The Catastrophic History of You And Me (8 page)

CHAPTER 13

r-e-s-p-e-c-t, find out what it means to me

“W
hat is that—punch?” Patrick pointed to a glass full of what looked to be Sprite dyed bloodred with food coloring. He looked around at the Fischers’ packed living room. “Your friends have really . . .
outdone
themselves.”

“You are such a snob,” I said. “Sorry if this doesn’t live up to the standards of your beloved pizza parlor.” I circled the room, happily dizzy. I don’t mean because I was drunk. I mean because for the first time ever, I didn’t have to worry about making awkward conversation with people I didn’t really know. I didn’t have to stress about not being the most popular girl there, or if I looked cool enough to have been invited in the first place. That was the beauty of it. Nobody could see me. Nobody could hear me. As far as they were all concerned, I was long gone.

The funny thing about high school parties is that nobody’s ever having as much fun as they want you to think
they are. Except this party. At this party, I was having way more fun than everyone.

I looked around to see if Emma, Tess, and Sadie had shown up, but I didn’t see them.

Probably still in mourning. Unlike SOME people.

A good number of Jacob’s friends were there, plus a bunch of people I didn’t know, who must’ve been invited by Maya. I saw his two best friends, Will and Milo, who Sadie always called Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumber. They were dressed as matching zombies—which seemed fitting, given their personalities. Jacob’s whole house was covered from top to bottom in Halloween decorations. The front hallway was lined with cobwebs and the living room had been transformed into a really hilarious version of the
Texas Chainsaw Massacre,
with hamburger meat and ketchup everywhere. The backyard was totally dark except for the dimly lit swimming pool, which had been decorated with floating, glowing eyeballs.

I can’t lie, there were definitely a few moments where the emotion of it all would creep up on me; where I’d suddenly get sad thinking about all the times I’d snuggled with him on his couch, or gone swimming with his family in the backyard, or snuck up to his bedroom while his parents thought we were “doing our homework.” But I did my best not to dwell on the sad stuff. That wasn’t the point. Tonight was all about
fun
. It was about seeing Jacob and giving him a taste of his own medicine.

I pointed to a pile of plastic vampire fangs that had been put out as party favors. “Fun!” I tried picking them up, but my hand passed right through the table. I cast a teasing glance at Patrick. “You’d better be glad I can’t put those in.”

“Why?”

“Because I’d
bite
you, that’s why.”

“Angel, please.” He tilted his head back so his neck was exposed. “Don’t let me stop you.”

I came closer. “I’ll do it.”

“You should.”

Our eyes met, and for a split second neither of us looked away. I reached for his neck, but stopped myself.

What am I doing?

He noticed my hesitation. “Not thirsty after all? Guess I’ll just have to find some other vampiress to offer myself up to.” He did a quick scan of the room. “Ooh. Like maybe her, for example.”

I turned and couldn’t believe the girl he’d pointed out. “Anna Clayton? What is it with every guy on the planet liking her? She’s not even that cute!”

“Whoa there.” Patrick held up his hands. “Calm down, Cheez Whiz. It was just an observation. Don’t go all psycho on me or anything.”

“Don’t let your
mom
go all psych—”

Right then, I heard a crashing sound from another room.

“Yikes. That can’t be good.”

“Thank god,” he said. “Maybe this party is finally about to get interesting after all.”

We followed the commotion through the hallway into the kitchen, where a few kids were trying to break open a Frankenstein piñata. I saw Maya rush over with a pissed-off expression on her face, but oddly, her brother was still nowhere to be found. For a split second, I considered running upstairs to check his bedroom, but then I realized it’d be way better to catch him in a group. Where I could embarrass him publicly.

Much, MUCH better.

“So, do we need to go over the rules one more time?” asked Patrick. “You remember what I taught you? It’s all about intention. It won’t work unless you’re completely focused.”

“Can we go over the focus part again?” I said sarcastically.

He crossed his arms. “Clearly, my help is no longer appreciated.” He turned to leave the kitchen.

“No, stop, don’t go!” I called to him. “You’re so sensitive. I was just kidding.”

Patrick turned back to face me, smiling. The sight of him caught me a little off guard. The way his shirt clung to him. The way his dark hair complemented his deep-set eyes. The way his jeans fit just right . . .

He looked kind of, um, hot. You know, for a dead kid.

Why, thank you,
his voice echoed through my mind.
Not so bad yourself
.

I froze, completely mortified he’d heard that. I still wasn’t used to sharing my head with somebody else. Especially when that somebody else happened to be a kinda attractive guy—

“Kinda”
?

“Hey!” I snapped. “Seriously, get out of there!”

Patrick just laughed
.

