The Casual Rule (38 page)

Our walk is silent. I cross my arms, pouting like a spoiled brat as I steal secret glimpses of his perfect profile. I have no idea what the hell he has to say. The casual fool probably needs to ease his guilty conscience for breaking poor little Julia’s heart. I don’t want his pity. I have to hold on to my anger. Anger is good. It’s better than crying.

~o0o~

We enter the lobby of his building and walk into the waiting elevator. Once the doors close, I feel the magnetic pull; my body instinctively leans toward him. I hate that even in my hurt and anger; I’m so damn attracted to him. The tension between us is palpable. I cast my eyes down toward the floor; if we make eye contact I’m going to fall into his arms. I know he’s watching me, I feel it. Why, oh fucking why, did I agree to this?

Ben clears his throat. “You look well.”

I nod politely. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.

Finally, the elevator stops and the doors slide open. “After you.” He holds his arm out. I walk past him without waiting, marching at a brisk pace toward his apartment. He catches up to me at his door. Reaching into his pocket, he digs out his key ring, fumbles with it and drops it. He actually looks nervous.

He picks up the keys and puts it in the lock. He turns the key and slowly opens the door. Warily, I enter. I never thought I’d walk through this door again.
It feels strange being here. There are so many happy memories in this apartment, except for the last one when I left him. I briefly look into the kitchen and see a messy pile of mail sitting on the counter and a few dirty dishes near the sink. I guess the anal retentive fairy took the week off.

“Can I take your coat?”

I unbutton my coat and hand it to him along with my scarf and hat. I don’t know why I even bothered. I don’t plan on staying.

“Would you like a drink?” he asks with a tight smile.

“No. I won’t be here long,” I snap, holding on to my anger.

He nods as his smile fades. “Let’s have a seat, shall we?”

We walk to the couch and sit on either end. I place my hand on my knee to stop it from nervously bouncing up and down. I look down at my watch. “You have five minutes.”

“Okay. How are you?” he asks.

“I’m fine,” I answer curtly. “Is that why you brought me here? To ask me how I’m doing?”

“No,” he answers, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. “First, I’d like to apologize for showing up at your apartment the way I did.”

“You mean shit-faced?” I huff.

“Yes. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
At least he looks embarrassed.
“After I left, I walked back to my apartment.”

“You walked to your apartment from the Village? That had to be one hell of a walk.”

He clears his throat. “I had a lot to think about, my behavior was inexcusable.”

“Fine. Apology accepted. Care to explain how you knew I was at Emilio’s?”

“I had no idea you were there.”

“You said you were there to see me.”

“I was,” he says cautiously.

“You’re not making any sense.”

“You once mentioned that you pass Emilio’s on your way to the subway station to and from work. Since you left me… As often as I could, I’d sit at the bar at Emilio’s and wait for you to walk by, just to get a quick glimpse of you. I told you… You are the
her
the bartender was referring to.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I had to see you. You were so upset when you left me. I was worried about you. I needed to know you were okay.”

He’s been stalking me?

“That was weeks ago. Why are you still watching me?”

“At first, I tried to convince myself it was to make sure you were all right. But as time went on, I realized that I was fooling myself. I tried to stop thinking about you, wondering about you. Move on, like I always had. It’s all I knew.” He hesitates then shrugs contritely. “I couldn’t get you out of my head. You owned my thoughts; you belong there. I missed you so fucking much but I didn’t want to hurt you anymore than I already had. I had this overwhelming need to see you. I couldn’t stop myself. I tried. I just couldn’t stay away. So I continued going to Emilio’s to catch a quick glimpse of you. It became difficult when you started crossing the street. Why did you do that?”

His admission confuses me. “I saw you there with Camille. I didn’t want to see the two of you together ever again.”

“She found me there one day. She was worried about me. I was pretty messed up after you left.”

“You and her aren’t?”

“No.” He shakes his head. “Julia, there’s been no one else. No one. You’re the only one I wanted. You’re the only one I want.”

