The Boo (21 page)

I sincerely hope that my ambitions will not be menaced by a hasty reinforcement of my psychological fear, “confinisophobia” (Latin for fear of confinements) and that the proper therapy will be employed so that I may become a useful member of society; i.e., that is 5 demerits.

3. The offense was intentional.

22 March 1965

1. The report is correct.

2. On the date of the infraction

My mind was in traction;

Because this afternoon there had been inspection

For which I had shined up to perfection.

Then came a parade, with all its show

That made my skull work real, real slow;

It put my body under control of my rack

Which after this bliss, pulled me in the sack.

I awoke as the troops were marching to mess

And with thoughts of suckulant food, started to dress;

I hurried, only a little bit late, to Coward Hall Only to find that I shouldn’t have gone at all.

3. The offense was intentional.

3 May 1966

1. The report is correct.

2. In Spring when the world is mudluscious

My thoughts wander far and free,

O Society and Intellectual History

Your call is deaf to me.

When sea gulls’ calls are lifted

O’r Charleston garbage dumps,

I find myself emerged

In absorbing history lumps.

Spring’s call is wild and delicious

I must not tarry here,

But wander about the Cid Campus

Where its sound is music on my ear.

A poet is true I may not be,

but I humbly impore they pity

On your lamb in agony

Though four walls do not a prison make,

And Spring’s glad son invades the harshes prison walls

I accept my fate though big or small.

3. The offense was intentional.

2 March 1965

1. The report is correct.

2. On the 15th of February the animals (species Hamstro) were returned to room 1307. We assumed that this was an indication that they were not to establish a permanent residency in the Commandant’s Department. At this time our concern was two fold.

1st. That the Hamstros be properly taken care of since the health of the two species was in a condition of pregnancy. We were concerned with the present condition of the Hamstros because we felt we owed an obligation to the species of properly caring for them since the status of pregnancy occurred while they were boarders in our company headquarters. Moving the species at that time would have meant possible physical damage.

2nd. We had good intentions of removing the species as soon as the present period of hardship was terminated. Since it was obvious that the Commandant’s Department felt such companionship was unwarranted we would have immediately carried out these wishes if it had not been for the above status of the Hamstros.

To further substantiate our actions we regret to announce the death of the two Hamstros referred to above. They passed on after discovery of their habitat for the second time. We wasted no time in removing the Hamstros from “B” Company’s area, this move resulted in the mentioned death of the referred Hamstros.

In conclusion, we were guided by the principle of discretion in the interest of humanity and maintenance of Headquarters morale.

3. The offense was intentional.

CHECKED BY JM Exec. Officer

2/3

14 April 66

1. The report is correct.

2. On the date of the aforementioned offense, I noticed a classmate greedily trying to protect an exceptionally large piece of chocolate cream pie. With the joyness of Friday and the chicanery of April Fool’s, I made mock attempts to pilfer the pie. On one attempt, I bumped the defender, causing his hand to strike the pie. Perceiving a messy reprisal, I made a futile attempt to flee. While this classmate was cleaning his hand on my shoulder, Mr. Reeves was inadvertently splattered. Admitting these actions were a misdemeanor, I contend that there was no harmful or dangerous throwing of food, but merely a bit of smearing.

3. The offense was unintentional.

CHECKED BY LES Exec. Officer

5/10

1. The report is correct.

2. The day in question was last Friday, when drill and parade were rained out. The upper-classmen of third battallion, to celebrate their jubilation, were playing catch from gallery to gallery, trans quadrangle. There were numerous misses and the balls fell to the quad. Paying tribute to their class and position here at The Citadel, and at the same time trying to win their favor, I, like an humble dog, retrieved their balls. I am sure that at no time did I penetrate the depths of the hallowed quad more than fifteen feet. For this devout loyalty and servitude I was rewarded unjustly with an E.R.W.

