The Christmas Mail Order Bride (Holiday Mail Order Brides, Book One) (12 page)

She sucked in a breath.  Good Lord!  Was he going to kiss her?
Why would he do that? Why on Earth would he kiss you? Why? Why? Why?

Always the voice of fear screamed its way from her heart to her head, always when the hope of love, at long last realized came, it shouted and drove her in the opposite direction.

She stifled a sob as he knelt and looked at her, his head slowly coming closer. He abruptly stopped, turned his head away and sighed.  “All right then,” he said.  When he again looked at her, his face was calm, yet his expression flat.  “Get some sleep.”  He then stood and left the room.

As the door closed behind him, the hot tears of disappointment began to stream down her face, the voice of fear loud and triumphant.
See?  See he left you just like all the others.  He doesn’t want you!  Who would ever want you?

Summer turned, fell into her pillow and screamed.  “Shut up!  Go away, just go away!”

Fear did leave then. But it left behind what it always did, a heart broken by a lifetime of rejection and disappointment. A life lived day to day with the knowledge that she would always be alone.  That one day, she would die the same way.  Alone and unwanted.

Summer wept bitterl
y and cried into her pillow as she so often did when the battle with fear raged.  “Why, Lord?  Why doesn’t anyone want me?  And now that I’ve met someone who does, I can’t let him?  Why?  Please, please heal me from this!”

But
Summer felt no comfort after she cried out.  Not like she sometimes felt in the past.  Instead, her tears came in violent waves and soon her pillow was soaked with them when her strength was finally spent.

By the time Mrs. Riley
came into the room after listening to Summer’s pain filled weeping, it was to find the girl’s head upon a wet pillow, her tear stained face red from crying, and her body so exhausted from her recent battle with herself she lay as if dead. 

Mrs. Riley looked
at her and brushed away her own tears before she knelt down beside the bed and did the one thing she knew would help.  She prayed.

Twelve

The next week passed with
eerie repetition for Summer.  Clayton and Spencer left before dawn every day and by the end of the week, came home to tell them they were heading out with the posse for a few days in search of an outlaw called Red Ned.   Summer had gone from being the happiest girl in the world for a brief few days to feeling nothing but an odd sort of numbness.  It was how she always felt after a couple had rejected her at the orphanage.  Why would she feel any different here?  Of course, Clayton hadn’t told her he didn’t want to marry her anymore, but why else would he be spending so much time away from the farm?  They came home late for supper, and often times Mrs. Riley helped her to her room and into bed.  She hopped from room to room during the day and at the end of the week was delighted when Doc Brown brought her a pair of crutches.  Now at least she could go outside and help Mrs. Riley with more of the work. 

Summer fed the chickens and did other simple little things around the barnyard. And even though it was growing colder by t
he day, she enjoyed the time spent out of doors.  It gave her time to think and decide what to do.  Several times she sat on the porch swing and let the cold air embrace her.  Once so badly, she barely managed to get out of the swing with Mrs. Riley’s help.  She’d received quite the scolding for letting herself get so cold and Summer decided to be careful of her time spent outside from then on.  She didn’t want Mrs. Riley to worry.  And the woman
was
worried, Summer could see it in her eyes whenever she looked at her. Perhaps it was because Mrs. Riley suspected her son was pulling away from his bride to be as well, that it was only a matter of time before he announced he changed his mind and would be sending her back.

Summer thought on the possibility all week.  Why else would he be staying away from her?  He’d hardly spoken three words to her since Thanksgiving!  And now he was gone completely for who knew how long!  How many days
would
it before they returned?

As it turned out, Clayton and Spencer were gone off and on for nearly three weeks before they finally returned from their search unsuccessful, tired, and worn out. By the time they managed to drag themselves back to the farm after giving up their search for the outlaws they were totally spent.  Clayton and Spencer got home and without a word, both crawled up the stairs to their rooms and hadn’t been seen from since.  At least until early afternoon the next day when Summer happened to be in the kitchen peeling apples for a pie.

She stopped
breathing when Clayton entered the kitchen and headed for the stove.  Summer had kept the pot of coffee warm for when they did get up but worried it would be too old by now.  She watched as he poured himself a cup, ran a hand through his sleep tousled hair, and came to the kitchen table.  He noted the crutches that she’d propped against a chair but said nothing.  He just stood and stared at them.

He then looked at her.

Summer felt herself go cold.  His eyes were expressionless and he said nothing.  She might as well pack her things up and head to town right now.

