The Book of the Unnamed Midwife (29 page)

“Yes,” she said cautiously. “A lot did.”

“Were they already sick?”

She sighed. “Some were. Some seemed to get sick all of a sudden. What I remember of that time is horror, and I don’t know if the plague is even still active anywhere.”

Honus ate another cracker. Dusty cracked open a soda.

“So, your partner. Like your partner at the hospital, or…?

“My boyfriend, but that word always made me feel like I was in high school again. We lived together, we were partners.”

“Oh. Was he a doctor?”

“Clinical pathologist. More of a lab guy than a sawbones. But yes, a doctor.”

“Wow. He must have been smart.”

“He was. He is. If he’s still alive, he is.”

“How did you guys lose each other?”

“I got sick. When I got better, he was gone. He probably thought I would die, I thought I was dying. I don’t blame him for taking off. I hope he made it to somewhere better.”

“Don’t you think of finding him? Don’t you miss him?”

“Of course I miss him!” She said it a little too sharply. She softened. “I miss him a lot. I miss a lot of people. I had to leave the city, and there’s almost no way to find anyone. I don’t know how I would even begin to try. What we have now is living, and a way to keep on living. That’s it.”

“We have more than that. We have the future. Like my son.”

He’s talking to himself. Repeating his catechism. Not my job to confirm him. Still.

She couldn’t look at him. “I really hope you do. For both of you. I really want this birth to go smoothly and the baby to be ok. But you have to be prepared for the possibility that it won’t.”

“Have you delivered a baby since…”

“Not since the hospital, no. But I heard from a woman who did. It wasn’t a good day.”

Honus did not ask for details.

Dusty got up and went to a counter on the other side and brought back a couple of Cokes.

“So how did you know you wanted to marry Jodi?”

Honus grinned. “She was just so cute. She was always hanging around, going to my games. I knew she liked me.”

Dusty tried not to sound disappointed. “So, do you guys have much in common?”

“Dusty, I know what you’re getting at. My dad asked me the same question. Jodi is very childlike. She’s simple. But she’s really kind and sweet. And she’ll make a great mother.”

Dusty nodded and drank her coke.

“Did you ever want to marry Jack?”

She shook her head. “We weren’t big fans of the institution. I found it oppressive, he found it archaic. Plus, so many of our friends couldn’t get married until the laws changed that for a long time it just felt like a farce.”

“Oh. Oh. But don’t you want to have kids?”

Dusty shrugged. “I caught kids for a living. I got the miracle of life on a daily basis. That was enough.”

“But it’s not the same as having kids of your own,” he protested.

“No, it isn’t.”

“Do you ever want to have kids?”

She looked at him levelly. He did not intend to be cruel. No one who presses this question does, it’s just something they desperately need to nail down about you. To know, and put you down as normal or abnormal.

He waited.

“Let’s wait and see how Jodi’s birth goes. Let’s see if anyone survives childbirth ever again. OK?”

Honus looked at his lap. After a while, he spoke again.

“Is your name really Dusty?”

That surprised her.

“You told the ward that your name was Dusty, because you were pretending to be a man. But Dusty can be a girl’s name. I just… I don’t think it’s your real name. Am I right?”

“No. Yes, I mean you’re right. Dusty’s not my name.”

“So what is your name?”

She felt it again, that same tug of meaning, of power attached to her real name. She could give him another fake, but that would only complicate things with Jodi. She looked at him and felt drawn in, felt the ghost of their bodies pressed together on the ride into town.

“Dusty is fine for now.”

He smiled. “I bet I can guess it.”

“I bet you can’t. Help me cut open this gate.”

They dusted the crumbs off their hands and she showed him the bookstore that had locked down. They searched for bolt cutters but didn’t find them. He was sorry, she was disappointed. They laid down in their huge beanbags to sleep.

They pulled their bags close, but not close enough to touch.

“Dusty?”

“Yeah.”

“What do you miss most?”

She thought for a minute. “People or stuff?”

“People are the obvious answer. What stuff do you miss?”

“The internet. I was a junkie. The sound of traffic. The feeling of safety. What do you miss?”

