The Book of Great Funny One-Liners (10 page)

A survey revealed that 96% of Americans believe in a God. 90% pray regularly. 71% believe in an afterlife and 41% attend church once a week. Another poll found that 3% believe they are God.

James Adams, American theologian

Being a Catholic doesn’t stop you from sinning. It just stops you from enjoying it.

Cleveland Amory, American writer

Methodism is not really a religion. It’s just a sort of insurance policy in case there turns out not to be a God.

Peter Barr, Australian barrister

A Christian is one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbours.

Ambrose Bierce, American writer

What a pity that Noah and his party didn’t miss the boat.

Mark Twain, American writer

A Calvinistic Presbyterian believes that all Catholics will be damned because they are predestined to be damned; an ordinary Presbyterian believes that all Catholics will be damned on their merits.

John Bartley, American cinematographer

His was the sort of career that made the Recording Angel think seriously about taking shorthand.

Nicholas Bentley, British writer

God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness shows through.

Paul Valéry, French essayist

It is the function of vice to keep virtue within reasonable bounds.

British writer Samuel Butler

If Dorothy Johnson doesn’t know as much as God, she most certainly knows as much as He did at her age.

Ilka Chase, American actor

The one thing father always gave up for Lent was going to church.

Clarence Day, American writer

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

George Deacon, British oceanographer

A 62-year-old friend of mine went to bed at night and prayed, ‘Please, God, give me skin like a teenager’s.’ Next day, she woke up with acne.

Phyllis Diller, American comedian

It is no accident that the symbol of a bishop is a crook and the symbol of an archbishop is a double-cross.

Gregory Dix, British monk

Almost all religions agree that God is fond of music, sometimes dancing and always of processions.

Robert Morely, British actor

An Anglican clergyman is invisible 6 days a week and incomprehensible on the 7th.

Dean Inge, British clergyman

Lutherans are like Scottish people, only with less frivolity.

Garrison Keillor, American humorist

The most scandalous charges against the Pope were suppressed. His Holiness was accused only of piracy, rape, murder, sodomy and incest.

Edward Gibbon on Pope John XXII

There are three sorts of country parson in my diocese. Those who have gone out of their minds. Those who are going out of their minds. And those who have no minds to go out of.

Edward King, British cleric

Woody Allen has the sort of face that convinces you that God is a cartoonist.

Jack Kroll, American critic

Lest O Lord this prayer be too obscure, permit thy servant to illustrate it with an anecdote.

Allan Laing, British magistrate

Walking in a churchyard I have often asked myself, ‘Where are all the bad people buried?’

Charles Lamb, English essayist

I am half-Catholic and half-Jewish. When I go to confession, I bring my lawyer with me.

Ed Mann, American dramatist

The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle—unless you die of something.

Steve Martin, American comedian

Metaphysics is an attempt to prove the incredible by an appeal to the unintelligible.

H.L. Mencken, American journalist and political commentator

Almost all religions agree that God is fond of music, sometimes dancing and always of processions.

Robert Morely, British actor

There is nothing so stupid as an educated man, if you get him off the thing he was educated in.

Will Rogers, American humorist

I once asked a man what he thought would happen to him after he died. He replied that he believed he would inherit eternal bliss, but didn’t want to talk about such unpleasant subjects.

F.W. Myers, American businessman

One goldfish told another that he intended to become an atheist. ‘Don’t be crazy,’ the other goldfish replied. ‘Of course there’s a God. Who do you think changes the water every day?’

Richard Needham, British politician

I’d love to see Christ come back to crush the spirit of hate and make men put down their guns. I’d also like just one more hit single.

Tiny Tim, American musician

If I ever come face to face with my maker I shall say ‘God why did you make the evidence for your existence so insufficient?’

Bertrand Russell, British economist

I have to believe in the Apostolic Succession. There is no other way of explaining the descent of the Bishop of Exeter from Judas Iscariot.

Sydney Smith, British cleryman

In the beginning there was nothing and God said, ‘Let there be light!’ and there was still nothing, but everyone could see it.

Dave Thomas

Every human being commits 630,720,000 sins by the age of 30.

Augustus Toplady, Anglican clergyman

The primary function of a priest is to keep his congregation awake.

Peter Ustinov, British comedian and actor

You have no idea how much nastier I would be if I were not a Catholic. Without supernatural aid I would hardly be a human being.

Evelyn Waugh, British writer

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Rita Rudner, American comedian

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

H.G. Wells, British writer

I don’t know if God exists, but it would be better for his reputation if he didn’t.

Jules Renard, Fench writer

I read The Book of Job last night. I don’t think that God comes well out of it.

Virginia Woolf, British author

One half of the world does not believe in God, and the other half does not believe in me.

Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit

Our family was so poor we used to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken and lick other people’s fingers.

Lenny Banks, American humorist

Our terraced house was so small the mice walked about on their hind legs.

Les Dawson, British comedian

Most human problems can be solved by an appropriate charge of high explosive.

Blaster Bates, British demolitionist

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing when you’re really thinking about a mother.

Cliff Claven, American humorist

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Albert Einstein, German physicist

We must believe in luck, for how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?

Jean Cocteau, French film-maker

They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.

Malcolm Crowley

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Albert Einstein, German physicist

Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It’s like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: ‘Because of my mother’.

Robin Greenspan, American actor

I performed badly in the Civil Service examinations because evidently I knew more about economics than my examiners.

J.M. Keynes, British Economist

Juries scare me. I don’t want to put my faith in people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Monica Piper

When guests stay too long, treat them like the rest of the family. If they don’t leave then, they never will.

Martin Ragaway, American screenwriter

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Jules Renard, French writer

The efficacy of our criminal jury system is marred only by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who do not know anything and cannot read.

Mark Twain, American writer

This year one third of the nation will be ill-nourished, ill-housed and ill-clad. Only they call it summer vacation.

Joseph Salak, American writer

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Jonathan Winters, American comedian

You know when you put a stick in the water and it looks like it’s bent but it really isn’t? That’s why I don’t take baths.

Steven Wright, American comedian

Life is anything that dies when you stamp on it.

Dave Barry, American author and humorist

Epitaph for a Hollywood actress: She Sleeps Alone At Last.

Robert Benchley, American humorist

Everyone seems to fear dying alone and I have never understood this point of view. Who wants to die and be polite at the same time?

Quentin Crisp, British writer and ‘Great Stately British Homo’

The great comfort of turning 49 is the realisation that you are now too old to die young.

Paul Dickson

I laid my wife

Beneath this stone

For her repose

And for my own

Chief Ottawa, American tribal chief

If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields, American actress

Life is anything that dies when you stamp on it.

Dave Barry, American author and humorist

If ghosts can walk through walls, how come they don’t fall through the floor?

Steven Wright, American comedian

If this is dying, then I don’t think much of it.

British writer Lytton Strachey, who died on 31 January 1931 from the effects of undiagnosed stomach cancer.