The Book of the Unnamed Midwife (35 page)

Why steal men these days? Men = dime a dozen.

They always were.

* * * * *

Fuck, Jodi. I’m sorry.

The snow stopped and rain took its place. Downpour washed away the white and dripped off every edge of the house. A small leak started in the kitchen and Honus patched it with plastic as best he could. They still had to keep a pan in the place where it dripped.

Jodi came back slowly, but preferred to watch her movies all day. She didn’t want to speak or eat with them. She put up with small hugs from Honus, but she would not allow Dusty to touch her. Her eyes were large with dark circles beneath and she grew thinner by the day. She did not get out of bed.

Dusty and Honus lay in her bed one night listening to the rain pattering on the roof. Some nights it was loud, like living inside a drum. Tonight it was milder, but enough that they couldn’t sleep. She had fucked him four times, each time thinking he would wear out and fall asleep. He didn’t.

“What’s going to happen?”

“Happen to what, Honus?”

“To us. To you and me and Jodi and everybody in the world. What are we going to do?”

“I’m going to move on in the spring to somewhere I can settle down permanently. Somewhere safe with less snow and maybe where I can grow things. You two will probably go back to Huntsville, since it’s what you know.”

“So that’s it, then?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You won’t stay with me? We could be married. All three of us.”

“Oh god.”

“What? It’s not that bad. I love you, you know.”

“I know.”

“That’s it?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Say that you love me too, Dusty. Jeez. I know you do. You wouldn’t be with me like this if you didn’t.”

She stared at the ceiling. She thought about Jack, who she had loved. The way they had treated each other, how they had known each other. This was not that.

“Well?”

“You don’t even know my name. Look, you love Jodi. You two can have a life together. We… all three of us, we got stuck together. If things hadn’t happened this way, we probably never would have met.”

“But we did meet. I believe that God sent Jodi to you for a reason.”

She sighed. “Maybe I kept her from dying in childbirth. Maybe. But your reasoning sucks. God killed most of the people on Earth with a plague so that we could have all this? God sent you here to sleep with me and ruin your marriage? God set you up to burn the body of your first child?”

He didn’t answer.

“Not everything has a meaning. Maybe there is no plan. Maybe there’s no reason we met, and we’re fucking because we were both really frustrated and lonely.”

“I can’t believe you think that way.”

“I can’t believe you still think there’s a plan.”

“So what if you get pregnant? We’ve been making love for a while, without any… protection.”

She got up off the bed and grabbed her old pack. She ripped it open to show him her cache of pills and rings and patches.

“This is my plan. This is what makes sense to me. Not dying while giving birth to a dead baby. I’m going to try and give them to your wife before I leave, because without someone to attend her, she might not get through this again. So there is no ‘what if.’ Don’t worry about it. What you need to worry about is that your wife may be the only woman in the county or in the state after I leave. That should worry you.”

“What do you think will happen? Someone will—“

“Kill you. Rape her. Maybe make you watch. Maybe you’ll go back to Huntsville and you’ll have an accident so that someone else can marry her. I’ve seen what it’s like out there. As long as you’ve got her, you’ve got trouble.”

“Then you’re in just as much danger. Why not stay and let me—“

“Let you protect me. While your wife hates my guts because I let her baby die and then fucked her husband. That sounds grand, when do we start?”

“Why are you being like this?”

“I don’t belong here. I can’t stay. Just please let this be what it is. Don’t try to make it last forever.”

They lay and the sound of the rain talked over them.

“What is your real name?”

“What did you name the baby?”

Honus got up and left.

January 10

Want to leave in the middle of the night without a word. Don’t owe anything. Not even an explanation. Want to run the fuck away from all of this. From everything. Toward nothing. Where do I go? For what, to who? Honus isn’t an answer, this doesn’t fix anything. Honus = placebo.

Grow carrots. Eat carrots. Shit carrots. Die. That’s the best thing I can imagine. And the last generation of humanity winds down to zero. Got into the wrong business after graduation. Profession is doomed.

Can’t leave without a word. Can’t leave them raw like Roxanne left me. Can’t be a mystery like Jack is a mystery. Make them hate me, or leave with grace. Hate is easier.

