The Chickens of Atlantis and Other Foul and Filthy Fiends (26 page)

So Darwin awoke to find himself upon the deck of a ship. Many faces grinned at him and some went, ‘Ooooh,’ and others, ‘Arrrrh,’ whilst others belched bad breath.

Darwin drew himself up to a-sitting and found a pewter tankard being thrust into his hands.

‘Drink well, me hearty,’ someone said, whilst others ‘oooohed’ and ‘arrrrhed’ again.

‘Pirates,’ came the voice of Jack. ‘We're on a pirate ship.’ And then he said something that later many would say, but not for at least one hundred years.

‘How cool is
that
?’ said Jack.

Darwin sipped grog from the pewter tankard. ‘
Very
cool,’ said he, and looking all around and about beheld the pirate vessel.

It looked to Darwin's mind the way a pirate ship
should
look. The wooden deck, the ship's wheel and the masts. The barrel for storing limes to stave off scurvy. The cannon and the powder kegs, the sails above, the Jolly Roger flying.

The pirates were as pirates should be, have been, would be, ought to be the wide world over. Or at least around the Spanish Main and places such as that.

Tricorns naturally found favour, broad belts tucked with cutlasses and flintlocks. Ragged frock coats, lacy shirts, sea-faring boots and bandanas. Each and all covered in a layer of grime, for pirates are rebels and cannot be made to wash.

Grizzled beards were to be observed, and various body parts generally considered if not essential, then at least favourable to retain, were notably absent. Hence the proliferation of eyepatches, hook-hands and carved wooden legs.

And as it is generally agreed that most, if not all, pirates originated in the West Country, they spoke with that glorious Cornishy and mellowy twang that has made National Talk Like a Pirate Day the twenty-first-century institution that it has so rightly become.

‘Cool,’ said Jack. ‘So
very
cool. And they have parrots and everything.’

A parrot said, ‘Hello,’ to Darwin, then added, ‘Pieces of eight.’

‘So,’ said Darwin, rising to his feet, ‘we have been rescued by pirates.’

‘Ooooh,’ and, ‘Aaaarh,’ went the pirates bold, taking a single step back as one. ‘A talking ape, well, shiver me timbers,’ and things of that nature generally.

And then one bigger than the rest stepped forward, thrusting others aside. ‘A talking ape?’ he bellowed. ‘What demon-spawn is this?’

‘No demon-spawn, I,’ explained Darwin, ‘but a monkey butler, schooled in man-speech by a visionary with an evolutionary hypotheses that—’

‘He has fine words about him,’ bellowed the pirate chief, for such was this overlarge fellow. ‘He can serve a while as me cabin boy, before we sell him on.’

‘Ah, no,’ said Jack, stepping forward. ‘This ape belongs to me.’

The pirates now fell into laughter, as pirates will do at the drop of a three-cornered hat.

‘Are you challenging Black Jack MacJackblack, captain of the good ship
Venus
?’

‘Not as such,’ said Jack. ‘And my name's Jack, too, by the way. But he's still my monkey.’

Darwin made a certain face towards Jack. ‘We should just thank the nice gentlemen for saving our lives,’ he suggested. ‘Matters of ownership regarding myself might perhaps be postponed until I—’

‘Don't he go on a fine treat?’ Black Jack MacJackblack laughed and the pirate crew took to great laughter with him.

Then, ‘Hold on there,’ said Jack. ‘Did you say the good ship
Venus
?’

‘As I took in sky battle over Plymouth,’ quoth Black Jack.

‘I know the song,’ said young Jack.

Darwin chewed upon his knuckles, for he knew that song, too.

‘Song?’ asked Black Jack. ‘What song be this?’

And young Jack started to sing:

‘I'm sure the captain does
not
want to hear
that
,’ said Darwin.

‘Don't interrupt
me
when I'm singing,’ said Jack. ‘I'm a prince, after all.’

The pirates took another step back, and as they ‘oooohed’ and ‘arrrrhed’ again, Darwin let out a groan.

Jack raised a puzzled expression.

Darwin whispered, ‘You should not have mentioned
that
.’

‘
A prince!
’ roared Captain Black Jack. ‘A prince, do we have on board?’

