The Book of Awesome (6 page)
Read The Book of Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
So your wipeout is really no big deal.
As long as nobody saw you.
AWESOME!
The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy
The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy states that if you are eating a meal with someone who ordered fries, and you didn’t order fries, you’re entitled to grab one of their fries as it’s landing on the table as long as a) you ask first, b) you make eye contact and raise your eyebrows until they nod, or c) you just know them really well.
Also, since you’re getting first dibs on their
sizzling stick-pile
of delicious hot, oily fries, it’s only fair that you purposefully avoid any
obviously amazing fry
in the pile. You know that really, really long McDonald’s fry sticking out of the box? Probably shouldn’t touch that. But the thin, crispy short ones, the oversalted ones, and the regular
limp n’ floppy
ones? Those are all fair game, my friend, all fair game.
sizzling stick-pile
of delicious hot, oily fries, it’s only fair that you purposefully avoid any
obviously amazing fry
in the pile. You know that really, really long McDonald’s fry sticking out of the box? Probably shouldn’t touch that. But the thin, crispy short ones, the oversalted ones, and the regular
limp n’ floppy
ones? Those are all fair game, my friend, all fair game.
But be careful out there because this policy can be abused. Some people might start pecking away at the fry-pile, then just start gaining momentum,
unable to stop gorging
themselves on your plate once they get started. They just keep testing the waters, pushing the envelope, snacking away until you move your plate out of reach or ask them politely how their food tastes. I’m serious—you need to watch out for these people because they’ll dent your fry-pile if you’re not careful.
unable to stop gorging
themselves on your plate once they get started. They just keep testing the waters, pushing the envelope, snacking away until you move your plate out of reach or ask them politely how their food tastes. I’m serious—you need to watch out for these people because they’ll dent your fry-pile if you’re not careful.
Secondly, keep your eyes peeled for greasy diner plates that come with only
a dozen or so baked-potato-tasting fries
. You know what I’m talking about. Those piles are off-limits! Sorry, but the Universal Fry-Sharing Policy simply does not cover extremely small piles of chunky-style fries. It would be too much to take one of those fries. The percentages just don’t work.
a dozen or so baked-potato-tasting fries
. You know what I’m talking about. Those piles are off-limits! Sorry, but the Universal Fry-Sharing Policy simply does not cover extremely small piles of chunky-style fries. It would be too much to take one of those fries. The percentages just don’t work.
Finally, there is
one appendix
to The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy. Conveniently it is called
Appendix One
, and it simply states that after somebody who ordered fries finishes their meal and pushes their leftover pile of dry, cold, ketchup-smeared fries into the center of the table,
first dibs go to people who didn’t get fries
. Second dibs go to those who already demolished a stack of them but just want more. And third dibs go to the guy washing dishes in the kitchen.
one appendix
to The Universal Fry-Sharing Policy. Conveniently it is called
Appendix One
, and it simply states that after somebody who ordered fries finishes their meal and pushes their leftover pile of dry, cold, ketchup-smeared fries into the center of the table,
first dibs go to people who didn’t get fries
. Second dibs go to those who already demolished a stack of them but just want more. And third dibs go to the guy washing dishes in the kitchen.
So thanks, Universal Fry-Sharing Policy. Your existence is a
win-win
, balancing the tables by helping us fry guys trim down the calories and helping the “Can I sub salad for fries?” folks enjoy some guilty pleasure while still meeting their
eatin’ healthy
goals.
win-win
, balancing the tables by helping us fry guys trim down the calories and helping the “Can I sub salad for fries?” folks enjoy some guilty pleasure while still meeting their
eatin’ healthy
goals.
AWESOME!
Sleeping in new bedsheets
You know the feeling: You just spent five minutes chasing all the corners of the elastic form-fitting bottom sheet around your bed and then laid and
tucked the top sheet tightly into the mattress
. You found some pillow covers in the linen closet, squeezed and shook your pillows in there, put your blanket over all of it, took a deep breath, and then dove right into the fresh, cold, mothball-smelling sheets.
tucked the top sheet tightly into the mattress
. You found some pillow covers in the linen closet, squeezed and shook your pillows in there, put your blanket over all of it, took a deep breath, and then dove right into the fresh, cold, mothball-smelling sheets.
New sheets are great because they don’t smell like
The Sleeping You
, with your armpit hair all squishing around in there all night, your drool leaking all over the pillows, and your crusty old feet flaking off into little piles of dead skin shavings at the foot of the bed. And let’s not forget the hot farts you pop out when you’re sleeping too. Don’t deny it! We’re all disgusting when we’re asleep, and new bed sheets are great for letting us temporarily escape our own filth.
