The Certainty of Deception (19 page)

At that moment I was happy that the rain covered the tears that I could no longer control.  “All right,” I winced.

“All right,” she repeated.

I rubbed my hand over my face, knocking water away from my eyes.  The sting remained, but the pain was dulled by the agony of my heart shattering. It was time for me to let go.  I puffed out my chest, sucking back the lump in my throat, and uttered the two words that would literally destroy my world, “Goodbye, McKenzie.” 

They tasted bitter on my tongue.  No sooner had they left my
mouth that I wanted to take them back.  But what was done was done.  There were no take backs.  I turned away from her, moving toward the sidewalk.

“So, that’s it?  That’s all you have to say after sending me that chicken
shit text message.  Goodbye?”

I stopped, keeping my back to her.  There was no way I could face her.  Not when I was falling apart inside.  I shrugged one shoulder.  “What would you have me say?”

She huffed, “Nothing.  Nothing at all.” 

I stepped up onto the sidewalk.  Each step I took weighed me down further.  My shoes had become cement around my feet. 

“You know what, just go.  It’s what you’re good at,” she stated.

I stopped, frozen in place.  All of the pain I felt, the anger that refused to subside, the deep despair of actually giving up on someone I loved exploded into a fit of rage.  I turned on the heel, digging it into the pavement.  Bouncing off the sidewalk, I marched up to her, closing the gap between us.  I leaned forward, bring my face to hers.  Staring her eye to eye, I wanted to hate her.  I needed to hate her, but being this close, I felt the love burn inside me.  Even still, the anger was far more powerful.  “How dare you,” I spat.  “I’ve never run away from us, McKenzie Evans. 
Ever!
  You’re the one who left me.  You’re the one who’s too afraid to love me.  Well, I’m tired of chasing after you.  I can’t do it anymore.  You wanted me out of your life and I’m giving that to you.”

She clasped her hand over her mouth.  “I left you?” she gasped.  “You think I left you?’

I threw my hand out motioning to vast wasteland that was Amarillo, Texas.  “We’re here aren’t we?  This doesn’t look like Florida to me.”

“Tell me something, Drew,” she barely whispered.

“What?” I snarled, slapping my hands against my thighs. 

Her big, blue eyes lifted to meet mine.  A storm raged harder and stronger in her eyes th
an the one that was pouring on top of us.  “Why did you even come here?”

“I thought that was obvious.  I came here to get you back.”

She shook her head.  “In other words, you couldn’t stand the idea of losing.  The great Andrew Wise couldn’t lose.”

I took a step back, stunned.  The fact that she accused me of such a thing sickened me.   “I...oh...wow,” I winced, raking my fingers through my hair.   “Is that what you really believe?  That you’re some prize for me to win.”

“Aren’t I?”

“Absolutely not,” my answer came swift and sure. 

“What am I supposed to believe, Andy?  You accuse me of running away, when you’re the one who left me.”

“I beg your pardon?” That was impossible.  I never left her.  She was everything I needed.  What would make her think that I left her?  I squinted my eyes trying to make sense of
what she was saying.  “When did I leave you?”  She shook her head, as if I was too stupid to understand.  “Tell me,” I demanded.  “When did I run away, McKenzie?”  My voice shook with anger.

McKenzie raked her teeth across her bottom lip, shaking her head in a constant rhythm.  “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It matters to me.”

McKenzie thrust her fingers through her wet hair, pushing it back from her face.  “You checked out the night Liv told us about the baby.  You left me there
, Andy, stranded.  I had to take care of her as she cried in the middle of the restaurant.  All the while, my whole world was crumbling around my ears, but I did it for you.  Then for a week I tried calling you and got no response.  I gave you space, thinking you needed time, but when you called Liv first, I realized you were through with me.  It took me texting you goodbye for you to contact me.  Can you imagine how devastating that felt?”

Oddly enough, I could.  It took me texting her goodbye to make her come to me tonight.  I didn’t know what to say.  There was nothing I could say. 
I’m sorry
simply wasn’t enough.  All this time I’d thought she left because I knocked up Olivia.  It never occurred to me that she viewed my actions as me leaving her.  What she didn’t understand was that I didn’t leave her.  In my dejection over the news of the baby, I fell back into my old habits.  How was I to make her understand the ramifications of Olivia’s news?  Olivia didn’t just ruin my plans with McKenzie; she sent me spiraling back into a darkness that I’d spent years clambering out of.

“It’s not what you think,” I rasped.

“No?  Then why did you leave me again this morning?  You promised you’d stay, yet the moment we were discovered you bolted.  It wasn’t Jackie discovering us that I was afraid of this morning.  It was her discovering us and you bolting again.  Gah!” she exclaimed.  “I knew it was a mistake to sleep with you last night, but I thought maybe, just maybe if we spent time together, we could figure this thing out.  Stupid me.”

