The Bodies We Wear (26 page)

Something’s wrong.

“You’re next,” Rufus says. He drops the old needle on the floor and pulls a fresh one from the folds of his jacket.

Rufus lunges at me and I barely manage to snap out of it before I feel his hands grabbing at my hair. I pull back my arm and punch him as hard as I can. I miss most of his face; my knuckles land the blow on the side of his head, but it’s enough to make him let go and step back in shock.

He expected this to be easy. He beat me once without any resistance on my part. That’s why he went after Chael first. That’s why he was cowardly and attacked from behind. Maybe he thought I’d drop to the floor in tears like some sort of hysterical idiot. Nope, not this time.

I hit him again and a well- placed kick makes him drop the needle and retreat in pain. I see his other hand going into his jacket to grab his gun but I don’t allow it. I throw myself on the monster, kicking and punching, not giving him a second to catch his breath. The gun flies out of his jacket and I ignore it, choosing instead my fists as my own weapons.

Rufus drops to his knees and covers his head with his hands, trying to protect himself from my blows. I punch around his fingers, finding cracks in his defenses, kicking at his chest and ribs.

He finally goes down and I stop. Rufus curls up on the floor like a baby and suddenly all that fire inside of me washes away. I look at him, a pathetic loser, a wasted man who uses pain to make his life seem useful.

I pick up the gun and aim it at his head. I should pull the trigger and end his life. I’d be doing the world a favor. I’ve thought about this moment every day for six years. I should be ready for this.

But I’m not.

Gazer and Chael have been right all along. Revenge isn’t as sweet as everyone is led to believe. I’m still not complete. In fact, I doubt I ever will be. And I don’t want to kill him.

I want to live.

Behind me, Chael’s lifeless body waits. There are more important things to do right now.

“Did you figure it out?” I ask. “Do you remember me?”

Rufus spits out blood and refuses to look at my face.

“You killed me once,” I say. “Many years ago. A poor helpless child. But you should have made sure I was really dead. I came back. I got strong.”

“You mean you’re just a gutter rat?” Rufus finally looks up at me. “Holding some stupid grudge because you got addicted to Heam? I’ve got news for you, sunshine. That’s your own fault.”

I refuse to rise to the bait.

“You think I’m going to remember ever single gutter rat I’ve given drugs to? Jesus, my memory ain’t that good. You’re nothing more to me than a thousand other faces.” He spits on the ground as if to emphasis his point. “No one cares about you and they sure as hell won’t remember you—least of all, me.”

“I should kill you right now,” I say. “But I’m not going to. I’m not going to give you that power over me. I’m not letting you take my life completely.”

Rufus starts to climb to his feet. He sways unsteadily for a few seconds. Then he spits again in my direction. He’s still smiling. The bastard is still grinning like I’m not a threat.

I raise the gun straight to his head and he flinches.

“Your boyfriend doesn’t look so good,” he says.

“Get out of here,” I say. “And don’t let me ever see you again. Because the next time I will kill you.”

Rufus looks around like he wants to challenge me but at the last second he decides against it. Even he knows his limits. He wipes some blood away from his mouth and starts walking backward.

“Watch yourself, girlie,” he says. “One day when you least expect it. I know where you live now.”

“I’ll keep the back door unlocked for you,” I say.

He stops and takes a step forward. I raise the gun above his head and pull the trigger. The explosion is loud and part of the ceiling sprays bits of brick from where the bullet entered.

Rufus puts his hands over his head and ducks. I lower the gun until it’s level with his eyes.

“I said leave.”

He opens his mouth to say something but I wave the gun again and he thinks better of it. Rufus turns and heads for the door with me right behind him. The moment he leaves, I lock the door. The knob wobbles in my grip. Gazer was right, it does need fixing. It probably wasn’t hard for Rufus to pick it.

I drop the gun into the empty umbrella basket. My arms are shaking so badly I’m amazed I’ve been able to hold it for this long. I lean against the door, trying to mentally force my heart to stop pounding.

Chael!

I turn and run.