The Sleeping You
, with your armpit hair all squishing around in there all night, your drool leaking all over the pillows, and your crusty old feet flaking off into little piles of dead skin shavings at the foot of the bed. And let’s not forget the hot farts you pop out when you’re sleeping too. Don’t deny it! We’re all disgusting when we’re asleep, and new bed sheets are great for letting us temporarily escape our own filth.
Really, only one thing can add to that new bedsheet feeling and that’s when it’s your
first seasonal sleep
in thin cotton summer sheets or thick linen winter sheets. As you close your eyes softly, crickets chirping outside your window, moonlight and tree branches shadowdancing on the walls, you know right then and there: It’s going to be a good night.
first seasonal sleep
in thin cotton summer sheets or thick linen winter sheets. As you close your eyes softly, crickets chirping outside your window, moonlight and tree branches shadowdancing on the walls, you know right then and there: It’s going to be a good night.
AWESOME!
Using hotel lobby bathrooms when you’re out walking around
Anyone else out there have a bladder the size of a walnut? One that fills up after a few spoons of soup and is at attention, ready to drain any time of the day? If you’re afraid of getting a drink before the movie or having a glass of water anytime after 6 p.m.
,
then you’re with me. My small and weak-bladdered brothers and sisters of the world, unite!
,
then you’re with me. My small and weak-bladdered brothers and sisters of the world, unite!
See, we got issues, me and you. We’re terrible on airplanes. We never get to experience the 7-Eleven Super Big Gulp. And maybe worst of all,
we’re always forcing our friends to help us find public washrooms
when we’re walking or driving anywhere, which really drives them crazy. Sorry, friends.
we’re always forcing our friends to help us find public washrooms
when we’re walking or driving anywhere, which really drives them crazy. Sorry, friends.
If you’re with me on this one, then you know these searches for decent public washrooms really are a fine art. Those perfect places are always out there, but you really need to be careful. With that warning let’s discuss the
Top Five Places to Pee When You’re Out
:
Top Five Places to Pee When You’re Out
:
5.
Gas stations.
Easy prey for the worst kind of fly-by urinators—those who don’t live nearby or plan on coming back. These people do not respect bathroom facilities. We know this from racist scrawls on bathroom walls and the mistaking of floors for toilets. Bad ones smell rancid. Good ones smell like a flatbed truck full of urinal pucks sitting on a garbage dump. But hey, sometimes they appear like mirages on the horizon, and at least you know they’re almost always open and have a toilet. So we give you Number 5, gas stations. Thanks for coming out.
Gas stations.
Easy prey for the worst kind of fly-by urinators—those who don’t live nearby or plan on coming back. These people do not respect bathroom facilities. We know this from racist scrawls on bathroom walls and the mistaking of floors for toilets. Bad ones smell rancid. Good ones smell like a flatbed truck full of urinal pucks sitting on a garbage dump. But hey, sometimes they appear like mirages on the horizon, and at least you know they’re almost always open and have a toilet. So we give you Number 5, gas stations. Thanks for coming out.
4.
Bus or train stations.
Bus or train station bathrooms are just like gas stations but with one major difference: maintenance. Whereas gas stations are run by individual owner-operators or a couple of teenagers working the midnight shift, bus or train stations are generally run by formal transit authorities or governments who employ people
just to clean the place up
, because otherwise they’d look bad or get kicked off the board of transportation or something. The other plus to bus or train stations is size. They usually have
rows
of stalls or urinals instead of
one.
Very little chance of having to wait. So thanks, bus or train station bathroom. You’re there when we need you.
Bus or train stations.
Bus or train station bathrooms are just like gas stations but with one major difference: maintenance. Whereas gas stations are run by individual owner-operators or a couple of teenagers working the midnight shift, bus or train stations are generally run by formal transit authorities or governments who employ people
just to clean the place up
, because otherwise they’d look bad or get kicked off the board of transportation or something. The other plus to bus or train stations is size. They usually have
rows
of stalls or urinals instead of
one.
Very little chance of having to wait. So thanks, bus or train station bathroom. You’re there when we need you.
3.
Restaurants or coffee shops.
Okay, we’re starting to get into decent territory now. Maybe an extra ply on the toilet paper or perhaps a comic strip pinned up over the urinal. Restaurant and coffee shop bathrooms are much better, but they are a little hard to get at—you’ve either got to buy something or pretend you’re looking for someone before running to the back of the place and then taking off. Care and delicacy is required. Not for the faint of heart.
Restaurants or coffee shops.
