The Brontes Went to Woolworths (16 page)

‘One doesn’t shut oneself up in the library for three-quarters of an hour with caviare,’ she rapped.

‘Were we, indeed, as long as that?’

‘You were indeed. Time flying, and so on.’

‘The old complaint, books, my dear.’

‘But you can’t
talk
about books – Herbert, what
were
you talking about?’

‘We were discussing Emily Brontë
’ ‘Oh, I know
that
.’ She saw, instantly, that she had given herself away, and stowed the Gaskell Life behind a cushion. ‘When I came down, you were doing that.’

‘Please, Mildred! That is a First Edition.’ Where did you find it?’

‘I saw it on the table, when we all left,’ she answered brusquely.

‘I hope we are going to be friends with the Carnes. I should be grieved if you have taken a dislike to the girl.’

‘Dislike? I’m very fond of her!’ She seemed indignant.

‘Oh, Mildred, I am glad! I can see how she admires and likes you.’

‘I thought so too, at first.’ She ran her hand through her shingle, like a schoolgirl. ‘Herbert, I – you won’t let me be left out, will you? Please . . . I’m so tired of being just a hostess to be endured, and having to be pompous and no fun. I
like
fun, Herbert, and the Carne girl is fun and she seemed to be fond of me, and I thought there’s someone at last to take about and make a fuss of and have silly jokes with that aren’t witty and so clever one can’t see the point, and who won’t score off one when one splits infinitives. And little Sheil . . . and then I saw it was really going to be all you, and I was stranded again. Have Deirdre as your own property, but let me in on things sometimes.’ A large tear – rolled down her nose.

Toddington, astounded and profoundly touched, came over to her, put his arm round her.

‘Dear Milly-Mill, of course you are in everything. I know, you see. Miss Deirdre told me.’

‘Eh?’ she sniffed, her head hidden on his shoulder.

‘My dear, we figure in a family saga. I mean, they’ve got a story about us,’ his face wrinkled with amusement, ‘and you’re well and truly in it.’

‘What do I do?’ she asked eagerly.

‘Just what I asked about myself. I don’t know, yet, the full scope of
your
activities (we must find that out gradually), but my own include a singularly helpless dependence upon Mathewson, who chooses all my luncheons for me, plus ill-bred scenes with a defunct pierrot.’

Lady Toddington gave a scream of laughter.

‘I’ve got a better one than that! though Sheil was careful – to explain that they didn’t
really
think it happened. It appears that once you refused to join in the Judges’ Michaelmas Term procession, and dug a burrow and hid in it with only your head out and a mushroom on your wig.

‘And they call you Toddy. And me Lady Mildred.’

He swept off his glasses. ‘But, let me understand you. About the mushroom. Why a mushroom?’

‘So as not to be
seen
, you old silly! You were part of the landscape, with a mushroom on. Oh mercy! I saw that at once!’

‘Hah. And was I not discovered?’

‘Never!’ she answered triumphantly. ‘Herbert,
have
you been ringing them up every evening, or is that part of the game, too?’

He looked at her slightly harried face, and shook.

‘I really believe I must have. When did I first start telephoning?’ ‘I don’t know. It sounded like a long time ago.’

‘Then let’s not question it . . . Mildred, we’ve been missing a lot of good times, haven’t we?’

‘By Jove, my dear, we have!’

He began to walk up and down the room with the famous stiff gait with which he entered his court before bowing like a jack-knife to the jury.

‘You know, I dropped a brick, this afternoon at tea. Brick . . . m’m. . . a witness said that the other day, and it struck me as a most felicitous expression . . . brick . . . ’ (‘Oh do go
on
! Everybody says it.’)

‘Well, it seems that we have a dog called Bottles
’ ‘Yes, yes. I heard that.’ She was fidgeting with impatience. ‘You did? Well, I was slow about the whole situation, with the little child
’ ‘Oh
Herbert
, you old juggins!’

‘I know. I’m extremely sorry . . . Do you advise the purchase of a terrier whom we can call
’

‘That’s no good, dear. It wouldn’t be the same. I can’t explain why, but it wouldn’t. We’ll all have to wipe out Bottles. I suppose she didn’t say anything about Ming, did she?’

‘Er
, I’m afraid not.’

‘Poor old fat Mildred’s dog! A washout like his missus!’ But she smiled into his face.

‘It’s curious how unsatisfactory they’ve made one feel.’

‘Oh, it’ll right itself in time, my dear,’ she responded comfortably, ‘and we’ll have good times, won’t we?’

‘Indeed, yes.’

‘Not all Brontës and highbrowism, Herb’?’ Her hands were on his shoulders.

‘Heaven forbid, my dear. I want to be amused! We both need it. I
will
be amused, too!’

‘How nice!’

‘Not “nice,” Milly! Nice means ignorant, foolish, senseless, fastidious, careful, subtle, appetising, hard to please, and so on. Dear me! How can my wish to be amused be careful or appetising? Foolish, possibly, and even ignorant

’ She tweaked his face. ‘My darling Herbert – go to blazes and stop there!’

For a second he looked at her with what to herself she called his mud-turtle expression: hooded eye and long upper lip compressed into a thread. Then he shook with giggles. Lady Toddington said, ‘I
do
love pulling that pouch by your mouth. It goes back with a plonk. I do hope when I’m your age I shall go back with a plonk, too. But plonks don’t come so well in women.’

‘Now, Mill, stop this nonsense, and confess.’

‘What?’ she answered happily.

‘Exactly how the Brontë Life struck you?’

For a second she hesitated, then plunged. ‘Oh my dear, its all such a
fuss
! I’m bored stiff! I hoped I was going to be edified, because
’

‘I know. And you’re a very plucky woman to admit it. Confound the Brontës!’

‘You won’t believe it, but I
am
so fond of you, Herbert.’

‘I was afraid you were bored with me, Mildred. I don’t know . . . one gets set in one’s ways . . . ’

‘Hurray ! Let’s have a drink.’

‘A very small one for me. I can’t put away what you ladies do.’ Glasses in hand, they sat down side by side.

‘And now, what are we going to do about it?’

‘Ring them up as usual,’ said Lady Toddington promptly. ‘You’re not serious?’

‘Why not?’

‘It would be a most unwarranted intrusion on so slight an acquaintance.’

‘Ah, but you see, apparently the acquaintance isn’t so slight . . . My dear, we shall lose those children if we don’t watch our step.’