The Best Goodbye (4 page)

He grinned, and there was almost a dimple in his left cheek. His teeth were nice and white, too. He had a good smile. “I know I prepare gourmet meals as a profession, but I enjoy a good cheesy pizza as much as the next guy. There’s a place I go to in Grayton Beach that’s right on the water.”

I stared up at him in shock. No one had ever asked me
and
Franny out. Most of the time, when guys found out about Franny, they made excuses and backed off. Brad, however, seemed completely cool with the fact that I had a nine-year-old daughter.

“Uh, well . . . yeah, sure. Franny loves pizza.” I heard the surprise in my voice.

Brad chuckled again and nodded toward a white Ford truck. “I’ll follow you home, and we can get Franny.”

He seemed so pleased. I simply nodded again.

Brad was probably two years older than me, and he was tall, with dark hair and hazel eyes. He was built like someone who spent quality time at the gym. There were seven female servers in the restaurant who were young, single, and gorgeous. Why was he pursuing me? I knew two of those girls had a crush on him—they were always making up reasons to go to the kitchen to talk to him. He was polite and took it in stride, but he never encouraged them. Not that it stopped them from trying again. But I had assumed that meant he was attached. Maybe a girlfriend or a fiancée. It wasn’t my business, so I didn’t ask.

“I’ll see you in a few,” he said now with a wink, then turned to head over to his truck.

OK, so maybe this was a friend kind of thing. I mean, he invited Franny without blinking an eye. And we had enjoyed each other’s company the few days that River had put us together in preparation for the grand opening.

Finally, my fingers landed on the key ring at the bottom of my purse. I had unlocked the door and started to get in when I saw something in the corner of my eye. Glancing back, I saw that River was walking out the door with Elle. She had her arms wrapped around his waist, and his hand rested on her hip. I could see her laughing up at him.

That wasn’t my River. The more I was around him, the more my heart mourned the boy I’d loved. Something had turned him into this man. A beautiful, detached, hard man. I didn’t want my mood to plummet. I drove away without looking back once.

Thirteen years ago

“Where’s Addy?” River asked his mother. I could hear him from the closet I was locked in. It was dark, and I really had to use the bathroom, but I knew not to knock or make a sound. She’d leave me in here longer.

“Addison is being punished. Go wash up for dinner. Daddy will be here tonight. He called and promised to be home. We can have a family meal.” Her overexcited voice made me cringe. I was terrified of that voice.

“Why is Addy being punished? Where is she, Mom?” River sounded angry.

His mother sighed loudly. “That is not your business. You go wash up like a good boy.”

“I’m thirteen years old. Don’t talk to me like I’m five. I’m grown-up, Mom. Now, tell me where you put Addy. Now!” He roared the last bit, and I squeezed my eyes tight, praying she wouldn’t hit him. He wouldn’t hit her back. He never did. He just let her hit him until she was over it. Then she would run off to her room, and he would find me.

“Her name is Addison. Addy sounds ridiculous. And do not yell at me,” she said, still sounding way too happy. “Your father will be here any minute. Let’s not fight. With her out of the way, we can enjoy our meal.”

I heard a loud crash, and I jumped back against the wall. “If you don’t tell me where she is, I’m going to throw every damn dish in this kitchen against the wall.” River’s voice sounded so much older than a thirteen-year-old boy’s.

“Please, God, don’t let her hit him,” I whispered, wondering if God would listen if I prayed for someone else. I knew praying for myself didn’t work; I’d tried that.

A loud, high-pitched squeal made my heart clench. “Let go of my arm!”

“No. I’m not letting you hit me, and I’m not letting you lock her up. Where. Is. She.”

“Please, please, please, God,” I begged quietly in the dark. He was pushing her too far.

“Ow!” she screamed. “You’re hurting my wrist.”

“Then tell me where Addy is!”

“In the hall closet.” She let out in an angry growl. “But if you go after her, I’ll lock you in the attic.”

“Noooo!” I cried under my breath. The attic was so hot and dirty. Every time she locked me up in there, I had nightmares for days afterward.

“You aren’t putting me anywhere. I’ll tell Dad,” he said. Then his footsteps drew closer toward me.