“Clayton, sit down and I’ll make you something to eat,” Mrs. Riley said as she came into the kitchen. “Is Spencer up yet?  Oh but you look a fright!”
He slowly looked at her and shook his head.  He took another sip of coffee before he once again looked to Summer, his body still as a statue, and stared.

It was all she co
uld do to sit there.  What was he thinking?  Why didn’t he just say it? 
I’ve changed my mind, I’ve thought about it while I was out searching with the posse, and I’ve decided we won’t suit.

Finally Summer could stand it no longer.  “I think I’ll go finish the mending now,” she choked out as she reached for the crutches.

Clayton numbly looked at her
as his eyes narrowed to slits.

“What?” She suddenly demanded. “What is it you want to say to me?”

She was angry then, angry he was toying with her. Angry that he wouldn’t say what he needed to say and get it over with!

But all he did was stare,
his face like stone as he stood straight and slugged down what coffee was left in the cup then looked to his mother. “I have to go to town.”

He
then turned and left.  Left without another word. 

Summer couldn’t help what she did next.  She choked back the tears threatening to erupt and went to her room.  She would leave.  Enough of this torture!  She’d pack up her things and hop to town if she had to!

Mrs. Riley followed her to her room. “Now don’t think he’s upset with you dear.  Something’s eating him, tha
t’s for certain, but I’m sure it has nothing to do with you.”

“Nothing?” Summer blurted out on a sob.  “How can you say that? Didn’t you see the way he was looking at me?  He’s going to send me away, Mrs. Riley, I just know it!”

She turned from her then, ashamed of her outburst, ashamed to speak the truth to a woman who had shown her nothing but kindness.  Oh how she wished she could stay!  But how could she knowing Clayton was done with her?

“Don’t say that,” Mrs. Riley began. “Neither one of us knows what’s wrong with that boy, but
rest assured I’m going to find out!” She spun on her heel and stomped out of the room.  Summer listened as the back door of the kitchen opened and slammed shut.  Fine, let Mrs. Riley hear it before she did.  Let Clayton tell his mother what he was going to do.  Summer would make sure she wouldn’t be around long enough for him to tell her!  She’d have Spencer drive her into town.  She’d then ask Doc and Milly if she could stay with them a few days until she could make other arrangements.  Of course, Clayton would be
sure
to make arrangements. Arrangements for her to leave that is and she was certain she wouldn’t have to wait long.  But she couldn’t stand the thought of hearing him say it. To hear him tell her he was sending her back. If only she could escape without seeing him, without having to talk with him.  Perhaps then she wouldn’t feel her heart completely shatter and break.

Break.  Why does a heart break?  Why should she feel anything at all?

“Oh Summer …” she said to herself as realization hit. “Why’d you have to go and fall in love?”

She sat on the bed and closed her eyes.  When did this happen?  She’d been fear
ful for the last three weeks!  Ever since Thanksgiving night!  Sure she tried to stay occupied by helping Mrs. Riley sew the dresses she was making for her.  She was wearing the brown calico now and Clayton hadn’t even noticed!

Summer choked back another sob and looked about her room for the few things she had.  She stood, hopped to the trunk at the end of the bed and picked up the blue calico dress they’d finished just last night.  It was
beautiful and Summer began to feel guilty about taking it with her.  Perhaps she should leave with only what she originally brought.

She struggled to get down on her knees and pull her satchel out from under the bed.  She pushed herself up, threw it down
on the mattress and opened it up.

“Going somewhere?” A familiar voice cooed from behind her.

Summer inwardly groaned as she turned around. 

Charlotte Davis
glided into the room and glanced about.  “My, my!  Packing already? Oh I’m so sorry!”

Summer stood straight and squared her shoulders.  She would not let this woman see how upset she was! “It never would have worked out anyway.  It’s for the best.”  She let her anger take control, numb her to what was happening.  Nothi
ng like adding insult to injury, now she had to deal with this!

“Where is everyone
?  I drove up, knocked on the door but no one answered.” Charlotte asked with genuine concern.

“Clayton …”
Summer began. “He went to town.  Mrs. Riley … she must still be in the barn. She went out there earlier to … she’ll be back in a moment I’m sure.”

“Oh, that explains it.  And Spencer?  Is he all right?”

“Yes, he’s still asleep. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m very busy.”

“I can see that.  Leaving are you?”

“Why else would I be packing?” Summer said through clenched teeth.  It was all she could do to keep her control.

