The Blind Eye (14 page)

Losing her had shaken him. She was that one thread, a very fine one, I know, that had linked him to the earth, and when she died, he had felt there was nothing, no matter where he was, to keep him steady.

Belladonna

Clinical. – –
Atropa Belladonna. Deadly Nightshade.

Characteristics. – –
Belladonna
acts primarily on the brain, and Teste very acutely explains the diversity of its action on men and animals by suggesting that it acts with an intensity proportionate to the brain development. On goats and rabbits it has no poisonous action whatever. On carnivorous animals it acts with moderate intensity. On man it acts with highest intensity. But on idiots, as Hufeland mentions, it has no more action than it has on some of the carnivora.

John Henry Clarke,
A Dictionary of Practical Materia Medico

1

It took an hour to walk to the garden. Silas went each morning, leaving as soon as he woke, the heat in his room unbearable by eight o’clock, particularly after long nights of smoking and drinking with the others on the verandah.

The sand was on fire beneath his feet as he followed the track that skirts the edge of the mangrove swamps, the mud rank to the smell, rich and rotting, before he turned inland, into the low-lying scrub, desert brush, saltbush and gorse all scratching at his flesh, scoring red crisscrosses on his skin, tiny pin-pricks of blood to mark where he had been.

This was when he was alone; he was not at Thai’s with the kids screaming around him, he was not at Pearl’s, drawing out the tales he knew she wanted to spin, and he was not at Rudi’s, pressed against the wall by the constant flood of words. For that hour he did not see anyone, and in the absence of all eyes but his own, he did not know who he was or what he was doing in this place.

But when he came down the slight dip in the hill and saw the sunlight hot on the metal fencing and beyond, that
garden holding within it the promise of Constance, his pace would quicken.

It was beautiful
, he tried to explain when he first began talking to me about it.
Mesmeric
, and he would stumble for words to do it justice.

There was that town and then that place. Two completely different worlds. In one, everything was dying and in the other, I had never seen so much life. But strange life. Plants I had never seen before — fleshy tubular flowers, sticky stamens, gaping mouths, drooping heads; it was like a dream
, and Silas looked at the ceiling in disbelief at what he was trying to express.
A sort of terrible caricature of a Freudian nightmare
.

I smiled.
The worst kind
.

All he wanted was a few moments alone with Constance, and each day, when Rudi let him in, he would look for her, remaining hopeful despite the fact that they had still only exchanged a few words.

He was surprised when, about three weeks after his first visit, she was simply there at the gate, keys in hand, Rudi nowhere in sight. The problem was that he found himself unable to speak. His throat was dry from the heat, and he brushed at the flies that gathered in a thick swarm as he tried to summon the words he had imagined.

He’s waiting for you
, she said, and stepped aside, indicating that he should walk as he always walked, up the path that led to the shack.

It’s you I’d like to see
, he told her.

Her words were direct as she snapped the padlock closed.
What for?

He could not think of an appropriate reply. It was simply that he was obsessed with her, lifted high on a glittering wave of infatuation, so high that he felt dizzy with the sensation.

Do you want me in your article as well?

He had forgotten the story he had used and, once again, he was relieved she could not see his embarrassment. He told her he wanted her to show him the garden, he wanted to know how she made it all grow, why she had done it, what kind of a life she led, his questions tumbling out in an excited rush.

I want to know it all
. He was relieved to see the faintest smile on her face.
If you’ve got the time
.

As her smile deepened, she appeared, for a moment, like a child. The wariness dissolved, and all Silas wanted was to hold this moment still.

Maybe you could start by showing me your favourite, the one you love, the flower you are always with
, and, forgetting once again that she could not see, he pointed towards the softness of the silky cream petals folding across each other, their smell heady in the heat.
Or any of them, I don’t mind
.

The light was dancing in her eyes so that they shone, like moonstones, as she listened to him.

And then maybe I could show you what it’s like out there
, and
he leant forward, his tone more serious now, urgent.
Because you don’t have to stay here. There is so much to see. We could do it. Just open that gate again and keep going
.

Any levity in her expression dissipated. She stepped back, and Silas knew he had said too much.

There is nothing wrong with my life
. Her voice was low.

I know
, Silas rushed to apologise, reaching for her, her skin cool beneath his touch.

