The Brenda Diaries (19 page)

August

August 1:

-Faux tan disaster! Woke up looking like I've eaten a ton of carrots. Sluthammer finds my orange glow funny. Me, not so much.

-No call from my temp agency today, but hoping for something tomorrow. Doubt my fake orange tan will fade by to normal pasty white by then.

-Sluthammer refuses to be seen in public with me, says I look like an Oompa Loompa. Making the best of it and dyeing tips of my hair green.

August 2:

-On-call means just that. Answered my phone at 7:15, out the door by 7:35 and stuck in traffic until 8:40. The glamorous life of a temp…

-Green tips of my hair aren't going over well with office manager. Will dye them back to brown tonight. Orange skin wasn't mentioned, tho.

-Had to go to 3 different drugstores to find my shade of brown. Now I'm too annoyed to dye my hair. Never dye angry, that's my one rule.

August 3:

-The green hair stays because I'm staying home. Office manager didn't like my attitude and nixed me coming back. Whatever.

-I'm in trouble. Have to go in to temp agency tomorrow to talk about my attitude. Wait 'till they see my hair.

-Still in a foul mood. Sluthammer is steering clear of me and warned off Boyfriend. Going to seethe in a bubble bath and hope it washes away.

August 4:

-Got a $10 trim to get rid of green tips. Now have the urge to piece something. I'm obviously suffering from latent teenage rebellion.

-Temporary temp agency rep said I might consider not temping anymore and get a real job. I knew there was a reason I didn't like her.

-Hanging out with Boyfriend listening to him talk about his screenplay. He's yet to add more monkey to it or notice my newly trimmed hair.

August 5:

-Spending my morning being a grown up and getting my finances in order. Soon I'll start eating fiber cereal. Sad.

-Going to the mall and, for once, Sluthammer doesn't want to come along. Maybe she's sick? As in ill.

-Sluthammer is still acting weird. Only noticed because I'm acting weird, too. You'd think that would cancel the weird out, but no.

August 6:

-Turns out my bathroom gets excellent cell phone reception, but isn't a good place for keeping private calls private. Must get lock fixed.

-Thief asked me out, but I'm saving my pennies and my relationship by saying no.

August 7:

-Fake orange tan has finally gone away. Never doing that again. Unnaturally pasty is my natural state.

-Sluthammer wants to go to Vegas for her 25th birthday. Another low key b-day for her where I have to make sure she keeps her top on.

August 8:

-Scored a weeklong temp assignment. The work is boring, but Thief is here to liven things up. Dangerous.

-Can I file a worker's comp for paper cuts?

-Sluthammer is out and have the apartment to myself. Going to keep it that way by not inviting Boyfriend over.

August 9:

-Thief didn't get asked back to assignment so I'll have to entertain myself today by not bleeding to death from paper cuts.

-Late lunch. I put it off as long as possible to have something to look forward to and scored free chips with my sandwich. Happy!

-Shopping with Sluthammer for her birthday in Vegas trip. Going to try to keep things just this side of tacky and far from slut as possible.

August 10:

-Got off on the wrong floor but didn't leave right away. They had free fruit and all sorts of magazines in the reception area.

-Day is starting to drag. Maybe I'll head upstairs for more fruit and magazines. I bet the bathrooms are nicer, too.

-Boyfriend wants to know what I'm thinking. I'm thinking he should mind his own business.

August 11:

-Work is work and this is the worst kind of work.

-Someone jammed the paper shredder, but I figured out how to fix it. Now I can shred all day. Yeah, didn't think that one through.

-Visiting my grandma tomorrow. We're going to watch TV complete with commercials. She's old school.

August 12:

-A woman with yoga mat under her arm having a phone fight at Starbucks. Seems her man has been getting flexible with another gal. Tsk.

-I've managed to scan and shred the every last file that was stacked on my desk. It's not brain surgery, but I'm I do take pride in my work.

-Stopping at the drugstore to pick up some Brach's Milk Maid Royals for my visit with Grandma. She won't hug me if I show up empty handed.

August 13:

-Boyfriend and Sluthammer calendar conflict. Do I go with him to visit his parents or do Vegas for her 25th birthday? How about neither. 