“I’m so sorry, really I am.  It’s such a terrible thing.  Tell you what, I’ll drive you into town so you don’t have to disturb Spencer.”

Summer froze.  Here was her chance, her chance to run, run from the pain, run from the heartbreak that was sure to come if she heard it from Clayton himself.  She spun to Charlotte. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“I came to see if Clayton and Spencer were okay.  Billy came over to the house to see Abbey after t
he posse got back to town.  They all had a rough time of it out there.  More men were wounded …”

Summer’s face fell.  “What?  How many?”

“At least five.  That nasty outlaw Red Ned has been giving our men a heap of trouble these last couple of months.”

Summer closed her eyes a moment.  How could she be so selfish?  Here she was worried about what Clayton was going to do to her and she hadn
’t given one thought to what might have happened to him while searching for a blood thirsty outlaw.  “What am I doing?” She whispered to herself.

“Packing?” Charlotte finished for her.

Summer again looked at her. “Take me to town.  I … I need to go to town.”

“Yes, I’d be happy to.  Let’s hurry then.”

Summer grabbed the crutches and went to get her coat near the front door. 

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Charlotte called after her.

“No, let’s just go!  I have to talk to Clayton!” Summer called back as she quickly put the coat on.

“All right, I’m coming.” Charlotte said as she quickly glanced about the room
again.  She then stuffed the blue dress into the satchel, grabbed whatever other personal items she could find, threw them in, and then promptly tossed the satchel into the trunk at the end of the bed.

She smoothed back her hair then innocently
sashayed down the hall to the front door.  “Let’s hurry so you can catch him before he heads out anywhere.”

Summer stopped and looked at her, “Thank you.”

Charlotte smiled broadly.  “Oh don’t mention it, I can see you’re a woman in love.”

Summer too smiled.  “Yes, yes I am.” She then turned and headed out the door.

Charlotte’s smile quickly faded as she watched Summer hobble down the steps and head to the buggy.  “Too bad Clayton will never find out.”

* * *

Mrs. Riley pushed herself up from the barn floor.  She’d not been able to talk to Clayton, probably be
cause Clayton didn’t talk at all.  He said nothing to her as she came into the barn as he quickly saddled his horse.  Said nothing as she implored him to tell her what was wrong with him, and when he did finally speak, it was only to say that he was riding over to the Johnson’s farm adjacent to their own to see Mr. Johnson before he went to town.  He rode out of the barn and took off through the orchards to the neighboring farm and never looked back.  She’d sunk to her knees then, sunk down and heaved a sob.  What was wrong with her son?  She’d never seen him so bleak.  What happened to him while he was out there this time?  He’d gone out with other posse’s but never had he come back so distraught and full of despair!  She prayed then, prayed and wept for her boy, for both of them.  And while she cried out to God, she never heard the buggy that pulled up, nor did she hear it leave.  So when Mrs. Riley finally dried her tears and slowly made her way back to the house, it was with shock and worry that she discovered Summer had disappeared.

* * *

Charlotte kept the horse at a good trot all the way back to town.  Summer shared light conversation with her and noted how well the woman could handle the horse and buggy as they drove.  She was somewhat jealous, but then it wasn’t something she couldn’t learn to do herself at some point.  Maybe Clayton would teach her.  She sniffed back a tear at the thought. 

Clayton, she
had
to talk to him!  She’d tell him, tell him how she felt!  Tell him now while she was angry and not suffocated by fear!  The fear never let her speak, never!  It bound and gagged her as sure as any ropes and strips of cloth could.  But Summer was determined not to let it this time!  The moment Charlotte told her how bad it was for Clayton, Spencer, and the rest of the posse on their last search, her heart broke. Not because of rejection and not because of any thoughts of Clayton sending her away, but with thoughts of what Clayton must have been through. Whatever it was, it had to have been horrible.  She knew how he felt about his men, any man that rode with him.  Many of them had families of their own, Mrs. Riley told her so. Who knew what horrors the men had seen or suffered in the search for the outlaw gang that terrorized the farms and surrounding towns? 

Suddenly what she felt didn’t matter.  What did was that she made sure Clayton was all right.  It was as if he was in some sort of shock when he looked at her earlier.  As if he’d seen something so terrible, he couldn’t speak of it.  She knew what that was like, had experienced it herself when ever a fellow orphan died which was often. Especially in winter, and though she’d not known real winter until now, the orphans got sick during the colder months back in New Orleans all the same.