The Coil (31 page)

Simon nodded. “Yes. From the start, actually.”

Mattie frowned, looking annoyed. “You know what? You always see these movies or those dumb TV shows where the guy and girl don’t talk, and then there’s always some predictable misunderstanding and someone gets hurt. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

“Yeah?” Simon replied hesitantly.

“Well, we talked. We talked all the time and we
still
fucked things up.”

Simon let out a small, watery laugh, and couldn’t help but pull Mattie into a hug. “You’re not wrong.” He was pleased when Mattie returned the hug, rubbing his hands along Simon’s back, but was disappointed when Mattie pulled away, putting that small, safe little square of space back between them.

Simon shrugged sadly. “That’s it, Mattie. I know it doesn’t undo how I’ve acted toward you, how I’ve hurt you, but I don’t know what else to say. I was scared of losing you—whether it be by you leaving for New York or getting tired of me—so I kept you away. I was afraid of my mother being unable to cope with seeing her gay son actually
be
gay and walking away out of Jamie’s life. I was afraid of
you
walking out of Jamie’s life.”

“And out of yours.”

“Yes. Yes, that’s it.”

“And….” Mattie bit the side of his thumb. “And you didn’t like that I was a
—
a prostitute,” he almost whispered.

Simon looked him in the eye and said softly, “No. No, I didn’t like that.”

“Because it’s dirty?” Mattie asked, sounding younger than his years but bravely looking him square in the eye.

“Because I was
jealous
,” Simon said firmly, hating how vulnerable Mattie looked, as if one blow from Simon, and only Simon, would kill him.

Mattie looked away, nodding once, and Simon felt the beginnings of panic. Mattie’s shoulders were slumped in resignation, and even though the air had been cleared, nothing felt resolved.

That was it then.

He swallowed hard, knowing it was time to leave and not come back.

“Mattie?” There was something inside of him, twisting so hard that he didn’t even care about the crack in his voice. “I know we’re done. I know I messed up and it’s over now, and this isn’t me trying to get you back. I just really, really need you to know that I love you. I loved you from the start, and I’m so sorry that we’re not going to be a family.”

He turned away, intending to collect Jamie and get out of there before he lost it and broke down completely, but Mattie’s hand on his arm stilled him. He watched, as if a butterfly had landed there and he was afraid of scaring it away, as Mattie’s hand slid down his arm to his wrist and then to his hand, cradling it.

“That’s it?” Mattie murmured, clutching his hand tightly. “That’s all the fight you’ve got left?”

“I don’t know what else to say….”

“You love me, right?” Mattie asked, his voice hitching.

“Yes. Very much,” Simon whispered.

“Then do better.”

“I
—
I don’t know what you—”

“Do something.
Say
something else. Beg me, or get angry with me. Make demands, do
something
.” Mattie quickly wiped at the corner of his eye with the heel of his hand. “Don’t let me just slip away.”

“Are….” Simon quickly wet his lips. “Are you saying that there’s a chance here?”

“For fuck’s sake, Simon, I loved you even before I knew what your name was. Yes, there’s a chance.”

Simon let out a startled breath, and a beaming smile threatened to split across his face, but he stopped himself in time. Mattie did not look happy. He looked alone, he looked scared, and Simon knew that Mattie needed some sort of guarantee, just as he had. He quickly brought a hand around the nape of Mattie’s neck, and suddenly knew exactly what he needed to say, and what he should have said a long time ago.

“I’m not letting you go, Mattie. You’re not going to slip through the cracks with me. I want you in my life and Jamie’s, to be a family, the three of us. And above all, I do
not
want you to ever let another man touch you intimately.” His thumb slid under Mattie’s chin, lifting it. “That all stops
now
. I’m not saying that as a jealous boyfriend, I’m saying that as your partner. If there are money issues, then we hash it out together, because that’s what partners do.” He pressed his brow gently to Mattie’s, closing his eyes. “You’re mine, and I’m yours. That’s it. That’s
it
.”

Mattie let out a soft, choked up laugh, his hands moving from Simon’s waist up his back to grip both shoulders, pulling him close. “See, was that so fucking hard to say?”

Simon smiled and wiped the dampness from the corner of Mattie’s eye with the pad of his thumb. “I missed you.” His gaze fell to Mattie’s lips as Mattie whispered his response. He tilted his head to the side to brush—

“Daddy?”