‘Quite right,’ said Jack, doing princely posings, ‘and you should show me some respect.’

‘Over the side with him!’ shouted a pirate.

‘Fetch the plank,’ cried another.

Black Jack snatched young Jack up by his regal collar. ‘We don't hold with princes,’ he told him. ‘We sends princes to Davy Jones.’

‘Or the aerial equivalent thereof,’ remarked a pirate with literary pretensions. Because there is always one. Because it is a tradition
^*
amongst pirates to embrace a broad spectrum of types, so long as they all adhere to the accent.

‘Aaaar-harrr,’ added the pirate with literary pretensions.

‘The plank! The plank!’ shouted the pirates.

‘No, no,’ cried Jack, now a-feared.

But pirate hands and pirate hooks were upon him and he was lifted into the air and bounced around and about.

‘Please don't throw him off the ship,’ pleaded Darwin.

‘You're
my
monkey now,’ bawled Black Jack MacJackblack, ‘so shut up your noise if you knows what's good for you.’

Darwin watched in horror as pirates jostled Jack about and a plank was pushed out over the side of the ship.

‘Over you go, bonny prince!’ Pirates laughed and waggled weapons as Jack was nudged along the fearful plank.

Jack peeped down to the sky beneath, where the harpooned shark circled below.

‘No,’ wailed Jack, ‘please don't. I want my mum.’

‘
Please
don't,’ shouted Darwin.

The pirates just chortled and prodded.

‘And over he goes,’ yelled the captain.

And over—

But then was heard one rather magical word.

‘
Treasure!
’ shouted Darwin. At the top of his voice.

The pirates paused, because this word
was
magic.

‘Treasure,’ Darwin said once more, when he had
all
their attention.

‘What of this?’ demanded the captain. ‘What do you say of treasure?’

‘
Great
treasure,’ said Darwin. ‘
Very great
treasure. In the prince's castle. If you take us safely to it, all of it can be yours.’

‘What of
this
?’ The captain glared at Jack.

‘Well, I
am
a prince,’ said Jack. ‘But it's
my
treasure.’

‘Grrrrrr!’ went Black Jack MacJackblack.

‘He is a rather silly young prince,’ said Darwin. ‘But there is a very great deal of treasure, and if you take us safely to the castle,
all
of it will be yours.’

The pirates took to mumbling. Some of them mumbled, ‘Rhubarb-rhubarb,’ for they were extras who did not have speaking parts.

‘Quiet, ye swabs,’ called the captain. ‘I be a-thinking, I be.’

‘Many fine clothes, too,’ added Darwin. ‘You might wish to extend your wardrobe. Perhaps add an extra dash of colour here and—’

‘Shut it!’ cried the captain. ‘Or I'll hollow you out and—’

‘Not a word more,’ said Darwin.

The captain now did a bit of marching up and down the deck. He did it with a certain flair, for he had a wooden leg. ‘Where be this castle?’ he said of a sudden, turning on Darwin the monkey.

‘It is the castle of Skia the Sky Whale.’

‘Oooh-hoo,’ ‘Arr-harr’ and ‘Arrr,’ went the pirates generally.

‘But where be it?’ the captain enquired.

‘How would
I
know?’ said Darwin. ‘
I
am only a silly monkey.
You
are the mighty pirate chief, who holds the command and respect of his crew through his authority and knowledge of such matters.’

The pirate crew went ‘ooooh’ and ‘aaar’ and their collective gaze swung from Darwin to the master of the ship.

‘Aaar,’ said Captain MacJackblack.

‘A pirate chief,’ continued Darwin, returning all eyes to himself, ‘has boundless knowledge of where treasure might be found. It is instinctive, or so I have been informed.’

The gaze of all returned to the captain.

‘Aaar,’ said that fellow once more.

A grumbling mumbling came from the pirates. Someone said, ‘Rhubarb,’ quite loudly.

‘Right, me hearties,’ called the captain. ‘We be sailing for treasure. Weigh the anchor, trim the sails and tots of rum all round.’

The pirates cheered and waggled their weapons.

Jack asked politely, ‘Can I come down from this plank?’

*
Or an old charter, or something. (R. R.)

