The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism (29 page)

While you listen, be fully present, and try to avoid preparing your response. Instead, focus your entire attention on determining precisely what the complaint is. Ask questions to make sure you understand. If someone says, “I just don’t feel good about the way this meeting went,” ask, “Could you tell me more? I really want to understand. What is it about the meeting that made you uncomfortable? Was it the people, the timing, or something else altogether?” You can also try to restate your counterpart’s complaints in your own words. You’ll know you’ve listened enough when they say, “Am I talking too much?”

Goodwill Matters Here, Too

Just coming into a conversation with the mindset of “Help me understand how you see things” can change the outcome completely. The simple fact of being in an open mental stance affects your voice, your facial expressions, the words you use, and your body posture, and it dramatically changes the emotional tenor of the interaction. Your goodwill is written across your face and shows up in your every microexpression.

Use any of the internal tools we’ve covered to inject warmth into the interaction, and call on your kindness charisma. Think of keeping your chin down, your eyes wide open, and your voice warm and slow, leaving frequent pauses to make room for the other person to jump in should they feel the urge to do so.

Once you’re sure that you fully understand the complaint, and if you agree that the fault was yours, a true-blue apology is in order. Surprisingly, your wording can be very simple (again, body language is what really matters). A simple “I’m very sorry” delivered with full presence and full warmth can work wonders.

What matters is the thoughtfulness, concern, and sense of
personal involvement that you convey. There is, for instance, a significant difference between saying “I’m sorry” rather than just “Sorry.” The first shows that you, personally, identify with and feel touched by the situation they’re in. Sincerity is key: you need to sound as if you really mean it, rather than just apologizing to calm them down.

Show that you understand not only the direct consequences of your actions (or inaction) but also their ramifications. In a business context, you might show that you understand how this mistake impacts their goals or the success of their business. Then show what you will do to make things right or to make sure it never happens again. What steps will you take? Be as concrete as possible.

Mistakes happen, even to the best of us. But if you put these principles into practice, even your missteps can become opportunities. When well handled, these difficult interactions can become bonding experiences, and your relationships can gain a new depth.

Phone and E-mail

As far as charisma is concerned, phone and e-mail communication come with specific challenges. Clearly, much of nonverbal communication is lost. On the phone, you lose all visual communication, and through e-mail you lose everything but words. In addition, e-mail doesn’t allow you to make midcourse corrections based on how the other person is responding.

However, the main principles remain valid: think of the timing, the setting, and the situation the person may be in. Plan the order in which you write e-mails and phone calls from least to most important, to improve with practice. You can also use visualizations before important calls and e-mails to get into the right mental state so that the right words and tone flow effortlessly.

On the phone, always ask, “Is this a good time for you?” before launching into conversation. No matter how important your information or how pleasant your call, bad timing means bad results for you. The person may be under a deadline or in the midst of a crisis.

Once you’re in a conversation, pay attention. You need to be as
focused as if you were face-to-face—perhaps even more so, as you have fewer visual clues (such as body language) to read and must rely only on auditory signals. Focus and be quiet. Do you think you can get away with eating, drinking, or working on your computer while talking on the phone? Not so fast. Eating and drinking are out. Even if you think you’re being quiet, the person will hear you chewing and swallowing because receivers are specifically made to amplify sound. People will just as surely hear you typing and wonder what it is you’re really paying attention to.

Reading your e-mail or surfing the Web are also inadvisable—too often, this will cause a slight lag in your response time, which will make you sound like your mind is wandering.

Delayed vocal response can have the same effect as delayed facial expressions. If your mind is wandering, your distraction might show. Being present on the phone is at least as important as it is in person. In fact, it’s easier to project presence in person because of the many different ways you can communicate. By phone, you need to work that much harder at it for it to be received.

To communicate presence, Michael Feuer, the founder of OfficeMax, says that he often closes his eyes when listening. I was struck by how good a listener he was: even on the phone, I could
feel
the intensity of his listening, how well he absorbed everything I was saying.

For best results, get up from your desk and away from all distractions. Stay standing and walk around (your voice will sound more energetic) while focusing entirely on the phone call. Just as actors do when they lend their voices to puppets, use the same body language techniques as you would in person. As actors know, this will greatly enhance your voice. Remember the smile studies that showed that listeners could identify sixteen different types of smiles based on sound alone.

Listen to what the other person is saying and what’s going on in the background. If you hear the other phone line ring, ask if he needs to answer it, and assure him that it’s all right with you. He’ll appreciate it, and you don’t want his brain split between vaguely listening to you and trying to figure out whom the other caller may be.

Here’s one specific—and surprisingly effective—recommendation for phone charisma, courtesy of author Leil Lowndes: Do
not
answer the phone in a warm or friendly manner. Instead, answer crisply and professionally. Then, only after you hear who is calling, let warmth or even enthusiasm pour forth in your voice. This simple technique is an easy and effective way to make people feel special. I recommend it to all my business clients whose companies have a strong customer service component. The gains in customer satisfaction are impressive.

When writing e-mails, you can apply all the tools and principles you’ve learned in the past sections. Review a few of your past e-mail messages. How often does the word
I
appear, as opposed to the word
you
? Does the e-mail speak about you and your interests first? Don’t try to fight your natural tendency (we’re hardwired to primarily care about ourselves, after all). Instead, write out the e-mail as you normally would, but before you send it, simply cut and paste so that whatever pertains to the other person appears first
and
most prominently.

You can also do this with your marketing materials, whether it be your Web site, brochures, or anything that represents you or your company to the world. When consulting to large firms I often recommend that they go through their marketing materials (you can do the same with your e-mails) using two different-colored highlighters, one for things relating to them and the other for sentences that speak to their potential clients. If the second color doesn’t predominate, they have a problem.

Just as in speaking, watch the return on investment of your sentences: measure the length of your e-mail against the value it was delivering. I give many of my clients the assignment to read over their e-mails before they send them. They must trim as many extra words as possible until there is nothing left that could be deleted. To paraphrase Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, author of
The Little Prince:
perfection is not when there is no more to add, but when there is no more to subtract.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Approach difficult people individually and choose the right charisma style for each person and each situation.

Express appreciation for their help or positive impact: it’ll make them rationalize their actions in your favor.

When delivering bad news, get into a state of compassion, and show warmth and care in your timing, body language, and verbal language.

When delivering criticism, get into a state of goodwill, and focus the request for change on specific behaviors rather than on personal traits.

When delivering apologies, show presence in hearing them out completely, show warmth in your apology, and show power in how you’ll correct the mistake or prevent its reoccurrence.

With phone and e-mail communication, use all the tools you’ve learned for in-person communication.