The C Word (Just a Word Book 1) (13 page)

His words
flip a switch in me. My wrist closes around his and the force of my grip
loosens his. As soon as he has let go, I drop his hand. I have to fight back
the urge to tear into him. He will not be the
reason,
he will NOT be the reason. “Watch yourself Richard,” I growl. “Or you’ll be
back on Old Compton Street, cruising for someone new to call boy.”

His top lip
lifts, showing his teeth. “We shall see….” The words rumble from his chest, he
can barely contain his rage. “It will bring you too your knees again soon
enough and when it does, it will be at my feet.” With that he marches out of
the room.
 

I’m shaking
with pure rage. I need to get out of here.

Turning to
leave the room I freeze when I find T standing in the doorway. He watches me
silently. He is unreadable. I wait for him to say something, give some clue
about how much he heard, but he says nothing. So after a moment, I turn my
sunshine back on.

“Ready to go
back to London?”

“Sure,” he
replies. Curt is definitely how I would describe his response.

He heard.

11

STOP. OVER. THINKING.

Having
placated my mother with false promises to visit again, T seems in a better mood
as we drive back to London.

“So, Maxi
huh?…
” He says with glee.

I groan.

“Does
everyone call you that?’

“Only those
that love me.”

“Good to know,”
he grins. “Your parents love me by the way,” he gloats.

“My brothers
too,” I remind him, adding fuel to his flaming ego.

T nods with a
smug smile.

“And my
sister?” I question, teasing.

He grimaces. “Yeah
she might have nightmares, but I’m sure she liked me too.”

“She did, she
told me.”

T shakes his
fist in victory. “Score!”

If only
everyone had been as enamoured. I still don’t know how I’m going to handle
Richard. I am his superior in the company and my father is his alpha, he
shouldn’t’t speak to me that way. But he’s right; I’m going to need him sooner
or later, which pisses me off immensely. I need to find another way to cope. He
was never a good idea and if he figures out I fucked Rose, it’s going to get
really ugly.

“I guess not
everyone agreed with them.” He looks at me and waits. I glance away from the
road and meet his eyes, grateful that I have to turn back quickly. “Are you
going to explain what happened back there?”

“It’s
probably best that I don’t.”

He’s silent
as I drive, so I reach forward and put some music on. Miles pass in silence and
I start to regret shutting him down.

“Who is that
guy to you?” he asks suddenly, breaking the silence.

I take a deep
breath. “He’s my fathers beta.”

He reaches
forward and turns off the music. “But who is he to
you
?” he asks slowly.

“A friend.”

“A friend who
calls you boy and orders you around,” he says carefully, his tone questioning
for more.
 

“You wouldn’t
understand.”

“Is that
right?” He scoffs.

“Richard
helps me stay in control.”

“By fucking
you?”

I draw in a
deep breath and let it out slowly, not really sure how to answer.

“I see,” he
concludes correctly from my silence. “And he thinks he’s the only one who can
give that to you?”

I shrug. I
think it’s better at this point if I don’t try to defend our relationship,
since I’m beginning to question it myself.

“So, what
goes on under the garden?”

“Huh?” My
heart skips a beat. How the hell does he know about that?

“You said
something about him having fun under the garden, what does he have down there?
A dungeon or something?”

Oh God, did I
say that?

“Answer me.”

There is
command in his tone again and it sets the hairs on the back of my neck on end.

“Max.”

“Yes,
basically he has a dungeon,” I snap.

“And that’s
what you’re into?”

“Sometimes.”

“He ties you
up and stuff?”

“Do we really
need to talk about this?”

“I want to
know.”

“Isn’t it a
little weird?”

“No, I want
to know what he does for you that no one else can.”

I chew my lip
for a minute. But when he’s still pointedly waiting, I huff and start talking.

“Richard is
the only one who can do that for me, because aside from my family, he is the
only one that knows what I am. He has always been there for me, supported me,
and helped me with my control. He knows how to handle me so I can get back on
top of it. It’s a fix, nothing more.”

“So you aren’t
in a relationship with him?”

“God no! He
has a mate.”

“Who
presumably has no clue?”

“None. And I
feel terrible about it. They have kids too. Friends of mine.” I sigh. “But
before me, it was a steady stream of young guys he would pick up in Soho. It’s
not like I started it, he was whoring around London long before we started. But
that still doesn’t make me feel good about it.”

“Stop then,”
he says quietly.

“If only it
were that easy.”

“He’s not the
only dominant in the world, submit to someone else.”

“You don’t
understand. I am not a submissive. I like to play with power a little, but I
stay on the dominant side of that game. We ran into each other at a club once.
That was the first I knew of his secret life. He’d let me use the garden to
escape and clear my head, but I had no clue what went on there. After he
freaked out at being caught, we talked. He asked if I had ever submitted and I
told him I’d try anything once, but didn’t trust myself enough to not lose
control.

He thought it
might help me and he offered to dominate me so that I could let go with someone
I trusted. I said I’d think about it. It was weird to think of him in that way
but what he was offering almost wasn’t sexual. It was help. Then one day I was
having a really hard time and I went to him for advice and he just kind of took
control. It worked, afterwards I felt really on top of things. So it just
became a thing I’d use to reset myself when things were bad. I’ve only ever
submitted for him. He showed me how it can work for me, but I don’t trust
myself to be that close to the edge with anyone else. Knowing so much is at
stake keeps me from going too far. If the pack found out, he would be ruined.
That keeps me together. He is a good man.”
 

“Really?” he
says with a sceptical tone.

“He is.”

“He sounded
like an arsehole to me.”