“Ben, we’ve been through this. We both want different things.” I stand up from the couch. “I’m not interested in being just a sex partner. This is a waste of time. I’m leav-.”

He cuts me off. “My five minutes aren’t up. Sit back down and hear me out.”

I roll my eyes and sit. “Fine.”

“I thought we wanted different things too. Then one day, I went to check up on my grandmother. She asked about you. I think she likes you for sticking up for me at Christmas.”

I knew I liked that woman.

“I told her about the bank you gave me. It got us talking about my grandfather’s coin collection. She told me how happy she was that I continued the tradition and you’ve seen it. She said its worth isn’t in the gold or rare finds. What made the coins truly valuable was having someone to share them with. Reluctantly, I told her that you and I weren’t seeing each other anymore.”

“You did?”

“Yes, I did. She was disappointed. She told me a story about her and my grandfather before they married. They were in Central Park, right in front of Bethesda Fountain, when they got into a fight over something trivial. She threatened to call off their engagement. To prove his love to her, he pulled a coin out from his pocket. It was one he’d been looking for years to locate. He finally found it and purchased it that day from some collector. He took it, closed his eyes and threw it in the fountain. She thought he lost his mind. She asked him why he threw it in the water. He said he made a wish… that they would never be apart. That’s when she realized she was the most valuable thing in his life. And that’s how she knew he would always be the one.  Then she asked me… if I had a coin to throw, what would my wish be?” He tilts his head and smiles. “I knew my answer immediately. I told her I’d throw every coin in that collection in the fountain and wish you and I were never apart.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I blink a few times and secretly pinch the top of my hand to make sure I’m not dreaming.

Ben continues. “She smiled and told me she already knew my answer. She said I needed to get off my ass and make things right with you.”

“What are you saying, Ben?”

He slides across the couch, close to me, takes my hands in his and gazes into my eyes. “The day after Christmas…when you asked me if I felt something the night before… I did. I felt it too.” He swallows hard, his expression uneasy. “I know we made love that night.”

“I don’t understand. You just sat there and said nothing while my heart was shattering right in front of you,” I whisper, the pain from that morning returning and searing right through me.

 “I know. I’m sorry. I panicked. I was afraid of what I was feeling.” He gazes down at our hands, his thumb lightly skimming over my knuckles. He looks up at me; his eyes search mine, looking for a clue to what I’m thinking.

Angrily, I pull my hands away. “You hurt me. You gutted me. You let me leave thinking I was nothing more to you than a good time,” I hiss.

He pales as his chin slumps into his chest. “I’m sorry. You were always more to me. I didn’t think I was capable of giving you what you wanted. I thought letting you go was the right thing to do.” He looks back up at me. “I’ve started seeing a therapist.”

This captures my attention. “You have?”

“I had to figure out some things. Apparently, I have commitment issues.”

“No shit,” I scoff, rolling my eyes.

A wary smile surfaces on his lips and he lets out a nervous laugh. “I had been seeing the therapist for about two weeks, trying to get my shit together. Camille complained I was becoming a hermit and dragged me out to Sinful to get me out of my apartment. And I saw you there… with that guy. God, you looked so beautiful.” His eyes narrow. “When I saw you sitting there, laughing with him, it killed me.” He casts his eyes down then looks back at me, his eyes brimming. “That used to be me. I was the one who made you laugh. When I saw his hands on you on the dance floor, I wanted to fucking kill him. I was the one who should be touching you, holding you. I was trapped in a hell I let happen, watching some other guy do the things that I used to do. I tried to find you, to talk to you, but you left.”

“So you showed up at my apartment, completely wasted?”

“After I figured out you left with that guy, I went to the bar and drank. A lot. The thought of the two of you together was driving me crazy. Camille tried to convince me to go home, but I was way too twisted at that point and just started walking. The next thing I remember it was morning and I woke up on your couch. I had so much to say to you. I took the coward’s way out and left. I’m a fucking asshole.”

“You won’t get an argument from me,” I say flatly.

“My head was pounding, but I needed to think things through. So I walked from your place to my apartment to do some soul searching. I had to stop dragging you down into my misery.” He lets go of my hand, running his fingers through his hair.

