The Black Swan (37 page)

And the alternative? To go on as we were. I must say goodbye to real happiness. All through my life I must be prepared to accept a compromise … a second best.

Temptation came. Go to Joel … forget everything else. We had been cheated of our life together. Joel wanted us to take it … and so did I. But whatever I did, there could not be unalloyed happiness.

If I went with Joel, I should always remember Roland. I would never be able to forget his kind, patient eyes. I could picture his misery when he learned of my defection. Yet on the other hand if I went back to Roland, I would always remember Joel. He would never be out of my thoughts. Whichever way I turned, I could never be truly happy.

I saw Joel again. He came to the house. He was determined to see me, to plead with me.

I met him once more in the Gardens and we sat on the same seat and talked.

He asked a lot of questions about Roland and his sister. I explained how close they were, how their parents had been killed in a railway accident and how they had looked after each other ever since. He asked about the wool business. There was so little I could tell him. When I was in Yorkshire I should surely learn more about it. I was not very interested. I could think of nothing but what I was missing; and I was telling myself that I must not meet Joel again lest I found the temptation, to let everything go and be with him, irresistible.

I had been in London for a week and I was thinking that I must go back. Very soon now Bobby and Belinda would be leaving. Celeste wanted me to stay, but she knew that I was in some turmoil and she must have guessed it concerned Joel. Celeste had never intruded—unlike Belinda—and she had always been self-effacing. She was there … if one wanted her. Dear Celeste! Her life could not have been a happy one. Perhaps, I thought, few people’s are; and it is only the Belindas of this world who are so determined to get what they want that they almost invariably do.

There was a letter from Roland.

“My dearest Lucie,” he wrote,

We are always saying how sorry we are that you are not with us. The search has not been very fruitful. It is amazing how difficult it is to find suitable property up here.

Something has come up, though. There is a reasonably suitable house here to let. Phillida and I thought we would take it as somewhere to live while we looked around until we find the right place to buy. Obviously that is something which cannot be done in a few weeks … if we are going to find something we all really like.

We thought we’d stay in this house for a little while and search. How does that strike you?

Let me tell you the house is called Gray Stone House. It’s a few miles out of Bradford. There are stables and we could hire horses for a month or so. So that problem is solved. It’s in a sort of village—Bracken. I thought we might take the house for say three months and renew if necessary. I think it might take that time to find our place and furnish and do all that is necessary.

Do you think this is a good idea? We have taken the house tentatively. Phillida is delighted with it and she is sure you will be. It is furnished … after a fashion, and there are several rooms. It is by no means grand but adequate.

We thought you might join us here. It’s not worth our coming back. What about Wednesday next? Would that give you time? That is, of course, if all this is agreeable to you.

Phillida is very excited, but you know what she is. She likes things to move. I am sure you and she will thoroughly enjoy house-hunting together.

I am so looking forward to Wednesday. It seems such a long time without you.

I hope you are enjoying London, that Belinda and Bobby are well, and Celeste better.

With all my love,

Your devoted husband,

Roland

When I read the letter it seemed to put a seal on everything. Of course I must go to Yorkshire. I must put an end to my foolish dreaming of something which could never come to pass.

The night before Belinda and Bobby left she came to my room. I myself was leaving the following day. She looked at me with real concern in her eyes.

“I know what’s happening,” she said. “It’s Joel, isn’t it? You never really loved Roland. Well, he was nice and in love with you, and we all thought it would be good for you to marry. How were we to know Joel would come back? Oh, Lucie, I’m so sorry for you. It doesn’t seem fair somehow. You’ve always been good to me and I’ve been awful at times … and now here I am with my wonderful old Bobby … and Henry doing what we want and it’ll soon be through … and everything will be fine for us. I do think about you, though.”

“Thank you, Belinda.”

“You sound surprised.” She laughed. “I do really wish there was something I could do … for you, I mean. I’d like to show you that I do care about other people sometimes—particularly you. Not often, I grant you, but I should so love to help you.”

