The Black Witch of Mexico (5 page)

“There was something I wanted to say to you,” he said.

She bit her lip and looked anxious, kept glancing at the door like she wanted to be somewhere else. But he was determined she would hear him out.

“I’ve thought it over. I know I said I didn’t want kids right now…that I wasn’t ready for the whole, you know, the whole thing. But, Elena, how it is, I don’t want to lose you. This is the first time I’ve ever said this to anyone. I love you.”

There, it was out of his mouth.

He touched his pocket, felt for the ring in his pocket, wondered if this was the right moment to surprise her with it.

“Come back to me,” he said.

“Adam, there’s no point. You know what I want and you’re not ready for that. You told me yourself, you aren’t built to be monogamous.”

“Maybe I was wrong.”

“I know you don’t really mean this.”

“I do mean it.”

He thought that would be enough. His fumbled for the little plush lined box in his pocket. He thought she would fall at his feet. Instead she glanced at the door, like she was planning her escape. “This isn’t like you.”

“I’ve changed. People can change.”

“You’re not being rational.”

“I don’t want to be rational. I’m through with being rational.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t think you’d take it so hard. But, Adam, you’re not that kind of guy. We had a great time together but it’s time to move on. A month from now you’ll have forgotten all about me.”

“But we’re meant for each other.”

She bit her lip. “Julie said I shouldn’t have come tonight.”

“Julie? Your sister?”

“She said you’d try to find a way to get me back and that it wasn’t healthy.”

“Get you back? Are we split up?”

“Adam, what do you think?”

“I thought we were just taking a break.”

“Well, it’s the same thing.”

“Is it? What else did your big sister say about me?”

“Nothing,” she said and looked away. Adam thought so Julie must have said a whole lot. He had no chance if the Beloved Julie was against him. Or perhaps it was Julie who had poisoned her mind against him in the first place. He could imagine the scene, her kitchen, Julie’s kitchen, a Starbucks.

“Don’t let him string you along. If he doesn’t want kids now he’ll never want them. His career always comes first with him. You have to do what’s best for you.”

“This is too good to just to throw away,” he said. “We make magic together, you and me.”

“Passion fades, Adam. Real love comes from friendship and suitability.”

“Is this your sister talking again?”

“I didn’t get this from my sister. It’s what I think.”

“Because it sounds just like the pocket philosophy she writes for that magazine. Did she give you a quiz to do as well?”

“I love you, Adam, but we have too many differences. It would never work out, you know that.”

“What differences?”

“You don’t want children, for one thing.”

“I just finished telling you, I’m willing to rethink that.”

“You’ve never wanted kids till now.”

“I never said I didn’t want children. I just don’t want them now.”

“If you don’t want them now, when will you want them?”

“What does that mean? I’m only thirty-two for God’s sake.”

“You’re married to the ER.”

That seemed like his cue. He reached for the small velvet box in his pocket. This would show her he was serious, that her damned sister and her newsstand psychobabble were wrong about him.

“I’ve met someone else.”

He slid the ring back in his pocket, feeling like the biggest fool in the whole goddamned world, just grateful he had not gone into the whole speech thing he had prepared.

“You’ve what, sorry?”

“I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Someone else? You cheated on me?”

She shook her head, brushed away a tear. What did that performance mean? “Not yet, or please don’t ask me?”

“It was good while it lasted.”

He slammed the flat of his hand on the table, spilling a glass. “You cheated on me?”

Everyone stared. Elena blushed scarlet and leaned towards him, breathing hard. “I swear, if you don’t keep your voice down, I’m leaving.”

He fought for control. A waiter came to the table, fussed over the spilled glass of wine. Adam wanted to grab him and throw him across the room: “Just leave it,” he said, “it doesn’t matter.”

He had to keep it together. “How could you do that?” he said, after the waiter had gone.

“You don’t want me, Adam, let’s face it. You’re not ready, and I am. Thank you for saying you’d do all those things but I don’t want to have babies with someone who’s just doing it for my benefit. That’s not my dream.”

“We’ll talk about this another time.”

“I’ve made up my mind, Adam. I’m sorry. It’s for the best. I’d never be a good doctor’s wife anyway.”

He couldn’t believe this was happening. This didn’t make sense.

But how many times had he done this to someone? This was the first time he had sat on the other side of the table and listened to the death sentence like this. He was supposed to be the one who made this speech.

“You said you loved being with me. You said I was like no man you’d ever been with.”

“And that’s all true. But I have to think of the future.”

She was so calm about it. He hated her, and he hated himself even more.

“You cheated on me?”

“I did not cheat on you!”

“You said you met someone else.”

“That’s not the reason we’re breaking up.”

“Yes it is, you said you met someone else. You’re cheating on me.”

“I’m not cheating.”

“Then what the fuck would you call it?” he said, and this time the whole room heard him. She sorted through her purse for a tissue. “Excuse me,” she said. She went to the bathroom.

He called for the check. He wondered at himself; just today a guy had produced a gun in the ER while he was working on a gangbanger bleeding out in Trauma 2, everyone had panicked except for him. He had stayed calm and clamped off the kid’s femoral artery, ignored the chaos even when the guy put two bullet holes in the ceiling. Eventually the two cops who brought in the gangbanger grabbed the guy and Tasered him.