She moved toward the car door, placing her hand on the handle.  “Maybe you’re right.  Maybe we’re just no good for one another.  All we ever seem to do is hurt each other.”

“It’s not what you think,” I repeated.

There are a few things I learned to be certain in this life.  One, the truth always hurts.  Two, lies will always be revealed.  And three, a person can run from their past, but no matter
how hard or fast they run, the past will inevitably catch up with them.  My past had finally caught up with me.

“I’m going to go, Drew.  Have a safe flight to Boston tomorrow.”  McKenzie pulled the handle.

My heart lodged in my throat.  My grief was almost enough to choke me to death.  “You don’t understand.  I didn’t leave
you
.  I didn’t run away from
you
.  I ran away from
her
.  I had to get away from
her
.”  Hot tears spilled down my cheeks.  This was the moment I’d been afraid of since McKenzie and I embarked on this whirlwind relationship.  I knew the day would eventually come, but I never expected it to be like this.

McKenzie tilted her head sideways.  Resignation was written all over her face.  “Away from who?  Olivia?”

I covered my face in my hands.  Sobs broke free from my chest.  I hated to cry, but I couldn’t control it any longer. 

McKenzie wrapped her fingers around my wrists, pulling my hands away from
my face.  “What aren’t you telling me, Andy?”

The words were out before I had a chance to think about what I was saying.  “I’m not the man you think I am.  I’ve done something terrible and I’m afraid you’ll hate me for it.”

McKenzie blinked repeatedly in confusion.  “What do you mean?”

A tremulous note hung in my voice as I whispered, “I killed my daughter.”

Startled, McKenzie released my arms and backed away from me.  “You did
what
?” she gasped.  Fear released the anger in her eyes.  For the first time she was seeing me for the real monster I was.  “You better not have hurt Olivia.  Oh, God.  I knew you weren’t happy about the pregnancy, but I never thought-”

I grabbed McKenzie by the arms.  She tensed in my grasp, squirming in an attempt to get away from me.  “No.  Not Olivia’s baby.  I’ve done nothing to harm Olivia or the baby.”

McKenzie relaxed slightly, and quit fighting against me.  “This makes no sense then.  What are you talking about?”  Her confusion was evident through both her tone and expression.

I sighed, freeing her from my grasp.  “Can we go inside?  This is a long story.  One I’d like to tell you in private.”

She looked around us, seeing a crowd of kids coming out of the TGI Friday’s that was connected to the hotel.  My pained eyes were met with her analyzing gaze.  A million things probably passed through her mind all at once.  I figured she even considered if she wanted to hear what I had to say.  I had confessed to murdering my child after all. 

Sometime during our fight, t
he rain had finally stopped.  Now, only cool drops trickled from the trees and bushes.  We stood silent in the cool of the night, waiting for her to decide if she wanted to give me a chance.  It didn’t take long.  She gently pressed her thumbs to the corners of my eyes, looking deep into them.  What she wanted to find, I was unsure, but she must have found it.  She released my face and said, “Okay.  Let’s go inside.”

Inside my hotel room, I pulled my sunglasses off the collar of my shirt, tossing them onto the dresser.  I rushed to the bathroom, grabbing us both towels.  When I returned, she still stood in front of the closed door, dripping wet and shivering.  She leaned forward, glancing around the room, holding her arms tight to her chest as she bounced in place.

“You can come in,” I invited, holding the towel out to her.

“Oh, thanks.”  She took the towel from my hand and started patting it over her face, down her neck and along her wet chest.  Even from where I stood, I could see the goose bumps formed over her flesh.  My eyes followed the towel as she rubbed it over her pebbled breasts.  Realizing I was staring, I quickly diverted my gaze and began drying off.  “We need to get you out of those clothes,” I observed.

Her steady, blue eyes weighed me carefully.  “I beg your pardon?”

Rubbing the towel over my head, I stopped, rolling my eyes as my head flopped forward.  “Not like that, Mickie.  I meant you’re soaked and you should change before you catch pneumonia.  Geez.  What do you take me for?  A Neanderthal?”

Her mouth twitched in a snarky, little grin.  “Yes.”

“Oh, hush,” I groaned, motioning her to the bathroom.  “On the counter, you’ll find a t-shirt and those flannel night pants you used to love.  Put them on and hang your wet things on the curtain rod.”

“No peeking,” she teased, as she walked passed me.

My body straightened, and I threw three fingers in the air. “Scout’s Honor.”

“I never took you for a Scout,” she humphed with a shrug.  “I’ll be right back.”

The bathroom door closed, leaving me alone in my room.  “Take your time,” I muttered to the empty room.