“Ice cream. I want to find and ice cream maker. Also my mom’s dryer, with warm soft clothes to put on. Jodi does her best, but…”

“Yeah, it’s not the same. You know what I’ve been thinking about?”

“What?”

“In a few years, we’ll use up all the gas. And the coffee. And the pineapple and chocolate and coconut and all the other shit we brought in from other countries. I’ll probably never eat a banana again.”

“Jeez, no bananas.” He sounded mournful.

“Yeah. I’m gonna miss that.”

“Baby food bananas are pretty good. You guys will have to raid it. Might as well give the kid a taste of the lost world before it’s gone forever.”

Honus didn’t say anymore. Dusty reached out, but her fingers found nothing. They slept.

* * * * *

Out in the lost world were hundreds of soldiers who had been sent abroad before the end of it all and could not be brought home. In the wilds of Afghanistan and the ancient cities of Iraq, they were making their way. At bases in Europe, they were holding their ground against the locals only by firepower. When that ran out, they would be taken. Peace corps kids in Africa realized they could not swim home, would never see home again. Tourists all over Asia, the Caribbean, stranded in airports, forgotten in consulates lived long enough to face the terror of permanence in strange lands. Cruise ships drifted full of plague dead, a few unlucky souls left alive on some.

Choices made in the final months and weeks of the lost world determined where so many would be marooned. Unfamiliar surroundings contributed to the body count, and the number of people on Earth got smaller and smaller.

In the morning, they tackled the snowmobile again. They got it righted and brought the gas in so they could drive it out the door. It was a newer model than Honus’ with all the bells and whistles that the store wanted to show off. Dusty thought she’d have to get used to it, but that it would probably be pretty fun after that.

They had found everything they wanted and more before noon. They sat and ate jerky and salty snacks and dried fruit, sitting on their beanbags.

“So, can I ask you something kind of personal?”

“Sure,” Honus said. His face was like an open book.

“Why aren’t you and Jodi sharing a bedroom?”

“Oh, that.” He reddened. “I was wanting to ask you about that anyway. Jodi thinks that us being… together might hurt the baby.”

“Oh is that all? I can tell her that it won’t. It’s totally ok.”

“Ok, that might help. But still…”

“Still what?”

“Jodi’s… she’s not very… she’s never really… enjoyed…” Honus’ face was nearly purple.

“She’s not into sex? It’s ok, Honus. I’ve been a nurse for a long time, mostly in women’s health. There might be an issue that makes it painful for her. Or maybe she’s just shy about it because of her upbringing.”

“The church teaches us that it’s a beautiful, sacred part of marriage and it brings us closer even as it brings us children. I don’t think it’s that.”

“Ok,” Dusty said doubtfully. “Does she complain that it’s painful?”

“No, not since the first couple of times. I was really gentle, but…” He trailed off.

“Right. And since then?”

“She says she just doesn’t feel anything. She’s not very… enthusiastic.”

Dusty could see that his embarrassment about this was going to be the main barrier to understanding.

 
“Have you two tried changing positions, or trying… alternate sex acts?”

“Like what?”

She took a deep breath. “Have you tried stimulating your wife orally? Or with your fingers? Women’s orgasms are very different from men’s. Do you know how she masturbates?”

“Oh, she’s never done that.”

“Don’t be too sure.”

“No, I asked her. I wanted to know how I could… you know, make her happy. She said she had no idea, because she had never had one before.”

“So maybe you should offer to help her.” Dusty felt a small smile starting at the corners of her lips. His face read that this was all very naughty, very far past the line of propriety.

“I… I already kind of suggested that. She was pretty grossed out. I don’t know if it’s just the pregnancy, but… yeah. She’s just not interested.”

“Well, she might just not have much of a sex drive. That happens sometimes, and it’s normal. But I think it’s more likely that she just hasn’t discovered what turns her on. You might have to seduce her.”

“What? How do I seduce her? She’s already my wife.”

“Lots of foreplay, lots of touching. Deep kissing. Nipple play. If she’s not comfortable with you touching her clitoris, maybe you could find a small battery-powered vibrator. Now there’s an endangered species. But it might be enough to get her started. There’s a store upstairs that has them.”