The Boy I Love (46 page)

He was expecting Eddie home for Christmas and intended to keep him well away from that boy he thought he was in love with. Love! He was so bitter and angry with poor Jeremy for no good reason.
He knew he was being illogical, and he even felt remorse at the pain he must be causing the boy by not allowing him to see Eddie. But he also felt repelled by him, by them both, for their obvious
passion and pleasure with each other. Not his son! How did it happen? He could see the hatred and loathing in his wife’s eyes and he knew she blamed him for everything. But then had he not
been similarly overwhelmed with a passion for Giles? Did he not support being gay? It was no longer against the law. Society recognized it as acceptable now. Why did he feel this guilt? He must
stand proud and face the world for himself, for his son. But in his heart he knew he was weak and that his life would be a hell on earth if he admitted his sexuality. Tanya had promised to stand by
him for Eddie and Tilly’s sake, but only if he never saw Giles again, or engaged in any extra-curricular activity. They would live the lie to the end and if, God forbid, Eddie’s
‘illness’ should develop, then it was to be known as cancer and left at that.

If Eddie died . . .

‘I have had a postcard from Eddie!’ Jeremy was beside himself with delight when he cornered Sally early one morning. ‘He has been in New York but gets back
this weekend and wants to meet. Oh my God, I am so happy, Sally. I am so sorry I have been such a pain, and I promise I will make it up to you guys and give the performance of my life for you all.
Old Badger will rise up and strike the Wild Wood!’ He gave Sally a big kiss and skipped off to the dressing rooms.

Thank goodness, thought Sally. The euphoria may not last when reality sets in, but at least if it gets us through the play, that is something to be thankful for at least. And maybe the Christmas
spirit will imbue us all with a little hope.

Christmas was bearing down upon them fast and the cast were becoming quite demob-happy. All the dressing rooms were festooned with paperchains and tinsel. Even Sarah had put some holly round her
mirror and was hanging silver balls along the edge when Sally came into the dressing room one morning. The two girls were not exactly enemies but not friends either, but Sally had decided that
Sarah had her feet under the table and if Sally wanted certain parts after Christmas she needed to stake her claim.

‘Morning, Sarah, that looks very festive,’ she smiled her greeting.

‘Thank you,’ replied Sarah, standing up and turning to face Sally. ‘How are you finding life on the water bank? I must say, all of you have really taken to your
characters.’

‘Oh, we love it! Ratty was always my favourite as a child. Actually, Sarah, I have been meaning to ask you about the next couple of plays after Christmas. Will you be directing
them?’

‘Yes I will, as a matter of fact. Giles, as you know, has a lot on his plate with
Hamlet
so he asked me to take over. As you can imagine, I am thrilled. It is what I have always
wanted to do.’ Sarah said this as though in answer to any questions anyone might have had who was in doubt as to her intentions from the beginning of the season.

Sally nodded in agreement. ‘Oh yes, that is obvious from the work you have done so far. So that’s great then, you have your heart’s desire, lucky you.’ She couldn’t
help her last comment and it was out before she could stop it.

‘It is not all luck, you know.’ Sarah’s answer was sharp. ‘You have to fight sometimes for what you want. I take it you have not found
your
heart’s desire,
Sally. But have you really worked out exactly what that is yet?’

Sally began to feel uncomfortable. What did this woman want from her? It was really none of her business what her heart’s desire was anyway. Deciding to change the subject, she put on a
big cheesy grin and said, ‘I would love to play Sandy in
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie
. I take it Charmaine will be playing Jean Brodie? I would also love to play the lead in
The
Boyfriend
. I am very committed to this season at Crewe, Sarah, and feel quite strongly that I can bring a good deal to the productions as an actress and a company member.’

Sarah watched her without any expression. She was giving nothing away.

‘Well, it is good to know where you stand, and I am glad to see you still have ambition after the ups and downs so far. What about Dora? She is very popular with the audiences and very
keen to make her mark.’ Sarah could not resist throwing a small spanner into the works.

‘Absolutely right,’ agreed Sally, refusing to be drawn. ‘There are certain roles she will be perfect for in the coming plays. However, she still has to get more experience
before she can take responsibility for a leading role. But that is just my opinion,’ she added with her most charming smile. ‘Well, I had better get going or there will be no props
ready for the dress rehearsal. See you later.’

Sally breathed a sigh of relief as she went down the stairs. Sarah was tricky, there was no doubt about it, and she really kept her cards close to her chest. But Sally was determined not to be
put off. She had had a shitty time since Rupert left, and the only good thing was, they had all been so busy she had had little time to feel sorry for herself. But every now and then she thought
about their night together and her stomach tied in knots. He had sent her a card from LA saying he was having a wonderful time. There was no mention of Isabelle, but why would he be that cruel to
her? She was not a fool, and just wished he would leave her alone now. She could never be friends after what had happened, and she certainly did not want to understudy in
Hamlet
in the West
End. That really would be going nowhere fast. The lowest of the low, watching
his
star ascend to great heights. They had asked Jeremy to go, and that was quite right. His Laertes was a
brilliant piece of work. Sally was so happy for him, and hoped it would make up a little for his problems. He was still very quiet and withdrawn, and she spent any spare time she had keeping an eye
on him and trying to raise his spirits.

Sally was concentrating on making
Toad of Toad Hall
a huge success, and she was looking forward to going home for Christmas Day. She was also hoping to catch a few moments with Mack.
Everything that had happened with Rupert had rather taken over her thoughts . . . but Sally still needed to resolve her feelings about Mack. Somehow, he represented another way of life. But was
that what she wanted? There was so much going on around her that was affecting her in so many different ways . . . and it was difficult to put it all together. She was longing to see her parents
and just bask in their warmth and security.

