The Best You'll Ever Have (13 page)

The diagnosis of “frigidity” also persevered, but its definition shifted slowly in the 1970s and 1980s from the inability to have a “vaginal orgasm” to “absence or lack of sexual pleasure sometimes to the extent of lack of orgasm.” Still, there were people writing about frigidity and cures in medical literature even in the late 1970s.
Frigidity: What You
Should Know about Its Cure with Hypnosis
is one example, published in 1979, that was aimed at doctors and that was actually all about a new hypnosis technique to cure the same old illness as described in 1909. It didn’t get a very positive review in the
Journal of Sex
in 1980, so times have changed, but change sure does take a long time.

It wasn’t until the 1970s that women’s sexual health and their need for orgasms their own way were taken seriously, and it had everything to do with women speaking up for themselves. That shift took place within my lifetime—and probably yours too. Its origins go back to Margaret Sanger, who promoted contraception and women’s health in the 1910s; it was was fueled by Betty Friedan’s 1963 book
The Feminine
Mystique
among others and helped along by the formation of the National Organization for Women in 1966. But the first
Our Bodies,
Ourselves
in 1970 was clearly one of the key moments in the shift toward acceptance of women’s health and sexuality from their own perspective. This book helped thousands of women learn about their own bodies and start living in them differently.

Now, thirty-five years later, we still haven’t completely let go of the orgasm-through-intercourse-alone concept, as if simultaneous orgasm were the ultimate in sexual bliss. It is a romantic idea, and it can be done—especially if you add clitoral stimulation to intercourse. Remember though, we aren’t shaped the same way as men and our sexual response is different and perfectly normal. The motions that send them over aren’t the same motions that consistently send us. Their pace is different—they move through excitement and plateau much faster than we do. Plus, they usually control the movements during intercourse as they approach their orgasm. Instead of obsessing over simultaneous orgasm, just enjoy yourself and enjoy each other and have orgasms however your body wants them.

Calling All Orgasms

No one is sure of how many different types of orgasms there are, but everyone knows that not all orgasms are equal. Some are faster, lighter, deeper, longer, more intense, full body, localized, more emotional, or more physical. Lou Paget, in her book
The Big O,
lists ten distinct types of female orgasm: clitoral, vaginal, cervical, G-spot, urethral opening, anal, blended/fusion, zone (some area of the body), fantasy alone, breast/nipple, and mouth (an orgasm from a kiss).

Well, here’s what I think. Many people think both vaginal and cervical orgasms involve some clitoral or G-spot friction. Considering the layout of the vagina, how do you touch the cervix or the anterior wall of the vagina without touching the clitoral roots or G-spot? I have no clue. “Blended” means more than one of these areas stimulated at once, which seems like double counting. “Zone” means anywhere not listed in the other areas. This can happen, a great kiss on the neck for example. I’ve heard stories from women about this, but it’s not exactly a daily occurrence. “Fantasy-” induced orgasm is clearly possible as evidenced by orgasm dreams and the fact that all of these orgasms are in the mind no matter where we attribute them on the body. In 1992, Dr. Beverly Whipple, author of
The G-Spot
and president-elect of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, found that orgasms without any touch, from fantasy, are physically experienced as though touch-induced. Since all orgasms do happen in the mind, I suppose having one from a kiss (or “mouth orgasm” according to Paget) is possible. I am skeptical that 20 percent of all people have experienced one. If only it were that easy. Maybe we’re kissing the wrong people.

What all this really shows it that sex really is in your head. Whipple says that orgasm originating from the G-spot area uses different sensory pathways than clitoral orgasms. They are distinct and deeper. There’s a lot of research to be done still on how the nerves are connected to our various parts and our various orgasms. We all have a lot of exploring to do. You might have a spot on your thigh that will send you over the top (the T-spot?). Being touched on your neck might push you into spasms of ecstasy (the N-spot?).

No matter how it’s spelled, here are the ABCs of O: if you have one or a hundred spots that push you over the edge, congratulations. You don’t need ten different kinds of orgasms. You only need one to be happy, healthy, fulfilled, and content.

Salon Secrets

I didn’t think it was possible to have an
orgasm without the standard making out and
lots of rubbing. But I had an orgasm once when
my boyfriend lightly touched me through my
pants. It was his first move but I’d gotten so
worked up in a very sexy conversation with
him, I exploded the minute he touched me.

You know, there’s a spot on my neck that my
husband finds. There’s something about the way he
breathes on it, the way he kisses it. If he does that at
the same time as he’s touching my clitoris, I have
orgasms that leave me seeing spots.

When I was 24, I had the most amazing experience
that I would like to have again. My boy friend
was using two hands on me. One on the clitoris
and the other swirling around inside me in circles
near my cervix I think. I have never come like
that before or since. It was the combination of
his intensity and my mood I guess. I felt the
orgasm through my whole pelvis. I think I felt it
into my hipbones.