Get her to take the shot. Give her enough to share. Tell her not to give it to that Patty kid until menarche. Not sure she can handle it, or will do it at all. Have to try. Prolong life preserve quality of life fight for life FOR WHAT FOR WHAT FOR WHAT

If I do it now, there won’t be any snow to show it. Get away from the house, let the rain wash me away. They’d never find me. Leave without my pack and they’ll know. Leave with only the gun and they’ll know. Do it with a needle and they might not know. No. No. No.

Not gonna do it. Can’t come up with a good reason except the awful fucking awful way I feel, but not gonna do it. Fuck a reason why. There never was a reason why. Making copies is not a reason why. Now until the end is mine, and I won’t spend it in misery/boredom/terror.

Gonna leave. Soon. But won’t punish them with it. Don’t deserve that.

* * * * *

Dusty woke up in the morning and the two of them were crying in Jodi’s room together. She walked to the door. It was open, but she stood in the doorway without entering.

They sat together on Jodi’s bed, sobbing. It took them a while to notice her. Honus stood up when he did, rubbing his hands on the legs of his pants.

“She had a nightmare.”

Dusty nodded. Jodi looked like she’d been crying all night, but she looked alive. Alert.

“Do you want to try and eat something?”

Jodi nodded, but she did not look up.

Dusty walked away to the kitchen. She was planning to carry the plates back to the bedroom but Jodi and Honus came quietly to the kitchen table. Dusty made them powdered milk to drink and sat down with her solitary cup of coffee, eyeing them both with a weary dread.

Jodi drank milk and ate a forkful of egg. Honus cleaned his plate as always.

“So, did you decide to live?”

Jodi looked up. “What?”

Dusty was not in the mood to talk at the speed she normally set for conversations with Jodi.

“Did you decide to live instead of dying slowly in that bed? Are you going to live, or are you just going to have breakfast before you die?”

“It’s not like a decision. I’m just alive. I didn’t decide anything.”

“Bullshit.” She drank her coffee.

Stubbornly, Jodi ate another forkful of egg.

Honus cleared his throat and pushed his plate away. “Jodi… we both think we should go back to Huntsville. Not now, when she’s stronger. I’m going to look around for a car, but we might end up having to walk.

Dusty nodded. It was what she predicted they’d do.

“You could come with us…” Honus looked at Dusty and she couldn’t look away.

“Go on.”

“You’d be welcome in Huntsville. You’d…we’d have to tell them… You couldn’t fool them forever.”

“Mhmm. And then I entertain suitors.”

“The bishop would…”

Dusty started to laugh. “Show me where to get my white dress. I can’t wait.”

“What are you going to do, Dusty? Where are you going to go?”

“Not Huntsville.” She sipped her coffee.

“Can’t you just…” Honus was not crying yet, but she could see it coming.

I can’t and you can’t. Jodi needs you and I don’t. Get the hint, Honus.

“I had a nightmare.” Jodi was staring at the middle of the table, at nothing. “I had a nightmare about the two of you. Honus was cheating on me with you. Isn’t that weird?”

“That’s really weird, Jodi. Why do you think you dreamt that?”

Honus’ face had lost all its color. He sat rigidly in place and did not speak.

“I guess I had been thinking about the baby for so long—“ Her voice caught on the word ‘baby,’ but she pushed through it. “That I forgot I have a husband. And I love him, and he needs my attention. You know?”

“Yes, that makes sense.” She was cold. Completely cold, in her veins and in her heart there was nothing but cold, cold water.

“Like, I know it would never really happen because you’re gay and stuff.”

“Am I now?”

Jodi ignored her. “But still, I woke up really mad. Like really mad. So I woke up Honus and told him we had to move on. Try again.”

“Try again?”

“Once I’ve healed. We can try again to have a baby.”

“I see.” Dusty drained her coffee cup. “I have a counter-offer. I have drugs that will help you—“

“No. I’m not going to take birth control in this world. This world needs babies more than it needs anything else.”

“I can give it to you. In case you change your mind.”