The Certainty of Deception (3 page)

The determination in my voice must have spoken volumes, because Jared bounced momentarily on the balls of feet and then shot straight up.  He offered me his hand, pulling me up from the ground.  An agreeing smile curved the corners of
his mouth, as he took my hand in his and shook it hard.

“Agreed.  Now, get your ass home and clean yourself up.  You look like shit.”

Gavin laughed heartily, and extended his hand to Jared.  “Hi, I’m Gavin.”

Jared accepted his hand, providing a firm shake.  “Jared Christopher.”

“Good to meet you, Jared,” Gavin said.  “I wish it were under better circumstances though.”

“Same here.”

My stomach gurgled, reminding me of all the alcohol I’d consumed.  “Sorry to break up this little party but...”  I pushed myself away from them and rushed to the bushes, expunging the contents of my stomach. 

Yep, I’ll feel this in the morning.

“I love you, Andy,”
her
warm breath whispered with such tenderness in my ear. 

My eyes shot open.  Sweat speckled my brow and tickled down my back.  Deep in my chest, my heart thundered, rumbling all the way to my ears.  Cotton sheets stuck to my skin.  I swallowed back the tears that
fought to pour down my cheeks.  I’m a fucking man.  I couldn’t let my heart get the better of me. 

I rubbed my hands over my scalp.  Since
she’d
left, I’d buzzed my hair off.  It was easier to tend to, but at times like this, I missed it.  I had nothing to pull when frustrated.  Each beat of my heart stabbed with the pain of loss. But it was only a dream.  A sweet, wonderful dream.  One I didn’t deserve. 

“Fuck this shit!” I screamed, beating my hands against the mattress.  “This is torture!”

I sat up, tossing my feet over the side of the bed.  The covers tangled around my legs, forcing me to kick them off with limited success.  Leaning forward, I clutched the mattress, balancing my weight on the edge of the bed while wiggling my toes into the soft area rug beneath my feet.  I tilted my head to the side, glancing toward the open doors of the balcony.  The moon still dominated the sky, but only by a sliver.  Shimmering light dangled over the water’s edge, beckoning me.

Out of habit, I cut my gaze to the alarm clock next to my bed.  Five-thirty blinked back at me in neon green.  I rubbed my hands over my face.  “Is it too much to ask for a decent night’s sleep?” I asked Mr. Sandman, knowing that bastard had once again abandoned me.

The last time I slept through the night was with
her
by my side.  Thinking her name hurt too much.  Saying it was even worse.

Say it, you pussy.

“McKenzie.  There?  You happy?” I vociferated myself.

Like I said, torture.  So much torture, in fact, that I’ve resorted to answering myself.  But at least I stopped drinking.  That alone was a plus. 

Mickie.

Her name was like poison to my lips, my mind, my heart, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t find a cure.  She left me.  She fucking left me.  Yet every hour of every day since she’d left carried her name, like a whisper in the back of my mind.  She was my first thought in the morning and my last thought of the evening. 

I inhaled deeply followed by a shallow exhale.  There was no point in staying in the bed.  If I did, I would end up staring at the ceiling and whacking off to images of her in my head.  Although, while that did have some allure, I knew it wouldn’t help.

There was really only one way to calm my nerves. A long, hard run.  I kicked the remainder of the covers away.  Usually I’d make my bed before leaving, but not today.  Ruby would take care of it.

I put on a pair of running shorts and a jersey.  With my Nikes tied tight, I pulled on my favorite sun visor before tucking my iPod, cell phone, and wallet into the back pocket of my jersey.  I trotted down the stairs, already feeling better just by moving.  The house was quiet and relatively dark as I walked through the living room to the kitchen, making my way out the backdoor to the garage. 

The cool morning breeze brushed across my face, filling my nostrils with the salty scent of ocean water as I paced the few meters to the garage.  Once inside, I turned the light on and stood there for a few seconds, pondering what vehicle to take.  Wyatt was a master at making sure all of my vehicles were prepared at a moment’s notice.  I’d always been a stickler for driving myself.  There’s something about the control over a vehicle that gets my blood pumping.

