The Book of Bloke

What is a Bloke?

What is a Bloke? This is the question that has occupied the greatest minds of the anthropological and sociological worlds for many years. Not in a literal sense, of course, at the base level, the definition of a Bloke is perfectly clear: a Bloke is a human male native to Australia, typically between 150 and 200 centimetres tall, frequently partial to beer and ventilated footwear, who has built a mighty nation from the scraps of colonialism and inappropriate farming practices. That much is obvious.

Writer and comedian Ben Pobjie examines the different types of Bloke in Australia today, giving the reader a unique and expert insight into Blokedom. What makes a Bloke tick? What do Blokes like to do? Where do they go? These questions and more are answered in this hilarious and irreverent book.

What is a Bloke? This is the question that has occupied the greatest minds of the anthropological and sociological worlds for many years. Not in a literal sense, of course; at the base level, the definition of a Bloke is perfectly clear: a Bloke is a human male native to Australia, typically between 150 and 200 centimetres tall, frequently partial to beer and ventilated footwear, who has built a mighty nation from the scraps of colonialism and inappropriate farming practices. That much is obvious. But there is a much deeper sense in which Blokedom is a mystery: the lives, habits and proclivities of the Bloke remain a closed book to many of us who might pass Blokes in the street every day without ever really discovering what makes them tick.

And it is that very thing, the cause of their ticking, that has provoked the writing of this book. It aims to act as watchmaker in the matter of Bloke-ticking-source-identification. For too long we have walked among Blokes, shaken their hands, rented trailers from them, stood beside them at sporting and musical events, and occasionally engaged in the reproductive act with them – but so rarely do we ever come to understand them.

What’s more, we are raising a generation of Australians who would struggle to even correctly identify the Blokes they do encounter – so many people nowadays can’t even tell a Bogan from a Fauxke, or a Rightoid from a Veteran – and this seems a great shame. The richness of the Bloke kingdom, the breadth and beauty of Bloke culture, are worth knowing about and celebrating. Blokes are an integral part of the fabric of our country, and will be for many centuries to come; it’s vital that we understand them if we are to maintain a modern, vibrant society in today’s harsh economic, politically-correct times. Hopefully, this book will go some way to fostering that understanding, and promoting the cause of integration and harmony between Blokes and non-Blokes (or Normals).

It is uncertain how far back the history of the Bloke goes. There are those who claim that the arrival of the First Fleet in 1788 also marked the arrival of the First Bloke; others maintain that the first settlers to arrive in this country were not true Blokes, but merely transplanted Chaps who do not fulfil the necessary requirements for actual Blokehood. Still others take the middle view that, although the émigrés of 1788 were not genuine Blokes, they qualify as proto-Blokes: the common ancestor from which all modern Blokes evolved. In the pickpockets and redcoats of that first settlement, can we see shades of today’s Bogans and Snags? Did an early convict build a wagon, thus kicking off the modern Bloke’s relationship with the automobile? Did the governor’s butler nibble on a stick of celery and lay the foundation of today’s Vegan Leftite? Who knows?

What can be said with certainty is that by the Rum Rebellion of the early nineteenth century, Blokes were definitely prevalent. The hard-drinking soldiers who overthrew the governorship of William Bligh were definitely fully-fledged Blokes – the rate at which they put away the rum, and their love of sudden, unpredictable violence testify to that. On the other hand, Bligh was most definitely
not
a Bloke – or if he was, he was a total wanker.

From that point on, Blokes played a crucial part in the creation of Australia and the forging of a national identity. In the mid-1800s, the Gold Rush brought unprecedented prosperity to the young colonies, led by brave, hardy Blokes with brave, hardy picks and little pan thingies, and also a bunch of Chinese people who most of the Blokes agreed were of little consequence. This culminated in the Eureka Stockade, a defining moment in Bloke history, in which a band of plucky, defiant Blokes stood up for Bloke rights against the anti-Bloke forces of the colonial government, and declared once and for all that Blokes would not be pushed around. They made quite a nice flag, too. All Blokes trace their intellectual heritage to the ideas of the Eureka Stockade, whatever they were.

