The Birth Order Book (34 page)

But let me ask you: Are you perfect? Do you do everything perfectly all the time? Well, then why would you expect your child to be perfect? Don’t you sometimes do stupid things that you wish you wouldn’t have done? Don’t you sometimes fail at something you’ve worked really hard on?

Instead of trying to be a perfect parent who has a perfect child, why not strive for excellence, doing the job to the best of your ability? (Remember the difference between excellence and perfectionism that we talked about in chapter 6?) Allow your child to do her job to the best of her ability, but without the pressure.

Also, what about forgiveness? Do you find it easy to forgive your children when they do something wrong (or stupid)? When Jesus told Peter that he should forgive seventy times seven, he was basically saying, “Forgive indefinitely.” And no one needs to learn about forgiveness more than the critical-eyed parent who pursues perfection. You may do it politely and sweetly, but as you enforce your perfectionistic will on your children, are you showing them forgiveness for their mistakes, or are you judging them (all in the name of trying to help them, of course)?

No one needs to learn about forgiveness more than the critical-eyed parent who pursues perfection.

The best way to learn to forgive is to ask for forgiveness yourself. Has your 3-year-old firstborn or only child ever heard you say, “I blew it. I was wrong. I forgot. I’m sorry”? Has your 13-year-old ever heard you say any of those things freely and openly? A lot of parents choke on those words, particularly the ones who are firstborn or only-child perfectionists themselves.

If you realize that you have a critical eye, to any degree, what should you do? It won’t work to confess that you’re guilty and tell yourself you’ll never do it again . . . because you will. Again and again. It’s because that critical eye is ingrained into your personality and lifestyle. What will work? When you find yourself slipping into perfectionistic overdrive, stop and shift gears. Ask your child to forgive you, and forgive yourself (perhaps the hardest of all). If you’re a person of faith, ask God almighty for his help in changing your personality from a pursuer of perfection to a pursuer of excellence.

All children need encouragement more than prodding.

It also helps to remember that all children need encouragement more than prodding. Learn to simply hold your child when he or she is having problems. Just say, “Everything’s going to be okay. What’s the problem? Is something not working out right for you? Would you like me to help?”

Remember little Emily—the 5-year-old discouraged perfectionist who went ballistic when she couldn’t cut out the perfect circle? Emily, by the way, grew up to be a perfectionistic career woman who went ballistic when her husband didn’t do his share of the housework. She had to do it all herself after a long day of working. Emily and her husband wound up in my office, and I tried to explain what had happened to her and how much better it would have been if her mom or dad could have helped her learn to cut less-than-perfect circles. They could have said, “It’s hard; I don’t always cut perfect ones myself. I remember how hard it was when I was small.”

The point is that teaching kids to seek excellence instead of perfectionism can start when they’re very young.

Picture this classic scene: Mom is tired of the 4-year-old’s messy toy box and messy room and sends him in there to clean it all up. But there’s a problem. The task looks gigantic to the 4-year-old. Toys and books and crayons and puzzles are scattered from one end of the room to the other. How can he possibly do this?

He never will do it unless you, the parent, follow him into the room, sit down, and say something such as, “There’s a lot to do here, isn’t there? While you pick up your toys, I’ll talk to you about what we’re going to do tonight after dinner.” Chances are, the kid will get on with the job and at least get part of the room cleaned up. If getting certain items in good order is extremely difficult, you can give limited help. But the last thing you should do is clean up most of it yourself.

If getting certain items in good order is extremely difficult, you can give limited help. But the last thing you should do is clean up most of it yourself.

The idea is to get the child to do the job as you encourage him and show him how to organize the crayons, puzzles, and toy pieces. If he doesn’t get everything just right, don’t berate him or come along behind him and straighten everything up for him. The key is:
be satisfied with a less-than-perfect job.
(The room is going to look less than perfect soon anyway.)

The great temptation for the perfectionist, critical-eyed parent is to send messages to the child that say,
You have to measure up, kid. You have to do an absolutely flawless job, or I won’t approve
.

The great temptation for the perfectionist, critical-eyed parent is to send messages to the child that say,
You have to measure up, kid. You have to do an absolutely flawless job, or I won’t approve
.

Please be assured that I am
not
saying you should let a child get away with goofing off or not doing the job at all. With true reality discipline in mind, hold him accountable for his responsibilities. But that doesn’t mean you have to demand that he be perfect. Relax your perfectionistic rules a bit. Maybe part of cleaning up the room is making the bed. Since 4 is a bit young to make beds, you may have the child help you, but be sure he does as much as he can, and if it’s wrinkled in spots, congratulate him but
don’t do it over for him
. So what if some of it looks like a toy truck got left under the covers? You can shut the door, and no one needs to see it.

Steer away from giving orders, and move toward helping your child do things. Remember, you are the child’s role model, not his sergeant or supervisor.

As you learn to be flexible, steer away from giving orders, and move toward helping your child do things. Remember, you are the child’s role model, not his sergeant or supervisor. Few parents completely understand what I mean when I talk about being a role model. I’m not just suggesting that you set a good example for the child. You should, but there is much more to being a role model than that, especially for the firstborn or only child. He or she has no brother or sister to look to or pattern.
You
are what he or she has to pattern, and you are an awesome act to follow! So look for ways to show your child that you’re human, that you understand, that you aren’t perfect, and that mistakes are not the end of the world. In other words:

F
LAUNT
Y
OUR
I
MPERFECTIONS!