He’s still on the floor and I drop down beside him and put my head on his chest. His shirt is still warm but for how much longer? I can’t hear a heartbeat so I check for a pulse. Nothing. He’s not breathing.

I get into CPR position and place my hands on his chest.

One and two and three and four. One and two and three and four.

I tilt his head back and breathe air deep into his body.

One and two and three and four. One and two and three and four.

Breathe. Breathe.

“Dammit, Chael,” I scream. “Come back to me. Don’t leave me!”

The minutes pass. My body begins to cramp and my hands ache. But Chael doesn’t move.

I pound on his chest before finally giving up. I sit on the floor beside him, exhausted, both mentally and physically. The music clicks off. Sinatra has left the building.

Reaching out, I take his hand and hold it, trying to will my own warmth to leave me and enter him instead. Tears run down my cheeks.

“True love never leaves,” I whisper. “Even in death. You came back to me before. Please come back again. I don’t want to be here without you. I can’t do this without you.”

I have a feeling it was only a one-time thing.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t go to him. Suddenly I’m off the floor and searching the room for the syringe. I find them both beside the couch. One almost empty. One filled.

I pick up the one with the silvery liquid and hold it up to the light. Instantly I can feel the ache tugging from my scars. The desire.

It’s time to feed it.

If Chael can’t come to me, then I’ll go to him.

The needle slides under my skin and I push the plunger home. There is a bright flash of white light. My head involuntarily turns up toward the ceiling as my body completely shuts down. In slow motion I fall backward, watching everything around me go blurry. My head hits the floor but I don’t feel it.

My vision dims.

Nothing but darkness.

The world stretches out before me in the shape of a dark space. There are no walls, just an endless hardwood floor that leads off further than my eyes can see. There is no ceiling. When I look up, I see nothing but darkness. But there must be light somewhere because I can see. I am surrounded by a dull glow, giving me about ten feet of visible space.

I appear to be in the spotlight.

I’m lying on the floor, my hands scraping against the wood. Maybe once, this floor was shiny and new. I wonder how many people have traveled through here to wear down the finish, leaving nothing but splinters and cracks.

If this wood were sand, there would be a million footprints left behind.

I get up after fully taking in my nonsurroundings. Chael has to be here somewhere. All I have to do is find him.

I start walking. The light follows me. No matter which direction I turn, the glow sticks to me like glue.

My walk turns into a jog.

Then I’m flat-out running.

No matter how far I go, the floor beneath me doesn’t change. I’m going nowhere. Eventually I stop, collapsing to my knees, panting heavily. I keep my head down and wait for the inevitable hell that’s sure to follow.

The shadows are all around me. I’m sure of it. They’re moving in across the floor and they’re going to swallow me whole this time. I can feel them getting closer and I brace myself for the pain I know is coming.

I can’t remember how we first figured out that our bedroom windows are side by side. But now that we’ve discovered it, we pull the screens off the windows every single night and stick our heads out to talk. Mom gets angry because she says I’m damaging the blinds. So we have to be secretive.

Our secret.

“What happened?”

“They arrested Dad,” I say. The blue-and-red lights are finally gone. They lit up the entire street, forcing the neighbors to peek from behind their curtains. Mom is still downstairs. She sent me to bed but I hid at the top of the stairs, watching quietly as they read my father his rights and slapped the cuffs on his wrists.

“That’s what my parents figured,” Christian says. “Mom’s gonna offer to take care of you for a bit if needed.”

“I don’t know,” I say. “It’s scary. She’s downstairs, staring at the table. She hasn’t moved since they left. She’s crying. I’ve never seen her cry before.”

“Do you think he’ll come back?”

I shake my head. “I think he did something really bad. They wouldn’t say and Mom caught me listening on the stairs. So I didn’t hear.”

“I’m here if you need me.”

“What if you’re sleeping?”

“Hold on a sec.” Christian’s face disappears from the window. I can hear him jump on the bed. The springs creak. Then I hear a soft knocking noise coming from our adjoined wall. A moment later, he’s back. “There. If you need me, just knock. It’ll be like Morse code.”