Okay, we’re starting to get into decent territory now. Maybe an extra ply on the toilet paper or perhaps a comic strip pinned up over the urinal. Restaurant and coffee shop bathrooms are much better, but they are a little hard to get at—you’ve either got to buy something or pretend you’re looking for someone before running to the back of the place and then taking off. Care and delicacy is required. Not for the faint of heart.
2.
Somebody’s nearby house.
This is where you make the mid-trip pit stop at a local friend’s apartment or house. They don’t necessarily have to be hanging out with you at the time. Just buzzing their place and asking if you can use the facilities is acceptable. Once you get in you’ll be living large with thick toilet paper, fancy cream soap, and occasionally a stack of dog-eared magazines. Try not to judge the hair in the sink, bath towel on the floor, or bright, glowing toilet bowl ring staring up at you like the Eye of Sauron. Just enjoy and get out.
Somebody’s nearby house.
This is where you make the mid-trip pit stop at a local friend’s apartment or house. They don’t necessarily have to be hanging out with you at the time. Just buzzing their place and asking if you can use the facilities is acceptable. Once you get in you’ll be living large with thick toilet paper, fancy cream soap, and occasionally a stack of dog-eared magazines. Try not to judge the hair in the sink, bath towel on the floor, or bright, glowing toilet bowl ring staring up at you like the Eye of Sauron. Just enjoy and get out.
1.
Hotel lobby bathrooms.
Now we finally reach the cream of the crop, the cherry on the sundae, the top of the roller coaster. Yes, the spacious, luxurious, over-the-top hotel lobby bathrooms really are magical when you’ve been walking around all day, sweating under the blazing sun, just searching for somewhere to lighten your load. Hotel bathrooms are great because they are so sinful. Really, nothing in there is necessary, but you become the
Emperor of Toilets
, commander over a vast plumbing kingdom, ruler of all faucets and mirrors for miles around. Hotel lobby bathrooms treat us streetwalkers like uppity business-class travelers. I mean, who likes to dry their hands with face cloths anyway? Who needs chairs in the bathroom? And who really wants one of those bathroom butlers sneakily wedged into a corner wearing a tux and holding out cologne and towels for you? Who needs this?
Hotel lobby bathrooms.
Now we finally reach the cream of the crop, the cherry on the sundae, the top of the roller coaster. Yes, the spacious, luxurious, over-the-top hotel lobby bathrooms really are magical when you’ve been walking around all day, sweating under the blazing sun, just searching for somewhere to lighten your load. Hotel bathrooms are great because they are so sinful. Really, nothing in there is necessary, but you become the
Emperor of Toilets
, commander over a vast plumbing kingdom, ruler of all faucets and mirrors for miles around. Hotel lobby bathrooms treat us streetwalkers like uppity business-class travelers. I mean, who likes to dry their hands with face cloths anyway? Who needs chairs in the bathroom? And who really wants one of those bathroom butlers sneakily wedged into a corner wearing a tux and holding out cologne and towels for you? Who needs this?
Well us, that’s who! We thimble-bladdered folk need this once in a while. I’m sorry but we need it. A little pampering and comforting for our terrible genetic sins. So thank you, hotel lobby bathrooms for treating us with grace and dignity amongst a world of people who don’t like to hang out with us.
AWESOME!
Taking your bra off after wearing it for hours
It just feels like freedom.
Or so I’ve heard.
AWESOME!
The sound of scissors cutting construction paper
When you hear scissors cutting through a sheet of construction paper, you just know fun is about to happen. The table is covered with glue sticks, glitter, pipe cleaners, and
googly eyes
, and everything is set for a day full of crafts with the camp counselor.
googly eyes
, and everything is set for a day full of crafts with the camp counselor.
In some ways, this is essentially the kid equivalent of spreading tools out across the
basement workbench
before building a shelf, or taping windows and opening paint cans before you coat the kitchen walls in a new shade.
basement workbench
before building a shelf, or taping windows and opening paint cans before you coat the kitchen walls in a new shade.
Yes, the sound of scissors cutting construction paper is the sound of important work about to happen. It’s the sound of creativity bubbling. It’s the sound of ideas blossoming. And it’s the sound of some decent fun on a rainy afternoon.
AWESOME!
Waking up before your alarm clock and realizing you’ve got lots of sleep time left
Dark windows,
dead silence
, dim moonlight dancing on the walls. The night is calm and quiet and peaceful.
dead silence
, dim moonlight dancing on the walls. The night is calm and quiet and peaceful.
And then
BOOM
.
BOOM
.