-Boyfriend has a summer cold. Dropped off a can of chicken soup, cough drops and instructions to stay away from me until he's better.

August 14:

-Sluthammer is boinking MoneyBags. Again. Can't say I'm surprised, but will keep my disappointment to myself. Her life, her bad choices.

August 15:

-Forgot to set my alarm and slept past 7:30 and just got a call for a day-to-day assignment. Crappy way to start the week.

-Office vending machine is broken and I might have been the one to do it. Keeping my head down and playing dumb.

-Guy I'm working for has screenplay dreams...like Boyfriend. Now the line between my work life and personal life is very blurry. Great.

August 16:

-Working again for the architect who wants to write screenplays, wears very interesting glasses but has super boring story ideas.

-This office has chilled cucumber water, fresh fruit and a great outdoor patio. Foot rubs on demand would make it almost like a spa.

-Sluthammer is making a big show of getting ready to go to the gym. We both know it's only MoneyBags who she'll be sweating over.

August 17:

-Thinking of getting Boyfriend and architect together so they can talk screenplays. Both have more in common than I do with either of them.

-Had to pretend to do "work" (sit and wait for the phone to ring) for an hour so temp boss wouldn't get in trouble while h e was in a meeting.

-Working for architect again tomorrow. We're going to watch movies, talk scripts. Not sure how long this ride will last. For either of us.

August 18:

-Office vending machine has been fixed. Think I'll go burn some popcorn in the microwave now.

-Have spent most of the day watching chick flicks with architect/aspiring screenwriter. He's full of questions. Dumb ones, mostly.

-Meeting Sluthammer and Boyfriend for dinner. Since I have to hang out with them, I get to pick where we eat and they get to pay for it.

August 19:

-Found a bottle of Wite-Out in the supply closet. My nails are now bright white, but my mood is dark. Need a black Sharpie to color them in. 

-Thief called. Chatted my ear off until I told him I had to get back to work. Didn't tell him work was watching Sleepless in Seattle.

-Talked screenplays all week with reluctant architect. Boyfriend says it's "cheating"--he's usually the one who bores me with plot points.

August 20:

-Sluthammer is on a fitness bender and wants me to suffer alongside her. She's signed us up for boot camp to get bikini ready for her b-day.

-Made it through boot camp. Now on the couch watching Lifetime lady crack movies and eating soothing junk food. Who knew exercise was fun?

August 21:

-Can't move thanks to yesterday's boot camp which means it's going to be very hard to make today's session. Someone write me an excuse note!

-Still hurts too much to move. Can’t even iron tomorrow's work outfit. Borrowed one of my granny's tailored tracksuits and her heating pad.

August 22:

-Let go early from assignment. Someone finally figured out I wasn’t doing authorized work for client.

-Have to go into agency tomorrow for a "talk." More than enough time to come up with the perfect outfit because it's not like a have a job.

-My neighborhood nail salon has a blah selection of polishes and colors but many trashy gossip rags (People, OK, Star) it makes up for it.

-Sluthammer wants to know how my day went. She's going to regret asking because I'm going to tell her in minute detail just to be mean.

August 23:

-Even though I don't want to go where I have to be, it doesn't mean I can be late. Heading into temp agency for a "talk." Bleh.

-My file has been noted with a warning and I've been suspended for the week. While I kind of like being a bad girl, I'd rather work. Bleh!

-Handy says couple in the apartment below me split up and are moving. Not surprised. They haven't woke me up with their humping in months.

-Out at a bar with Sluthammer. Some guy tried to pick me up with the "are you an actress" line. Told him I'd act like I didn't hear him. 

August 24:

-Took my neighbor's Yappy dog out for a walk and he went through three poop bags. What does that bitch feed him?

-Meeting Thief for lunch. With no work to go to, I'm still in bad girl mode.

-Handy asked if I want to help him paint downstairs apartment tomorrow. Says I can pick lunch and what we listen to on the radio. Score!

August 25:

-In my coveralls, ready to paint apartment of ex-happy couple. Handy says I can keep whatever I find. Kind of sad, but hope they left a pony.

August 26:

-Rude Lawyer wants to book me for two weeks starting on Monday. Rent and Starbucks win out over morals and ethics. Took the job.

