The Blinding Light (27 page)

“What’s wrong?” Lizzy screamed back. “Our mother is fucking pregnant!”

Pregnant?

Shit.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuckfuckfuckfuck.

The room froze like in some morbid scene in a parody. The news was just too astounding to comprehend. Belatedly, I realized that the strip of paper Lizzy was holding was a series of ultrasounds. Of a baby. Of
the
baby. Of the baby inside my mother…. Oh, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Ellie was the first to recover. “No. She can’t be.”

We all turned in unison toward our mother as if some great puppeteer were pulling the strings. She was standing near the Christmas tree, its lights still winking festively in contrast to our current emotions. She didn’t move—neither confirming nor denying the accusation—but her face went terribly pale.

Oh, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. A baby? Another one?

“Oh, dear.” It was Maria who understated the problem. At least she didn’t swear.

I swallowed and realized they were now all looking toward me for guidance. Oh, sweet fuckups of fuckups. Whatever my first response was would set the tone for the rest of the family. They would follow my lead. I was their leader. I drew a deep breath and turned to Luke.

“Luke, would you be so kind as to take Patrick and Skylah outside for a few minutes? I think we need to have a family pow-wow. Lunch might be delayed a bit.”

“Sure, man.” Luke was already moving, placing his hand under Patrick’s arm and pushing Skylah in the direction of the back door. I grabbed the paper off Lizzy and had a look for myself. Sure enough, there was the recognizable form of a baby’s oversized skull and tiny body floating in the oval of my mother’s womb. The writing at the top of the picture said, “Corrine Manning, 11w4d” and the date from last Thursday.

The back door hadn’t even closed, and Lizzy’s mouth was off again, “I can’t believe she could be so fucking stupid. I went searching through her drawers looking for alcohol because she’s such a ditz I knew she would have some somewhere. I never knew just what the hell I was going to find. Fucking stupid!”

Lizzy may’ve been an adult, but she was still my little sister who I had raised. I speared her with a forbidding look and pointed to the lounge I had been sitting on. “She’s your mother and you will show some manners, like I taught you. Now sit down and shut up for a while and let me deal with it.” She pouted but obeyed, glaring in my direction with her arms crossed defensively over her chest. I didn’t care. I had more things on my mind than a woman having a temper tantrum like a child.

Ellie was leaning against the wall, biting her fingernails as she did when she was stressed, looking toward me with big eyes. Maria was sitting on the floor in the midst of all our discarded Christmas paper, looking scared. I thought of sending her from the room, but she was nearly eighteen and she was going to have to deal with this situation as well.

Mum was twisting her hands together in trepidation, so I tilted my head toward the second lounge across from Lizzy and she sank into it gratefully. I had no idea when I had become the parent and she had become the child. Probably when I was nine, and she fell pregnant with Maria.

Pregnant.

Nappies, bottles, sleepless nights, prams, cots, daycare, solids, crawling, walking….

Oh, dear Jesus. Not again.

First things first, though. I needed to get the truth. The whole truth.

“Is it true?” I asked. “Are you pregnant?”

“Yes.” Mum wouldn’t meet my eyes, just stared at the floor in front of her, twisting her fingers.

“When did you find out?”

She swallowed but still didn’t look up. “About six weeks ago. I went to the doctor with the stomach flu and he did a test.”

The pieces all fell into place. A stomach flu that was really morning sickness. The constant vomiting. The giving up alcohol and cigarettes.

“Who’s the father?” We all waited with bated breath to find out.

Mum rubbed at her forehead without looking up. “I don’t know. I can’t even remember having sex.” I closed my eyes in disappointment. My mother—the party girl. Still.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake!” Lizzy burst out. “I can’t believe you’re doing this to us!”

But before I could snap at her, Ellie burst in. “You’re such a hypocrite, Lizzy. Doing this to
us
? What does it have to do with you anyway? It’s not like you ever visit Mum or contribute money to make sure Maria has enough to eat and for bills. You just go to your big, fancy school and leech off Jake if you don’t have enough money at the end of the week. And besides, if there’s a problem, you won’t be around. You’ve just finished telling us you’re off to Sydney. How about you think of someone other than you for once?”