They both pulled apart with startled intakes of breath, having forgotten that they were not alone. Jamie stood by the kitchen table, one hand twisted up nervously in his cape, the other holding up a childlike—but nonetheless very good—drawing of a rabbit.

Simon and Mattie took a step apart, shooting each other sheepish glances. Mattie turned away to cover his smile as Simon knelt in front of Jamie.

“Oh, hey, that’s a rabbit,” Simon said with the appropriate amount of awe in his voice.

“It’s a bunny.”

“It’s a very good one. Well, I tell you what, when we get home, that’s going on the fridge.”

Jamie shook his head, looking at his dad’s shirt, where he reached out to toy with a button. “Not for you.” As if to clarify who the picture was for, he held it out in Mattie’s direction, but turned his body in toward Simon, suddenly shy.

Simon snorted and looked up to see Mattie—who was already a little emotional—crouch and take the picture, handling it as if it were the most precious gift that had ever been bestowed upon him. One look at the expression on Mattie’s face, and Simon had to press his lips together to keep from looking too smug. He already knew it was a done deal; with one drawing of a bunny, Jamie had snared the man for life.

“Guess you have something to put on your fridge now,” Simon murmured.

“This is wonderful, Jamie.” Mattie smiled. “Thank you so much, little man. This is going front and center, for all to see!”

“Can I play with the bunny some more?” Jamie whispered into his dad’s chest, still too unsure of Mattie to speak directly to him.

“Of course you can,” Mattie answered for Simon. “Any time you want.”

Simon stood as Jamie went back through to the living room, and couldn’t help but smirk a little as Mattie turned to him, speechless. He laughed and pulled Mattie back into his arms, and it wasn’t until that moment that he realized how empty his arms had felt over the last few weeks. “I missed this,” he whispered, clutching Mattie close. “I’m never going to risk losing you again.”

“You’d better not,” Mattie warned, bending to press a kiss to Simon’s neck and then detaching himself, much to Simon’s annoyance.

“Hey,” Simon protested.

“One sec.” Mattie pulled open a drawer to rifle through for something, then strode over to the fridge to tack up the picture. “That’s one hell of a bunny picture,” Mattie said with pride.

“Whether you realize it or not, that’s pretty much a stamp of approval from Jamie.”

“Yeah?”

Simon walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around Mattie’s waist, pulling him in tight against him. He took in the scent of Mattie’s hair. “Yes. He only draws pictures for the people he likes. Of course, having a
real
bunny probably scored you major points there.”

Mattie turned in his arms. “I think you were about to do something before we were so adorably interrupted.”

Simon didn’t waste a second longer and captured Mattie’s lips in a quick, searing kiss, pouring every ounce of regret, passion, turmoil,
everything
he had felt over the past few weeks into it. Eventually Mattie pulled away for a quick intake of breath. He cleared his throat.

“You
have
missed me.”

“Don’t even joke. You’ve no idea.” He gently pushed the bangs off of Mattie’s brow, raising his chin to plant a soft kiss there. “I can’t believe I haven’t been able to do this for more than four weeks.”

Mattie closed his eyes and ran his hands up along Simon’s arms. “Four weeks is a long time,” he agreed, then bit his lip. “A person could do a lot in four weeks.”

Simon pulled back to look at him. “Like what?”

Mattie considered toying with Simon, but eventually just came out with it. “I got my GED.”

Simon’s eyes went wide, and he held Mattie at an arm’s length before quickly pulling Mattie back into his arms, hugging him tight. “That’s fantastic! I knew you’d do it, Mattie. I’m so proud of you.”

Mattie laughed, pleased that he’d finally been able to tell the one person he’d most wanted to share his news with. “I’m on a higher wage now too.”

“That’s great, Mattie, it really is. Come here.” Simon took Mattie’s face in his hands, kissing him again, and then on the cheeks, his brow, over his closed eyelids.

Mattie felt his smile grow shaky as a lump formed in his throat. “I got my transcripts, and you were the one person I wanted to tell.”

“You’ve told me now. Come here.” He pulled him into a tight hug and whispered, “Never, never letting you slip away again.”