I closed my eyes, and her presence once again surrounded me.  Without thinking, I pulled the keys from the lockbox for my Honda CBR600RR and climbed on.  Many times I’ve told myself I should trade it in for a newer model, but I’ve never been able bring myself to do it.  This was the first real toy I’d bought for myself.  It held a special place in my heart.  The orange and black paint job was fucking cool even though it was stock.  A twist of the key and the bike roared to life.  I revved the engine a few times to warm it up while waiting for the garage door to open. 

A glint of the morning sun started to peek over the horizon, but the pitch black sky choked it.  Not one to ride without my helmet, I ripped my visor off, latching it to a loop on my jersey and pulled on my helmet.  With that I was gone.

There was only one destination for me.  Siesta Key Beach.  Sure, I lived on a beach, but private property often hindered my run.  Besides, I liked the softness of the sand at Siesta Key.  The fifteen minute drive was enough to chill my skin.  Not that I minded.  In only a few hours, the sun would dominate the sky, and the heat would conquer all of Sarasota.  Summer heat was the worst.  The humidity alone was enough to keep a person indoors.  But the water spoke to me.  If I could live in the water during the summer, I would.  Of course, I was on the wrong coast for great surfing, but I didn’t mind taking my board out periodically to catch a few small waves.

Once I arrived at the beach, I quickly stretched my legs.  There was no time to be wasted.  Headphones in my ears, I found my running playlist, and turned up the volume to drown out everything around me.  This was my time, and no one was going to bother me.  I took a deep breath and started running.

My feet hit the soft sand of the beach and in an instant my whole body relaxed.  It knew what to do without me having to tell it.  I started out at a slow pace working to get my heart rate up.  Gradually I picked up speed until I was at a full sprint.  As I ran, my head shifted through all the thoughts and feelings I’d been struggling with lately.  Plans, arrangements, every minute detail ticked off in my mind like a calculator.  I was about to make a bold move, but it was necessary.  I needed her, and I couldn’t wait any longer.  This morning was proof.  I was on the verge of losing my mind.  It was that simple.  I’d been a fool to let her get away, and dammit, I was going to fix it.

Harder and harder I pushed myself.  The ache in my chest dissipated with the burn in my legs.  The morning sun finally began to make its appearance in the sky, but allowed the moon to linger for a short time longer.  Sweat poured down my face, as I pushed my body to its breaking point.  When I couldn’t take it any longer, I stopped.  I was out of breath and boiling in anger and hurt.  Two months she’d been gone, and no matter how much I wanted to hate her for running away, for leaving me, I couldn’t. 

The sound of my pulse rumbled in my ears, drowning out the sounds of Marilyn Manson.  Buckled over, I tried to catch my breath.  I pulled my visor from my head, and looked up into the rising sun, squinting at the bright light that was burning through the scattered clouds. 

This had to work.  Going to Amarillo was my only choice.  Deep down, I knew
she
still loved me.  She was hurt.  Who wouldn’t be when the man you loved knocked up your best friend?  She had every right to want to step back from that, but I needed her.  She had no idea how much I needed her.  In the past, I’d written off people who gave up on me, but I wasn’t about to make that same mistake again.  Not with McKenzie.  She was more important to me than anyone I’d ever been with. 

At the water’s edge, I stood up, gazing at the white foam of the waves as they rushed over the soaked sand.  My body ached.  The air, saturated with salt water from the spray of
those waves, filled my lungs, burning my chest with each haggard breath I took.  But the pain felt good.  It reminded me I was still alive and I could fix things.  I was sober.  I’d stay sober.  She deserved that.  I deserved that.  And even though I couldn’t care a less about Olivia, our baby deserved that.   

After a few moments, I pulled my visor back on and was about to turn around to head back to my bike when I noticed a shadow coming toward me.  The sun was obscuring my view, but my heart leapt all the same.  I stood still, unable to request my legs to move.  Had she come back to me?  Could it possibly be McKenzie?  I squinted my eyes, as the figure drew closer to me. 

I knew before the runner reached me that she wasn’t McKenzie.  No matter how much my heart wanted it to be.  For starters, this woman was much taller than my Mickie.  But it was more than that.  There wasn’t that fire that usually burned deep inside me when in her presence.  McKenzie consumed me.  The air would shimmer with heat.  A blaze of desire, need, lust, and love scorched me from the inside out, even at a distance.   I felt none of that with the woman approaching me.