-Void called to make sure I'll tutor him this school year. Told him yes and I won't even raise my rate to take advantage of him.

-Boyfriend wants to go for a sunset walk on the beach. I'll try to control my eye rolling and dry heaving.

August 27:

-Going to Vegas for Sluthammer's 25th b-day, but not to boot camp today, tomorrow or ever again. That's why sarongs were invented.

-House warming party for couple who have been fighting since they moved in together. Doubt they last longer than the candle I'm giving them.

August 28:

-Sluthammer spent the night with MoneyBags. I wonder what his wife thinks about this?

-Invited Boyfriend over to watch me do laundry. He's gets off on it and I get to do my laundry.

August 29:

-Rehab has changed Rude Lawyer. Not for the better, but at least for the not worse. Once a lawyer, always a lawyer.

-Having a perfectly bland turkey sandwich for lunch.

-Handy says the apartment below me has been rented to another married couple. Hope they have better luck than the last one.

August 30:

-Rude Lawyer is trying to be nice. It's like watching a rhinoceros try to put on ice skates--entertaining, but ultimately pointless.

-Another rude lawyer asked me what's up with Rude Lawyer. Told her I don't speak their language, but it might be a side effect of lawyerness.

-Thief wants to hangout, but Boyfriend and Sluthammer are being clingy. He’s just going to have to wait to get some of my sumpin sumpin.

August 31:

-Someone pressed all the buttons in the elevator. It wasn't me.

-Rude Lawyer wants to know if I like his new tie. I told him no without even looking at it. 

-Felt guilty about all the meat eating I did before a friend's vegan dinner party, but not enough to take a second helping of gloop.

September

September 1:

-Boyfriend is coming along for Sluthammer’s 25th in Vegas. Told him to get a haircut--I can only hold one person’s hair back while they puke.

-Eating lunch in the break room. Lawyers either eat at their desks or go out and this is the only lawyer-free space in the office. Heaven.

-2 parking tickets in the space of a week. I don’t believe in bad karma, but I do believe that bad parking spot choices will lead to tickets.

September 2:

-Rude Lawyer is trying to be nice again. Given a choice between the two, I'd pick rude. It's easier to ignore him when he being himself.

-Sluthammer is trying to pretend she doesn’t care MoneyBags isn’t coming with us to Vegas to drink shots off her rack.

-Trying to figure how to tell Rude Lawyer I might be in a little late on Tuesday. Maybe he won't notice if I show up hungover and sunburnt?

-Boyfriend and Sluthammer are making fun of me for packing my retainer. They can laugh all they want--my overbite never takes a vacation.

September 3:

-Way too early flight to Vegas plus way too drunk passengers pretty much equal what the rest of the weekend is going to be like.

-Yes. It’s hot in Vegas. And, yes, Sluthammer is complaining about it.

-What's with all the toddlers in casinos? Makes it kind of hard to drink, gamble and smoke with babies around. Hard but not impossible.

-What does a gal make sure to wear when she knows her friend is going to get messy drunk at Vegas clubs? Boots and a fanny pack.

September 4:

-Both Sluthammer and Boyfriend are asleep (read: passed out). I’m up early to snag us a shady spot by the pool. Yes, I’m an old lady.

-Sluthammer is looking for the bra she wore last night. Told her it must be in one of the 25 bars she took it off in.

-How much buffet can one gal handle? I’m determined to find out.

-Sluthammer and Boyfriend are convinced I can win enough money at roulette to pay off my collage loans. I'm not drunk enough to believe them.

September 5:

-Last day in Vegas. A few hours by the pool, some shopping and then watching Sluthammer frantically try to pack 15 minutes before we leave.

-Boyfriend is joking that we should get married. I’m not joking about punching him in the nuts.

-When it comes to eating at the airport, there are no rules.

September 6:

-I survived Vegas with my bank account and dignity intact which means I really didn’t do Vegas like I should have.

-Rude Lawyer is out of the office for the rest of the week. I get to sit here pretending I wouldn’t rather be somewhere else. College, it pays.

-Have Q-tips, toothbrush, wipes, and spray cleaner. This desk, phone and keyboard are going to be squeakier than squeaky clean.

