The Child Whisperer (2 page)

Why Every Parent and Grandparent
Should Read This Book

P
eople joke that children don’t come with a handbook, but they’re wrong.

Every day, children tell their parents exactly how they need to be parented. Your children are trying to tell you
who
they are so you can recognize and treat them in a way that honors them uniquely. All you have to do is learn to read the clues that they are naturally giving you.

Your children are their own handbook. This book that you are reading right now is your guide to understanding them and their true natures more clearly.

By true nature, I mean your child’s innate, inner self—their natural quality of moving, thinking, feeling, and relating to the world. Your child’s true inner nature expresses itself outwardly in appearance, body language, tone of voice, and choice of words. Your child’s true nature is inscribed in the shape of their face, eyes, nose, and eyebrows. Every day, your children
move
in a manner true to their nature, expressing their core intrinsic movement in their play, their walk and talk, and their physical characteristics. From sun up to sun down, your children give you giant clues about who they really are and the personalized parenting they need from you.

. . . .

BROCK’S STORY

Children Tell Us Who They Are

Brock is a determined little guy. Ever since he could walk, he just went for whatever he wanted, rather than ask for it. He climbed up the furniture or went outdoors, always after a goal. His mother says, “I’ve never seen such a determined child.”

One Sunday morning, when Brock was three years old, he heard that the family planned to go to church. But it wasn’t time to leave yet. That didn’t matter to Brock.

Just a little while later, his dad got a phone call from a neighbor, saying that Brock was at the church. Brock had left the house wearing only a diaper and his favorite rubber boots. He’d walked across a very busy road, and down the street to the church, where he was knocking on the door. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t dressed and that the family wasn’t ready yet—he went anyway! Without saying a word, Brock told his parents that he has a willful, determined nature that naturally moves others into action.

Many parents might see this determination as “bad behavior” that requires discipline to change. But Brock’s parents have become Child Whisperers, so they have the tools they need to direct Brock’s strong will in a way that helps him develop it as a gift in his life and the lives of those around him.

. . . .

Understanding your child’s true nature will help you better recognize their natural gifts and talents, more clearly see their personal challenges, and know how to guide them more easily. You will feel empowered as a parent to raise your child with more understanding, more joy, and the confidence that you’re helping them fulfill their special purpose in the world.

Why Child Whisperers Discipline Less

After applying the concepts you learn in this book, you will also need to use less discipline. Do you have a difficult kid? A rebellious teen? You won’t anymore. Your children actually want to be cooperative, not defiant. When honored for who they really are, children will cooperate more easily as a by-product of parenting efforts, and you will experience increased cooperation and harmony in your parent-child relationships.

. . . .

KAELA’S STORY

More Cooperation, Fewer Fights

Kaela is a six-year-old who used to get out of control when she felt upset. She threw things. She kicked. She didn’t handle frustration well. Her mom used to put her in her room and shut the door so that Kaela would learn to control herself, but it only made things worse.

Now that her mother understands Kaela’s naturally methodical nature, she’s become a Child Whisperer. She knows how deeply Kaela values plans—even at an age as young as six. Her mother even said, “I have realized that I inadvertently caused much of this tantrum stress by jumping quickly from one activity or requirement to another.” When she communicates her plans to her daughter, those tantrums just don’t happen much anymore.

Whenever Kaela starts to get out of control, her mother approaches the situation differently now. She gets down at her daughter’s eye level and asks, “What is causing you so much stress?” Kaela feels immediately validated. She expresses why she feels upset or unprepared. Mother and daughter have now changed their pattern from struggle to cooperation. Kaela’s mom says, “We’ve really cut down on the screaming and throwing fits.”

. . . .

A Note to Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles,

Educators, and Friends

To grandparents
: If you are a grandparent reading this book, you most likely do not have the primary responsibility to raise your grandchildren (if you do, please read this book from the perspective of a parent). As a grandparent, you play a supporting role in how your grandchildren are raised. Understanding your grandchild’s true nature helps you be a support and create many endearing moments for your grandchild to bond with you. As a result, your grandchild will see you as the best grandparent ever!

