The Blackwater Lightship (18 page)

They scrambled up the cliff at Mike Redmond's and sat on the edge with the sea wide and calm and blue beneath them.

'Did you see much of Declan during all that time?' Helen asked.

'He didn't come to Brussels over the past two years, because he knew we had problems and because he wasn't well, but before that he was a regular visitor. He would come for long weekends and he'd make us hang out in bars and clubs with him, and he'd usually abandon us at a certain time and then come back home in the early hours like a half-drowned dog. My best memory of him was in the morning; he would crawl in the bottom of our bed. He was like a small boy, and he'd talk and doze and play with our feet. Francois always joked about adopting him; he even bought a child's pyjamas for him as a joke and folded them on his bed. Francois loved his visits. Usually, by Saturday afternoon, the phone would ring and someone from Friday night, or Thursday night if Declan had come earlier, would be eager to talk to him and Declan wouldn't be interested. He checked out all our friends from the Catholic gay organisation and a few of them really fell for him — everybody fell for him — and he would bounce up and down with them for maybe two weekends, and then he'd arrive again and we'd know by something he 'did or said that he hadn't been returning So-and-so's calls, so we learned never to tell anyone he was coming. And then the whole routine would start again; he'd laugh about it himself. Francois used to say that once he went to school and met all the other toddlers he'd be all right, and Declan loved being fed and looked after and listened to and protected from his former lovers by us. He was fascinated by how we never had it off with anybody else. He was always listing out the names of actors and asking us if we'd sleep with them. He'd go "OK, Paul Newman in Hud," and we'd shake our heads; "Marlon Brando in Streetcar," and we'd still shake our heads; "Sidney Poitier in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" and we'd still shake our heads. And then he'd get fed up — he got fed up very easily — and he'd call out other names like Albert Reynolds or Le Pen or Helmut Kohl.'

•          •          •

When Paul and Helen got back to the house, they saw that Larry's car had gone and her mother's car was not there either. When they opened the kitchen door the two cats scrambled back to their vantage point. There was no one in the house.

'Do you think Declan is sick?' she asked. 'Do you think they had to take him to hospital?'

'I'll be able to tell you instantly,' he said.

He went to Declan's bedroom and looked into the locker beside the bed.

'No, all his drugs are here. He wouldn't have gone anywhere without them.'

'Maybe they've gone shopping,' Helen said.

She heated the soup that her grandmother had left in a saucepan Beside the range and made toast and tea. She put two bowls on the table and went back to the range.

'You know that priest in Brussels?' She turned to Paul, who was sitting at the table.

'Yes?'

'Does the Pope know much about him?'

He narrowed his eyes and pointed at her. 'That is exactly the sort of thing Declan says, and he uses exactly the same tone of voice, as though butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.'

'I was just wondering,' she said.

'And I have no intention of allowing another member of your family to start. I'm sorry I told you the whole story now. It's amazing that people like you are let bring up children.' He smiled ruefully.

'Ah no, Paul, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.'

'That's why I left this country, remarks like that. French people, even Belgian people, never talk like that.'

'You really are a sensitive boy,' she said.

'You're starting again.'

'But all the same, can you imagine if the Pope got to hear about it?'

'I'm not listening.' He put his fingers in his ears.

Later, they took deckchairs to a spot at the front of the house which still caught the sun. The day was calm, with milky clouds in the sky and a heat which had not been there in the previous few days.

'This is a beautiful place,' he said.

'I suppose it is,' she said, 'for an outsider it is maybe. I have only bad memories of it.'

'Did you ever get on with your mother and your grandmother?'

'When I was a little girl and had no choice.'

'When did you all fall out first?'

'It was years ago.'

'Over what?'

'Sometimes I'm not sure I know.'

'But when did the fighting start?'

