The Believing Game (31 page)

“Well, that's helpful.” Sophie kicked one sneakered foot against the stone wall. “I can't believe this. Someone has to at least reach out to him. We could call his parents.”

“No. We absolutely can't do that.” I imagined Mrs. Bradley's voice as a cheerful chirp and wondered how I was supposed to introduce myself now. “I won't chase him.”

“Why? You deserve an explanation.”

“Wow. Thanks for your concern, Sophie. Listen, maybe next week I'll be able to deal with this, but right now I'm just trying to keep it together, okay?”

She stopped pacing and pivoted slowly. “I'm an asshole, huh? I'm sorry. God, Greer — I really apologize. What was I thinking? Are you okay?” She swatted Jared on the back of his head. “Jesus. Why didn't you tell me I was acting like such an asshole?” Sophie dropped to the ground. “Aren't you worried, though? I'm just saying — one of us could call.”

“I could call,” Jared volunteered.

“Maybe,” I relented. “Just to make sure he's okay.”

The three of them walked me to class. I survived afternoon sessions and dragged myself to the dining hall for dinner. Hannah and I landed at the same assigned table with Ms. Ling moderating a discussion on milestones.

Halfway through, Sophie scooted an extra chair up to our table and Ms. Ling actually allowed that. She didn't even make me speak. She'd brought along an index card carefully printed with questions. “What are some of the milestones we celebrate with our families?” We all stared at her. “Not now, obviously, but at home, what would you celebrate?”

Hannah raised her hand before answering, “Hanukkah.”

“Okay, but that's more of a holiday, right? When we talk about milestones, we mean rites of passage. You know — ways we celebrate growth?”

In my head, I played a movie of firsts with Addison — the first time we met, the first words we spoke. The first time he reached for my hand. I remembered the first time he introduced me to Joshua, how hesitant I'd been. How aware that Joshua's approval mattered.

“What about milestones here, on campus? How do we mark them?”

I heard Ms. Ling speaking from far away. I heard one of the drug-addled dolts at our table mutter, “Liquids.”

“That's right, PJ. When we start earning privileges, that counts as a milestone.”

“When we leave,” I said.

Sophie sucked in her breath and Hannah's hand sort of fluttered toward me. “Yeah,” Ms. Ling answered simply. “That's another.” I nodded and no one said much else. We sat mostly in silence until she nodded and then we trolleyed our trays and left.

As soon as we stepped out of the building, Jared was waiting for us.

“I called,” he said. “They have no idea where he is.” Sophie tugged us both down to sit with her on the grass, and Hannah joined us. Other people milled around, some staring, some oblivious.

“How could they not know?” I asked. “Didn't they come to get him?”

“Mr. Bradley just said they were proud of his progress. He said that when he heard from Addison, he would pass along that I was trying to get in touch. He didn't really sound so concerned.”

I thought of Chuckie. Mr. Bradley had enough to worry about. “Addison's eighteen,” I reminded them. “He just signed himself out.”

“He doesn't have any place to go,” Hannah said.

“Unless he went with Joshua,” Sophie said.

I refused to believe that. I refused to even think of it as a possibility. “He probably just bought a bus ticket. Chose some random city and now he'll start over. You know, he'll get a crappy job somewhere, stay at a motel at first.”

Sophie didn't believe me. “What makes you so sure?”

I made myself remember the room at the cabin. The heavy quilt. The bed that creaked and the window frame that knocked through the night when the wind blew.

“Because that's the plan we made together,” I said, “before Addison decided to leave me behind.”

When the yellow cab first pulled up to the front gates of McCracken Hill, I felt a gust of hope. I thought,
He's come back,
and managed to pull myself up to my knees. My whole heart lurched, but when the door swung open, it wasn't Addison who stepped out. Joshua had arrived.

He searched through the flocks of kids who arrowed in all different directions across campus. I saw him zero in on me and realized I was still kneeling. Joshua might have even thought I was praying. Hannah, Jared, and Sophie sat behind me. When I rose and started slowly across the lawn, I heard Sophie calling me back. Joshua's voice rang out too.

“Elizabeth? Are you humbled yet?” I almost nodded. He said, “It mystifies me. All you had to do was practice generosity. I made room for you in his life. Look where we are now. The stupidity and pettiness staggers me.” We stood facing each other before Joshua pushed through the iron gates. “All you needed to do was sit there while I instructed others to adore you!” He shouted it through the bars, as if speaking from a jail cell. Or maybe I was the one in prison and Joshua was visiting me.