“I don’t know Morse code.”

“Neither do I,” he says with a grin. “But all you have to do is knock. I’ll know it’s you. It’ll be like I’m sleeping right beside you.”

I place my hand against the hard wood and start knocking.
I need you. I need you so bad. Don’t leave me alone in the dark.
Skin rubs off my knuckles, but I keep going. No splinters in the world can stop me.

“Faye.”

“Chael?”

Hands wrap around me, pulling my face upward, and there he is. Chael comes down on his knees so he’s level with me. He runs his fingers along my cheek, pushing back the loose strands of my hair. He tilts his head to the side and gives me a sad smile.

“It’s really you,” I say. And by that, I mean he’s in his real body. For the first time since he’s come back, he finally looks comfortable in his skin. He looks like he belongs there.

He’s beautiful.

“It’s me,” he says. “Why’d you come? It’s not easy to go back from here. Trust me, I know.”

“I didn’t want to be left behind again,” I say. I touch his chest with my fingers, tracing a path along his shirt. He’s so warm.

“So you’d rather die than live? Trust me, Faye, you don’t want that.”

“I want you,” I say.

“And you’ll have me,” Chael says. “But not today. It’s not your time. You have to go back.”

“No!”

Chael gently places a hand behind my neck. He pulls me forward and kisses me. I dissolve into his arms, refusing to think about anything except this moment. How can he ask me to go back? I can’t make it without him. He’s my strength.

“Do you see?” Chael says when he pulls away. “No hell. I told you. You hold that control. Everything that happens to you, from here on out, is because of what you think you deserve. This is your heaven. You create it and it chooses you back.”

I look around at my empty space full of splintered hardwood. Why on earth would my brain pick such a confusing place? It’s the most frustrating puzzle in the world. Or universe. Or afterlife. Where am I?

“Where did you go?” I ask. “When you died. I know you said it was nothing but darkness, but there’s got to be more than that.” I wave my arm around. “It can’t be just this.”

Chael leans in and whispers in my ear, “I went where I was supposed to go.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Remember the time we pretended we were on the beach? We transformed the living room into what we used to see on those tourism posters down at the mall? We stared at them forever and imagined all the places we’d explore when we got older. But the ocean was always our favorite. That was my heaven. I was on my adventure and I was there because of you.”

“Why me?”

“Because it wouldn’t be heaven without you.” He takes my hand and helps me to my feet. “Do you want to see?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, but only for a minute.”

Instantly the dark room grows foggy and the floorboards disappear. I reach out for Chael and he takes me in his arms. I close my eyes tightly until the darkness goes away.

Until I feel the warmth on my face. I smell the saltwater.

My feet are suddenly wet.

I open my eyes.

The emptiness is gone. There’s white sand all around me, stretching for miles. Above us, a seagull flies and I can see palm trees in the distance. Below, a set of footprints races away toward the bluest water I’ve ever seen. Gentle waves rush over my feet, sinking my toes into the sand. Somewhere in the middle of all this death, I lost my shoes. And I’m wearing a sundress. Blue with pink-and-yellow suns, strikingly similar to the beach towel I used to own. Never in my life have I ever dared to wear anything so summery. Normally, such a thing would look horrific on my pale skin. But when I raise my arm, I can’t help admiring how the translucent whiteness has grown tanner.

Chael is wearing khaki shorts and no shirt. His hair falls into his eyes as a soft breeze passes by.

“You helped create this,” Chael says. “You invented it the exact same way you built the elevator and all those shadow monsters.”

“Impossible,” I say. “This is heaven?”

“It’s the afterlife,” Chael says. “I have no idea if there’s a heaven or hell. At least, not the kind religions speak about. As far as I can tell, there’s only the place where you think you deserve to be.”

“I don’t understand.”

Chael smiles and takes my hand. “You saw hell because your eleven-year-old mind thought you deserved it. All that fear and terror made you believe you’d done something terribly wrong and needed to be punished. Don’t you see? It’s our life experiences that matter, Faye. It’s the whole ‘Why do we exist?’ question. We live so that we’ll know enough about living. Without life, there is no afterlife to look forward to.”