31

he sails of the good ship
Venus
gathered wind.

Darwin sat on the captain's deck, drinking the captain's rum. Young Jack made his grumpy face and idled about with a scallop.

‘It is
my
treasure, Darwin,’ he said for the umpteenth time.

‘You might perhaps thank me for saving your life,’ said Darwin.

‘Thank you,’ said Jack. ‘
And
a pirate stole my sword.
And
another one touched me inappropriately.’

Darwin raised his eyebrows to that. ‘All will be well,’ said he.

‘All will be well!’ And Jack rolled his eyes. ‘I don't believe that captain knows where he's going.’

‘Nor do I,’ said Darwin, tasting further rum. ‘But at least we are safe up here for now and going somewhere or other.’

‘I should be the captain of this ship,’ said Jack. ‘Prince outranks captain. Everybody knows that.’

‘I would have thought,’ said Darwin, quietly, ‘that everyone would know that pirates have no love for princes. Everyone but
you
, apparently.’

Jack made a face much grumpier and with that folded his arms.

Darwin arose, to find himself unsteady. ‘It is very fine rum,’ he said. ‘And this is certainly an exciting adventure.’

And then it occurred to Darwin that he did have that appointment with Mr Bell at nine o'clock the following morning. And now he did not even know over which farflung part of the globe the ship was flying. Darwin stumbled to the rail and took a peep. Cloudy lands lay scattered below, and beneath them rolled the ocean.

‘Oh, well,’ said Darwin, returning to the captain's rum.

Jack said underneath his breath, ‘They are not having my treasure.’

The captain appeared on the captain's deck and bid them a hearty hello. He slapped young Jack upon the back and offered a wink to Darwin.

‘We're making good headway,’ the captain said, and he tugged from a frock-coat pocket a shiny brass compass and took to perusing its face.

‘Shall we soon arrive at the treasure-filled castle?’ asked Darwin.

The captain glanced askew at the ape. ‘Just mind your tongue,’ quoth he.

‘It must be nearly time for lunch,’ said young Jack, grinning up at the captain. ‘I would like roast leg of lamb and potatoes, but no greens.’

‘Pirates don't eat greens,’ the captain said. ‘And you mind your manners or you'll find yourself on the menu.’

‘You were to convey us in safety,’ said Darwin.

‘I recall no written contract to that effect,’ said the pirate chief.

‘I would like Treacle Sponge Bastard for pudding,’ said Jack.

The captain shook his head, then clipped Jack round the ear.

‘Ouch,’ said Jack.

And on the good ship sailed.

It was certainly magical up there in the clouds, with wonderful cloud islands and great cloudy dolphins and small cloudy fish and this thing and that and the other.

Darwin leaned upon the ship's rail and grinned rather foolishly. He had drunk a tad too much rum, for sure, and he did feel stupidly happy.

‘Look at it all,’ he called to young Jack. ‘Isn't it just so—’

‘Cool?’ said Jack, who was spitting again, this time onto seagulls. ‘Yes, it is
very
cool, and I would be having a good time myself if I was
not
being held to ransom by pirates and did
not
have a kiwi's egg inside my belly.’

Darwin gave himself a scratch. ‘I have fleas,’ he said.

‘And you seem proud of them,’ said Jack. ‘I wonder if I can live in the castle of Skia.’

‘How does a whale have a castle, I wonder?’ said Darwin.

‘Ah,’ said Jack. ‘Well, I know that, cos I've seen them. The big sky whales are
very
big and carry great big castles on their backs.’

‘Why?’ asked Darwin, and, ‘How?’

‘Who cares why
or
how?’ said Jack. ‘They just do.’

‘And what is so special, I wonder, about this Skia?’

‘I expect it's the Skia in the fairy tale,’ said Jack.

Darwin peered down the rum bottle's neck and found the rum bottle empty. ‘I have been to Fairyland,’ he said. ‘I did not take to it very much.’

‘So you know the story of Skia?’

‘No, I don't,’ said Darwin. ‘Tell me it now, if you please.’

‘I am too big a boy for fairy tales, but I'll tell you it all the same.’ Jack sat himself down with his back to a mast and so began the tale.