The formation of the Australian cricket team in 1877 was another landmark in Bloke history, featuring as it did the unification of rival Bloke sporting clans, as well as the coming together of possibly the most spectacular assemblage of beards and moustaches hitherto seen. But it wasn’t until 1901 that Blokes really came into their own with the advent of Federation; this was when Australia finally decided that Blokes deserved their own place in the world, and would no longer be dictated to by a faraway non-Bloke regime, so ties with the Mother Country were cut, sort of. No longer could Blokes in good conscience refer to themselves as Chaps, or even Geezers: Blokes we were, and Blokes we would stay. And nowhere did we stay Blokes more stayingly than at Gallipoli, where a gang of insanely courageous Blokes made the world safe for democracy (
see
Bloke’s Blokes). It was that Anzac spirit that would define the common Bloke from then on, and it is that spirit that lives on in today’s IT workers and superannuation consultants.

Throughout history, Blokes have been at the forefront of developments in politics, science and entertainment of all kinds. Important Blokes include John Curtin, Roy Rene, Peter Cosgrove, Howard Florey, Peter Allen, Ugly Dave Gray, Mark Holden, Al Grassby, my Uncle Greg, the guy who played Des in
Neighbours
, and the Emmanuel brothers. Not to mention all the others.

From the outset it should be made clear exactly what we are talking about when we speak of Blokes. Although the roots of the Bloke kingdom lie with ancestors from across the world, a true Bloke is, without exception, an Australian. Blokes are not to be found anywhere else on earth, except on holiday or in Indonesian prisons. Most are Australian-born, though naturalised Blokes are by no means uncommon. Regardless, Blokedom is definitively an Aussie realm, and this is an important point to remember, not least for taxonomical purposes: Blokes should never be confused with those superficially similar creatures that can be found overseas. A Bloke is, for instance, quite distinct from the American Guy, the English Chap and the Spanish Hombre. All share some characteristics, such as penises and non-functioning nipples, but mixing them up can lead to confusion and awkward social situations – there are recorded instances of people dying as a result of inadvertently using the word ‘Bloke’ to refer to a Russian (the technical term for a Russian male is ‘Borscht’).

This can be particularly tricky when dealing with men from New Zealand – known as ‘Bros’ or ‘Fullas’ – who can bear a very strong resemblance to Blokes, and are even sometimes found in the same pubs. The best way to distinguish between the two is either by a careful study of accents, or by getting yourself beaten up by one: the fist-marks are quite different.

This book contains descriptions of a wide variety of Blokes, but, rest assured, they are all genuine sons of the Australian soil.

So how can we sum up a Bloke? As the reader shall see, Blokes come in all shapes and sizes, though not literally – obviously there aren’t Blokes who are only three inches tall, or shaped like sweet potatoes.  But though it is important not to generalise too much when trying to define Blokiness, there are certain things you can say with confidence about the typical Bloke.

A Bloke is a brave, proud, upstanding Australian man with a love of the wide, rugged, dusty land he calls home. He can be quick to anger, but is generous with his friends, and nurses within his bosom a deep love for his fellow man that he will never admit to. Also, he will try to avoid using the word ‘bosom’. He may be stoic and inscrutable on the surface, but beneath he will be a deep thinker, to the extent that he will often be capable of thinking with more than one part of his anatomy, although not necessarily at the same time. He is a solid contributor to his community and can often be kept as a pet if properly trained and/or medicated.

More than anything else, Blokes are an integral thread in the fabric of our society and it’s up to us to embrace them, lest we lose them forever. If we don’t want our Blokes to fade into the mists of history, we need to appreciate them, learn their ways, and attempt to live with them without misunderstandings and violence marring our relationship. For the humble Bloke is indeed the heart and soul of humble Australia.

And with that in mind, let us now enter … the World of Blokes.

The Bogan is possibly the most prevalent variety of Bloke in Australia, due mainly to his amazing resilience and ability to tolerate a wide range of environmental conditions. There are few regions of the country that do not have their own Bogan population, and although in some places they are considered pests, having reached plague proportions, in other places they are honoured as a vital and ornamental part of the community’s cultural tapestry. In some country towns, in fact, the ‘Running of the Bogans’ is a landmark annual event, although there is some debate over whether the treatment of these Bogans is humane.

