It pulled at me, removing me from the world one step at a time.

I welcomed it.

Once my headache was gone, I closed my eyes and slid under the water. The silence was glorious, and I felt like I could hold my breath forever.

When I opened my eyes again, the water had turned cold. I reached over and pulled the plug on the drain then got up and grabbed one of the towels off the rack and wrapped it around my waist.

I stepped out, bracing myself against the sink.

The room was dark and the tile floor felt cold and slick under my feet. I stood for a while, staring at my reflection in the mirror, but all I could see was a shadow, hunched forward, breathing.

Every time I closed my eyes I saw Syl’s face staring up at me from the bottom of the ravine. Someone told me once that freezing wasn’t a bad way to die, that eventually your brain just shut down and you fell asleep.

Nice and peaceful.

I wanted to believe it was true.

I grabbed the sides of the sink and squeezed. I could feel my pulse in my jaw, and I knew the pain in my head was still there, hidden under my medication, waiting.

The image of Syl wouldn’t go away.

I could still hear his voice, calling for me to help.

I wondered if he was already dead.

His voice got louder. I couldn’t escape it.

I bit the insides of my cheeks, hard, then stepped back and slammed my fist against the mirror. The glass shattered and dug into my knuckles, but there was no pain.

Syl’s voice was gone.

I stood for a moment, breathing hard, my heart beating strong in my chest. I could feel blood running over my hand and dripping onto the tile floor.

Somewhere far away, Sara was calling me.

I reached down and opened the door.

She was sitting up in bed, naked, and when she saw me she said, “What happened? Are you okay?”

I didn’t answer. Instead, I crossed the room and climbed on top of her, pushing her back on the bed.

“Nate?”

I kissed her.

She fought me at first, then she kissed me back.

I reached down and moved her legs apart.

“Wait, your hand. You’re bleeding.”

I held her down and pressed into her.

Sara inhaled, sharp, and dug her nails into the back of my neck. I drove into her, hard, over and over.

I felt her breath against my skin, hot and sweet.

“It’s ours, isn’t it?” she said. “It’s all ours.”

There were tears on my face, running down, mixing with my blood, covering us both.

I closed my eyes.

“Yes,” I said. “It’s all ours.”

She moaned, and her legs squeezed tight around me.

I thought about the ocean.

I thought about blue skies and lazy palm trees leaning softly into a smooth yellow sun. I thought about warm nights on an empty beach, Sara next to me, staring up at a shatter of stars.

We had more money than I’d ever imagined.

We could do anything we wanted.

We were free.

Yet I couldn’t stop crying.