As she approached, I examined her more closely.  The stranger was nothing like my girl.  McKenzie ran in an old t-shirt and shorts.  She was conservative, tender, and modest.  This woman wanted people to look at her.  She was self-absorbed, dressed in gym shorts and sports bra.  Nothing about this woman had an allure to me.  Without even speaking to her, I knew she thought very highly of herself, and was used to men fawning over her.

I dropped down into the sand, letting the runner pass me.  Her eyes moved over.  She gave me the look that I’m very much accustomed to.  Had it been a year or two ago, I might’ve even tried to strike a conversation with her.  But not now.  And she got that hint rather quickly when I didn’t look back at her.  In almost a huff, she continued down her path, probably prowling for another lonely soul.

With my guest nothing more than a shadow, I took in my surroundings.  A small chuckle stuck in my throat upon realizing where I’d stopped.   It was in this very spot that I first noticed McKenzie Evans.  It was here that she stole my heart and made it her own without her realizing it.

That first day, I was drawn to her unlike anyone I’d ever met before.  My relationship with Olivia Hamilton was superficial at best.  It was more of an arrangement of convenience for me.  I dated her, and Gavin stayed off my back about having a revolving door at my house for women.  Yet, seeing McKenzie in the early morning light, sitting in this exact same spot, reached a place in my heart that I thought had been dead for a very long time.

I ran past her, giving her the exact same look my stranger had just given me in hopes to entice her a little.  Much to my surprise, she flirted back.  It was amazing.  I felt on fire.  And her blush consumed me when she realized I’d caught her staring at my ass.  But unlike my recent guest, she didn’t attempt to follow me.  So, I continued to run and led her to believe I was gone, but I wasn’t.  I came back around to listen to her as she talked on the phone.  Her voice was that of an angel’s.  A thick southern drawl only added to the luster that was the blonde beauty before me.
  Even from where I stood, I could hear the anguish in each word she spoke.  This woman, so beautiful, so heartbroken, understood the pain I did.  I had determined in myself that once she got off the phone, I would approach her.  However, before I could make my approach, she was off the phone and running again.  I took that as a sign that I should leave her alone, which was a stupid move on my part.

But fate has a funny way of fixing human blunders.  Later that night
, I came face to face with my angel again in the most unlikely place.  Olivia’s apartment.  Olivia warned me that McKenzie was coming.  My heart broke when she explained that McKenzie was struggling over her miscarriage.  I more than understood that sort of loss.  It was a burden I carried with me every day, but knowing Olivia as I did, I expected yet another shallow friend of hers.  She surrounded herself with mindless people who were obsessed with power and wealth.   It seemed to make her feel better about herself, and befriending Morgan, my future sister-in-law, was the cherry on her ice cream. 

There I was, ready to fake yet another smile, when
she
appeared at the door.  The fire that radiated from her burned through me.  And the way she looked at me was both adorable and priceless.  I had to fight the urge to laugh.  She was nothing like Olivia or her usual cast of friends.  This woman was real.  She didn’t dress in name brands and her mannerisms weren’t calculated for sex appeal.  I’d never met anyone so genuine in all my life.

Once we were alone, flirtatious conversation started between us, and there was no stopping it.  We bantered back and forth as if we’d known each other all our lives.  McKenzie was enchanting, even if she didn’t realize it. 

The mood shifted from playful to serious later that night.  I sat there in Olivia’s living room, watching this stunning creature lost in her remorseful thoughts.  How I ached to hold her.  Every fiber of my being wanted to steal the pain away.  I knelt in front of her and listened as she spoke.  Being a divorce lawyer, I’ve spent many a day in that exact position, but with McKenzie it was different.  It was like listening to my own story being told by someone else.  Her loss, the distance she felt, and her anguish ripped me apart inside.  I hated Nate for making her feel alone.  I wanted to rip the fucker’s throat out for ever making someone so pure feel such pain.  I couldn’t understand why I would have feelings like that for a complete stranger, but looking back, I realized that McKenzie was never a stranger to me.  She was the missing half of my soul.