The Bogan goes by many different regional names, such as ‘Booner’, ‘Westie’, ‘Scozza’, ‘Chigger’, ‘Feral’, ‘Bevan’ and ‘Bronxy’, although ‘Bogan’ is accepted almost universally. Bogans, of course, come in many different varieties, but there are certain characteristics that identify a Bloke as a Bogan. A love of classic rock is one: Bogan settlements are often discernible from some distance away due to their tribal music – such as Cold Chisel, AC/DC and the Choirboys. In such settlements, it is generally accepted that these bands represent Real Music, and that the music out nowadays is For Wankers. Unless the music out nowadays sounds like Real Music: for example, Jet. Therefore we can see that, in cultural and artistic matters, Bogans are a lot more complicated than is often thought. Indeed, contrary to popular folklore, Bogans are not solely testosterone-fuelled macho cavemen, but Blokes with strong feelings about many issues, who, after a dozen or so Bundy and Cokes, are not afraid to cry at the sound of ‘When the War is Over’ playing at 2am. They are also capable of expressing heartfelt and complex emotions on issues including football, cricket, tyres, barbecues, Steven Seagal movies, and Why This Country Is Fucked.

The appearance of the Bogan is another common identifier. The Classical or Original Bogan is usually seen in jeans – often black, although there is no hard and fast rule, and diehard traditionalist Bogans may be seen, even today, in stonewash – and a T-shirt. The T-shirt is particularly important to the identification of a genuine Bogan: a real Bogan T-shirt should either have a swearword on the front or a list of concert dates on the back. The word ‘Metallica’ is a good clue to the presence of a bona fide Bogan. However, if the T-shirt says, for example, ‘Hello Kitty’, or ‘Trees not Guns’, you are not dealing with a Bogan, and should check your copy of
Endean’s Blokes Taxonomy
to see exactly what you have. On the other hand, a T-shirt reading ‘Guns not Trees’ definitely belongs to a Bogan. In the winter months, the T-shirt may be overlaid with a flannelette shirt, a Bogan tradition that goes way back to the earliest Bogans. In some situations, the T-shirt itself may be substituted with a singlet, often known as a ‘wife-beater’ in recognition of the popular Bogan sport. The singlet is worn as a way for the Bogan to demonstrate his physique to fellow Bogans, who judge a man by the muscularity of his arms and/or the size of his stomach.

Bogan hair is a much-studied area which is worthy of comment. The stereotypical view of the Bogan is that he prefers a sort of prehistorically frozen hairstyle, cut short at the top and sides, but flowing luxuriantly down the back of the neck – the so-called ‘mullet’, named for the fish that ancient Bogans wore in their hair as a mark of respect. And while it is true that this remains a popular ‘do’ in Bogan society, the modern Bogan feels free to exhibit a range of different hairstyles as a reflection of his multifaceted personality. The most obvious is the ‘rat’s tail’, an intensely honed mullet often seen on young Bogans whose parents consider them unready for a full mullet, but still want their offspring to look like rodents. There are also those Bogans who consider the mullet too difficult to maintain, and will instead simply allow the hair to grow wildly in all directions, this having the added bonus of granting the wearer what he will believe to be a superficial resemblance to Axl Rose. However, one of the strongest Bogan fashions of late is to eschew long hair altogether, and instead opt for a carefully cultivated set of tousled spikes. Cut and styled to create an impression of careless bedheadedness, these spikes will often be coloured or frosted at the tips, although a Bogan must be careful not to take this attention to his upper topiary too far, lest he drift dangerously into the realm of the Metrosexual, a crime that will force his removal from Bogan society and necessitate his trading in his Commodore for a Mazda. This is a growing source of tension among Bogans, and some Bogan community leaders have even called for blanket bans on hair product.

The origin of the Bogan is somewhat unclear. Most current theories postulate that the Bogans originated in the western suburbs of Sydney and Melbourne, gradually spreading to regional areas and other capital cities as part of a gradual diaspora prompted by the need for rapidly growing Bogan tribes to find employment and used mufflers. However, there is also a somewhat radical school of thought that claims the Bogan arose as a result of nuclear testing in the 1950s.