“Where is he?” he demanded. I shook my head. “Don't play games, Greer. This isn't hide-and-seek. We could find him crouched in some stairwell somewhere smoking rock from a pipe. You want to carry that on your shoulders?”

“I don't —”

“You don't what?”

“I don't believe that.”

“Just tell me the plan. You'll lie low and then leave to meet up with him? I'm sure this may come as a shock, but if Addison needs to start over somewhere to find happiness, I will support that. I can help you. We'll drive to see him. I'll say my piece and then Addison can make a lucid decision about how we all move forward. His call. Regardless, I will continue to be his servant in faith.”

My vision blurred with fresh tears. It felt like losing Addison all over again. Even Joshua wouldn't be able to find him. But the more desperately Joshua asked, the more I understood that Addison had really escaped. Joshua wasn't secretly orchestrating his life anymore. I felt lighter, knowing that. Wherever Addison was, he was finally making his own choices. Eventually maybe he'd choose to come looking for me.

Joshua looked anguished even when I swore to him, “He didn't tell me. I didn't even know that he left.” Then I moved to turn away. Jared and Hannah sat rooted to their spots, while Sophie was on her feet. To the right, I spotted Wes. He stood there, with his arms folded across his chest, watching. And then there were so many people I hadn't yet even bothered to get to know. It felt like I had a whole village waiting for me. McCracken Hill had sold me on its whole philosophy of community. At least for those slow-motion moments anyway.

Joshua stood alone on the outside, lost and forlorn. And then he erupted, lunging through the iron gates and pushing his way over to me. He told me, “He left you and I don't blame him. You're still stuck in that room. Addison knows
better than to doom himself to a lifetime of that. I taught him to shun people like you. Corpses. Do you hear me? You are a cadaver. I look at you and see decay.”

But Joshua sobbed as he screamed at me. If I ever testified that I felt frightened for my life, I'd be lying. Suddenly he just seemed like a sad and desperate person who had taken more than a few wrong turns. Had he been sitting at a bus stop in town, Sophie and I might have muttered, “Poor guy,” and gone back to gossiping on our way to the coffee shop. But that's not who Joshua had become for us.

He grabbed at me and I screamed more in surprise than fear. I backed away and he stumbled on the curb and fell into me. When we hit the ground, it must have looked like Joshua had wrestled me down. My head had snapped back against the pavement — it throbbed. And the shouting around us made it worse. I wrapped my arms around my head. Joshua pushed himself up onto his elbows, keeping me pinned beneath his body.

That's why I was staring up at him when it happened. First he grimaced, maybe in embarrassment. When Sophie dove between us, Joshua scowled in anger and rose up. And then his eyes went wide and his mouth opened to shout and that's when I saw her push the knife into his chest.

“GET OFF OF HER!” Sophie's scream pierced through the clear afternoon. I remember noticing her breath. Sophie was panting, and Joshua's mouth moved in a wet sort of gurgle.

Wes was there in seconds, lifting her under her arms. He pulled her off and she kicked at the air like a little kid. Jared knelt next to Joshua and reached to pull out the knife but it was too slippery. You could only see part of the black plastic
grip because Sophie had stabbed him so deeply. I reached out to Joshua and his hands moved to shove me away. He thought I would hurt him too.

Blood seeped around the knife and also trickled from his lips. His eyes looked glassy and unfocused. Jared told him, “Hold on, man. Hold on, brother. Hannah ran for help.” We looked up to the lawn where dozens of students stood staring. “Somebody call an ambulance. Call nine-one-one. Somebody help us over here!” Jared bellowed. No one had cell phones to reach for. No one moved.

Pink bubbles frothed lightly from Joshua's mouth. And then they stopped.

Behind me, Wes asked, “What did you do?” and Sophie started weeping.

We sat there on the pavement and grass, scattered around him in a loose circle. Hannah rushed up and took both Joshua's hands in hers.

The police came first and then the rescue squad right after. Ms. Crane sat us all in a line along the curb, with our backs to the scene behind us. I heard the EMTs bickering about the knife. They couldn't do chest compressions. They argued over trying to move the blade. “He's gone anyway,” I heard one of the guys mutter. Sophie moaned and I reached for her hand. We crouched against each other and listened to them pack Joshua onto the stretcher and then into the ambulance. We heard the door slam closed.