Every time you do this, you help your firstborn or only child become less of a perfectionist who grows up to whip and drive himself with expectations that are far beyond human capacity.

One way to show your child you’re not perfect is to ask him or her for help now and then. I don’t mean simply helping with the baby or doing simple chores, as good as those things are. I’m talking about a deeper level where you ask your young child questions such as:

“Will you help me decide what to have for dinner tonight?”

“Where do you think is the best place to put these flowers so we can all enjoy them?”

“Do you think your little sister is old enough to play this game?”

In deciding about dinner, it might be wise to give the child a choice and ask if he would prefer chicken or hamburger; otherwise you may wind up with a request for peanut butter sandwiches, Oreo cookies, and lots of ice cream. You can give him some choices for dessert, but again, they should be choices that you know everyone will like.

Keep in mind that you are new at all this, and all children make mistakes—just as their parents do. So go easy on trying to turn out the world’s first perfectly behaved child. I can assure you it isn’t going to happen anyway—none of mine even made it. And
my
parents would have assured you that I didn’t either!

Here are some great tips to keep in mind.

8 Tips for Parenting Firstborns and Only Children

1. When disciplining the firstborn child, beware of reinforcing his ingrained perfectionism by “shoulding” him all the time. Actually, it’s not wise to “should” anyone in your family, but when the firstborn hears “should,” it’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull. The firstborn is already “shoulding” himself, and when you chime in, it’s a double whammy. First, he resents it, and second, he is all the harder on himself in private, which will keep lowering his self-esteem and probably make him harder to deal with.

2. Don’t be an “improver” on everything your firstborn or only child says or does. It’s just one more deadly way to reinforce his or her already ingrained perfectionism. Accept the slightly wrinkled bed, the not-quite-cleaned-up room, or whatever your child has done. When you do it over, you only send a message that your child is not measuring up.

3. Realize the firstborn has a particular need to know exactly what the rules are. Be patient and take time to lay things out for your firstborn from A to Z.

4. Recognize the firstborn’s first place in the family. As the oldest, the firstborn should get some special privileges to go along with the additional responsibilities that always seem to come his or her way.

5. Take two-on-one time—both parents out with the oldest child alone. A firstborn responds better to adult company than children of any other birth order. A firstborn often feels that her parents don’t pay much attention to her because they’re always concentrating on the younger ones in the family. Make a special effort to have the firstborn join you and your spouse in going out alone for a treat, or to run some kind of special errand.

6. Stay away from making your firstborn your instant babysitter. At least try to check with your firstborn to see if his or her schedule would allow for some babysitting later in the day or that evening.

7. As your firstborn grows older, be sure you don’t pile on more responsibilities. Give some of the responsibilities to the younger children as soon as they are capable of taking on these jobs. One firstborn told me at a seminar, “I’m the garbage person.” By that he meant that he had to do everything at home while his brother and sister got off much easier.

8. When your firstborn is reading to you and has trouble with a word, don’t be so quick to jump in with a correction. A firstborn is extremely sensitive to criticism and being corrected. Give the child time to sound out the word. Give help only when she asks for it.

14
Two May Be Company . . .
or a Crowd
Parenting the Two-Child Family

S
ande and I had decided to take Holly, our then 25-year-old daughter, out to dinner. Just her and us for a change, without the rest of the Leman clan. After ordering, we all settled back in our chairs, and Holly said with a big smile, “This is how it was supposed to be!”

Sande and I laughed as hard as Holly because we both knew what she meant. At age 25 she was still good-naturedly acknowledging that having siblings—particularly her arch–rival, secondborn sister Krissy—had not been all sweetness, light, and roses. She bore a few scars from dethronement, but here—for one night at least—she would enjoy a moment of triumph and have Mom and Dad all to herself!

And the Rivalry Begins

If parenting firstborns means preventing discouraged perfectionists, parenting secondborns means watching out for rivalries.

It all begins when that firstborn is dethroned and suddenly has to share the summit of the mountain with little secondborn. These days, more and more families get only that far—a first and a second—so it’s well worth our time to devote a chapter to parenting the two-child family.

It’s a lot like the car rental companies Hertz and Avis. While the analogy isn’t perfect, in a way Avis came along and tried to dethrone Hertz. And how did they do it? By trying harder, of course, which is exactly what the secondborn may do when he or she looks up and sees the firstborn at the top of the family. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the copywriter who thought up that famous tagline that Avis used for years—“When you’re number two, you have to try harder”—was a secondborn child!

I wouldn’t be surprised if the copywriter who thought up that famous tag line that Avis used for years—“When you’re number two, you have to try harder”—was a secondborn child!

Whenever a secondborn child arrives, some key principles are always at work, such as secondborn children develop their own lifestyle, according to the perceptions they have about themselves and the key persons in their lives.

Needless to say, that older sibling is a key person in the secondborn’s life. We’ve already touched on the fact that for every child in the family, it’s always the next one up on the “ladder” who influences him or her the most—the secondborn by the firstborn, the thirdborn by the secondborn, and so on.

Secondborns may compete with an older brother or sister in various ways. Some do it quite openly, others are a bit more clever—even a bit sneaky—in trying to reach their goal.

One of the classic examples of a sneaky secondborn who put it over on his big brother is the ages-old story of Jacob and Esau. I sometimes wonder if parents Isaac and Rebekah didn’t make some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy when they named their twin boys. They called their firstborn Esau (meaning “hairy,” which he was), and they called their secondborn Jacob (meaning “supplanter”—someone who usurps the position of another, which he did).