“There isn’t anything you can do, Belinda. It’s all so clear. I shall have to go up to Yorkshire. It’ll be all right. It has been so far.”

“Oh yes. It
seemed
all right because we thought Joel was dead and you got on well with Roland … and there were the three of you. It seemed cozy … but it was really the next best thing, wasn’t it? It was because you thought Joel was gone forever and you were making do with what was left. There’s nothing you can do when people are dead … but when they’re living … well, I think you should try everything.”

“I appreciate your concern, but you needn’t worry. I shall go to Yorkshire and it will work out all right.”

“You’re really going to get a house up there?”

“That’s the idea.”

“When are you going?”

“Almost at once. They have found a house which they are renting. It’s near Bradford which I believe is the center of the wool trade.”

“That’s miles away.”

“Not so far really. We shall get a house nearer Bradford, but just at first we shall be in—or near—a little village called Bracken. It sounds rather rural.”

“It will be lonely up there.”

“Oh, there are stables and we shall have horses. In any case, we shall be busy looking at houses and then, when we have found one, getting it ready to move into. We shall not, I suppose, be long in Gray Stone House.”

“That’s the name of this house in this Bracken place, is it? Gray Stone House?”

“Yes, that is it.”

“Gray Stone sounds dreary.”

“Most stone is grayish and the country round about will be beautiful. But as I say, we shall only be there a short while.”

She came to me impulsively and put her arms round me.

“I’ll be thinking of you, Lucie.”

“And I of you.”

“I do wish that you and Joel … I think that would be so wonderful. You’re just right for each other.”

“Please, Belinda …”

She went on, “Roland’s a dear, but he is a little dull … isn’t he? Not like a politician going on missions and getting kidnapped.”

“That’s nothing to do with it, Belinda.”

“You’re going to change your mind,” she said, her eyes lighting up. “You’re going to do something. You’re going to be bold.”

“I am going to Yorkshire, Belinda. I shall be with my husband.”

“To old Gray Stone House … in that Bracken place.”

I nodded.

“Oh, Lucie … Lucie …!”

I was surprised, for there were genuine tears in her eyes.

I avoided Joel before I left. I dared not see him, for I felt the temptation to leave everything and go with him would be too great to resist.

Belinda and Bobby had gone. They were very tender toward me. I told them how happy I was that their affairs seemed to be working out to their satisfaction.

Belinda said, “You must come and stay with us soon, mustn’t she, Bobby?”

“The sooner the better,” added Bobby.

“It would be nice if you were there when the baby was born.”

“We must arrange that,” said Bobby.

How happy they were, in spite of their difficulties. Belinda had no doubt that they would soon be overcome and she carried Bobby along with her.

What would Belinda have done in my position? I asked myself. She would have gone with Joel. I had no doubt of that. Any trouble which ensued would be settled by others.

But I knew I had to go to Roland.

Celeste was sorry to see me leave. She wanted to come with me to the station, but I hated platform good-byes and said it would be better for me to go alone.

When I arrived at the station I was surprised to see Joel there. He had called at the house and Celeste had told him that I had already left.

He came onto the platform with me and saw me onto the train. He stood looking at me pleadingly.

“It’s not too late, Lucie,” he said. “Don’t go.”

“I must, Joel.”

The guard was blowing his whistle and in seconds the train would begin to move. He took my hand and held it as though he would never let it go.

He said, “Lucie, if you would change your mind … I’ll be waiting.”

I saw him through a haze of tears as we began to move out of the station.

A
FLY HAD BROUGHT
me from the station and as soon as I entered Gray Stone House a feeling of chill descended on me. I did not know why I should feel this, for it was much as I had expected. Built of gray stone, as its name indicated, rather ugly and somewhat isolated. It was that isolation which struck me at once.

The country was of the moorland type—flattish and craggy. I could see for miles around and there was only one sign of habitation on the horizon. It looked as though it might be a farmhouse.

Phillida was watching me anxiously.