Besides
, and she brushed his hand away,
I am blind. Showing me the world would be pointless
. Her last words were almost a whisper in the silence that had descended – the branches of the trees overhead were suddenly still, the slow sway of the flowers, the rustle of the leaves, the flicker of insects were all gone in that moment – and they both stood, apart again.

I am sorry
, Silas said.
I don’t want to upset you
.

She had a leaf in her fingers, and she twirled it, back and forth, in a rapid blur of brilliant green. He reached out to still her, but she seemed to sense his presence and moved away.

I don’t know what came over me
, he told her, wanting only to see her smile again,
I was just trying to get to know you. I didn’t think
. Her expression had not changed.
I’m quite happy just to be here
, he insisted.
I’m not being patronising. I want to learn from you
. There was a desperation to his words now.
All I’ve ever done is make a complete mess of my life out there. I need to change. I want to change
. He did not know what he was saying. He was only aware of the distance that had
grown between them, and the limited time he had before Rudi came, once again, to claim him.
Please
, he asked,
can’t you trust me?

Constance let go of the leaf she had been holding.
He deserves respect
, and she nodded in the direction of the shack.
He believes he will finally be recognised again
.

Silas glanced down the path, fearful that Rudi was making his way towards them.

I know
, and he could only think to lie to her.
I will do what I can to write something that will be read
.

It could have been the heat, or the amount he had drunk the previous evening alone in his room, or perhaps it was the richness of the scent that clung to her skin; it did not matter what had caused it, but he felt faint, and he held onto the nearest tree in an attempt to steady himself.

Don’t make a fool of him
.

As he sunk to the ground, he reached for her.
I am sorry
, he said.
I probably just need a drink of water
.

Her hand was cool and dry around his wrist as she told him to hush, to be still, it would pass.
Just close your eyes
.

He leant forward, his palms pressed against his face, and that was when he felt it, the stickiness of the warm blood trickling between his fingers. It was just his nose, that was all it was, and he looked at the red stain on his skin.

Here
. She was right there by his side, her sweetness overpowering, and she was holding a flower, a rose-pink
blossom, spread open against the whiteness of her palm.
Go on
, and she pressed it closer.

He would have done anything she asked.

Periwinkle
, she told him, a slight smile once again tracing the corners of her lips.
Used for hysteria
. As she helped him up, he saw the amusement in her eyes.
Witches have been known to put them in love potions, but they are also very good for nosebleeds
.

As he crushed the petals into his mouth, he wondered how she had known what was wrong with him, and he looked across at her in wonder.

Can you help me up?
he asked, wanting to feel her touch again.

She told him to stay as he was for a few more moments, and because she seemed to be about to turn away, he opened his mouth to speak again, wanting only to hold her there with him.

So everything, all of this
, and he indicated the garden as he searched for a question, a comment, anything to get her attention,
has a use, a purpose?

Her smile was wry now.
It depends on what you mean by purpose
.

Do you use them all for healing?

She turned her face towards the sun, now high overhead.
There’s not a lot of people who come here to be healed
.

But he used to treat people
, and, without thinking, Silas
nodded in the direction of the shack, aware as soon as he did so that she could not see his gesture.

She was facing him directly now and there was a hardness in her expression he had not noticed before.
That was a long time ago
.

What happened?
Silas asked.
To the others?

She tapped her toe against a rock, the sound repetitive and harsh in the quiet.
There’s nothing mysterious about any of it. There were disagreements and gradually they left. All of them One by one
.

Silas held onto the trunk of the tree and pulled himself up.
But he decided to stay?

She had turned away from him.

It must get lonely, it must be difficult, sometimes
.

Not particularly
. Her tone was sharp.

For him
, Silas said, the memory of Rudi drunk, the first night he saw him, flashing across his thoughts.

You are in no position to judge. Your own capacity for consuming poisons hardly indicates a peace with the world.

If he was alarmed at her apparent ability to read his mind, he did not have a chance to let it register, the anger in her words increasing as she continued.

Do not presume to think you know what our life is like. You have come here for some unfathomable reason that has nothing to do with us and you are simply seeing what you want to see.

Silas did not know what to say. He ran his foot through the
soil, wishing he could win her trust, but each time he tried, it seemed to go wrong.
I am not what yon think I am
, he said.

I have no idea who you are
, she told him.
I can’t see you
.

No
, he protested.
You’ve made up your mind. You won’t give me a chance. But I keep coming back because I really do want to know. I want to know you
.