-Sat in on a deposition. Now I know what to say if I’m ever accused of embezzlement and it’s not, “I didn’t think they’d notice.”

-I donated Sluthammers trampy Vegas clothes to a local stripper charity organization. And that’s a marker of a true friend and humanitarian.

September 7:

-Another day of sitting outside Rude Lawyer’s empty office. Going to ask the mailroom guys if they need any help pushing that cart.

-Done with mail route through office. Disappointed--I didn't even break a sweat. Guy who let me push his cart suggested I still take a break.

-Overstayed my welcome at the reception area on floor 29. I'll have to find somewhere else to mooch free fruit and magazines or bring my own.

-Boyfriend thinks just because there’s no work for me to do, I can read his screenplay. Nope. I'm still on the clock even if it's not his.

-Tomorrow I’m wearing a blazer, and bringing a bar stool to set myself up as an elevator attendant.

-Thief is having the worst birthday ever. Taking him to Arby’s to show him it can in fact get a lot worse. #friendship

September 8:

-Sluthammer doesn't get why I'm bothering with work. And this is why my generation will bring our country to its knees. Or at least she will.

-Have added pillbox hat and white gloves to my elevator attendant uniform. Now I look super official. Time to press floor buttons.

-Turns out peop le assume there are still things like elevator attendants. Most ask for their floor without a glance in my direction.

-Wore my elevator attendant uniform to do the office mail delivery and kept getting asked why wasn't in the elevator. Fake jobs don't mix.

-I've avoided thinking too hard about last night, but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it.

September 9:

-Last day working for absent Rude Lawyer. He left a message that I can leave early. Guess it’s his way of saying “Please don’t sue me.”

-Someone totally tooted in my elevator.

-Made out in tips for pressing elevator buttons during the lunch rush. Had to pass some over to the security guy as a kickback.

-Hanging up my blazer, hat and gloves. My short and surprisingly profitable career as an elevator attendant is over. For now.

-Seeing Boyfriend later tonight. Going to try to pretend things are better than normal which will be a dead giveaway that they’re not.

September 10:

-Boyfriend is blissfully unaware of what a wretched girlfriend I am. Going to do my best to keep that state of ignorance alive and well. 

-Going to dye a gray streak in my hair before stress beats me to it.

-Handy says my gray streak reminds him of a cranky physics professor from his university days in Kiev. Exactly the look I was going for!

-Spending the night at Boyfriend’s despite his scratchy sheets, one-ply toilet paper and always damp towels. This is my version of penance.

September 11:

-Avoiding both Boyfriend and Sluthammer today (and for the rest of this coming week) by working erratic hours at the mall.

-Turned in a lost wallet to mall security and didn’t even peek inside. Halo failed spontaneously appear over my head.

-If you work at the mall, you must pretend to know everything about it and where everything is or people will think you’re stupid. #MallLaw

-Heading home to scour every inch of my apartment. If only I could do the same thing for my pesky conscious.

September 12:

-Since I’m peddling knock-off sunglasses at the mall, I can’t wear my not phony pair while I work. Customer service first, integrity second.

-The cash register will jam or the credit card machine will die just as you’re about to make a huge sale. #MallLaw

-Lunch break was free samples from the food court followed by reading magazines at the bookstore. I can do this because I work here. #MallLaw

-Got a job offer from another mall kiosk stand to sell bejewled cell phone covers. Is there such a thing as being too good at one’s job? Yup.

September 13:

-My Other Side Job: Tutoring Void tonight. At last, work that makes my college degree not a complete waste of time and money. Well, almost.

-Best friends you’ll ever make are fellow mall employees until someone moves onto better job. Then they’re as good as dead. #MallLaw

-Trapped at the Mall: Took forever to find my car. My sense of direction doesn't function in underground parking lots.

-Void doesn’t like my gray streak. Says it makes him worry about my chances for landing a husband. Don't think you can blame that on my hair.

September 14:

-Kiosk Boss suspects I’ve been entertaining other offers. If he only knew the truth maybe he could break the news to Boyfriend for me. 

-Lunch with Boyfriend at the mall. Feels like 2004 again except that boyfriend had to take the bus to the mall and never paid for lunch.