But suddenly, I noticed the front door open behind him. Saw a familiar body step into the room. A face I knew so, so well. I felt myself tense up. It took everything I had to stay strong. It took more than everything not to run straight into his arms.

There he was. The actual,
literal
boy of my dreams.

That is, until the dream became a nightmare. Right now, I needed to focus on the nightmare.

So this is the guy, huh?
Patrick gazed toward the front door.

I was frozen in place.
This is him
.

I mean seriously, what’s the big deal? What’s with all the girls on the planet liking him? He’s not even that cute.

I hate you
.

You love me
.

YOU love you
.

Fair enough. So what are you waiting for?

I took a few steps forward. Stopped. There were people swarming all around him.
Don’t lose focus
.

I pushed through the crowd, unseen, unheard. Jacob. My Jacob. His eyes were tired. Sad. And even though he was surrounded on all sides by people who knew him—by people who cared and who understood bits and pieces about what had happened to him recently—he looked lonely.
Lost
.

I felt my anger beginning to slip away.

He misses me.

Brie, don’t do that.

But what if he does?

What would it change?

Maybe he’s sorry.

He SHOULD be sorry.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I could smell his cologne. Just the slightest hint.

God that smells good.

I wanted him to hold me. To tell me everything would be okay. That this was all a bad dream and we could be together again. Maybe even forever.

You’re not focusing.

I can’t do this.

He doesn’t love you.

Shut up, Patrick.

I reached out, the tips of my fingers just inches from Jacob’s jacket, baby bolts of lightning running across them. The hair on my arms and on the back of my neck stood up, charged with electricity.

Milo and Will reached him before I could.

“Hey man,” said Milo. “What’s up? We’ve been waiting for over an hour.”

“I texted you a bunch,” said Will. “You okay? You don’t look so good.”

Jacob shook his head. “I—I needed space. Wasn’t in the mood for a party. I didn’t want Maya to have this thing. I told her to cancel it.”

Will and Milo exchanged concerned glances. “It’s cool, it’s cool,” said Will. “Everyone’s having a good time.”

Jacob nodded, his eyes still locked on the floor.

Poor Jacob. He’s all alone. Nobody understands what he’s going through. Nobody but me.

“You were with her tonight, huh?” said Milo.

I froze at the word.

Her?

I spun to face Patrick, in case I hadn’t actually heard Milo right. “What’s he talking about?”

Patrick just shook his head and backed away. “Don’t ask me.”

I turned back to the three boys.

“She still pretty upset?” Will said, his voice low.

“Yeah.” Jacob nodded. “She won’t stop crying.”

I felt as if a lethal dose of poison had been injected into my bloodstream and was slowly starting to work its way into my chest cavity.

“She? Who is
she
?” I glared at Jacob. “Who the hell are you talking about?” If my eyes could have vaporized someone where they stood, he would’ve been a pile of ashes on the floor. I still didn’t understand why he’d broken up with me out of nowhere. Could there have been someone else all along? Another girl? A girl he’d chosen over me?

Suddenly, a blinding wall of flame and smoke and molten hot lava shot up from the living room floor, forcing me backward.

Brie! Be careful!

I have to know. I have to know who she is.

You need to focus.

No. Do NOT even speak to me. I need to hear him. I need to hear him say it.

“Really sucks, man,” said Milo, shaking his head. “But I guess it’s good you guys can, you know, be there for each other.”

Each other?!

Here I’d been practically ready to forgive him. Ready to do whatever it took to come crawling back through time and space and a whole other realm of existence so we could be together again. But this? This was too much. A scorching ache began to bubble back up inside of me, pain searing through my chest.

Patrick was in my head:
Focus it. Use it.

Screw you.

Good. Yes. Channel!

“Yeah,” said Jacob, running his hands through his hair. “She’s okay. This whole thing’s been pretty hard for her.”

How DARE you. Hard for HER? Aren’t you forgetting someone?

My fists were clenched. Smoke was radiating off my skin. I was on fire.

Do it. Do it right now
.

I pushed through Will and Milo.

“Whoa,” said Will, stumbling back. “Dude, did you feel that?”

“Shit, that was weird,” said Milo. His face went pale.

I was three inches from Jacob’s face. His eyes were confused. He was looking right through me, but there was something there. Some hint, no matter how small, of recognition. That was all I needed.

You’ve got him
.

“Brie?” whispered Jacob, just loud enough for me to hear him. I could feel the uneasy rhythm of his heartbeat. Panicked. Pulsing. Alive.

Must be nice
.

I leaned even closer, closing the gap between us. Orange and blue flames flickered across my skin. His eyes widened. Then, as light as a feather, I brushed my lips against his cheek. Just barely.

“Yes, it’s
me,
” I whispered.

Focus
. Patrick was still with me. I could feel his eyes burning into me.

