The Butterfly Box (55 page)

‘Hal, you’re sick,’ Federica said kindly.

‘Go away and leave me alone!’ he cried, thrashing out with his arms. ‘I don’t need you to come and lecture me.’

‘I care about you, Hal. Look at the state you’re in. You live like an animal.’

‘It’s not so bad,’ he protested.

‘It’s terrible. You need help,’ she said.

‘I’m fine,’ he insisted.

‘You’re an alcoholic,’ she stated bluntly.

‘I drink occasionally. So does everyone. That hardly qualifies me as an alcoholic,’ he said sarcastically.

Then Claire stepped forward out of the shadows. ‘I told her everything, Hal,’ she said, wiping the tears from her face.

He stared at her a moment, blinking her into focus. Then his face twisted in defeat. ‘You bitch,’ he spat.

‘It’s because I love you that I can’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself.'

Hal put his head into his hands and wept.

Hal allowed Sam and Federica to take him home. Claire said that she would pack up his things and sort out his room. Federica thanked her gratefully but knew that Hal would probably never want to see her again. He sat in the back of the car shaking with cold and discomfort, his skin an unhealthy pale green colour - he looked as if he already had one foot in the morgue. Federica and Sam decided that they would keep the nature of his illness secret in order not to upset his family. They agreed to say that he had had a nervous breakdown. Federica knew that he needed to get away, start again somewhere else, far from Helena’s possessive love and the horror of his own demons.

‘I’m going to take Hal to Chile,’ she told Sam.

‘When?’ Sam exclaimed in alarm.

‘As soon as possible. He needs to leave the country for a while. There’s only one person who can help him through this, because he helped me through my

trouble too.’

‘Who’s that?’ Sam asked, feeling an invisible hand wrap itself around his throat.

‘My father.’

‘Your father?’

‘Yes, he’s at the root of Hal’s problem.’

‘How did he help you?’ he asked, fixing his eyes on the road in front of him and gripping the steering wheel in an effort to control his impulses.

‘I wasn’t going to tell you, because I feared you might think it ridiculous. But Papa sent me anonymous notes of such lovely poetry. He must have written them himself, after all, he’s a poet as well as a novelist.’

‘I see,’ said Sam tightly. His heart flooded with disappointment, but he couldn’t bring himself to dampen her happiness and tell her that the notes had really come from him.

‘He’s very spiritual and philosophical. His notes just opened my eyes, I suppose, and helped me to see my situation more clearly. I felt I wasn’t alone, that he was there helping me. He gave me the strength to leave Torquil. I want to thank him. But I think he could help Hal too.’

‘So, how long will you stay?’

‘As long as it takes. I’ve got nothing to keep me here.’

‘No,’ he said flatly, swallowing his misery in order to brood on it later when he was alone. ‘Nothing.’

Chapter 40

Hal wanted to get better. Polly said that was the first step and a very brave step indeed. Helena was appalled when she heard, but Federica was firm. ‘He needs a new scene,’ she said. ‘And so do I.
¹

Helena insisted that she could nurse him back to health. ‘You don’t need to take him across the world, for goodness’ sake!’ she exclaimed, hurt that Hal was ready to leave her and humiliated that she hadn’t been able to help him herself.

‘We’re going to find Papa,’ Federica admitted finally. ‘I know that Hal’s problem goes back to when he was a child in Chile. He needs to talk to him.’

Helena went white with indignation, as if Federica was attacking her personally for leaving Ramon. She sat tight-lipped and furious, smouldering with guilt and jealousy because she wasn’t included.

Arthur was so relieved that at last someone had taken responsibility for Hal he bought them their tickets to Santiago.

‘Don’t thank
me
,’ he said to Federica, ‘this is to thank
you.
You don’t know how grateful I am.’

Federica knew he was discreetly thanking her for more than preserving the health of his stepson. She kissed his fleshy face and whispered, ‘Don’t forget the good times with Mama, will you. There were many more than bad.’

But Arthur was determined to wait. Sadly he had no choice. If she didn’t come back of her own accord, he would have to let her go.

Sam was mortified that Federica was leaving Polperro and hurt that she believed there was no reason to stay. He wanted to shake her, tell her he loved her with his whole heart and his whole being, but he knew that if he did he would ruin any chance he had.

She would come to him when she was ready or not at all. He’d just have to be patient. The day before she left he arrived at Toby and Julian’s house to say goodbye. He had bought her a gift, hoping that she’d remember him each time she used it.

‘Oh, Sam, you really shouldn’t have bought me a present,’ she said, taking the package from him. He stood with his hands in his pockets, his moth-eaten jersey barely able to keep out the cold that penetrated right through to his bones. She opened the brown paper to find a Pentax camera. ‘My God!’ she

exclaimed. This is a proper camera.’

‘It’s got a proper zoom lens too,’ he said, smiling in order to hide his despair.

