The Believing Game (23 page)

“Jesus Christ,” Jared muttered.

“Relax, buddy.” Addison pulled over a chair to sit beside him.

“Well, what the hell does that mean?”

“It's important to break off communication with Wes.” Addison looked to Joshua, who nodded for him to continue. “He's threatened me, for one. And my sobriety. After he moved out, I found liquor bottles all over the place. I don't know if he'd been secretly using all along or just hoping I'd find them and slip.”

“Brother, what did you do with those bottles?” Joshua asked, fueling Addison's gospel.

“I poured them down the drain.” Addison spoke clearly. He enunciated carefully. “I cried when I did it. My whole body shook and hated me, but I poured each one of those bottles down the sink in the Unity Hall restroom.” Addison would make a great televangelist if he and Joshua ever decided to take things in that direction.

Sophie looked up at me, but I kept my face unreadable. Wes had been angry and he could certainly win an asshole contest in his day-to-day interactions with people, but I knew he was, deep down, a good person. He wouldn't mess around with Addison's recovery. I had seen the room myself after Wes had left, and I hadn't seen any sign of bottles. I knew Addison was lying. I just didn't understand why.

“Has Addison told you that the surgeons have planned to summon me?”

Nods around the room. Hannah had already begun to cry.

“Essentially, I'm on standby. I hope to be their first successful candidate for this procedure. It's a little shocking, so I ask you to remember that my life is at stake and currently I live in a tremendous amount of pain.” He grimaced, almost like he'd just reminded himself.

“Tell us about the procedure.” Addison's voice sounded shaky and scared, so I reached out to hold his hand and felt relieved when he took it. Joshua looked down at our clasped hands and smiled, as if he had made it happen.

“They will flush out all of my blood and replace it with pig's blood.”

I know I gasped. I think Hannah and Sophie did too.

“That shocks you,” Joshua acknowledged. “And because of the time I've spent studying Islam, it shocks me too. I find it abhorrent to have the blood of an unclean animal coursing
through my veins. But if it will extend my life, then I can spend time with you. How could I refuse that chance?”

Joshua sank back into the chair and it rocked a little. He swiveled in the chair slowly, turning to each of us. “There is a chance my body will reject this procedure.” He paused. Swiveled. “They've told me that as they put the mask on me, the anesthesia will take about half a minute to work. When I first breathe in, I will start off thinking about you, Jared. I will remind myself of your courage. Then I will picture Sophia; I'll try to summon your wisdom.” Joshua took a deep breath. “That will leave me about twenty seconds before I slip away. I will remember you, Hannah. I will express thanks for your ability to bless the weak.” He motioned for me to crouch beside him, so I did. “Elizabeth, when I have fifteen seconds left of awareness, I will think of you and your strength. I believe it will help me survive. But if it doesn't, my last ten seconds of conscious thought will be spent thinking of you, Brother Addison, and your immense love.”

Addison looked down at Joshua, and tears streamed down his face. He kept his grip on my hand and reached for Joshua's, so the three of us huddled there for a little bit, in the room's silence. I wished the lights would blink for curfew. Maybe if I were a better person, I'd have collapsed weeping on the floor, so that Joshua knew how much he meant to me. And here is the thing: He did mean something to me.

But it felt the same way that it used to when my mom and dad orchestrated some lame family activity. Or when the guys I'd fool around with in the stairwell at school started leaving me gifts or posting song lyrics on my wall. I could never respond when another person demanded it from me. If someone said, “Love me,” I automatically couldn't. I just shut down.

So I kept blinking, pretending to hold back tears. Joshua beckoned me closer to him and so I lowered my head next to his. “Don't be frustrated, Elizabeth. Remember you have traded in your humanity for some of your power. Those who have not closed off rooms in themselves cannot understand.”

Joshua gave me his arm then and I helped him stand. “Addison, you'll lead me out.” The two of them started toward the door. Joshua moved slowly, hunched over as if it hurt him to walk. “When it happens, Addison will receive a phone call. Then you all will need to concentrate your thoughts on the surgery achieving the result right with the universe.” Then he added cryptically, “Whatever that may be.”

When the door closed behind them, I felt the tears fill up my eyes. I almost wanted to chase after them and show Joshua. But I wasn't crying for him, and he'd know that somehow. I didn't know then why the whole thing made me sad, but I looked around the room and we all looked so lost and pathetic. And I knew each of us was in good shape, compared to Addison.