Your eyes burst open and you bust out of bed in an adrenaline-gushing, brain-rushing state of emergency. Dizzy and blind, you
urgently stumble
over to the clock as thoughts zoom through your head—am I late for work, did I miss the buzzer, do I have time for a shower?
urgently stumble
over to the clock as thoughts zoom through your head—am I late for work, did I miss the buzzer, do I have time for a shower?
You swipe the clock, zoom it up to your
squinty eyeballs
, and get a good look.
squinty eyeballs
, and get a good look.
“4:56 a.m.,” it screams in its trademark bright-red fluorescent silence.
“4:56 a.m.”
Your hazy half-asleep brain slowly clicks into gear. “Much early than morning,” you piece together slowly. “Time more sleep now.”
And then a slow, thin smile curls on your lips as you turn to stare at your
crumpled cocoon
and dive back into
Bedhead Paradise
. Oh, you know that second dip into Dreamland will be a doozy for a few big reasons:
crumpled cocoon
and dive back into
Bedhead Paradise
. Oh, you know that second dip into Dreamland will be a doozy for a few big reasons:
•
Ready to rock.
The bed is pre-warmed, the mattress pre-dented, and the other side of the pillow is just waiting to hug your hot, salty head. Detangle the sheets and you’re good to go.
Ready to rock.
The bed is pre-warmed, the mattress pre-dented, and the other side of the pillow is just waiting to hug your hot, salty head. Detangle the sheets and you’re good to go.
•
Dare to dream.
If that rocking dream you’re having is still fresh in your head, you might be able to clench your eyes, squeeze your brain, and pop right back into it.
Dare to dream.
If that rocking dream you’re having is still fresh in your head, you might be able to clench your eyes, squeeze your brain, and pop right back into it.
•
Take a break.
Your body woke up early because it felt pretty rested, so the extra sleep is just its way of saying “Go ahead, take a long lunch.” People, this is like a snow day without the shoveling—just a big puddle of free time to soak up guilt-free.
Take a break.
Your body woke up early because it felt pretty rested, so the extra sleep is just its way of saying “Go ahead, take a long lunch.” People, this is like a snow day without the shoveling—just a big puddle of free time to soak up guilt-free.
Yes, waking up before your alarm clock and realizing you’ve got lots of sleep time left is a great thing. Sure, your heart pulses and your
brain convulses
, but you quickly realize there’s a long time to go before morning.
brain convulses
, but you quickly realize there’s a long time to go before morning.
So snore on and snooze strong, my friends.
AWESOME!
When the socks from the dryer all match up perfectly
Peeling apart that static-covered
clump of socks
is tense.
clump of socks
is tense.
First you yank them from the dryer and dump the
hot haystack
on the bed. Then you start pairing up the easy ones—reconnecting brown argyle husbands with brown argyle wives and red-striped brothers with red-striped sisters. It’s free and easy love all around.
hot haystack
on the bed. Then you start pairing up the easy ones—reconnecting brown argyle husbands with brown argyle wives and red-striped brothers with red-striped sisters. It’s free and easy love all around.
But then it happens.
You hit that big pile of white or black
leftover socks
and matching gets tough. You’re inspecting patterns and heel placements, checking textures and fades, all the while hoping, just hoping, that everything will work out fine.
leftover socks
and matching gets tough. You’re inspecting patterns and heel placements, checking textures and fades, all the while hoping, just hoping, that everything will work out fine.
As you approach the last few socks you do a quick mental count to see if you’ve got
an even number
of socks left on the bedspread.
an even number
of socks left on the bedspread.
If you do, and if they all match up perfectly, then you’re loving it. There are no missing
tube socks
or disappearing dress socks. Everything is locked and loaded, so you just put them all together, take that basket of well-worn lovers to the dresser, and dump them all in the drawer with a
big smile
on your face.
tube socks
or disappearing dress socks. Everything is locked and loaded, so you just put them all together, take that basket of well-worn lovers to the dresser, and dump them all in the drawer with a
big smile
on your face.
AWESOME!
When there’s still time left in the parking meter when you pull up
Say some kind and generous soul left
seven unused minutes
on the parking meter and left you with three big choices.
seven unused minutes
on the parking meter and left you with three big choices.
First of all, you could go with the
No Dollar Dash
. This is where you do some quick mental math and figure you can run all your errands before the time expires. If you can grab a slice of pizza and pick up the dry cleaning that quickly, then go man, just go.
No Dollar Dash
. This is where you do some quick mental math and figure you can run all your errands before the time expires. If you can grab a slice of pizza and pick up the dry cleaning that quickly, then go man, just go.
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