3. The offense was unintentional.

CHECKED BY CHW Exec. Officer

5

1. The report is correct.

2. On the date of the report, I went to Mess, where, in the typical pre-game tension and excitement displayed by the Corps, I was bombarded by various and sundry delectable morsels from our choice menu. Since I did not choose to go to the game smelling like a tuna-fish sandwich or looking like a baked bean, I took a shower and dressed in a clean uniform. When I stepped out of my room:

“what to my wondering eyes should appear, an empty quad, they had left me here.” I proceeded to the game under my own (clean) steam and was there in time for the “daring dash” to the stands.

3. The offense was unintentional.

1. The report is correct.

2. In the course of events of all men’s lives, there falls an occasional pestilence of ill which plagues the happiness and security of all ensconced in a particular community. So it has been with us at The Citadel. A thief has come into our midst, and he has created a schism amidst the bounds of brotherhood around our campus conclave in the form of mutual mistrust.

On Friday the ninth of December, Cadet James A. Probsdorfer sorrowfully brought the aforementioned weighty matter before The Corps of Cadets at the conclusion of our noon meal. He discussed the gravity of the blight, and he required everyone to be especially watchful lest the thief survive to afflict us further. Friday was a day of natural beauty and warmth, but as the cadet corps streamed from the mess hall, there was no correlation between the shining sun and downtrodden looks of faces forlorn. There was none of the levity which usually precedes a forthcoming weekend, and camaraderie was non-extant.

I felt that such a state of lethargy with every soul lost deep in the “slough of dispond,” as John Bunyan’s
Pilgrim’s Progress
described it, was an unhealthy state in which to leave our student body. Donning, in addition to my regular mixed-field uniform, a garrison cap, chin-strap turned up so as to emulate a Hell’s Angel, a white handkerchief over my face in the manner of Billy the Kid, and a pair of black fingerprint-proof gloves, and, placing a lock box under my arm, I set out to raise the Corp’s morale.

I went first to the room of our battalion honor representative. My ludicrous appearance then left the battalion commander and his exec in a fit of great hilarity. Venturing toward the second battalion, and after receiving the cheers of the cadet contingent present, I made my way to our Regimental Commander’s room, in which my appearance broke the heavy air and was received with warm amusement. Entering the third battalion and feeling highly gratified by the effort of my presence there, I struck upon the idea of holding-up Major Brand, in mock. Having achieved this design with paramount success, I was heading back to my room when I was upended by Captain Motley.

Captain Motley, drawn up in Ozimandian anger, inquired as to my intent. I assured him that my disguise was one of levity, rather than being an attempt to disguise or deceive. However, he did not understand, and the report which may be read above was entered.

3. The offense was, for the best of all, intentional.

1. The report is absolutely and unequivocally incorrect.

2. My suggestions as to the manner in which the reporting officer should execute his responsibility is far from acceptable here. I do however feel, regardless of the bitterness resulting from failure to keep a cadet in until graduation, he should not report a cadet who was not even driving for going the wrong way on a street, which as a mere aside was not even done by the driver of the car. Mere assumptions will not stand up in a court of law, even though they may stand in your court. On the other hand if it was a mere optical fantasy created by … poor sight … old age … spite … senility, then I suggest consulting the closest attaché of Medicare.

3. Since the report is incorrect, it obviously was intentional.

1. The report is correct.

2. I was blown up there by a sudden gust of wind and while up there I decided to check it out for suitability for a Senior Class Party.

3. As you can see, the offense was unintentional if there was any offense at all.

1. The report is correct.

2. That screaming clock makes my blood run cold.

Gabriels trump! The big bull elephant

Squeals “Late” to the parched herd. The lambs bleat

And jabber that it’s speed they want.

Within my blood my ancient kindred spoke,

Grotesque and monstrous voices, heard afar

You cannot leave a friend wishing to revoke

His loved ones and home for The Citadel star.

And suddenly, as in a flash of light,

I saw great nature working out her plan.

She called for care from mastadon to mite,

“Safe driving;” Chevy speed groped thru the night.

On that long road we came to seek mankind;

Here were the darkling converts penitent home

Circumstance upheld us into sin quite blind,