While McKenzie changed, I stripped out of my wet clothes.  Before I tossed them in the corner, I emptied the pockets.  Thankfully my new cell phone wasn’t ruined.  Gavin would’ve killed me if I had to replace another company phone in less than forty-eight hours.  However, the
Tiffany’s & Co.
box was soaked.  With a deep sigh, I deposited it on top of the dresser and threw my clothes aside.  I quickly toweled off and pulled on a t-shirt and night pants.

In the quiet of my hotel room, I could hear McKenzie washing up in the bathroom.  I sat down on the bed, crossing my legs at my ankles and leaned back against the headboard, closing my eyes.  What I was about to do was not only the hardest thing I could imagine doing, but it would infuriate my father when he discovered I had exposed many guarded family secrets. 

Lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t noticed when the water stopped and the bathroom door opened. 

“Andy?”

I opened my eyes and swung my legs over the side of the bed.  Mickie stood at the foot, wearing the clothes I’d left on the counter from the night before. They hung loose over her slender figure, but to see her in my clothes again caused the memories of us to rise to the surface.  We’d been so happy.  I was still baffled by how we’d gone so wrong so fast.  We were a dream, and then we were a nightmare.  A nightmare that I couldn’t seem to wake from.  One that built on top of other nightmares from my past, growing and growing until I was drowning in a sea of tragedy and horror.

“How long have you been standing there?” I asked, patting the empty space beside me on the bed.

McKenzie hesitated.  She appeared uneasy, keeping her arms wrapped over her chest.  Her eyes darted to the door, then back to me, as if struggling with her decision to stay.  I half expected her to run.  “Not long at all,” she answered.  She dropped down on the bed, keeping a considerable amount of distance between the two of us.  I didn’t blame her for being apprehensive.  I’d probably be ready to bolt out the door at any moment if I was in her position. 

“Good, good,” I muttered.

She placed her hand in the gap between us, inching it closer to me.  I reached across the divide and took her hand in mine.  It was so warm and inviting.  I entwined our fingers, holding tight to her.  A piece of me hoped that this would keep her from running, because it was likely that in a few moments I would lose her forever.  I’d hidden the truth from her.  A truth that I’d fought to keep hidden even from myself.  That’s what the bottle was for.  It kept me from remembering the monster I was.

I turned my head, catching her expression.  She showed no malice.  Only confusion, concern, and a little fear. 

“It’s time, I guess,” I ventured to end the silence.

She gave my hand a gentle squeeze, then released it.  “Talk to me, Andy.  Tell me what you meant out there.”

I sucked down air, forcing back the tears brimming at the corners of my eyes.  McKenzie leaned forward and moved one hand to cradle the side of my face.  I rested my cheek against her palm, closing my eyes; letting the memories wash over me.  My chest heaved with the ache of my past.  All of the emotions I’d pushed away over the past seven years resurfaced the moment I let my guard down.  “I don’t even know where to start.”

McKenzie dropped her hand and scooted in a little closer to me.  “The best place to start is usually at the beginning,” she instructed with a chuckle.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”  I inhaled, searching for the courage to tell McKenzie everything.  “Well, it started about ten years ago.  I was in my final year at Harvard Law.  My roommate and best friend, Aiden Wright and I were doing everything possible to avoid all of the stuffy Christmas parties that our parents inundated us with every year.  They hoped that by subjecting us to
their
crowd, they’d find us what they deemed as suitable girlfriends.”

“Anyway,” I chuckled and continued, “Aiden and I were hanging out at our apartment with his current flavor of the month.  All was great until those two decided to make like rabbits.  I needed to get away.  Since I had season tickets, I went to see a Patriots game.”

“Football,” McKenzie snarled.

“How is it that you’re a Texan and don’t like football?”

“Because football is boring with all the stopping they do before a play is even complete.  I want a real sport like hockey, where you see blood splatter on a wall or a guy beaten up with a hockey stick.”

“Football isn’t boring, sweetheart.”

She patted my cheek and scooted up to the middle of the bed, pulling her knees to her chest.  I leaned back against the headboard.  One leg dangled over the side of the bed, while the other rested comfortably outstretched on the mattress.

“Yeah, yeah.  As you were saying?”  She rested her chin on top of her knees.

I tapped my lips, pretending to think.  “Oh, yeah,” I said with a snap of my fingers.  “Patriots game.  So, anyway, I’ll never forget the stadium that day.  It was alive with Christmas spirit.  There was fresh powder on the ground and Christmas trees located at every entrance.  It was so cold and by halftime I was nearly freezing.  I went to the concession stand to get some coffee, and was just about to place my order, when I heard a woman crying and calling out someone’s name.  She was beautiful and distraught.  It broke my heart to see her so upset.”

“Always the hero,” McKenzie murmured.