Although the Bogan, much like pigeons and squirrels, can live almost anywhere, today the Bogan’s habitat remains mostly suburban; Bogans tend to shun the inner city, preferring more open spaces on which to wander around and park cars (similar to many native African tribes who measure one’s status by how many head of cattle are owned, a Bogan family’s rank is determined by how many cars are parked in front of their house). However, they will journey into urban areas for social occasions and mating rituals. These generally involve the consumption of large amounts of alcohol and shows of strength – either to impress females, or just because someone looked at them the wrong way. Such rituals include the well-known Dance of the Jagged Bottle, the Expulsion of the Stomach Contents, and the brief yet spectacular Challenging of the Bouncer. Often these city sojourns will result in Bogans coming into violent contact with other Bogan-hating Bloke species, particularly Rightoids and Snags. These occasions always end well for the Bogan and badly for the other Bloke, which is why a Bogan in the city is always well-advised to start a fight with a non-Bogan rather than one of his own – particularly, as mentioned, Bouncers, a rarefied super-breed of Bogan resulting from intensive training and selective Bogan husbandry.

Another common Bogan pursuit is The Races. The origins of this event are lost in the mists of time, as is the reason why they are called The Races. Some anthropologists have speculated that, at one point in history, The Races were connected to some kind of sporting event. Whatever their true origin, today they exist to allow Bogans to dress up in fine clothes and vomit on each other, and play an important role in the Bogan mating process. More than 70% of Bogan children are conceived at The Races, and it ranks below only strip clubs as a prime location for Bogan males to see Bogan females’ (or ‘Bofemmes’) private parts. It is also an important part of Bogan culture for the fact that, without The Races, Bogans would never learn how to put on a tie. The largest and most spiritually significant race is the Melbourne Cup, to which all Bogans are required to make a pilgrimage at least once in their lives.

When unable to make the sometimes dangerous journey to the city, the Bogan will typically relax in his natural habitat, the Beer Barn, a large structure to be found in most Bogan areas, which enables up to six thousand Bogans at a time to gather together, drink, and eat parmas. The Beer Barn experience also frequently includes one of the most revered Bogan traditions: the Pokies. This is a quasi-religious ritual whereby the Bogan attempts to ensure good fortune and prosperity for his family by giving away large sums of money without getting anything in return. In this way, the Bogan hopes to demonstrate his generosity of spirit and convince Tab-Ah-Ray, the foremost god of Bogan society, to smile upon him.

The Bogan tends to be motivated in most things by a combination of simmering resentment and unfocused anger. The targets for this anger vary, and at any given moment an individual Bogan may be willing to hold forth on the sins and failings of, in no particular order:

• the government 
  
• immigrants 
  
• students 
  
• the police 
  
• wankers (which may include any or all of the above) 
  
• their real estate agent 
  
• the service at the McDonald’s drive-through 
  

Essentially, the Bogan’s raison d’être is to wage never-ending war against the kind of people who know what raison d’être means – the elites, authority figures and up-themselves dickheads who keep the decent sometimes-working Bogan down. And yet, despite this seething inner fury, in most circumstances the Bogan is a jocular and good-natured Bloke, enjoying nothing more than sharing a beer with his mates, followed by some minor punch-ups, and perhaps later on doing donuts on the lawn.

Besides beer, the Bogan diet is simple, in line with their general approach to life. Centred on communal dining and the barbecue, Bogan cuisine is divided into just two major food groups: the burnt, and the all-you-can-eat buffet. Which food group is eaten at any one time depends on whether the Bogan is eating out or in. At home he will devour large amounts of charcoal-encrusted meat, but when out he will treat himself to a wider variety of flavours, including roast beef, lasagne, and, for the more adventurous Bogan, chicken korma.

Although the Bogan is fiercely protective of his territory, he can also be a friendly and loyal companion. Still, one should always be aware that Bogans cannot really be tamed; many people have fallen into the trap of thinking of the Bogan as a pet, only to regret their false sense of security when they suffer a glass to the forehead or a severe fireworks injury.