Sally had managed to get gifts in between rehearsals and prop-collecting, and tonight she sat in the flat in front of the fire and played Christmas carols on the radio while she wrapped them all
up. Dora had come home one night from the pub and interrupted her reverie.

‘Oh my God, sis, don’t tell me you have done all your presents already? What are you like?’ She had slumped down onto the sofa, squashing some Christmas paper and decorations
as she did so.

‘Oh, for goodness sake, Dora, look what you are doing! Get up – you have wrecked my wrapping stuff. Come on, please, move your fat arse.’

‘Excuse
me
,’ huffed Dora, dragging herself off the sofa. ‘I do not have a fat arse, if you don’t mind. Oh come on, Sally, chill out a bit. You are no fun these
days. Still pining for Rupie? Let’s face it – that was never going anywhere.’

Sally refused to rise to the bait. She was just too tired and fed up with everything. She and Dora did nothing but bicker these days, and Sally was hoping that on Christmas Day they could keep
it pleasant for their parents’ sake.

‘Have you heard from the casting woman at
Coronation Street
yet?’ she asked, changing the subject.

Dora let out a scream of delight. ‘Oh shit, yes! How could I forget to tell you? I have got an audition for a character in
Corrie
– a possible regular character. Can you
believe it?’ Dora was now jumping up and down, dangerously close to Sally’s wrapped gifts.

‘Hey, that is wonderful news, but please mind my parcels. Sit down over there, can’t you, there’s a good girl.’ Dora actually did as she was told, and sat in the chair
hugging herself. ‘I can’t believe it, but it would be so amazing if I got it. I go next week. What a Christmas present that would be, wouldn’t it?’

Sally went and gave her sister a hug. ‘I am really happy for you. Good luck.’ She then went to the kitchen and started to make some hot chocolate.

Dora stood in the doorway and watched her. ‘Are you really pleased for me?’ she asked.

Sally looked at her. ‘Yes, of course I am. Why do you ask?’

‘Oh, I don’t know. These days I just seem to annoy you all the time, and things have not been going very well for you, have they? Did that agent ever get in touch, by the
way?’

Sally concentrated hard on the hot milk. ‘No, he didn’t, but to be honest I didn’t expect him to really. I was not his type of actress. He has offered Jeremy a contract, did
you know? I think that is great news – just what Jeremy needs at the moment.’ She forced a bright smile in Dora’s direction and poured out the drinks, adding, ‘Don’t
you worry about me, Dora, I will soon be catching you up. Think hare and tortoise.’

They laughed and said good night and each went to her own room.

Sally undressed, desperately trying to keep all thoughts of agents and jobs at bay. She did not want to think about any of that for the time being. She had received the letter from the agent
Peter Stone with resignation. She had known it would be a no. She had not even expected him to contact her, and when she had had a moment of daring and decided to write to him, she couldn’t
find his card. Last time she had seen it was on the kitchen table, the night they had all met. So when she couldn’t find it she took it as a sign it was not to be and let it go. She had been
thrilled for Jeremy and decided she would tackle the whole agent thing after Christmas. If she got a couple of good parts she would write to various theatres and casting directors and agents, and
take it from there. For now she just wanted to go home and sit in front of the familiar Christmas tree and pretend she was ten years old again.

Giles scanned the room but could see no sign of Edward. Why would he? This was a crematorium in North London and Giles was here out of respect for his ex-lover and friend,
Robert Johnson. Why the hell did he think Edward would be there? He shivered and pulled his scarf tighter round his face. It was a bitterly cold day, bleak and depressing, with a sky full of
rolling black clouds. They seemed angry. Was that in support of the man lying in the coffin in front of them? Was Robert’s anger creating this dark presence around them?

There were only a handful of people sitting there, and Giles did not know any of them, although he vaguely recognized a counsellor from the Terence Higgins Trust who gave him a nod. Please let
it be over! Giles could not stop shaking and he knew it was not just the cold. These last few weeks had seemed a lifetime. A lifetime spent surrounded by unhappiness and betrayal. He just wanted to
get through this. He would survive, of that he had no doubt. There was a tiny part of Giles that he never gave away to anyone, not even Teddie. Call it hope or ego or just plain self-preservation,
but this tiny part of him was the spark that kept him going. He would rise up again from the ashes. Ashes – Christ, now was not the time to bring up ashes. The director of the funeral parlour
had contacted him and suggested that he, Giles, might like to take Robert’s ashes. Not in a million years! There did not seem to be any relatives until today, when apparently, a distant
cousin had turned up and was happy to take the urn. She was a thin, grey little woman sitting at the back. Giles wondered if he should speak to her and offer his condolences. But what would be the
point?

Poor Robert, he had been so flamboyant when he first arrived at the theatre. His particular sense of humour had appealed to Giles, the cutting, slightly sarcastic comments he would make about
people. But their union had been awkward from the start and Giles had always had the feeling that Robert had another agenda. He was a closed book as far as his emotions were concerned. But then
Teddie and Giles had become close once more, and these last six months had been the happiest time of his life. To have a partner to share things with and a job that he adored made for the perfect
life. He knew he would never be able to find that again. He had to face the production of
Hamlet
on his own and he was not sure he had it in him any more. Large tears were rolling down his
cheeks and Giles hastily wiped them away. He wanted to leave, but the service, such as it was, had begun. Someone sat down next to him and his heart sank. Who would sit down next to a total
stranger when there were plenty of empty pews? He tried to shift away but that someone grabbed his arm.