I turned to tell the police what had happened and Ms. Crane called my name sharply. “Greer, just stay put. Everything will be taken care of.” She crossed over to the cops and spoke just as firmly, “Our attorneys are en route. We request that you conduct all interviews on the school
premises. This is a therapeutic environment, and we're deeply concerned about the effects of such a major trauma on our students.”

That's how we ended up being interviewed together. Sitting around a conference table in one of the counseling rooms. With a white-haired attorney smoothing his tie and prodding us along. “Ms. Cannon? Greer? You feared for your safety?”

“At that moment?”

“At any moment. Did Mr. Stern frighten you?”

“Yes.”

“Did he threaten you?” I stared at Sophie.

“Yes.”

“Did he physically harm you?” I stared at Hannah.

“Yes.”

The police officer broke in. “We're going to need some details about the threats and physical abuse.”

Wes spoke up then. “I also felt unsafe in Mr. Stern's presence. He physically threatened me. His attention to the girls made me uncomfortable.” He added, “I met him through my roommate. After the threats escalated, I took steps to transfer dorms.”

The officer frowned. He turned to Dean Edwards. “You have documentation of this?” She nodded. “And who's the former roommate?”

I pictured Addison riding in a darkened bus. Staring out at the scenery, unaware of the aftermath of his departure. Dean Edwards dismissed the question. “The roommate has moved on from our community,” she said, then hastily added, “for no other reason than his own progress.”

“Take me through this afternoon's altercation again,” the police officer asked and one by one, we each described how
scared we'd been, how Joshua had shocked us by showing up. Sophie claimed that she started carrying the knife after Joshua had asked her repeatedly for money. Jared confided he'd felt too intimidated to object to Joshua's presence in the dorms.

“When was he in the dorms?” Dean Edwards broke in.

“On Tuesday nights, after group — sometimes he was too tired to go home.”

“Where did he sleep?”

Jared shrugged. “Usually in my room. I slept on the floor.”

“You gave up your bed for the guy who ran NA meetings?” the cop asked incredulously.

“He's old.” Jared shrugged once more and corrected himself quietly. “He
was
old.”

“Mr. Stern seems to have played quite an active role at McCracken Hill.”

“I'm not sure that's accurate.” Dean Edwards stood behind Sophie's chair. “Our students have struggled with a myriad of issues. They tend to be particularly vulnerable to adult influences.”

The cop gave her a look that said,
Way to stay on top of the situation then, lady.
But he replied, “From my standpoint, your students appear more dangerous than vulnerable.”

The white-haired lawyer brushed his hand over his tie. “Teenagers can be secretive. We do regret that the McCracken Hill administration lacked any knowledge about Mr. Stern's instability. Or his status as a transient, for that matter. Perhaps this tragedy might have been averted and we will certainly examine those protocols.”

Dean Edwards stared stonily at the conference table like a woman drafting her resignation letter. Her power suit had wilted. “Is there anything else we can do to help?” she asked.

“Yeah.” The officer nodded at Sophie. “The young lady over there stabbed a man to death a few hours ago. We'll probably need to have more than a faculty meeting about it.”

The lawyer straightened his tie at the knot. “She's a minor. Her parents are out of state. She's not available for questioning at this time about this unfortunate incident of self-defense.” He sounded almost bored.

Dean Edwards placed her hand on Sophie's shoulder. “We'll be contacting Sophie's parents immediately and will keep you updated about our decisions.”

“Well, that's mighty accommodating of you.”

Suddenly Sophie blurted out, “We were so scared and I heard him screaming at Greer and then he tackled her —”

“Ms. Delia, thank you.”

“And Hannah —”

Hannah's mouth dropped open. She sat up rigidly and gripped the conference table with both hands. She looked ready to race out of the room.

But the lawyer muzzled Sophie pretty quickly anyway. “I think we just need to sit tight for now and wait for word from your parents, Ms. Delia.” Dean Edwards dismissed the rest of us to our dorms. When we stood to leave, my knees buckled. I felt like I had been shaking for hours.

Sophie and I locked eyes. She reached for my sleeve. “If you hug me, I'll start bawling like a baby,” I said.

She eyed the police officer, who stood in the corner, deep in discussion with Dean Edwards. “I know I did the right
thing,” she said clearly. I couldn't tell if she meant it for my benefit or the cop's. Or her own.

“What happens next?” I asked.

Sophie squeezed her eyes shut and then opened them. “See you on the other side.”