M
ATTIE
slowly came to wakefulness, feeling warm and comfortable. He stretched and rolled onto his side, reaching for the space where Simon had recently been. His hand splayed over the still-warm spot before reaching to hug Simon’s pillow close in the man’s absence.

He sighed contently into the pillow, hearing Simon and Jamie’s chatter not far away, and finally rolled onto his back, opening his eyes to look up at the ceiling. It still amazed him at how quickly they had managed to fall into routine.

He was not a morning person, and so, more often than not, Simon and Jamie would be up and dressed long before him (something the pair enjoyed teasing him about). But then he didn’t take much time at all to get dressed and ready for the day, so he figured it evened out.

Not only that, he also liked to give Simon and Jamie a little alone time first thing in the mornings. It’d become some sort of unspoken understanding over the past month between the two of them that Simon would get Jamie up and ready for the day ahead on the occasions that Mattie stayed the night, and then Mattie would join them for breakfast. There was strictly no slap and tickle in the mornings when five-year-olds might be awake and listening, which he couldn’t agree more with.

He still lived in his shitty apartment, more or less. What had begun as one or two nights a week where Mattie would spend the night had become more like four or five. He had a toothbrush and razor in Simon’s bathroom. There was a spare drawer where he now kept a few essentials. The house, along with Simon and Jamie,
felt
like home to him. But he instinctually knew that this relationship would not progress along at the same speed as other couples might. He and Jamie had become fast friends, but there were still boundaries to be respected.

He at least knew it was more than some trial period to see if Jamie would accept this new person into his home. He and Simon had discussed as much, and both knew where the relationship was heading, and that was toward something permanent. But he also knew it would be all too easy to overwhelm Jamie, or to unintentionally cause him distress by taking up too much of his dad’s time. It was a careful balance, but they were steadily finding their way.

He heard the door creak open and lifted his head, expecting to see Simon with a cup of coffee in hand, but instead looked down to see Jamie hovering in the doorway, clearly uncertain of his next move.

Mattie pulled the quilt up under his armpits and sat up a little. “Hey, little man. Have you come to say good morning?”

Jamie’s finger traced the edge of the door, but he remained silent. Mattie noticed that Jamie was still in his PJ’s, and the cowlick that was ohmygodadorable had yet to be tamed by Simon. He rolled onto his side, along the edge of the bed, and beckoned Jamie over with a crooked finger and a playful “
psstt
.”

He saw a ghost of a smile on Jamie’s lips (which always felt like the biggest victory in the world) and smiled as Jamie came over toward the edge of the bed.

“You’re still in your PJ’s.”

Jamie nodded, his eyes on the coverlet as he traced the swirling pattern.

“I’m in my PJ’s too,” he whispered conspiratorially. He
was
wearing boxer briefs, so technically he wasn’t lying.

Jamie giggled, and then to Mattie’s utter surprise, he climbed up onto the bed beside him. Mattie cautiously made room for Jamie, not wanting him to fall off the edge of the bed and also not wanting to crowd him. He’d seen first-hand what happened when Jamie felt crowded.

It had been something so small that had set him off, but Jamie’s reaction had stunned him nonetheless. Jamie had been playing with his building blocks, stacking them into tall (and rather impressive) towers as he, Simon, and Sarah chatted over coffee in the living room. He stood to take Sarah’s mug, and unaware of how close by Jamie was playing, he’d accidentally stood on his cape just as Jamie was moving away. As a result the cape had tugged at his neck, and the usually quiet, happy kid had burst into tears. Those lovely brown eyes had screwed tightly shut, his small fists pounding into his knees as his anxiety increased.

He’d stood by helplessly as Simon tried to comfort him, eventually cutting Mattie an apologetic glance and taking Jamie into another room while Sarah tried valiantly to assure him that he hadn’t hurt Jamie in any way.

After that he’d discovered a newfound respect for Simon. Not because it felt uncomfortable or awkward to be around Jamie when he was in such a state, but because it was painful to see the little boy so deeply upset and frightened. Simon dealt with that every day. He took it in stride and was one of the few things that could calm Jamie down. Oddly enough, he now saw Simon in an all-new light, suddenly even more attractive than before with an almost alpha-like quality. What had cut him deep, however, was the downright worried look Simon had cast him when rejoining him and Sarah afterward. It hurt him that Simon had reason to feel that fear, and he’d been more than eager to prove to Simon that same night that he had not been scared off.