“Yes, well,
you don’t know all the good he has done, even before we started playing, for
years. He’s right though, I’d be a basket case without him. He’s shown me how
to stay a good person, to not let the darkness control me. He takes me to my
limit and lets me almost let go and then when we are done, I feel like I’ve won
a victory over that dark element of myself and it gives me enough of a boost
and the confidence, I guess, to go back to my life for a while and be on top of
things. He’s not an arsehole, not really.”

T lets me
finish, but I can tell he is waiting to jump in.

“So what I
want to know is, who told you you had to stay good?”

I frown, I
mean, as if I’d want to be anything but. But that isn’t what drives me. “It was
my mother’s last wish for me. And she gave me the chance to have a really good
life. I owe it to her.”
 

“Okay, and
you struggle with darkness? Like, you have to fight it?”

“I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Well I don’t
give it a chance. If I feel even a hint of a shift, I lock it down. I’m not
taking the chance.”

“And this was
advice given to you by the wonderful Richard I assume?”

I hesitate,
what is he driving at? “Yes.”

He nods, like
everything makes perfect sense now.

Several
minutes pass and I wait for him to say something else, but he stays silent. The
tension in the car is palpable, but since we have reached Hyde Park Corner, I
need to ask him where he lives.

“Where would
you like me to take you?”

Just like
that the tension evaporates. He beams from ear to ear. “Now there’s an offer!”

I shake my
head but can’t quite conceal my amusement. “Seriously.”

“You can just
take me back to your place; I’ll make my way home from there.”

I glance at
him.

“If you’d
rather
not..
”

The thing is,
I want to. I really want to.

Fuck, I
should be walking away from him, not taking him home. Things are moving too
fast. He knows everything, he’s met my parents for fucks sake!

His hand on
my thigh steadies my thoughts. “Max, it’s fine, just drop me off at a tube
station.”

“No.” I
hesitate, still not convinced it’s a good idea, but wanting it anyway. “It’s
okay.”

“If you’d
rather not show me where you live just yet, it’s alright.”

“It’s not
that, it’s—”

“You think I’m
going to make a move on you?”

“No, I think
I’m going to make a move on you.”

I pull my
eyes away from the road for a second to read his face and as I do he licks this
tongue over one of the hoops in his lip and drags it into his mouth. He is
doing it on purpose. “I’m okay with that.”

I blow out a
long breath and try to think this through.

“You going
silent on me?”

“No, I was
just thinking.”

“Shouldn’t do
that, only leads to trouble, thinking,” he muses.

My building
comes into view and I only have a moment to decide. “You’re right,” I say
decisively and signal to turn in to my building.

“Good choice
City Boy,” he says, squeezing my thigh.

Oh shit. What
in the world have I agreed to?

The silence
that descended on us as I parked my car is beginning to weigh me down by the
time the lift doors open on my floor.

“Are you sure
this is what you want?” he asks quietly from behind me as I cross the spacious
hall between the only two apartments on this floor. I stop in front of my door
and turn to see the heat in his eyes.

“Yes, I’m
sure. Is it what you want?”

“It is.”

I turn back
to the door and insert my key in the lock, but his hand grabs my wrist to stop
it from turning. “Wait!”

I pause, not
able to look away from the grain of the polished wood, for fear that he might
have changed his mind.

“Has he had
you here?”

I look up at
him standing beside me and shake my head. “He’s never been here.”

He smiles. “Good.”
Then he lets go of my hand.

He follows me
in and moves around me as I stop to drop my keys and bag in the hall.

I hear him
whistle as he comes out into the large living area and follow him. He literally
throws himself backwards onto the sofa, landing on all the cushions. “Nice
place!”

I grimace. “Thanks.
Make yourself at home.”

He folds his
arms behind his head and grins.

I shake my
head. He is so laid back it’s ridiculous.

“You get this
little crease in your forehead when you’re annoyed,” he remarks.

I frown.

“There, see,
it’s bigger now!” he laughs like a kid.

Without
thinking I touch my forehead to see if he is right.

“I can help
you get rid of that.”

“By messing
up my cushions…” The words slip out, I can’t stop them. I watch him as he puts
his feet on my coffee table, shoes and all. I close my eyes and pinch the
bridge of my nose. “And putting your shoes on my furniture?”
 

I hear him
trying to contain his laughter. “It’s all part of my process.”

I can feel
the irritation building. He’s deliberately pushing my buttons and it annoys me
that I’m so easy to read.

“I’m just
going to use the bathroom.” I excuse myself, heading into my bedroom and
through into my bathroom. I don’t need to go; I just need a minute to myself,
to gather my thoughts. I push the door mostly closed, but refrain from closing
it all the way. It seems wimpy to close it after earlier, when he just strode
in like a real man and did it.

I take a few
moments to gather myself, what the fuck are we doing here? He puts me all off
my game and I don’t like it. I need to talk to Valentina. I glance at the door.
Fuck it. Reaching into my pocket for my phone, I pull it out and dial.

“At last!”
She sighs all dramatically. “Tell your Mum to stop feeding you long enough to
talk to your BFF.”

“Hey.” I keep
my voice down.

“How is it
there? Spoiled rotten yet?”

I laugh
softly. “No I’m back in London.”

“Oh. Just a
flying visit then, I was expecting you to stay all weekend.”

“Yeah so was
I, but…”

“But?”

“We went to
the local pub last night and guess who was playing there in his band?”

“What, you
mean..
? No way!”

“Yes way.”

“Did you panic?
Why didn’t you call me?”

“I had it
under control this time, I think I felt it coming.”

“Seriously,
the stars are trying to tell you something with that one.”

“Yeah, I get
that impression.”

“Did you run
away again?”