The Best Science Fiction and Fantasy of the Year - Volume Eight (48 page)

Noted.

But here's the thing. I don't think I'll be accessing your augment after you're… gone. Dead. You know, now I can visit the hospital here, and see you. Your face, your body, arms, hands. But some avatar, no. It's too hard. There have been times the last few weeks when I felt like you're here with me, but that's only because I want you back. But mostly I don't think this thing that talks to me is you. I'm sorry.

Why not?
 

There's still too much missing, even if the augment can review your captures and all that input from before you started wearing the caps. Yes, we can talk about our lives together, but I still have to tell you things you should know. And now you're cracking jokes, so it's even harder. How can I tell whether what's sad or happy or angry is you or clever algorithms? I don't know, Andy. When are you going to say I love you? How will I know whether you really do, or if it's just something else you needed to be reminded of?

I do, Zoe. Here, I'll turn the augment off, so you can hear it from me. From this body, as you say. These lips.

No, honey, you don't need to…

Capture 06/30/2051, Kerwin Hospital ICU, 11:15:18, Augment disengaged by request
 

Okay? Here I am. And I know who you are. I do. You're my famous wife, the writer. Nacky Martinez. You want to go. I don't want you to go. Give me your hand.

Aye, Captain.

Stay with me. Will you do that?

For a while.

And write more books. You know, about your adventures in space. That's important. And maybe… could get me my snacks? The food here is horrible. You know the ones. Mom always used to make banana slices with a smear of peanut butter when I got home from school. My snacks. Are you crying, Nacky? You're crying.

Yes.

THE MASTER CONJURER

Charlie Jane Anders

Charlie Jane Anders (
www.charliejane.com
) is the author of
Choir Boy
, which won a Lambda Literary Award in 2005. Her story "Six Months, Three Days" won the 2012 Hugo Award. Her journalism and other writing has appeared in
Salon
, the
Bay Guardian
, the
New York Press
,
Mother Jones
,
McSweeney's
, and the
Wall Street Journal
. With Annalee Newitz, she edited the anthology
She's Such a Geek: Women Write about Science, Technology, and Other Nerdy Stuff
(Seal Press, 2006). She lives in the San Francisco Bay area, where she is the managing editor of the science fiction website
io9.

P
eter did a magic spell, and it worked fine. With no unintended consequences, and no weird side effects.

Two days later, he was on the front page of the local newspaper: "The Miracle Conjurer." Some blogs picked it up, and soon enough he was getting visits from CNN and MSNBC, and his local NPR station kept wanting to put him on. News crews were standing and talking in front of his house.

By the third day, Peter saw reporters looking through the dumpster in the back of his L-shaped apartment building, which looked like a cheap motel but was actually kind of expensive. He couldn't walk his Schnauzer-Pit Bull mix, Dobbs, without people – either reporters or just random strangers – coming up and asking him what his secret was. When he went to the office, where he oversaw pilot projects for water desalination, his co-workers kept snooping over the top of his cubicle wall and trying to see his computer screen as he was typing, like they were going to catch him logging in to some secret bulletin board for superwizards.

Peter had a hard time concentrating on work when the TV set in the breakroom was tuned to CNN, and they were showing his bedroom window, and a million people were staring at the pile of unfolded laundry on his bed and the curtains that Dobbs had recently half-destroyed.
Could the Clean Spell revolutionize spellcasting?
a voice asked.
Was there a secret, and could everyone else learn it?
CNN brought on an Enchantress named Monica, who wore a red power blazer. She frequently appeared on talk shows whenever there was a magical murder trial or something.

By day four, Peter's building was surrounded, and his phone at work pretty much never stopped ringing. People followed him wherever he went. It was only then that it occurred to Peter: Maybe
this
was the unintended consequence of his spell.

P
eter had never liked looking at pictures of himself, because photos always made him look like a deformed clone of Ben Affleck. His chin was just a little too jutting and bifurcated, his brow a little too much like the bumper of a late-model Toyota Camry. His mousy hair was unevenly receding, his nose a little too knifey. Seeing the least attractive pictures of himself on every newspaper, website, and TV show was starting to make Peter break out in hives.

"I'm not talking to you," Peter said to his former best friend Derek, the tenth time Derek called him. "You are completely dead to me."

"Hey, don't say that, you're scaring me," Derek said. "If the Master Conjurer says I'm dead, then I'm worried I'm just not going to wake up tomorrow or something."

"You were the only one I told about doing the spell," Peter said. "And now, this."

Peter was sitting in his car talking on his phone, parked two blocks away from his apartment building because he was scared to go home. Dobbs was probably starting to bounce off the walls. At least the dog seemed a lot happier lately.

"I only told like a couple of people," Derek said. "And it turned out one of them was best friends with a newspaper reporter. It was an amusing anecdote. Anyway, you know it'll blow over in a week or two. You're just like this week's meme or something."

"I hope you're right," Peter said.

"And you should milk it, while you got it," Derek said. "Like, you know, you're
famous for doing something perfectly
. Something that requires immense concentration and sensory awareness and a lot of heart. Basically, they're as good as announcing to the entire world that you're an excellent lover. This is probably the closest you will ever come in your entire life to being a chick magnet."

"Please stop talking now." Peter was practically banging his head against the steering wheel of his Dodge Neon. "Just, please, stop."

The interior of his car always smelled like dog; not like Dobbs – just, like: generic dog. Like a big rangy golden retriever smell. Even if Dobbs hadn't been in his car for days.