“Not always,” I confessed, then added before she could dispute, “I asked her if there was something wrong.  She told me that she lost her little nephew, Jack.  He was four years old and had wandered off when she stopped to get them some cocoa.  I reassured her that we’d find him and quickly alerted a security officer to the situation.  She showed us a picture of the little boy, then we went into a mad search to find him.  After about ten minutes of looking, I found him standing in front a vendor’s booth staring at a jersey.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet,” McKenzie cooed.

“I’ll never forget the relief in her eyes when I brought him back to her.  She thanked me for my help and introduced herself.  Rebecca Sloan was her name.  I was smitten.”

The thought of Rebecca and that day sickened me.  Such a sweet memory would soon be tainted by other more painful ones.  Just thinking about it made me want to drink, but McKenzie’s bright smile encouraged me on.  “The crowd started to disperse.  Halftime was over. I don’t know what possessed me, but I asked if I could call her sometime.  You’d have thought I’d won the lottery when she said yes and asked for a pen.  I searched my coat like a mad man to find one.  I was a law student; it was imperative that I had something to write with on me at all times.  When I finally located a pen, she pulled my glove off, turned it over in her palm, and wrote her number down.”

I touched my left hand where Rebecca had scribbled her name and number all those years ago.  “After she and Jack returned to their seat, I went back to the stand where I found him and bought the jersey he’d been admiring.  I couldn’t resist.  He was a cute kid
and
a Pats fan.  Win-win for the kid.  Plus he had a hot aunt.  Brownie points for me.”

McKenzie leaned back, her feet dangling in the air, and laughed.  “Smooth move, Wise.”

I grabbed her foot, preventing her from toppling backward.  She stretched out her legs over mine and smiled.  “What can I say?  I enjoy spoiling pretty ladies.”  My eyes cut to the dresser where the jewelry box sat.  In the mirror I caught McKenzie looking in the same direction. 

A sad smile appeared on her face, as she nudged me with her fingertips.  “So, I take it that you called her?”

“Better,” I chuckled.  “I found where she was sitting.”

McKenzie covered her mouth and gasped in a girlish giggle.  “No way.”

I raised my brows up and down, giving her a mischievous grin.  “Yes way.  That wasn’t easy either, but I was a man on a mission.  I figured she had to be close to where I was sitting.  So, I walked up and down the aisles of the stadium looking for her, and eventually found her and Jack huddled under a blanket about three sections away from where I sat.  When I called him by name, he looked up with the biggest brown eyes and the goofiest grin.  He threw off the blanket, sprang from Rebecca’s lap and latched on to me.  I managed to wiggle free from his grasp and slipped the jersey over his little head.  It was far too big for him, but he loved it all the same.”  I paused, hating how retelling this story made me feel.  No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t erase my past.  Rebecca and I started out so innocent, only to fall apart in complete devastation. 

“Then what happened?” McKenzie probed.  She leaned back, supporting her weight with her hands. 

I picked at the threads from the comforter, pulling the strings until the material buckled.  “Rebecca approached me and thanked me again for helping her.  She told me how she and Jack were hiding from their family for a little while, which struck up a conversation seeing I was doing something similar.  It wasn’t until much later that I discovered Jack’s parents were going through a divorce and it was practically a war zone in the Sloan house at that time.”  

McKenzie’s brow furrowed and her lips flattened.  She crossed her ankles over my thighs.  “That’s terrible.”

“Yeah it was.  But that night, I took her and Jack to dinner.  We didn’t even finish the game.  It was too cold and I found something far more interesting to hold my attention.”

The bile in my stomach started to rise.  I swallowed down the metallic tasting liquid in my mouth.  What was coming next scared me.  We were so relaxed together.  McKenzie wasn’t trying to run away from me.  I didn’t want to lose her again.  But the certainty of deception is that the truth will always reveal itself. 

I willed myself to continue.  “I fell for her pretty hard.  Never in my life had I felt that way about a person.  Before long we were living together, which infuriated my father, but not as much as when we announced we were engaged.”

“Whoa!  Wait!”  McKenzie flailed her hands.  “You were married?”

I linked my fingers together, looking down at my hands.  “We married right after I graduated from HLS.    Father was furious.  He even threatened to deny my employment at Wise and Associates for defying him.  Of course, we both knew that wouldn’t happen.  That firm and our legacy is his life.  He’d never do anything to tarnish it.”

McKenzie shook her head in consternation.  “I can’t believe you were married and never told me.”  She sat back up, pulling her legs back to her chest.  Her brow furrowed as she mulled over what I told her.  “So,” she started with a hint of vacillation.  “I’m confused.”  She scratched her head.  “It’s a sweet story, but how does all of this have anything to do with why you left me, or what you said outside?”