He guessed his heart rate never went over eighty. Now his girlfriend said she was leaving him and he wanted to wreck the place.

He waited for her by the door. When she came out of the restroom they left without saying a word to each other. He knew that people were trying not to stare; he supposed they would be everyone’s topic of conversation when they left.

They got caught in traffic on Memorial Drive, there had been a pile up on the bridge. It was the rain, no one knew to slow down in this damned city. It was coming down harder now and the wiper blades couldn’t keep up.

“This is crazy,” he said. “You said it yourself. We were special. We
are
special.”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, “I didn’t want to hurt you, Adam. But let’s face it, you’re just not the marrying kind.”

“Do I know this guy?”

She shook her head.

“Is it someone from work?”

“I don’t want to talk about him. What’s the point?”

“How long have you been seeing him?”

“Stop it.”

“I think I have a right to know.”

“Why? What difference will it make?”

“Is it the same with him as it was with us? Is it? Is he better in bed than me? Does he make you laugh like I did?”

“Just stop it.” The traffic was backed up, just a smudge of red lights as far as he could see. He had to shout over the rain hammering on the roof.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Nothing’s been going on.”

“But you want it to. Is that right? That’s why we’re breaking up? So you don’t feel guilty jumping into bed with some other guy?”

He knew this was crazy talk, he was just running off at the mouth now, saying any damned thing.

The wipers were driving him nuts, he couldn’t get the speed right, they were either too slow and he couldn’t see through the sudden squalls or they were too fast and made a scraping sound on the windshield.

“You can’t do this to me,” he said.

“It’s not just about you.”

“DID YOU FUCKING SLEEP WITH HIM?”

She jumped out of the car just as another squall hit. He swore and jumped out of the car after her. What the hell was she doing, she was going to get soaked in this. The traffic started to move and the cars behind him punched their horns, someone leaned out and yelled at him. He had lost her anyway in the rain and the tangle of traffic.

He stood there in the rain, in the chaos, in the dark, and cursed back, at the driver behind him, at Boston, at the whole fuck-you world. He got back in the X5 and slammed the steering wheel with the flat of his hand. This couldn’t be happening.

He loved her.

He wouldn’t let her go.

Chapter 14

When someone experiences trauma there is often no pain at first. The body goes into shock, which works as a kind of anaesthetic. It doesn’t last. The nervous system can transit from numb to agony very quickly.

At first he couldn’t really believe it was over, and his life continued as normal. He worked long hours and tried to forget about it. It was only when he got home and there were no CDs lying on the carpet, no g-strings on the floor of the bathroom, no breakfast dishes in the sink, that he remembered how much he missed her.

He started to self medicate with rye and bourbon, and once or twice he missed the alarm and got to work a few minutes late. Bill grumbled at him, but it was nothing to worry about.

He went on a couple of dates. He told himself some novelty sex was the best remedy. They both worked in the ER, Fi - Fiona - a pretty blonde scrub nurse, and Jackie her supervisor. That wasn’t smart. When it inevitably got ugly he got another dressing down from Bill.

He felt even lonelier than before.

He supposed he had to give it time.

Chapter 15

He had never imagined he could be this way. He couldn’t sleep, every time he closed his eyes he kept thinking about her with another man. On dates he found himself staring dreamily off into space. He found fault with every girl he took out. He couldn’t manage small talk on his coffee breaks, so he spent the time in the ambulance bay smoking cigarettes.

He found a blouse of Elena’s in the closet and he could have mailed it back to her or thrown it in the trash but instead he kept it in a drawer and sometimes he would take it out and hold it to his face and breathe in the smell of her.

This was getting out of hand.

He knew he had to pull himself together but he couldn’t seem to shake it.

He stared at her favourite window seat, imagined her there. He thought about the way she used to sit there with her knees drawn up and a pen between her teeth, chewing on the end while she did the Sudoku in the newspaper.

He missed her contradictions, how she would go to bed in a T-shirt with a pink rabbit on it and read
Fifty Shades of Grey
; how she might put on the hottest, shortest black dress to go out to dinner and then inhale her mojito through a straw so that it made a sucking noise like a little kid.

He told himself these were predictable emotional attachments. It was just chemicals, everything was chemicals. Love was a heady cocktail of hormones and he had simply become intoxicated. A break-up was like getting over a bad hangover. Tomorrow he would wake up feeling better.

Then one day he got in the shower and started singing “River Deep Mountain High” with the Ike and Tina voices, just like they used to do, and he started laughing because it was funny, and when he got out of the shower he was still singing and then he sat down naked on the cold tiles and cried because it wasn’t funny on his own and he was just so fucking lonely.

* * *

He was finishing up the paperwork on a three-year-old who had been brought in after a febrile convulsion. The next patient was in 2A, he looked at the chart: “Severe back pain. History of bone cancer.”

His vital signs were all normal. If he were in severe pain he would at least have an elevated heart rhythm. His personal details listed an address in Sacramento but no photo ID. He pulled the curtain aside and stepped into the room.

He sat on the edge of the bed in a scruffy t-shirt and jeans, holding a grubby X-ray folder. He wondered how someone with severe back pain could stand to sit like that.