'This doesn't look much like a guest-house,' Helen said, 'but in the old days my grandparents would move into what is now that shed, where there were two rooms. And there are, as you know, three and a half bedrooms upstairs, and two downstairs. A whole family would take over a room; the place was bedlam and they had to be fed morning, noon and night. The summer before I finished school I worked here for a month. My grandmother paid me, my mother and Declan came on Sundays and it was all fine. So I agreed to come and work again the following summer before I went to college. This time, however, my grandfather was dead and my grandmother was different. As soon as I arrived she stopped doing anything herself except bossing me around and not letting me out of her sight. I went into Blackwater one night without setting the table for the morning, and there she was waiting up for me, going on and on about how I had treated her. I know my grandfather had died not long before, but there was no need for it. I couldn't wait for the summer to be over, and by the time it was over I was exhausted.

'I loved UCD from the first moment I arrived there. I met Hugh in my first term and we started going out together, and that was great, even though there were problems because Catholic girls from Enniscorthy did not sleep with men from Donegal without a lot of persuasion. Hugh was going to America for the summer after first year with a whole crowd from Donegal, and they had guaranteed work there. He asked me to come with them and I said I would. By this time I was on the pill, you'll be glad to hear. During the Easter holidays, when I told my mother about America, she instantly became hysterical, and asked me what my grandmother was going to do. "She has a few months to find someone," I said. "And who would she find?" she asked. "Anyone she'd find would be an awful fool for putting up with her," I said. And so you can imagine the screaming and shouting and the letters that followed me to Dublin in case I had not properly understood. She didn't threaten to cut me off, or anything like that, but it was all full of stuff about my father and my grandfather and the two of them — my mother and my grandmother — left alone now and needing the support of those around them, and instead finding themselves insulted and let down by one of the people they loved most. It was all sick. And I gave in. I told Hugh I couldn't go, and when I arrived here the old witch wouldn't speak to me. And the place coming down with guests. If I asked her a simple question, she'd ignore me. And for the first month the only food she bought was ham, boiled in the middle of the day with potatoes and cabbage, in a sweltering July, and cold with a half a tomato and a few leaves of lettuce at six o'clock. The guests — some of them were the lowest forms of life -used to groan when I appeared with the food.

'Granny and I began to leave lists on the kitchen table, as a way of letting each other know that we had run out of eggs or toilet paper. One day, when there was about a week to go, she left a bar of chocolate on my pillow. That was the signal that the cold war was coming to an end. By the time I "was going back she was addressing some civil words to me. And the worst part was that I went back the following year as well.

'A few days after I arrived back in UCD at the end of the first summer, I was walking down the stairs of the canteen, and I saw Hugh sitting there with a group. He glanced away and pretended he didn't see me. I thought at least he would wave and wander over to meet me and we'd have coffee together, even though I'd only had a single postcard from him all summer. All his crowd had been to America, they had money now and confidence, you'd notice them on the campus. This little mouse, on the other hand, ran scared of her grandmother, had no new clothes, was back in Loreto Hall, run by nuns, had lost her boyfriend and wouldn't meet him again for three or four years, but got used to nodding to him discreetly on the way into the library. He was always on his way somewhere. I became very interested in my studies.'

'And did you say', Paul asked, 'that you came back here the following year?'

'I knew it "would be the last time, because the year after that I was sitting my finals in the autumn, but it didn't make it any easier or any better. That year, of course, she was talking to me, and if she annoyed me in any way I spoke to her in that same clear, reasonable way I use with teachers now, and she found that almost impossible to deal with.'

'Yes, it must have been very frightening,' Paul said. They both laughed.

'I missed my chance. I would love to have had those two summers in America and I learned nothing here except this awful bitterness against the two of them, my granny and my mother. And that meant that I was ready for them the next time.'

'What was the next time?' Paul asked.