Lizzy made a sound of shock but thankfully kept her tongue. “Cool it,” I ordered. “We have things to get through here.” I took a seat next to Lizzy and leaned forward, gently asking, “Mum? Why didn’t you tell us? How did this happen? I thought I bought you an IUD a couple of years ago?” How many sons drove their mothers to a GP and asked to have contraception inserted? My life was just one big thrill after another.

My mother looked up at me with beseeching eyes. “It came out…. The IUD, I mean. I had it checked at the clinic when they did my STD screening. It wasn’t in right so they took it out. I didn’t bother with a new one because… well, I thought I was menopausal. I hadn’t had a period for a long while and I hadn’t fallen pregnant even when my IUD hadn’t been inserted properly. I just didn’t know, Jake. I didn’t know that I could… I would never wish me on a baby. When the doctor told me, I felt so sick. Sick to my stomach. So I went off to take care of it.”

I knew what she meant. Unfortunately, Maria didn’t and had to ask the question. “Take care of it? What do you mean?”

I threw her a quick look. “An abortion, doll.” Maria’s eyes grew wide with distress, like I knew they would. Maria was extremely pro-life. “Go on, Mum. What happened?” I urged.

Mum sniffled a bit. “I went to that new place—Pregnancy Problem House? They’ve just opened up and they help you with stuff like this. They let me talk to a counselor to make sure I knew about my options. It was too late to take the morning-after pill, so if I didn’t want the baby, I’d have to have a procedure. They talked me through what options I had, when I had to make my mind up by and all that. I’ve been going every couple of days to see them. The counselors are really nice. And I’m not even the oldest mother there. There’s another lady I’ve spoken to. She’s forty-eight.”

“So what are you going to do, Mum?” That was the big question.

“I had the scan—you know the one to make sure the baby is okay? He seems to be fine. Of course they can’t tell if it is a boy or a girl yet, but I’m sure it’s a boy. He has all his legs and doesn’t seem to have Down Syndrome. Due to my age, there’s a big risk of the baby not being quite right, but he’s tested fine so far.”

“So are you keeping the baby? What are the risks to you?”

Mum sighed and looked down again. “There’s an increased risk of miscarriage during the first three months, which is why I wasn’t going to tell you guys for another couple of weeks. There are no real problems to me, but older mums have a higher… incidence, they call it. A higher incidence of stillbirths. So they just want to watch me closely and make sure I’m healthy as I can be.”

“And what are you going to do when the baby’s born?”

She shook her head and looked regretful. “I can’t keep him, Jake. I know that. I don’t have the energy or the ability to look after a baby. But I can’t just kill him either. I’ve got a long way to go before I know if he’ll even make it, but I want to at least give him a chance. I’ve talked to the counselor at Pregnancy Problem House and I’m looking into a private adoption. They can help me with that.”

“A what?” Maria was aghast. “He’s our brother! You can’t just give him away!”

Ellie was a little more grounded. “I think an adoption is a great idea. Mum’s certainly not in any state to care for a baby, and I don’t really want to be raising him. I have enough problems with dealing on my own with Skylah.”

“I’ll raise him,” Maria said stubbornly. “I can help Mum.”

“No way!” I vetoed that idea immediately. “You’re about to go to university. You can’t be caring for a baby and study too.”

“We can all help out,” Maria pleaded. “Can’t we all babysit?”

I sighed in exasperation. “A baby is not like caring for a bunny rabbit, doll. You need to have one person who is willing to do the all-night shifts when he’s sick, run him to the doctor, take him for checkups, get his immunizations done, make sure he’s fed and has enough clothes. Sure we can all babysit, but someone needs to take responsibility for him. If Mum’s not willing to do that, then maybe adoption is the best option.”

“But he’s our brother!” she wailed.

I felt for her. This was not an easy choice. “It’s Mum’s decision, poppet. If Mum doesn’t want to raise him or if she thinks she won’t be able to raise him, then it’s best that the little fella has two parents who can. But,” I held my hand up when Maria went to argue, “we need to focus on the here and now. Mum needs to get through another six months of pregnancy before any final decisions are made.”

Maria pouted but settled down and I turned back to Mum. “So what can I do to help, Ma? Tell me what you need and I’ll help you.”

She leaned forward and cupped my cheek. “I love you, Jacob Manning. You have always been there for me. You have always taken the burden from my shoulders and carried it all by yourself. But this is one you can’t help me with. I just need to grow this baby all by myself. The booze urge is an hourly battle, but I’ve got a little one relying on me to keep off the grog and I’m determined to give this baby the best chance in life. Maria’s helping me eat right and you’re checking up on me. So you just need to watch over me until he’s ready to be born.”