I wished he’d just leave me in here. We would both pay for this later. She’d do something terrible.

The doorknob turned, and I squinted against the light as I looked up at him. He was so tall, and at that moment, with that fierce expression on his face, I was sure he was my angel. Maybe God had heard me and sent me River.

He dropped to his knees and held out a hand to me. “It’s OK, Addy. I’m here.” His voice was gentle. Nothing like what I’d heard him use with his mother.

“If you take her out of that closet, I will call social services and have her sent away. I don’t have to keep her here. She’s not what I wanted. She’s a mean child.”

I didn’t want to go to a group home, and I didn’t want to lose River, but I kept my mouth closed. Among my options, there were two kinds of evil. I knew this one; I didn’t know the one I would face out there. I also wouldn’t have River to stand up for me.

“If you send her away, I’ll tell Dad you’re taking pills again,” River said, turning to look at her. “I know. I have proof. I’ll tell him, and he’ll leave this time. For good.”

I wasn’t sure what pills he was talking about, but her face paled. She didn’t say anything but turned and stalked away.

“Come on, Addy. She’ll lock herself away for the night now. I beat her at her own game,” he said, taking my hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze. “Let’s get you some food.”

“Your dad is coming home,” I whispered, afraid she’d hear me and come back.

He scowled and shook his head. “No, he’s not. He’s with his secretary. Come on, let’s go eat.”

It was her laugh. Brad had fucking made her laugh enough today that I’d had plenty of opportunities to evaluate it. Telling myself that Rose’s laugh reminded me of
hers
was an understatement. Rose
had
Addy’s laugh. Even the way her eyes danced and the way she tilted her head were identical to Addy’s. It was hard to watch and listen to.

I’d had to bite back a snarled demand that she stop laughing twice today. I hated how the sound of it made me feel, because with its warmth came the sharp pain of loss. Something I thought I’d overcome years ago. I’d have to keep Rose at a distance. She was a hard worker and a single mom. I couldn’t fire her. I just had to avoid her, or I was going to crack. Emotional damage came with those memories. Even after all these years, it was a trauma I’d never forget. My actions following Addy’s death had changed me. I’d never be the same person again.

With each man I killed, I lost a little more of my soul. Even if those men deserved death, being the one to end their lives took a piece of me. I knew I’d never love again, because I couldn’t. My emotions weren’t normal; I was both haunted by them and cut off from them in a way that couldn’t be healed.

When I pulled my truck up to the marina where I kept my boat, I saw Elle’s car. I’d told her I wasn’t in the mood for company tonight, but she hadn’t listened. She rarely did. Maybe what I needed was to let her take my mind off the past.

I’d lived on the boat for most of my adult life. It moved with me, and having it meant I could leave at any time. I liked the freedom it gave me. I had missed it when I was in Texas, my most recent state of residence. Houses brought back bad memories for me. I couldn’t bring myself to stay in a house.

My boat gave me peace.

Stepping inside, I noticed Elle in the small kitchen, fixing sandwiches. When she did stuff like this, I felt guilty for leading her on, if that was what I was doing. She had her issues, but she wasn’t all that bad. When I needed stress relief, she was there. I just didn’t have what she needed emotionally. I wasn’t ever going to want more. I’d never care about her deeply, let alone love her.

Her long brown hair swung over her shoulder as she glanced back at me. Then she smiled. That smile was safe. It didn’t cause painful constrictions in my chest. She didn’t remind me of all I’d lost. She could laugh, and it wouldn’t affect me. Yet another reason I liked Elle.

“I know you said you weren’t in the mood for company, but I figured you needed to eat, and I was hungry, so I fixed us some sandwiches. We can eat together, at least. Then I’ll leave.”

She knew she wasn’t leaving as well as I did. But I just nodded and walked over to the fridge to grab a beer. “You want something?” I asked.

“A beer is good,” she replied, a little too happily. She knew she’d won. I was too tired to care.

I took two beers and put hers on the counter before picking up my sandwich. It was the bigger of the two. She rarely ate large portions. I doubted she’d eat half of the sandwich she’d fixed for herself.