To educators, friends, aunts, uncles, and anyone else who wants to become a Child Whisperer
: As you read this book, consider the children you come in contact with regularly. This book will give you the insights and tools you need to support them in living true to their nature in whatever capacity or situation you interact with them.

The Ultimate Goal of This Book

As I mentioned earlier, we have bought into the cliché that children don’t come with a handbook. Well, it’s high time that changed. It’s high time we start understanding what our children are trying to tell us every day.

The goal of this book is to help you become a Child Whisperer—someone who recognizes the messages children send every minute, even when they don’t know how to say their needs out loud. When you become a Child Whisperer, you will understand what your children’s tantrums, rebellions, friendships, and joys are telling you about their true self.

As a result, you will develop a unique parenting approach that honors and supports your child, eliminating a high percentage of conflict and discipline. You will recognize your own child’s unique priorities and point of view. This book will also show you the specific desires your child
needs
you to fulfill in order to feel truly loved and honored. When you fulfill those needs, you will fill up your family life with joy and understanding you may never have experienced. . .until now.

How Our Parenting Can Change Humanity

A change in our parenting approach doesn’t stop at our own families.

What you will learn in this book has the potential to dramatically change the way we raise children and how we understand others and ourselves. Parent by parent, child by child, we will change humanity.

Many of today’s parenting models provide parents with if/then scenarios: “When a child does A, then you do B.” “If a child acts out this way, then you discipline this way.” This sort of advice is reactionary and conditional. And it just plain doesn’t work. It focuses on reacting to behaviors rather than understanding and honoring the root of those behaviors.

Many of us were raised under a hierarchical pattern of parenting. In other words, “Do what I say because I am the parent!” As children, we were led to believe that our parents knew best for us, simply because they were older than we were. This model no longer works (and, quite frankly, it never worked). It allowed parents to get away with a lot of bad parenting and less effort to instruct their children or to truly know who their children were.

Children are not responding to this threat anymore. They are not bowing down and submitting themselves to a parent’s sense of false authority backed with little understanding. Children are coming to this world more fully expressive and committed to living true to their natures. This is GREAT, as these children are less willing to be repressed and wounded by parents, grandparents, and other adults in their lives.

The challenge, then? If you don’t understand and honor your child’s true nature in your parenting approach, you will most likely experience unpleasant, frustrating, or even painful interactions with them.

You don’t have to stay locked in frustration or struggle forever. You don’t need to wonder when your child will stop going through this “phase.” As a parent or grandparent, you can unlock the secrets of your child’s true nature, discover their specific motivations, and let them show you exactly what they need. You can raise a child who feels capable, confident, and valuable in the world. You can start today.

Just imagine. . .

. . .a world in which the “Terrible Twos” do not exist.

. . .a world where teenagers don’t rebel.

. . .a world where families support and honor each other and peace prevails effortlessly.

This kind of world is possible. It starts with understanding and honoring your child’s true nature. It starts with becoming a Child Whisperer. And when you become a Child Whisperer, you don’t just become a better parent. . .you create a better world.

Could You Be Wounding Your Child
And Not Even Know It?

S
ome approaches to parenting are “wounding parenting styles,” meaning they inadvertently wound children. They are not intentionally hurtful—in fact, any given parenting style may work for certain children. But standard parenting practices just don’t take into account your child’s true nature. The easiest way to wound a child is to ignore, judge, or squash that nature!

Just like children express a unique nature, so do their parents. Most parents are naturally drawn to parenting approaches that honor their
own
true nature, rather than their child’s, just because that approach feels more natural to them.

. . . .

SYDNEY’S STORY

Slow It Down

Sydney’s mother has told her many times in her life to hurry up. She wanted Sydney to move quickly and finish things a little faster. Ever since discovering Sydney’s true nature, she’s stopped asking that.

Sydney’s mother has learned that she herself naturally expresses a more swift, dynamic energy. And Sydney’s own natural movement is more gentle and flowing. The two of them have come to understand that they express different natural energy and movement—and both are okay.

