The Candy Man Cometh (3 page)
“Oh, sure, sure!” Pete replied, and put an arm around Exact Change Kid. “But I’m sure you also remember Rule #2?”
“ ‘Always do what a superhero asks you to do’!” Boom Boy jumped in and gave a knowing wink to Exact Change Kid.
“And right now, a superhero is
asking
you your real name,” Pete said. “Unless you’re saying that
I’m
not a superhero... that I
don’t
have all the powers of a pumpkin!”
Small beads of sweat ran down Exact Change Kid’s temple. He looked at his notebook where he had written Rule #1 and #2 and underlined them several times.
After an uncomfortable pause he began, “My name’s Myron Stra —”
Pete interrupted Exact Change Kid and slapped him on the back. “You just broke Rule #1! You’re outta the Sidekicks!”
“But...but...,” Exact Change Kid stammered.
“Hey, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.” Pete pointed Exact Change Kid toward the street in front of the League of Big Justice and shooed him along with his hands. Exact Change Kid slumped slightly as he shuffled away.
“That’s not fair, Pete!” I protested. “You can’t kick him out for breaking Rule #1 when he had to break Rule #1 to follow Rule #2!”
“Whoa! Slow down there, egghead!” Pete chuckled. “Save the algebra for the classroom.”
“You can’t kick Exact Change Kid and Spice Girl out of the Sidekicks! They were just doing what you told them!” I was waving my arms above my head like it would somehow help convince Pete.
“Are you saying that I made a mistake?” Pete growled.
“No! I’m just saying that maybe you shouldn’t kick them out of the Sidekicks for just doing what you said.”
“You wanna know what happens when a superhero makes a mistake?” Pete snarled.
“Uh... no,” I answered.
“Well, I’ll tell you! Superheroes don’t make mistakes! That’s why we’re
super
heroes! If we made mistakes, then we’d be
not
-so-superheroes, wouldn’t we? And that’d make you
not
-sosidekicks!”
Boom Boy shrugged his shoulders. “Makes sense to me!”
“It’s good to hear you admit you can make a mistake.” Pete relaxed. “Of course, that means you can never be a superhero, because super-heroes don’t
make
mistakes!” Pumpkin Pete spun back to face the rest of us. “And that leads us to Rule #3! Even a superhero can make a mistake!”
Spelling Beatrice shook her head in silent misery. “This is giving me a headache,” she said with a sigh.
“I’m Sad Now”
Spice Girl sat on the curb that ran along the League of Big Justice Parking Lot of Big Parking. She leaned back and supported herself with her palms. She was surprisingly upbeat for having just been kicked out of the Sidekicks. She watched Exact Change Kid shuffle over from the rest of the group and sit down next to her.
“Hey,” Exact Change Kid mumbled, and plopped on the curb.
“Hey.”
“They kicked me out of the Sidekicks, too.” Exact Change Kid let out a long sigh and scratched his head. He flipped open his pocket notebook and reviewed his scribbled writings.
Rule #1: Never, never, never tell anyone your real name. Rule #2: Always do what a superhero asks you to do.
Exact Change Kid dropped his head into his hands. His notebook fell to the asphalt. “Where did I go wrong?”
“I think when you landed on Park Place,” Spice Girl suggested.
“All I’ve ever wanted was to be a sidekick... to use my uncanny powers of exact change to battle the forces of evil.” Exact Change Kid reached into his utility belt and pulled out a fistful of coins. He opened his hand and stared at the little heads. “Abe. George. Thomas. And good ol’ FDR. I’ve let you down. I’ve let all of you down.”
“Don’t worry so much,” Spice Girl assured him. “The last time Peter Pumpkin kicked me out of the Sidekicks, I just went home and watched TV. When I came back the next day, he didn’t even remember my name. He called me ‘Stinky.’ ”
“Really?” Exact Change Kid brightened. “You mean there’s still a chance I can be a sidekick?”
“No. Probably not this time. I’m just telling you what happened before.”
Exact Change Kid deflated like a balloon that was just kicked out of the balloon version of the Sidekicks.
He looked at Spice Girl. An idea drifted into his head. “But...I guess on the bright side . . . you and I can spend some time together. Maybe go watch some TV . . .” Exact Change Kid smiled and nudged himself ever so slightly nearer to Spice Girl.
“I’m sad now,” she said.
Evil Eats the Last Fig Newton
Boom Boy sat down next to Earlobe Lad. The two didn’t say anything to each other. Usually Boom Boy liked to torment Earlobe Lad. His super-sized ears and super-hearing made him the perfect target for someone as obnoxious as Boom Boy.
“Man,” Boom Boy said in a sad voice. “I don’t even feel like blowing up.”
“Maam pah ma pamm mam?” Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy asked as he slowly rolled over in his Giant Hamster Ball of Justice.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Boom Boy said. Spelling Beatrice was sitting next to Spice Girl, who was now chatting with Charisma Kid. Exact Change Kid was making page after page of notes: small scribbles, detailed descriptions, and elaborate theories.
“To follow Rule #1 breaks Rule #2, but to follow Rule #2 breaks Rule #1.. .” He took his eraser and aggressively rubbed it against the page. “What am I overlooking?
What
?”
“Please don’t erase so loud!” Earlobe Lad complained.
I walked up and saw the whole group sitting on the curb. They all looked sad, except for Spice Girl, who was taking advantage of the free time to talk with Charisma Kid.