Taking a bite, I leaned back and watched the black waves outside. It was calm tonight. No wind to make things rough.

“You don’t want to sit?” she asked, breaking into my thoughts.

I shook my head and took another bite.

“You seem tense today. Like you’re ready to explode at any moment.”

She watched me too closely. If she connected my mood to Rose, things would get ugly. Yet another reason to distance myself from Rose.

You’re protecting her. Just like Addy.

The thought was there before I could push it away. It was the truth, of course. I was protecting Rose. Simply because her laugh reminded me of Addy. I could lie to myself and say I was intrigued by her because she was a single mom and a hard worker. But that wasn’t it. I knew it wasn’t.

“Closer we get to the opening, the more tense I get. Gonna have to deal with it,” I replied without emotion.

I could see Elle playing with her sandwich instead of eating it. She wanted more from me. I’d known the day would come when she would push for more. It always did. And I always sent them on their way. More wasn’t me.

“I wish you’d open up to me. I’m here to listen to you. I care about you. I thought we were getting closer. Just yesterday, in your office . . .”

“We fucked, Elle. That’s all it was. A fuck. I told you in the beginning, I just fuck, babe. You want closer, you’re with the wrong guy.”

My words were cold, but that was me. She needed to hear it.

“You’re not the hard, untouchable guy you want me to believe you are. I’ve seen you let your guard down. So is it just me? Is that it? You don’t want me?”

This was the moment. I could hurt her and lie, say yes, and send her on her way. But she was my head server. I didn’t love her, but I wasn’t going to be cruel, either.

“It’s not you,” I bit out. I wasn’t going to share a piece of myself or my past. However, she needed to understand that I was not the guy she was looking for. “Gave my heart away a long time ago.”

I heard her quick intake of breath. She hadn’t been expecting that.

Taking another bite of my sandwich, I reached for my beer and shoved off from the counter. I needed distance from Elle. From everyone.

“Are you saying you’re in love with someone else?”

It was more than that, but I just gave a nod and drank my beer.

“Who? Where is she?” Elle asked, her voice rising just enough to let me know she was pissed.

“Not talking about it.”

“You’re not talking about it?” she all but screamed behind me. “We’ve been fucking, as you call it, for weeks, and you left out the fact that you were in love with someone else? What are we doing, then? Huh?”

“Fucking,” I replied.

“You’re a . . . you’re a . . . ugh! I can’t believe I—” She stopped and let out a growl, then headed for the door. “I won’t be used,” she said, just as she was about to leave.

“Good,” was my only response. She shouldn’t allow herself to be used.

“That’s all you’re going to say? Seriously?”

I set my beer down and finally turned to look at her. The fury on her face was what I expected. This was the way it always ended. Even though I warned them in the beginning that I’d never want more. “Did I tell you from the start that there would ever be more than fucking from me?”

She glared at me but finally nodded.

“Correct. I didn’t. You were the one who wanted to change the rules.”

I could see the pain in her eyes, and I felt guilty for putting it there. I felt guilty every damn time.

Elle didn’t say more. She turned and left.

Finally, I was alone.

Franny was curled up on the sofa asleep when I got home. Mrs. Baylor was sitting in the recliner with a book in her lap. She smiled up from what she was reading to greet me with a whisper.

“I tried to persuade her to go to bed, but she wanted to wait up for you. She played hard today. We even made three dozen macadamia nut cookies. You need to take most of those to work with you tomorrow; we won’t be able to eat them all.”

Brad’s truck pulled up behind mine in the driveway, and I glanced back toward him. I hadn’t expected Franny to be asleep so early. Typically, she was a night owl. But I also wasn’t about to ask Mrs. Baylor to stay and watch her while I went out for pizza with a man.

“Thank you for today. I know she had fun,” I said, as I gazed at my daughter. She was my world. I would never be able to thank Mrs. Baylor enough for being so good to her.

Mrs. Baylor stood up and cleared her throat softly. “Well, it looks like you have company.” Her voice held an amused tone.

I turned back to see Brad stepping out of his truck. He looked uncertain about whether he should proceed.