'I did my Dip. hours in Synge Street, and the Brothers offered me a job and I accepted it. I had also done a course in English as a Foreign Language, and I found work for the summer teaching Spanish students. I told my mother and my grandmother this news way in advance — not the full-time job story, but the summer teaching story. This meant I was in Dublin, I had money, I worked in the mornings, I had a dingy room that I loved at the top of a building in Baggot Street, with a view right down to the Pigeonhouse. I have good memories of that summer, the freedom of it. The area has changed a lot, but up to a certain time in the evening you could go into the Pembroke or Doheny & Nesbitt's or Toner's and nobody would bother you. But I knew my mother and my grandmother thought I was coming home to teach, and I wasn't, but I hadn't told them I wasn't.

'Earlier in the year, my mother had told me that she would ask about vacancies in the schools in Wexford or anywhere around, including Enniscorthy. I remember that I was really careful to say nothing. I didn't want to have the argument then. I never told them about the job in Synge Street. Then in July I had a letter from her to say that there was good news, it was all arranged and Mother Teresa would be delighted to have me from September. I would need to go for a formal interview, but it wouldn't be a problem.'

'Can you give jobs out like that?' Paul asked.

'You can do what you like when you run a religious school. So I wrote back and told her I had a job, thank you. And then the next day the two of them arrived up to Dublin; they were waiting in the car outside my door in Baggot Street, white-faced both of them, when I arrived home after work. There I was, sauntering along Baggot Street on a beautiful summer's day, only to find these two madwomen sitting in the car taking up valuable parking space. They wouldn't come in; they marched me to the Shelbourne Hotel, and I noticed on the way there that they had both dressed up for the occasion. They sat me down and, as they would put it, tried to talk some sense into me. Two summers of drudgery had me ready for them. It was all Mother Teresa this and Mother Teresa that. "I have a job," I said. "I don't need a job." "You've been in Dublin long enough now," my grandmother said. "You have your qualifications and you'll come home now like your father and your mother did. God knows your mother wants to put her feet up for a while." I realised that the plan was that I would skivvy for my mother the way I had done for my granny, perhaps even commute between them. They had brought notepaper and envelopes with them, and they wanted me to write a letter to Synge Street saying that I would not be accepting their job and to Mother Teresa saying that I would be available for interview at her convenience.

'I told them I was writing nothing. They were fussing with the tea things as though they were Lady Muck and ordering more sandwiches. "You'd be much better among your own people," my granny said. "Everyone is to stop bossing me around," I told them. "No one's bossing you ground," my mother said. "We're both very busy and we've both come up all the way to try and talk some sense to you." You should have heard them both, and all they wanted, of course, was to be driven here and driven there, and have messages collected and dinners cooked. And where was Declan during all of this? He was on his first summer holidays after his first year doing Pharmacy in college and what was he doing? Was he washing out the floor of his grandmother's so-called guest-house? No, he was working as a ticket seller in a cinema in Leicester Square in London, and he was, as he will tell you himself, having the time of his life.'

'I know all about it,' Paul said.

'The two of them said that they weren't going to let me throw away a good chance like this. I listened for a while more and then I took my handbag and my cardigan and I went to the ladies' and then I walked out of the hotel into the street. I bought an English newspaper and I went over to Sinnott's in South King Street and I sat in the snug drinking a Club orange and reading my paper. And I suppose at some stage they went home. And that was the end of that.'

'And when did you see them next?' Paul asked.

'I haven't really seen them since-,' Helen said.

'But you must have.'

'I saw them the following Christmas because Declan called to my flat and implored me to come down with him, which I did. The reception was very frosty. I nearly spat when they tried to stop him doing half the washing-up with me. And I came down again the Christmas after that. And I got used to not seeing them, and I found that not seeing them made me much happier, and I became interested in my own happiness.

'I didn't tell them I was getting married and I didn't tell them when the boys were born. Hugh's family love weddings, and they couldn't believe there wasn't going to be a big wedding, but we got married quietly in a registry office in Dublin and then there was a big party in Donegal.'

'Why didn't you want them at your wedding?' Paul asked.