I wished we could all just hop in a car and go skydiving. I would have settled for Six Flags or a Dave & Buster's. Or even just going to someone's basement and drinking until everything was funny or tilted. I wanted what normal kids considered excitement. Not another gathering. Not another discussion about God and the universe and the believing game. Joshua had given us the chance to see ourselves as extraordinary but the glamour of that had worn off. I didn't know what to think anymore, but I would have even preferred to crawl back to my room, burrow myself beneath my standard-issue McCracken Hill thermal blanket, and try not to think for a while.

Jared and Sophie walked out ahead of Hannah and me. She just sort of glided through the room, touching things. Joshua's chair, the door frame.

“What are you doing?” I asked her, almost afraid of what she'd tell me.

“Committing it to memory.” Hannah's eyes looked glassy. Her face was flushed.

“Hannah, are you all right?” I moved to feel her forehead, to see if she had a fever. “Should we stop at the infirmary?”

“And tell them what?” She giggled breathlessly. I wondered if she was on something. I checked her pupils. Fine. “I'm not using,” she told me.

“Fine. Let's just get back to the dorm, okay?” I opened the door and guided her through it.

“I'm not using. I'm used. I'm used up.”

“We all feel that way,” I told her. Hannah and I braced ourselves for the cold and stepped outside into a fierce wind. “Let's just go to sleep and look at all of this from a fresh place tomorrow.” I had to shout over the whipping wind.

We didn't try to say anything else, but when we got to the dorm, she turned to me and asked, “He's not going anywhere, is he?”

“Joshua? No. We're all going to be just fine.” Part of me had begun to wonder how both of those things could be true at the same time. But it was enough to get Hannah inside her dorm room, where she could go around committing the furniture in there to memory, if that's what she wanted.

I felt like I was crawling over to my own room. Here and there, a door yawned open. I knew that it had been a while since I'd made any effort to speak to anyone outside our tiny cluster of people. I should have been contributing to the
McCracken community. Or at least making eye contact. I made myself wave and smile three times. I must have looked like some shell-shocked pageant queen progressing down the hall.

Sophie was waiting for me, tapping her foot against my door. She stopped fidgeting as soon as she saw me.

I stood over her and swiped my key through the door. When I opened it, she somersaulted backward into my small cell. “We need to talk,” she told me. She sat up, looked up. She seemed to be making her mind up about something. Finally she said, “Greer, do you always believe what Joshua tells us?”

My first instinct was to check to make sure I'd locked the door. Sophie sat, still gazing up at me. She bit her lip. “Never mind.” Her words rushed out to fill the silent room. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's been a really emotional night and I think it overwhelmed me a little. You're tired. Let's just forget that —”

“I don't believe in it.” It felt like I'd found the words to some magic spell. I half-expected the walls to tumble down around us. A secret entrance back to reality would emerge from the ruins.

But none of that happened. We just sat there — me on the edge of my mattress, Sophie on the balding, institutional carpet. “I don't believe in any of it.” Now that I finally admitted it, I wanted to say it aloud again and again. “Up at the cabin, I kept waiting for someone to look around and say that, but no one did.” Sophie nodded. “And then when we got back, I've tried to talk to Addison about it, but he won't even have the conversation. And you know, things got weird. As soon as we had sex, it felt like he started blaming me for everything that went wrong. With Joshua, especially.”

“Do you think Addison believes him?” Sophie asked. “Or is he in on it?”

I'd been turning over the question in my head since my breakfast with Wes. “Both. Somehow I think it's both.”
Sophie nodded as I told her. “I think that he believes that Joshua's this holy person. He buys into his message. But Addison's such a smart guy. I just can't imagine that he'd accept all this without questioning. And —”

“They seem to have a routine going.” Sophie said it, maybe because she knew I'd have trouble. “It even sounds like they're speaking from a script. When did you —”

“Always. From the very beginning. I mean, honestly, at first I just thought I needed to make myself fall for it. Because it all seemed pretty harmless. And you know, Addison. I love Addison. He's perfect in every way — except this one thing. So I figured I just needed to accept that part. For a little while. For him.”

“Yeah, but do you see how crazy that is? Greer, seriously?”

I shrugged miserably. Because I felt if I lost him, it wouldn't matter what was crazy and what wasn't. “What does Jared say?” I asked.

She avoided looking at me then. “Jared doesn't really examine things so closely. I don't know. I wanted to talk to you first. When Joshua told us about his brother, that's when I decided. I did some research.”

She must have seen my confused look. At McCracken Hill, you couldn't just log on to a computer and play private detective. Sophie explained, “I asked Josie to do some research. When he told us about his brother, it just didn't sit right, you know?” I did know, but also thought it was funny that we were perfectly willing to accept the upcoming vegan coup, but we drew the line at the tragic story of the brother's car accident.