Sydney’s mother says this about those former power struggles: “I could see the goal, be it cleaning her room or finishing her homework. I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just do what needed to be done (and quickly). I could have avoided many conflicts and tears had I just realized that she could take her time and still complete what was important. My greatest joy in raising this child is seeing her sweet, honest concern for others blossom into a mature appreciation of the gifts everyone brings to the table.”

Now that mother and daughter understand each other’s own unique energies, they can honor each other as Sydney becomes an adult and they move into a new phase in their mother-daughter relationship.

. . . .

Why the Self-Help Industry Exists

In the current billion-dollar self-help industry, millions of adults spend loads of time and money trying to find themselves, looking for healing and self-understanding. For most, this healing involves recovering from the wounds and traumas of their childhood.

Why do we have so many wounded, insecure adults running around? Yes, there are those who experienced traumatic and abusive childhoods. (Not to be dramatic here, but I throw myself into that group! I have personally spent a few decades and many thousands of dollars in pursuit of finding and living the true Carol!) But others who experienced relatively good childhoods still feel like something’s missing, like they are not free to be their best selves.

In the more than twenty years I have worked in the field of self-help and personal development, I have assisted hundreds of thousands of adults in re-discovering their true natures. I have found that it does not take trauma or abuse to wound a child! All it takes is not seeing them for who they really are and parenting them in a manner that goes against their true nature. Over time, this pattern of parenting finally convinces a child that they are inherently flawed.

That is why adults all over the world mistrust their true natures. Because their true natures were never validated and honored, they did not allow themselves to develop a personality congruent with who they really were. These adults have trained themselves to “be” someone they are not! Somewhere deep inside, they believe they are not really good enough. How painful and limiting! This is no fault of our parents. They were raised by people who didn’t ultimately understand their true natures either!

What All the Frustration Really Means

During my weekly
Better Parenting
radio show podcast, I have helped parents worldwide discover that most of the conflict between them and their children results from a lack of understanding of who their children really are and what they really need.

Parents all over the world encounter situations that stump them, and many of their dilemmas boil down to one frustrating pattern. Children resist parenting styles that run contrary to their true nature. Parents feel frustrated and confused because their approach
should
work because it “feels right” to them, or because it worked for their parents. The parent then tries to get a child to comply through discipline. This may achieve the short-term result the parent wants, but it does not support a child in creating inner confidence and self-love.

Here’s Your Parenting Pop Quiz

Answer these questions honestly to discover whether you are inadvertently wounding your child by not knowing how to parent them true to their nature:

• Have you ever wished your child would just stop doing something they always do?
  
• Does your child ever withdraw from you, either physically or emotionally?
  
• Do you ever feel drained and frustrated as a parent at the end of the day because of a way your child behaves?
  
• Do you ever look at other people’s kids and wonder what’s wrong with yours?
  
• Do you wonder how to get your children to stop fighting?
  
• Have you ever said, “I just don’t understand this kid”?
  
• Do you want your child to respect you and listen to you?
  
• Are you experiencing a child that is rebellious?
  
• Does your child seem distant from you?
  
• Are you experiencing your child throwing tantrums on a regular basis?
  
• Do you ever say to yourself, “I just don’t know what to do with this child!”?
  
• Do you ever perceive your child as a “problem child”?
  
• Do you talk to others on a regular basis about how hard your child is to deal with and that you just don’t understand why?
  
• Do you get angry and yell at your child more than you would like?
  
• Do you feel you have to threaten your child a lot to get them to respond and behave?
  
• Do you feel you have to constantly stay on top of your child to get things done?
  

If you answered
yes
to one or more of the questions above, don’t worry or feel bad. Just recognize that it’s time—time to stop accidentally wounding your child and time to start raising them in a way that honors and supports you both.

You may not see how your answers to those questions may wound your child. Or maybe you do. Either way, you will know what to do about them by the end of this book. You will see that parenting doesn’t have to be a frustrating experience. You will learn how to encourage and support the very best in your child easily and joyfully—and true to their nature. You will be a Child Whisperer and your children will be grateful that you are.