‘You’re so sweet, Sam, thank you,’ she replied, kissing him on his taut cheek. He breathed in the scent of her skin that invaded his senses whenever she came close and resisted the impulse to pull her against him and kiss her properly like he had done that night in the barn.

‘Don’t forget your friend, will you?’ he said, suppressing his emotion.

She grinned at him with gratitude. ‘You’ve been such a good friend, Sam. I’m so grateful. If it hadn’t been for you, I’d never have got through these last weeks.’

‘Well, don’t forget that you did it all by yourself,’ he said. ‘You don’t need anyone any more, you’re strong on your own.’

Federica frowned at him and thought how like her father he sounded.

 

Mariana had just come in from a walk along the beach when the telephone rang. She picked it up to hear the crackle of a long-distance call and then the thin voice of a young woman.
‘Hola, quìn es
?’ she said, putting her hand over

her other ear to muffle the sound of Ramoncito who was playing a competitive game of chess with his grandfather.

‘It’s Federica.’

Mariana caught her breath. ‘Fede? Is that you?’ she gasped in English.

‘Abuelita, it’s really me,’ she exclaimed, feeling a wave of nostalgia hit her.

‘It’s been so long! How are you?’

‘I’m coming out to Chile tomorrow with Hal. Can we come and stay?’

‘Well, of course you can,’ she said in excitement. ‘I don’t believe it. I thought you’d forgotten about us.'

‘I never forgot about you, Abuelita. I have so much to tell you, so much . . .’ she said, the joy catching in her throat and making it difficult to speak. ‘Is Papa with you?’ she asked hoarsely.

‘He has a house on the beach, between here and Zapallar.’

‘Will he be there?'

‘Yes,’ she said happily. ‘Yes he will. He’ll be so happy to see you both! I’ll send a car to pick you up and bring you down.’ Then she added hopefully, ‘How long will you be staying?’ And Federica couldn’t help but laugh for her grandmother hadn’t changed at all.

When Mariana walked out onto the terrace, her old eyes streaming with joy, Ignacio looked up from his chess game. ‘What’s happened?’ he asked, wondering what kind of miracle had the power to make her face glow like that.

Mariana rubbed her hands together, unable to contain her happiness. ‘Ramoncito,’ she said. ‘You’re going to meet your half-brother and sister. They're arriving in two days to stay.’

Ramoncito looked at his grandfather whose face crumpled with delight.

‘Woman, you sure know how to distract our concentration,’ he said and grinned at her. ‘I thought they’d forgotten about us,’ he added, taking his glasses off and wiping his eyes.

‘No, and what’s more they have no plans,’ she said hopefully.

‘Maybe they’re coming home,’ he said, looking at his wife with tenderness.

‘Maybe.’ Then she bustled into the cool interior of the house to prepare their rooms. She wanted to do it personally and Gertrude couldn’t be trusted to get it right. Gertrude couldn’t be trusted to get anything right, but for some reason Ignacio liked her, so she stayed.

‘Abuelito?’ said Ramoncito, moving his piece across the board. His grandfather put his glasses back on the bridge of his nose and looked at his grandson over the top of them. ‘Will I like Hal and Federica?’

‘Yes, you will, you’ll like them very much. But you have to remember that they were torn from their father when they were very small. They’re coming out with a lot of emotional baggage. Be patient and give them time to sort it out. Your father loves you, Ramoncito, and he loved your mother more than he ever loved anyone. Don’t forget that.’

The boy nodded and watched his grandfather turn his attention back to the game.

Ramon typed the last line of his book with great satisfaction. It had been cathartic. Estella had shown him that it was possible to love without possessiveness, to love enough to give the other his freedom. Her life had quite literally changed his. In a way he felt she had unwittingly sacrificed herself for his enlightenment. She had set an example and he had learnt from it. He only wished that he had had the inner ability to learn from her while she had been alive. So he aired his feelings of guilt and failure which had clung to his

conscience since he had wilfully abandoned his children, in an allegory about three birds: the peacock who demands love’s total commitment, the swallow who flies away from love and the third, the phoenix, who brings her unconditional love without asking for anything in return. When the phoenix disappears into the flames the peacock and the swallow have finally learnt how to love without yearning to possess each other. Ramon was pleased with his work. He entitled it
To Love Enough
and dedicated it To those I have loved’.

He thought of Federica and Hal. It was too late to try to make up for his negligence in the past and that greatly saddened him. But he had Ramoncito and poured into him the love he had in his heart for three. He sank into an easy chair and in the half-light of his study he read the manuscript from beginning to end. The shutters were closed against the heat of early afternoon but the gentle surge of the sea filtered through with the scent of honeysuckle and jasmine and caressed his soul that still mourned the loss of Estella.

When Ramoncito found him later he was submerged in his memories, his eyes closed and his breathing heavy. Ramoncito couldn’t wait to tell him the news; he knew how happy he’d be. So he shook his shoulder gently. ‘Wake up, Papa!’ he whispered. ‘I have good news for you.’

Ramon opened his eyes and pulled himself out of his warm, rose-scented dreams and blinked up at his son.