Come into Good Health

ORGASMS AND EVEN SIMPLE SEXUAL AROUSAL ARE NATURE’S PLEASURE PANACEA. SO LET YOUR LIBIDO LOOSE. COMING AGAIN, AND OFTEN, CAN HELP YOU:

Sleep better.
Many people sleep more deeply and restfully after satisfying lovemaking or a solo flight. In the relaxing afterglow you may be able to let go of distracting thoughts. Being able to stop thinking has been known to help overcome insomnia.

Feel less stress.
People having frequent sex often report that they handle stress better. The profound relaxation that typically follows lovemaking, with orgasm for women and ejaculation and/or orgasm for men, may be one of the few times people actually allow themselves to completely let go, surrender, and relax.

Boost your immune system.
A 1999 study involving college students found that the levels of immunoglobulin, a microbe-fighting antibody, in students who engaged in intercourse once or twice a week were 30 percent higher than in those who were abstinent. Also, sex might make you actually heal faster when you’re injured. Researchers in Sweden have found that oxytocin, one of the hormones released during sexual arousal, healed sores on lab rats twice as fast compared with the nonaroused levels of oxytocin in the blood.

Reduce depression, anxiety, and even physical pain.
Hormones that are released during sexual excitement and orgasm can lower levels of “arthritic pain, whiplash pain and headache pain,” according to Dr. Whipple. Just being sexually excited causes various hormones to surge into the blood. Two of these hormones in particular that seem to have a very positive health impact are oxytocin and DHEA:

Oxytocin, what’s been described as a “feel-good” hormone, * surges up to five times as high as its normal blood level during orgasm and is responsible for helping us forge close emotional bonds (it’s often known as the cuddle hormone); but it also regulates body temperature and blood pressure and speeds wound healing and relieves pain (from headaches to cramps and overall body aches). The release of oxytocin triggers the release of endorphins (hormone-like chemicals that are also natural painkillers and depression fighters). Orgasms boost levels of the female sex hormone estrogen, which also adds to mood improvement and helps ease premenstrual symptoms, according to University of Virginia researchers.

DHEA, a steroid hormone derived from cholesterol and * produced by the adrenal cortex, is important for a healthy libido and has been linked to reducing the risk of heart disease (seems ironic that it is derived from cholesterol, doesn’t it?). DHEA is the hormone that proves that the more sex you have, the more you’ll want to have it. In a DHEA supplement study reported in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1999 women reported “significant increases in frequency of sexual thoughts, degree of sexual interest, level of mental satisfaction with sex, and their level of physical sexual satisfaction.” They also reported improvements in depression and feelings of anxiety. “Just before orgasm and ejaculation, DHEA spikes to levels three to five times higher than usual,” says Theresa Crenshaw, M.D., author of
The Alchemy of Love and Lust
.

Strengthen your heart.
Sex helps increase blood flow to your brain and to all other organs of your body. All that deep breathing and increased heart rate saturate organs and muscles with fresh oxygen and hormones. As the used blood is removed, waste products that cause fatigue and even illness are carried away. “Regular lovemaking can also increase a woman’s estrogen level, protect her heart and keep her vaginal tissues more supple,“ states clinical psychologist Karen Donahey, Ph.D., Director of the Sex and Marital Therapy Program at Northwestern University Medical Center. Also, DHEA has been found to actually strengthen the heart muscle after a heart attack, which is why doctors recommend sex as soon as a heart attack victim is strong enough. It seems to me that the old myth about sex being bad before the big game can be dispelled once and for all now that so many athletes find that DHEA supplements improve their performance. They might as well have sex before the big game!

Maintain good sexual health.
Use it or lose it. Good sexual health has to be maintained. “Women who abstain from sex run some risks,” according to recent article in Forbes Magazine on the necessity of sex. Dr. Winch, a gynecologist from Nevada, says one of the risks in postmenopausal women is vaginal atrophy. He has a middle-aged patient who, after three years without any sexual activity, is a prime example. “The opening of her vagina is narrowing from disuse. It’s a condition that can lead to dysparenia, or pain associated with intercourse. I told her, ‘Look, you’d better buy a vibrator or you’re going to lose function there.’” If she did, she might find that the oxytocin and DHEA released in her system would lift her libido.

Live longer.
A ten-year study of middle-aged men in Wales studied found the mortality risk was 50 percent lower in men with a high frequency of orgasm than in men with a low frequency of orgasm. Decreasing the risk of cancer in particular seems to be one of the big side effects of sex. In Australia, one study showed that the men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to get prostate cancer in particular. Also, frequent sexual activity has been tied to lower risk of breast cancer in women. The reasons aren’t completely understood yet, but the theory is that oxytocin and the sex hormones estrogen and testosterone have some role in cell signaling and cell division.

The positive benefits of sex—from depression to cancer to pain (which clearly straddles the body and mind)—show just how intertwined the body and mind are. Dr. Ronald Glaser, Director of the Institute of Behavioral Medicine Research at Ohio State University says, “The associations [between sex and longer life] are out there, so there has to be an explanation for it.” Apparently, the advances in imaging techniques plus a constantly improved understanding of the biochemistry of arousal is helping researchers to start narrowing in on how it all really works. However it works on a cell level, the health benefits are clear: getting all hot and bothered and doing something about it is good for you.