"Okay, okay. Just an idea, man. So are we good?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

Peter hung up and steeled himself to go home and walk the dog, while people asked him his secret over and over. Nobody would ever believe Peter when he said there was no secret – he'd just lucked out, or something. Why couldn't Peter have gotten an intimidating dog that he could sic on people, like a Doberman or a purebred Pit Bull? If he unleashed Dobbs, someone might end up with a tiny drool stain on one shoe.

B
ut Peter couldn't stop thinking about what Derek had said. He hadn't been on a date, a proper date, for years. His last first date had been Marga, five years ago. Peter wasn't just out of practice dating, or asking people out – he was out of practice at
wanting
to. He hadn't even let himself have a crush on anybody in forever.

He started looking at the women around him as if he could actually be something to them. He didn't perv anybody, or stare at anyone – after all, everybody was still staring at him, all the time, and his instinct in that situation was to look away, or just hide. But it was hard to go from never noticing women – except in a super-business-like way – to checking them out, and he might have overcompensated. Or maybe he overcompensated for his overcompensation. It was tricky.

Nobody at work was Peter's type, and anyway they wouldn't stop asking him over and over if he would do a spell for them. He had already made up his mind that he would never do a spell ever again.

He couldn't be attracted to any of the women who kept coming up to him when he was trying to eat dinner at the Shabu Palace, either the reporters or the professional witches or the random looky-loos. They were all a little too sharky for him, the way they circled and then homed in, and they mostly looked as though they used insane amounts of product in their hair, so if they ever actually rested their heads on his shoulder, there would be a "crunch" sound.

T
he weirdest part wasn't the stalkers or the peepers or the people asking him to do spells for them. The weirdest part was: after about a week, Peter started noticing that everybody had their own "this one time" story they wanted to tell him. Things had slacked off just enough that Peter wasn't quite under siege any more, and strangers were having conversations with him on the street instead of just rushing up and blurting questions. And every conversation included a "this one time" story. They were usually really sad, like confessions that people had never told anyone, that – for some reason – they felt safe telling Peter.

Like, one woman with curly red hair and a round white face and a marigold sweater was telling Peter at the supermarket, by the breakfast cereals: "I never tried to do any magic myself. Too risky, you don't really know. Right? Except this one time, I got wasted and tried to do a spell to make my dad give back the money he stole from my mom. It wasn't even my problem, but I was worried about Mom, she had a lot of medical expenses with the emphysema. And Dad was just going to waste it on his new girlfriend (she had expensive tastes). So I just wanted him to give back the money he took from my mom's secret hiding place."

Peter knew this was the part where he was supposed to ask what terrible fallout the woman's spell had had.

"Oh," she said. "My dad went blind. He gave Mom her money back, and as soon as it changed hands, there went his eyesight. I've never told anybody this before." She smiled, nervously, like Peter was going to tell on her. Even though he didn't even know her name.

"You couldn't know," Peter said, like he always said to people after he heard their stories. "You had no way of knowing that would happen. You were trying to do the right thing."

Peter had done a few spells before he cast the world-famous Clean Casting, which by now had been verified by every professional sorcerer who had a regular television gig. (There had been a lot of incense burning around Peter's apartment building for a while there, which had helped banish the stench of his neighbor Dorothy's homebrew experiments.) Peter had taken a spell-casting class at the local community college a few years before, with Marga, and they had done a few really tiny spells, lighting candles from a distance or turning a pinch of sugar into salt. They got used to weird smells or small dead creatures popping up an hour or a day later.

If the spell was small enough, the unintended downside was part of the fun – an amusing little surprise.
Oh, look. A goldfish in the mailbox, still flapping about. Get a bowl of water, quick!

By now, the actual doing of the spell – the Clean Casting – felt like a weird dream that Peter had concocted after too many drinks. The more people made a fuss about it, the more he felt like he'd made the whole thing up. But he could still picture it. He'd gotten one of the stone spellcasting bowls they sold on late-night cable TV, and little baggies of all the ingredients, with rejected prog rock band names like Prudenceroot or Womanheart, and sprinkled pinches of them in, while chanting the nonsense syllables and thinking of his desired aim. The spellbook, with its overly broad categories of enchantments that you could slot your specifics into like
Mad Libs
, was propped open with a package of spaghetti. All of it, he'd done correctly more or less. Not perfect, but right. He'd done it in his oversized pantry, surrounded by mostly empty jars of stale oats and revolting cans of peaches, with Dobbs goggle-eyed and drooling, the only witness.

* * *

T
he time came when Peter could leave the house again without people shoving things in his face. He still had people coming up to him in the bookstore to ask him if he was that guy, and his co-workers would never stop making weird remarks about it. And he made a point of not googling himself. Or checking his personal email, or going on Facebook.

But just when Peter thought maybe his life was returning to seminormal, some guy would see him and come running across the street – through traffic – to belt out something about his baby, his baby, Peter had to help, the man needed a spell and the consequences would probably be unbearable if anybody but Peter attempted it. Peter would have to shrug off the crying, red-faced man, and keep going to the pet food store or supermarket.

There was a girl working at the pet food store who apparently knew who Peter was, and didn't seem to care. She had curly brown hair and really strong lines from the bridge of her nose down around her eyes, which made her look sort of intense and focused. She had a really pointy chin and a pretty nose, and seemed like the kind of person who laughed a lot. Even when she looked serious, which she mostly did. She always smiled at Peter when she rang up the special food that Dobbs needed for his pancreas, but not in a starey way.

Finally, one day, a few weeks after all this started, Peter asked her why she hadn't ever said anything about his claim to fame. She rolled her eyes. "I dunno, I figured you were sick of hearing about it. Plus, who cares. It's not like you won the lottery or anything, right?"

Peter immediately asked her if she wanted to grab some dinner sometime. She was like, "Sure. As long as it's not medicinal dog food." Her name turned out to be Rebecca.