“So you’re saying I can change it?”

“You did change it.” Chael points behind me and I turn to see the most perfect little beach hut. There’s a soft-looking couch on the porch and it looks exactly like the dream world Christian and I talked about all those years ago.

I turn back to look at him. He’s holding a yellow-and-white flower. He brings it up to my nose and I inhale the sweet scent. I remember this. I saw it as a child in a travel magazine. I remember wondering how it might smell. Chael brushes my hair back and tucks the flower gently behind my ear.

“I told you the sun would look good on you.”

I smile because I’m completely at a loss for words. I don’t need them. There’s nothing I could say that could come close to what I’m feeling right now. I wrap my arms around him and hold on tightly, resting my head on his chest and feeling the rise and fall of it. Feeling the heat of the sun on his skin. Feeling the strength of his heart, beating against my ear.

“But time is fleeting,” Chael finally says. “We have to get you back.”

My stomach drops to my knees. “Let me stay with you,” I say.

“That’s not up to me to decide,” Chael says. “You can’t get in here early. You have to wait until it’s your time. Just like everyone else.”

I hold on to him tighter. “No.”

“True love never dies,” Chael says. “I’ll be here for you. When it’s your turn, it’ll be my arms that bring you over.” He presses his fingers against my heart. “You have to go back for you. Don’t think about me. Think about everything you’ll truly be giving up.”

I close my eyes and instantly see Gazer. If what Chael is saying is true, then Gazer’s wife and child are somewhere out here in their own version of paradise. What would it be? The world’s largest library? Or the peaceful cottage he told me he wanted to buy one day. The place he planned to retire to with his wife.

Gazer needs me. He loves me. I need him too. He was the one person who cared for me when no one else wanted to.

And what about my mother and little half sister. Is it possible I could get to know them both? My mother made a bad decision and I’ve spent my life hating her. But here, in all this beauty, I can’t hate.

I can see a future.

All the other Beths out there waiting in the dark. Hiding in the alleys, looking into a bottle of silver liquid. I can help them. Ramona is right. I can make a difference.

I can have meaning.

But I can’t if I stay here.

I pull back from Chael’s embrace. Looking into his eyes, I see nothing but love. I could stay here, forever in his arms. Wrapped inside his warmth. It would be so easy. He’s the one I’ll never stop loving.

People spend their entire lives searching for the one person who will truly love them back. Their soul mate. That one person who understands them better than they do themselves. How lucky I was to find that love so quickly. Can I really walk away from him again?

Yes, I can. I take a deep breath and the words slide off my tongue. “I’m ready to go back.”

“Let me give you something to remember me by.”

Warmth flows from his fingers against my skin. A soft pale glow spreads across my chest and into my arms and legs. It grows brighter with each heartbeat. It hurts my eyes but I can’t look away.

And I feel it. All that pain. The yearning. The insects squirming around my brain begin to die. The addiction. That desire for Heam that’s supposed to haunt me till the end of days.

It’s gone.

For the first time in six years, I feel normal.

“There’s someone waiting for you,” Chael whispers into my ear. “You have to go now. I’ll wait for you.”

“Me too,” I say.

“Go live your life the way you were supposed to,” Chael says, and he kisses me one last time. “I’ve always loved you. That’s not going to change.”

“I love you too.”

The glow inside my body explodes and everything disappears. The never-ending beach evaporates beneath my legs.

And Chael …

My eyes open and I’m coughing hard. I can’t breathe. Gazer is kneeling beside me, pressing down on my chest. CPR.

Then he’s lifting me into his arms and holding me tightly. We rock back and forth while I struggle for air. My head grows dizzy. The lights hurt my eyes.

I’m so cold.

But I’m alive.

“I thought I lost you,” Gazer says. “I was so scared, Faye.”

“It’s okay,” I say. “I’m back.” Turning, I look over at Chael but he’s no longer on my living-room floor. Arnold Bozek’s body is in his place. Or rather, Chael’s gone and now I can only see Arnold as he really was.