I sit motionless, glued in my spot on the couch. He’s miserable too?

He continues. “During my walk, I was thinking about what you said about Christmas Eve. Your face lit up at the mention of the day, like your heart was about to burst with pure joy over the thought of it. You told me that it’s your favorite day of the year and nothing in the world could replace it. You called it
magical
. It was exciting just to be a small part of it.” He tilts his head and smiles. “When I think of you…when I look into your eyes, see your smile, hear your laughter, inhale the scent of your perfume lingering on my pillows, feel you wrapped in my arms. All of it… It all became so clear to me.”

He briefly looks down to the floor shaking his head then back up at me. His eyes are glassy, his expression serious. He takes my hands in his and gazes longingly into my eyes. “Julia, you are my Christmas Eve.”

He takes in a deep breath, shifting in his seat. “I’m twenty eight years old and on a warm day in October, I met the love of my life. I didn’t know it. I just didn’t know.” His voice cracks, raw with emotion. This is his confession. He looks vulnerable… maybe even a little fearful.

My mouth falls open, completely astounded. I think back to the night Ben showed up at my apartment, his drunken mumblings of “I didn’t know” on my couch, that’s what he was talking about. I place my hand over my mouth. I’m stunned speechless. Did he just say he loves me? He loves me? Tears well in my eyes as this man bares his soul to me.

“I realized this was my fork in the road. I had to either love you or step away and watch someone else love you. I don’t know if you’re still seeing that guy. I hope I haven’t missed my chance,” he asks apprehensively.

“He’s not my boyfriend. He never was.”

“He’s not? I thought you and him were…” He sighs. I look into his eyes and see his pain.

I shake my head. “No,” I say as I try my best to hold myself together.

He exhales a huge breath as his entire body noticeably relaxes.

My mind is blank. Completely blank, like it shut itself off. I look out the window to find my thoughts and see a small folding table set up in front of one of the windows. On it are two daisies in two separate terracotta pots, their long stems twisted together. I frown and look back at Ben.

He notices my confusion. “I bought those after you left me. You said I treated our relationship like a flower that I waited to wilt, die and then replace. I needed to prove to myself that I could nurture them and watch them grow,” he explains.

“Why?”

He shrugs apologetically. “So I could give you the garden. At first I had them on my coffee table. After about three weeks, they got long and lanky. They turned toward the windows, straining for the sunshine. I got this folding table and set it up in front of the window and placed them on it. I thought they were going to die. When I came back from your apartment the day after Sinful, I found them like this, wrapped around each other, entwined. I didn’t think daisies did that. But these did. They were holding each other up like they belonged together… Like us.”

“Ben, what are you telling me?”

“Since you left, I’ve just been going through the motions. But it feels so empty. I was always afraid that a relationship would complicate things, but I met you and… the truth is... falling for you was simple. Look at you… you’re smart, funny, loving, and the most beautiful woman I have ever met. The truth is I didn’t stand a chance. Deep down, I knew it.

I want to be a part of your life. Everyday. I want to call you because I miss hearing your voice. I want to hold your hand and take long strolls through Central Park in the spring. I want to make out with you under the boardwalk at Seaside Heights and win you ugly crane game prizes. I want to laugh with you, cry with you… love you.

I want to be your boyfriend.”

He pulls me close, grabbing my face in his hands. “I love you Julia. I’m empty without you. I’m nothing. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry I hurt you. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I don’t know if it’s too late. If you don’t want me anymore or you can’t forgive me for hurting you. But if there’s even a slight chance that I’m still somewhere in your heart… that you still love me, even a little. I hope you’ll consider it. My heart is yours.” He softly caresses my cheek, looking lovingly into my eyes. “It’s always been you, Julia. It will only be you. I don’t know how to feel any other way.”

 I can no longer hold back my tears. His eyes are glassy, our connection stronger than ever.

He loves me.

“Can I hold you? Please?” His voice cracks. I feel his pain, his longing, his fear.