“We’re not very far from Bradford,” she told me. “And we shan’t be here long.”

“No, I suppose not.”

“Come and see the house.”

I stepped into a hall and my sense of despondency deepened. I told myself that it was because I was thinking of Joel … of never seeing him again … turning my back on true love and accepting that for which I had once been grateful, before I was absolutely sure of the depth of my feeling for Joel.

The hall was darkish, for the windows of Gray Stone House were small and leaded, but fairly large and there were several doors leading out of it.

“The first thing is for Lucie to inspect the property,” declared Phillida, “always remembering, Lucie dear, that it is not for long.”

Roland put his arm through mine. “The house we shall have will be quite different,” he said. “But it seemed a good idea to take this for a short period.”

“Other people’s furniture never seems right,” commented Phillida. “I suppose it is because it is not what one would have chosen oneself.”

She threw open one of the doors and disclosed what I supposed was a drawing room. It was heavily curtained and again I was aware of the darkness. There was a fireplace with a mantelshelf on which were two vases, decorated with flowers, and an ormolu clock. The room was conventionally furnished with a couch and several chairs. The dining room, laundry room and kitchen were all close together. As soon as Phillida opened the kitchen door I saw Kitty.

“Hello, Kitty,” I said.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Fitzgerald,” said Kitty.

“Of course, we had to bring Kitty with us,” explained Phillida. “She looks after us very well, don’t you, Kitty?”

“I do my best,” mumbled Kitty. “I expect you’re ready for dinner.”

“How right you are!” cried Phillida.

She shut the door and cried, “Oh, while you’re here, I must show you. There’s another room down here. It’s quite small but it suits me. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve claimed it as mine. It’s my little herbary.”

“This will be where you keep your remedies,” I said.

“Exactly.”

There was a trunk in one corner and, seeing my eyes stray to it, Phillida went on, “There was no room for that upstairs. It’s rather weighty too. It’s got some books and clothes in it. I said they needn’t bother to take it up. After all, we’re not going to be here long.”

“You know what Phillida is with her herbs,” said Roland.

“Oh, yes, I’ve been missing the nightcap while I’ve been away.”

“And obviously you are in need of it. You don’t look so good as when we last saw you—but you are going to be better now.”

“Of course … when she is with us, I hope,” said Roland, smiling fondly at me. And I thought, how could I ever hurt them? But what of Joel? Wasn’t I hurting him?

“You are very pensive, Lucie dear,” said Phillida breezily. “I don’t think you are exactly enamoured of the house.”

“Well, as you say, it is only a starting-off point.”

“Exactly. That’s just it. Come on. Let’s show you upstairs. There are four rooms … a largish bedroom which has been designated to you and Roland. The next in size shall be mine. And there are two other smaller bedrooms.”

We inspected the bedrooms and I saw the short spiral staircase which led to the attics.

“Kitty’s quarters,” said Phillida.

“Will she be able to manage the house?”

“Yes … for the time we are here. As we keep saying, it isn’t going to be very long.”

“I’m sure it is not,” added Roland.

Phillida looked at him and laughed. “It really is so exciting,” she said.

I wished I could agree with her.

Darkness fell. Kitty filled lamps with paraffin oil and lighted the wicks. The place looked dismal in the shrouded glow they gave. I felt an impulse to run out of the house.

In the dining room we partook of the stew which Kitty had made. It was hot, quite appetizing and I felt better. Roland was watching me anxiously.

“You’ll get used to it,” he said quietly. “Remember it isn’t going to be for long. We’ll soon find something, then you’ll laugh at all this.”

“I think it’s fine,” said Phillida.

Kitty had made an apple pie which she brought in proudly.

“The oven’s quite good,” she said.

“You’ve done wonders, Kitty,” Phillida told her. “Don’t you think so, Lucie?”

“Oh, yes, I do.”

When the meal was over I said I would finish my unpacking.

Roland said he wanted to go out to look at the stables and see about horses for us. He had wanted to consult me and tomorrow would go and see what he could find.