“Did he kick you out, too?” Spelling Beatrice asked the moment I sat down next to her.
“Yeah,” I replied.
“What rule did
you
break?” Boom Boy inquired, curious to see if it was the same rule he had broken.
“Rule #8,” I answered.
“Rule #8?!” Exact Change Kid blurted. “There’s a Rule #8?!”
“Yeah,” I said, and quoted, “ ‘Rule #8: Never be the last sidekick.’ ”
The Lucky Chapter . . . Or IS It?
The next day we were all back at the Sidekick Super Clubhouse. Pumpkin Pete had told King Justice that he had kicked all of us out of the Sidekicks for breaking the rules. King Justice had then reminded Pumpkin Pete that that meant Pete would have to do his own laundry and get his own Chinese takeout and polish the rims on the Pumpkinmobile himself.
Pete reinstated all of us in less than fifteen minutes.
And in fact, to make sure that would never happen again if he ever had to kick all of us out of the Sidekicks again, Pete approved the Side-kicks to interview for a brand new member. That way, there’d be one leftover sidekick to do his chores. Pete suggested we name the new side-kick “Chore Boy” or “Task Lass.”
Exact Change Kid, Boom Boy, and Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy sat behind the Sidekick Super Fold-Out Table, or in Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy’s case, sat in his Giant Hamster Ball of Justice behind the Sidekick Super Fold-Out Table in the middle of the Sidekick Super Additional-Parking Parking Lot of Justice. The rest of us flanked them on either side, except for Charisma Kid, who had told us to “pick whatever stupid new sidekick you want” and to try not to choose “as big a loser as the rest of you.”
Several would-be sidekicks lined up on the opposite side of the table. Exact Change Kid pulled out a clipboard and read the first name.
“Super Vision Lad?”
A young boy stepped forward. He had a wild look in his eyes, and his head darted about. He had black hair and a beach towel clothespinned around his neck, like a terry cloth cape. Otherwise, he was dressed totally normal, in jeans and a T-shirt that said MOMMY’S LITTLE ANGEL. One of his shoes was untied and he had a runny nose. His mother was with him and held him firmly by the wrist.
“So... you have super eyes, I see,” Exact Change Kid said. “How far can you see?”
“He doesn’t have super eyes,” Super Vision Lad’s mother corrected.
Super Vision Lad made motorboat noises with his lips, extended his arms, and spun around like a human helicopter. “I like chocwet!” he yelled.
“Then why is he called Super Vision Lad?” Boom Boy asked.
“Because he needs constant supervision,” the kid’s mother answered.
“How does that power work?” Spice Girl asked.
“Look, I’ll pay you ten dollars an hour if he can joined your little ‘club’ from three to six every day.” His mother pulled out thirty dollars and laid it on the table. “And double on holidays. I just...I just need a little break.”
Exact Change Kid looked at the other side-kicks. “Well, we might have to fight evil during those hours . . .”
“Does it take
all
of you to fight evil?” Super Vision Lad’s mother asked.
“Usually,” Spelling Beatrice jumped in. “Don’t you think you’d be better off finding a babysitter?”
“Oh, I see how it is,” Super Vision Lad’s mother said in a huff. “You can count pennies and spell words and roll around in a plastic hamster ball and suddenly you’re too good for ten dollars an hour?”
“MAAA PA MAA PAM!” Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy yelled.
I turned and saw Super Vision Lad kicking Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy’s Giant Hamster Ball of Justice around the Sidekick Super Additional-Parking Parking Lot of Justice like he was a giant plastic soccer ball with a screaming teenager inside.
“I told you he needed constant supervision!” his mother snarled, and chased after her son.
“Next!” Boom Boy called out.
A boy with a large, brown cardboard box encasing his body stepped forward. There were holes cut out for his head and legs, and the box covered his body from his shoulders down to just below his hips.
“I’m Boy-in-the-Cardboard-Box Boy!” he said eagerly.
“And what powers do you have?” Exact Change Kid asked.
“Cardboard powers!” Boy-in-the-Cardboard-Box Boy bragged.
“Wow,” Spice Girl whispered to Spelling Beatrice. “He
is
powerful.”
“Powerful?” I quietly butted in. “What makes
him
so powerful?”
“He can stack himself,” Spice Girl explained. “And I can store my winter clothes in him.”
“That doesn’t make him powerful,” I huffed. Spice Girl turned her back to me. “Let’s see if you’re still saying that when summer comes.”
“Hey, hey!” Boom Boy said. “Here’s a little test for you: What would you do if the Veggie Tarian attacked you with his Cucumber Brigade and you were the only one who could stop him?”
Boy-in-the-Cardboard-Box Boy laughed as if the answer was obvious. “I possess all the powers of cardboard! I’d simply defeat him with that!”
Exact Change Kid and Boom Boy looked Boyin-the-Cardboard-Box Boy over. “I don’t know,” Boom Boy said, shaking his head. “I just don’t think you’ve got what it takes to be a sidekick. Unless we can store our winter clothes in you when summer comes.”
“Sorry, BITCBB,” Exact Change Kid said, and checked a box labeled LOSER on his clipboard.
“Oh, I get it now, you can have a kid in a Giant Hamster Ball, but not one in a Giant Cardboard Box?!” Boy-in-the-Cardboard-Box Boy shouted.