It got even funnier when Sophie told me, “It's the plot of
Footloose
. That's how the brother of the girl in the movie
died. Kids driving home from a dance. The car goes off a bridge or something. So then the girl's father bans dancing. Until the cute guy shows up and teaches them all to move on and embrace life.”

“Sounds like Joshua's favorite movie.”

“I know, right?”

“But why even say that? What's the point of making something like that up?”

“Because I got mad at him. Remember?” Her voice trembled.

“You stood up to him. You kicked ass.”

“But that made him look bad. He had to find a way to connect with me. And so he told this story about how he knew just how I felt and we all sat there, pitying him. He'd lost his brother just like I did. If I stayed angry, then I'd be the asshole.”

“Yeah, but the story was so detailed — the name
Adam
sounding like
Addison
and everything.”

“Joshua probably lies really well, Greer,” Sophie said. “He has a lot of practice.”

“What else did Josie find?”

“Not a whole lot.”

I felt myself deflate a little. “I'm going to need specifics if I'm going to convince Addison. Maybe he knows it can't all be true, right? But what's his alternative? I need to give him facts. Then maybe he'll be able to look at the whole situation more closely —”

“Without feeling so disloyal.” Sophie nodded. “We just don't have a lot of facts.” She stood and opened the door to my wardrobe. She searched through Addison's drawings like she could find answers encoded there. “I don't think Joshua Stern is his real name.”

I felt my heart stutter a little. “What does that mean?”

“It's kind of like the dead-brother lie. Specific enough that no one would question it. And it adds to his story — Joshua's a black guy with a Jewish name.”

“Yeah, exactly — I can't imagine that of all the names he'd choose, it would be something that memorable.”

“But it isn't particularly unique. Try googling
Joshua Stern
. You'll find thousands. He gets to be anonymous without being forgettable.”

“Why would he make up a name?”

Sophie shrugged. “Nothing necessarily earth-shattering. Maybe he's avoiding debt collectors or an ex-wife or something. He might just not want us to be able to find out his real address. But Josie looked through hundreds of Joshua Sterns in Pennsylvania between the ages of thirty-five and fifty. Nothing on our Joshua. Lots of dentists. Three mailmen.”

“No crazy cult leader?”

“None.”

“He's lying about this operation,” I said. Sophie gave me one of her patented well-obviously looks. “I believed in the surgery for a little bit,” I admitted.

“Well, then you're kind of dumb,” she said, grinning at me. “But then again, I just sat there when he talked about the militant vegan movement.” She lay back on the bed and shook her head. “Listen — we need to make a pact. Because I'm a little scared of Joshua. Anyone who works that hard to create something fake — his real life has to be pretty insane. I don't know what we're mixed up in —”

“But we'll figure it out together.” I filled it in automatically.

“Promise me, Greer. No matter what Addison says.”

It hurt me that she worried. “You think I'd do that?”

“I know you love him. I actually believe he loves you too. So when he asks you to not press this, you're going to want to let it go.” She sat up and continued, “And then you'll grow up and get married and make really beautiful babies and Joshua will lean over the kid's crib and weave stories about how that baby will grow up to declare a holy war against vaccines. Then you'll be stuck. Doomed.” She was kidding, I knew. But not really.

“I'm not going to give up on him,” I said. Sophie pressed her lips together. She looked at me steadily. “Sophie, I'm not. You don't get it. When it's just us together, that's what's holy. This whole thing — it's messed up. And maybe it turns out you're right. Joshua's done something terrible. But most likely he's only a sick man, right? I mean, maybe not the way he says he's sick. I mean, you don't blame Addison, do you?”

She shook her head. “I knew you'd do this. You'd back out. But I didn't think you'd start making excuses so soon.”

“I'm not.” She said nothing. “Sophie, I'm not! But we came to each other with this, right? Why wouldn't we give Addison that same chance? Maybe he does know Joshua's been lying. And he's scared to admit it. Of all people, Addison risks losing the most in all this. Joshua's like his dad. He's more than his dad.”

“Did Addison really find liquor bottles in his room?” Sophie challenged. “Did he?”

“He didn't tell me he did, no.” And because she was making the face that implied I'd just proven her point, I rushed to say, “But maybe he didn't want to worry me about the drinking thing on top of everything we were dealing with. The past few days have been like an emotional roller coaster.”

“Yeah, a Joshua Stern–designed roller coaster.”

“Okay, sure. But not an Addison Bradley creation.” Finally I got her to nod. “Are you going to talk to Jared?”

“Jared thinks the whole thing is ridiculous.” That's what she had been reluctant to tell me. Sophie had been testing me first. How had we all gotten so suspicious of one another?

“But why would he go along with it, then?”