“I can do that, Mum,” I vowed.

“The counselors at Pregnancy Problem House have shown me files of all the people waiting just to adopt a baby to love. There’s a couple I have in mind who would love a baby but can’t have one of their own. With a private adoption, I get to choose who my baby goes to, and last week I decided I’d give him to them. They don’t know it yet, but I’ll tell them about my decision when the time is closer. I need to do this. If I could make this dream come true for them, then I know I’ve done at least one worthwhile thing on this earth.”

I got up and pulled her into my arms. “You have a son who loves you and three beautiful daughters. You are worthwhile, Mum.”

She squeezed me tight before pulling back to smile wobbly at the room. “Isn’t this Christmas Day? Why are we all in here moping about! Let’s go and get lunch on the table and dig in.”

There were many unanswered questions and doubts, but I allowed them to be pushed aside, and we all put on our best faces before descending on the kitchen to haul out all the food.

I
WAS
good at pretending, and we managed to celebrate Christmas even though my boat had been rocked. I was suffering badly from seasickness, and in the end there was no romantic dinner with Patrick, just leftovers and an early night. He held me tightly in his arms in the darkness of our room and waited for me to speak.

“I feel so guilty,” was the first thing I said.

“Guilty?” he asked. “How is any of this your fault?”

“I should’ve been more vigilant.”

I felt his laugh more than I heard it. “You? Your mother is forty-four years old, Jake. She has four children and is more than old enough to take responsibility for herself. There’s no one else who should be blamed for the pregnancy apart from her and the man who didn’t cover his dick with a condom.”

“I know,” I puffed. “But I still feel guilty. Guilty that it happened. Guilty that I didn’t watch for the signs. Guilty that I felt… relief when Mum told me about the adoption.”

“Why?” Patrick was matter-of-fact about it, not sympathetic and allowing me to sink into the abyss.

“I….” I swallowed and tried to explain. “I looked after Ellie and Lizzy the best I could when I was growing up. Not because Mum told me to, or because I felt I needed to, but just because they were my sisters and I didn’t know any different. I didn’t know about foster care or shared parenting arrangements or anything. I took time off school when they were sick, fed them the food in the house, went hungry if there wasn’t enough, made sure they were clean and warm enough….” I drew in a deep breath, shuddering with the need to break down and bawl like I was Skylah’s age. “Then when Maria was born, everyone just expected that I’d look after her too. I’d look after her all night, then feed and change her and put her down to sleep before I left for school in the morning, leaving her with Mum. At lunchtime I’d come home to make sure she was fed. I never had any friends because I never spent any time in the playground or after school in the park with the others. I missed a lot of school.”

Patrick rubbed my arm and kissed my neck in comfort.

“I didn’t get to attend regular school until Maria was five and went to Pre-Primary. By that time I was in Year 9 and I was so far behind in my schooling due to the number of days I missed. I graduated Year 12, Patrick, but only just. By that time I was working two jobs after school, because Mum had crawled so far inside a bottle I wouldn’t see her for days.

“There were so many times I just wanted to run away. Do you know, I’m twenty-six years old and I’ve never once been drunk? I have a couple of beers sometimes, but I never get so drunk that I can’t drive a car. I always need to be ready to go and pick up Mum from the police station, or haul Lizzy’s arse out of a party when they start underage drinking, or rush to Ellie’s side when Skylah’s temperature spikes at over forty degrees. I gave up getting good grades for them. I gave up a lucrative job offer up north so I could be near them. I gave up my entire life savings to keep them safe.”

“You’re a good big brother, Jake.”

“I know. I’ve given up everything for them. And now I finally have something in my life that’s just for me. I’ve found the man I want to love for the rest of my life.” His arms tightened around me. My heart was beating, pushing the blood around my body, but it was circulating the love I had for Patrick mixed in with equal parts of guilt over my family. “I have just found him and not even had a full month’s worth of happiness with him, when suddenly they’re all looking at me again, expecting me to rush in and do the right thing. And for the first time in my life I don’t want to. I feel wretched that I’d give up my life for my sisters, but now I find I can’t give you up for a baby that hasn’t been born yet.”