‘Hal and Federica are arriving in two days from England,’ he said and watched his father stare at him in bewilderment. ‘It’s true. Federica telephoned Abuelita this afternoon. I’m finally going to meet my half-brother and sister,’ he said and smiled broadly.

Ramon sat up and rubbed his eyes. ‘Tell me again,’ he said in confusion. ‘Federica and Hal are coming here? Are you sure?’

‘Yes,’ Ramoncito insisted happily.

‘And Helena?’

‘No, just Federica and Hal.’

‘They’re going to stay with my parents, right?’

‘Yes.’

‘My God, I don’t deserve this,’ he mumbled, standing up and suffering a terrible head spin.

‘Yes, you do, Papa,’ said Ramoncito. ‘Mama was always telling you to go and see them.’

‘And I never listened to her.’

‘She’d be happy.’

‘I know.’

‘Have you finished yet?’

‘The book?’

‘Yes.’

‘Yes, I have.’

‘Great, let’s open a bottle of wine. We have two things to celebrate now,’ said Ramoncito joyfully.

But Ramon was anxious. Federica and Hal knew nothing of Estella and Ramoncito.

Hal and Federica boarded the plane for the long journey across the waters to Chile. Neither knew what to expect, but both hoped that somehow the ghosts of the past would be confronted and exorcised. Hal was pale and visibly shaking with discomfort as his body craved the poison that was destroying it. Federica kept forcing him to drink water to flush it all out, fussing over him like an overprotective nurse. As soon as they boarded the plane he slouched into his chair, closed his fevered eyes and slept.

Federica tried to read but she was unable to concentrate. The events of the last month invaded her thoughts, allowing her no peace. She cast her mind back to Torquil. She had been unhappy right from the start of their marriage, but she had believed she loved him and did everything he asked of her in order to please him. How easy it had been for him to manipulate her and mould her into a submissive pawn. She had taken it all, every humiliation, until she had grown so accustomed to his controlling nature that she had no longer recognized it or realized that it was within her power to withstand it. She had wanted a father figure to look after her and protect her from the world. It was a miracle that she had grown up at all in the stifling air of their marriage where his overbearing personality had stunted her growth, but somehow she had realized that she no longer wanted someone to live for her, but to live herself in the way she wanted.

It sounded simple with hindsight. She should have left earlier. She was appalled at her own lack of character and vowed to herself silently that she would never let anyone treat her like that again. She thought of her father and the notes of poetry he had sent her. It had been due to his support that she had been able to stand back and look at her marriage with detachment. Then there

was Sam who had kept her afloat.

When she thought of Sam she smiled inwardly until the smile rested on her lips, curling them up at the corners. She pictured his dishevelled figure, those shabby sweaters he always wore, the dusty shoes that hadn’t ever enjoyed the luxury of a lick of polish, his lofty expression and intelligent eyes. He had been a beautiful boy, she recalled wistfully, remembering their first encounter on the lake. He had had thick blond hair that fell over his eyes, pale pink lips that smirked sardonically, luminous skin that glowed with contentment and the charisma of a young man who knows he is much cleverer than everyone else.

So what had happened? Age had stolen his golden hair, experience had humbled him and Nuno’s death had robbed him of his contentment. He was more loveable now, less aloof. But Federica didn’t allow herself to dwell on her feelings for Sam; she wasn’t ready to confront them yet. She pulled the butterfly box out of her bag and turned the focus of her attention to her father and grandparents, reliving all those glorious moments as a child before her mother had taken her away across the sea.

 

Hal slept most of the way, waking up to eat and go to the bathroom. It was

only when they landed in Santiago airport that he sat up and stared out of the window, the view over the Andes mountains strumming within him a familiar chord that caused his throat to tighten and his eyes to well with tears. He swallowed hard, gripping the arm of his seat as the complex jumble of his emotions churned in his stomach.

‘We’re home, Fede,’ he choked, turning to look at her. She nodded, for she too was moved and unable to speak. She blinked away her joy and threaded her hand into his.

Mariana had sent the chauffeur to pick them up and drive them down to Cachagua. He introduced himself as Raul Ferro but didn’t speak a word of English and Hal and Federica had forgotten the Spanish they had once spoken fluently. So they communicated with gestures and followed him out to the car. The heat in Santiago was stifling and oppressive but Hal and Federica absorbed it with delight along with the long-forgotten memories. At first they sat in the back in silence, watching the scenery pass by the windows, lost in the dusty halls of their past. Then, when the car left the city and sped up the open road that cut through the arid mountains to the coast, they sat back and looked at one

another with different eyes. After years of estrangement they were at once reunited by their shared childhood and their shared longing to reclaim it.

‘I was only four when we left, but you know, I remember so much,’ said Hal wistfully, wiping his sweating brow with his shirtsleeve. ‘I feel better already!’

‘I thought it would be strange seeing it all again, but it feels as if I never left,’ she sighed, watching the heat shimmering above the road ahead like pools of water.