“He got to go to the Poconos and bone me in a bunk bed.” I laughed so hard, I snorted. “No, seriously, I think that's it. And Addison's his friend. He likes you too. He thinks Joshua seems creepy, but essentially harmless. Jared just wants company. He really hates McCracken and we make it a little less excruciating.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. He's a pretty uncomplicated guy. But you know, Jared's not going to step up and pull any heroics either.” The lights flickered on and off just as I thought to myself,
Do we need heroics? What were Sophie and I actually going to do?

“Are we going to say anything?” I hoped she would make the decision.

“To Joshua? I don't know. You first need to figure out what you'll say to Addison.”

“Sophie, what do we want?”

“I'm not really interested in living someone's manufactured nightmare,” she told me. “Life sucks just fine on its own, you know?”

“So Joshua needs to stop —”

“Or leave us alone.” The lights blinked again. In a few minutes, each room along the hallway would go dark. “I better go back to my own personal nightmare,” she said wryly. “Promise we don't say anything to anyone without talking it through with each other first.”

“I swear. You too?”

“Of course I do.” She ducked out the door. And by the time the overhead lights dimmed fully, Sophie must have been tucked into her own bed. I wondered if Addison had gotten back to his room in time. If he was lying in his narrow cot, praying for Joshua's good health or remembering me in my pajamas. I wondered if Addison knew, deep down, that Joshua couldn't possibly be telling the truth about his surgery. Which would be harder for him to accept? Losing Joshua or losing the idea that he could trust him?

 

Guilt must have woken me up, because the alarm didn't ring and the campus outside was still cloaked in darkness. I took a short shower, threw on whatever clothes I could find, and took off running toward the gym. When I reached the squat brick building, I tried the door. Locked.

After maybe ten minutes of shivering, I'd convinced myself that Addison had given himself the morning off. Which meant the night before had been more difficult than I'd imagined. He never let himself sleep in.

As soon as that thought crossed my mind, Addison appeared at the top of the hill. He squinted toward me and I recognized worry wash over his face as he started sprinting in my direction.

“What's wrong?” he asked, breathless. “You okay? What's going on?”

“Nothing.” He grabbed the upper part of my arm and looked more closely at me. “I just …” All of a sudden, I felt extremely stupid. Beyond useless. “I figured that last night was rough and so I wanted to check and make sure you were okay.”

“Oh, kiddo.” He pulled me closer to him. “Thanks. I'm good — I mean, I'm okay. Joshua and I had the chance to talk last night. He's at peace, you know. That doesn't mean our work levels off.”

“Right.” I felt caught then. Between just bursting out with it or waiting like Sophie and I promised each other we would. “Maybe it would help to talk about Joshua's condition with your team.”

“You're my team.”

“You know what I'm saying.”

“I love your concern. And that you woke up early to come check on me. It's sweet.” He said, “It's more than sweet. I feel blessed.” Addison pushed me away slightly, so that he could look in my eyes. “That's all I need right now. Talking about it too much — that's going to make it real.”

It probably wouldn't,
I wanted to say. Nothing existed on the planet that would render Joshua's replacement pig-blood surgery real. But I'd already sworn not to say that. And Addison's face looked strained with exhaustion. His skin seemed yellow. The whole hospital thing was costing him. I knew Joshua had lied to him too. Maybe Addison had more blindly trusted in him, but that didn't make him our enemy — it made him more of a victim than anyone else.

But Addison didn't believing in being a victim. He pulled out a key from his pocket. Of course the fitness team had given Addison keys to the gym. He told me, “I'm going to go inside. Do you want to come work out?”

I wanted to follow him around, just to stay near him. But the one thing more pathetic than following along with the crazy cult leader who'd cast a spell on my boyfriend was following said boyfriend around the gym with a towel. He didn't need me right then. He needed to try to lift as many
heavy things as possible, to show himself that he was strong enough to handle whatever the day threw at him.

“I don't want to cramp your beefcake style.” Kissed him and sent him into the gym, which smelled like chlorine and stale socks. “Sophie will probably be at breakfast. I'll meet up with her. See you in class?”

“Sure — do you want me to walk Joshua to the hospital tonight?”

He asked like he was testing me. So I answered, “No way. If it's okay with you, I'd like to spend time with him, let him know how much he means to me.” Addison smiled; I'd passed.

“Love you,” he called after me.

 

By the time I got to breakfast, Sophie had already eaten two bowls of granola. She pounced when I mentioned my exchange with Addison. “So this is it, then. It's perfect.” She pretended not to watch me carefully eat my cantaloupe and cottage cheese.

“What is?”

“We can follow him,” Sophie said simply.