Bogans take justifiable pride in the role they have played in shaping the history of the nation. Perhaps the first Bogan to make his mark on the national stage was Henry Lawson, whose story ‘The Loaded Dog’ combined for the first time two of the Bogan’s greatest loves: dogs of indeterminate parentage, and explosives. After Lawson came Australia’s first Bogan Prime Minister, Alfred Deakin, who was very keen on stopping the Asians taking our jobs, and was actually prime minister on three separate occasions, between which he was on the Newstart Allowance.

Bogans have probably made the greatest impact on Australian life in the field of sport, which has seen Bogan culture take a leading role. The prototypical Bogan sportsman was cricketer Ernie Jones, who combined aggression and a frighteningly large moustache with a quintessentially Boganish predilection for nude wrestling. Jones’s spirit was carried on in the cricketing-Bogan-par-excellence, Merv Hughes, who emerged during the Bogan Golden Age of the 1980s to terrorise opponents by brandishing his enormous stomach at them, cowing them to the point where they were helpless against his brutal bouncers and bristling upper lip. Hughes’s mantle was later taken up by Shane Warne, who at times during his career flirted with Metrosexuality, particularly in regard to his hair, but in the end came to be known as a Bogan icon, not least for his taste in underpants. Outside of the cricketing world, one of the greatest of all sports Bogans was Wayne Carey, whose athletic ability, when fused with his love of hitting people and groping passing women, made him something of a Bogan role model. However, his high level of physical fitness made him perhaps less than an absolutely ideal Bogan – in many ways he was more an Athlete than a Bogan, at least during his playing career – and he may have been surpassed by his contemporary Billy Brownless, who was such a Bogan that immediately upon announcing his retirement, he tripled in size. Another great sporting Bogan was Matthew Johns, forever assured a place in the Bogan pantheon thanks to his ability to parlay his footballing talent into a career making fun of homosexuals – living the Bogan dream, as it were. And then of course there is Phar Lap, who used to spend his downtime between races drinking on his front lawn.

Outside the realm of sport, other famous Bogans include Senator Bill Heffernan, actor Michael Caton, television presenter Scott Cam, celebrity criminal Mark ‘Chopper’ Read, and prominent puppet Agro.

Boganism is a broad church: although many people consider Bogans to be a homogenous and conformist lot, within the wider Bogan community are many groups and cultures who have carved out their own identity within the greater Bogan monolith. Some of these hew closely to the classical Bogan ethos, while others, having diverged some time ago from the main trunk of the Bogan tree, have developed habits and markings that clearly indicate a distinct subspecies. Varieties of Bogan include:

The
Bootsniffer
. A Bogan species notable for its pack behaviour and unusual religious habits, the Bootsniffer tends to congregate in large groups, known technically as ‘a barracking of Bootsniffers’, for the purpose of drinking heavily and roaring incoherently. Scientists have studied Bootsniffers extensively to try to determine exactly what it is that they are roaring about, with only limited success. Some hypothesise that it is a kind of mating call, although counting against this is the fact the roars are usually directed towards other men, who are generally located on a large field playing football. Others have speculated that the Bootsniffer’s distinctive call may be an attempt to influence the game in some way, although it has also been noted that the words roared only occasionally bear any identifiable connection to events on the field, and there is no recorded instance of a Bootsniffer having any influence on a game of any kind. This has led many to prefer the mating call theory, and others to simply decide Bootsniffers are eternal optimists. Bootsniffers themselves are divided into different breeds, existing in different regions. The Northern Bootsniffer tends to be gruffer and heavier-set than his southern cousin, and his social groups a little smaller, which the Southern Bootsniffer will generally claim is a mark of inferiority. Although there are many other differences between the varieties – such as the Southern Bootsniffer’s inexplicable love of tribal chants sung by barbershop quartets, or the Northern Bootsniffer’s reluctance to leave his house in unpleasant weather conditions, or if his TV is working – they are still recognisably of the same type, as evidenced by the fact that both breeds share a love of scarves and yelling about how soft everything is these days. No matter what region one is in, one is likely to hear the phrase ‘It’s not bloody NETBALL’ in the company of Bootsniffers.