-You’ll sell that last pair of sunglasses just as the person who said she’d come back in an hour for them but didn’t does.  #MallLaw

-Was just short of making my sales goal for the day so I bought my granny and Sluthammer matching cool old lady shades to help all of us out.

-Void and I wore the cool old lady sunglasses while we discussed The Crucible and if there's a difference between boysluts and girlsluts.

September 15:

-Sluthammer is a little too glad I’m visiting Boyfriend’s parents this weekend. She’s totally going to have sex with MoneyBags on my bed.

-Lost a sale because I told a group of tourists that real celebrities don’t shop at this mall. I sell knock-off sunglasses, but I'm no liar.

-There’s always one security guard who takes his job way too seriously. #MallLaw

Got one of those pee-pee protector sheets for my bed. Who knows what Sluthammer has planned for it while I’m gone.

September 16:

-Last day at the knock-off sunglass kiosk until holiday shopping season. Determined to try on every pair before the end of the day.

-Wandered into boutique and tried on a pair of jeans the sale’s gal said make me look “yummy.” What wasn’t yummy was the price--$257!

-A bickering couple will always have the good part of their fight too far away for you to enjoy it. #MallLaw

-Heading to the airport. Going with Boyfriend to visit his parents up in SF. Oh, and I feel crampy. Let the oversharing begin.

September 17:

-Boyfriend’s dad likes to take in the view of San Francisco across the bay while giving it a view of his own peninsula.

-There is the good side and the best side of Belvedere. Boyfriend’s parents live on the side that makes those on the good side jealous.

-Getting the feeling that Boyfriend’s dad thinks I’m responsible for his son’s screenplay writing dreams. #FalselyAccused.

-It's so quiet in Marin/Belvedere, I can hear the silence. It's driving me crazy, but I'm trying to be quiet about it. #goodmanners

September 18:

-Overheard Boyfriend’s dad talking smack about me in the kitchen. Waited a second before I walked in. He offered me a coffee, but not a bagel.

-Trying my very best to ignore the huge wad of tension that’s bouncing around between me, Boyfriend’s dad and Boyfriend and his dad.

-Ever been out to eat and had your meal ruined by people arguing at another table? I now know what it's like to sit at that table.

-Boyfriend says he’s never speaking to his dad again. This would be a bigger deal if his dad hadn’t said it first.

-Leaving San Francisco without actually getting to visit it, but I'll always remember Boyfriend’s dad’s peninsula in all its glory.

September 19:

-At least Boss is happy that I’m back early from SF. Working for him this week and grateful for the distraction. And, of course, the money.

-Boss and Wifey are still trying to get in the family way. After the family I hung out with this weekend, I’m not so sure it's a good idea.

-Boyfriend's dad thinks I'm a bad influence. Considering I avoid Boyfriend as much as possible, not sure how I this can be true.

-Haven’t heard from Boyfriend. Guess he’s busy doing whatever he has to do. Good for him. If he does call, I'm busy, too. Very busy. Yeah.

-Sluthammer asked about my trip to SF. Told her it was okay and she immediately knew it wasn't. That girl has a 6th sense about this stuff.

September 20:

-I’ve realized what I don’t like about Beverly Hills—and it’s not the parking meters that only take credit cards—it’s the people.

-When did sperm counts, basal body temperature and cervical mucus become accepted topics of lunchtime conversations? Oh, wait, they haven’t.

-Shopping with Handy to help him spruce up his place for the arrival of his wife. She finally got her visa. He’s very happy.

-Sluthammer wants to know what’s going on with Boyfriend. I'll tell her when I find out for myself. Maybe. Is that my phone? Nope. Whatever.

September 21:

-My grandma is hooking up with the geezer from 101C. Not as grossed out about this news as I thought I’d be.

-Sluthammer says she’d move in with MoneyBags if he asked. First he has to ask his wife if it’s ok for him to move in with Sluthammer.

-Grandma asked me to buy her some jimmies and “that lube that heats up.” Now I’m grossed out…and kind of jealous.

-Boyfriend just called. He’s coming over. I’ve been living like I don’t have a boyfriend and now need to shave lots of things very quickly.