“Jacob, dude, seriously—are you okay?” Milo was shaken. The rest of the party had caught on that some weird stuff was going down. Someone turned the music off.

Jacob was standing in the middle of the room like he’d seen a ghost. I don’t know about seen one, but he’d definitely heard one.

I watched his eyes dart back and forth across the room. His palms were sweating and I could tell he was spooked.

Big-time
.

But I wasn’t done with him yet. I still had something I needed to get off my chest.

“It’s your fault,” I whispered into his ear, a touch louder this time.

In an instant, all the blood drained from his face. “Whoever’s doing this, it’s not funny!” he cried. The entire room went still. All eyes were on him.

“Chill, man, it’s cool,” said Milo, trying to settle him down. He grabbed Jacob by the arm. “Come on, let’s get you some air.”

Do it. You’ve got him. Do it now
.

I held my ground and leaned in even closer. Slowly, I wrapped my arms around his waist. Felt his entire body tense at my touch.

Then I whispered three perfect words right into his ear. Three words I’d locked away ever since that night.

“You
killed
me.”

He started screaming.

And he didn’t stop until the entire party had cleared out.

CHAPTER 14

nothing compares 2 u

P
atrick and I walked slowly down the road, side by side in the moonlight, the air a mix of chilly ocean and eucalyptus forest. We didn’t have a destination in mind. All I knew was we were heading north, away from Jacob’s house, toward the city. We walked for a long while without speaking.

“That was impressive,” he said after a while, finally break-ing the silence. “I wasn’t sure you had it in you, Cheese Puff.”

I forced a smile. “I was pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.”

Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that things hadn’t turned out like they were supposed to. On one hand, I knew I should’ve felt really good about scaring the hell out of Jacob. And I knew I should’ve felt some sense of relief, or finality. After all, I’d just made him look like a total freak in front of most of our junior class and a bunch of his sister’s friends from Stanford.

None of it had made a difference. I was still stuck in this stupid place, and I still wasn’t any closer to getting home. I guess part of me had been hoping Jacob might have had a change of heart. Hoping that maybe he’d realized just how badly he’d messed up. How completely idiotic he had been to throw away someone as good as me.

But he hadn’t.

Instead, all he had been thinking about was
her
. Another girl. Someone prettier, funnier, sillier, and who was I kidding, probably more boob-tastic than I’d ever be. Someone who “got him” in a way I never would. Someone who, I couldn’t help wishing, would break his heart just as much as he had broken mine.

“Love sucks, huh?” said Patrick.

I nodded. “Yeah. It does.”

He put his arm around my shoulder. “It’ll go away. This feeling, I mean. You’ll forget all about him before you know it.”

I stopped walking. “What if I don’t want to forget?”

I sank down to my knees. I’d been so stupid to believe that he had loved me. I’d been so wrong to think that showing up at his sister’s Halloween party would change what had happened between us. That it would prove anything. There was nothing I could have done differently. Nothing I could change. The letters in my headstone were not temporary. They had been carved to last a lifetime. They had been carved to last forever.

AUBRIE ELIZABETH EAGAN

F
RIEND
. D
AUGHTER
. A
NGEL
.

F
OREVER IN OUR HEARTS
.

N
OVEMBER
1, 1994—O
CTOBER
4, 2010

I felt it then. I knew it for real. I wasn’t coming back. I’d been living in a fantasy world full of promises that someday, somehow, I’d return to my old life. A life that would be waiting for me with open arms. Full of hope and laughter and love and second chances. But the truth had finally caught up with me, just like Patrick said it would. And it wasn’t fair.

Patrick sat down next to me. I watched him reach into his faded jeans pocket and pull out the crumpled-up napkin—the one from Slice—where he’d written down a list of words. He bit the cap off his pen and unfolded the napkin. Then, without meeting my eyes, he carefully crossed the first word off the list.

Denial

I tried so hard to fight the tears, but they came anyway. “Why me?” I screamed up to the sky. “
WHY?
What the hell did I do to deserve this? To deserve any of this?!” I collapsed against him, sobbing. Hot, angry tears pouring out of me and into the sandy, soggy ground.

“It’s okay,” said Patrick, his voice soft and serious. For once. “I’m right here.”

He let me cry into his lap for I don’t know how long, right below a giant redwood tree on the edge of Highway 1. He stroked my hair. Told me everything would be okay. The stars were all out, twinkling and shining, and the ground had grown damp beneath us. I felt him lean back and slowly unzip his jacket. He placed it over me, and I snuggled in even closer. I was so angry and upset I could hardly keep my eyes open, like a little kid after a temper tantrum.

“I bet,” I whispered, “once upon a time, you made someone really, really happy.”

If Patrick answered me, I didn’t hear him.

I had already fallen into a dark, distant, stormy sleep.