The Beauty of Surrender (15 page)

Desmond, why?

Because he was too damn caught up in his past hurts to let himself love her. To be loved by her. She hadn’t said anything, but surely he had to know!

Anger simmered, hot and furious in her veins. And she was
shaking with it. He was gone. Gone! Right when she’d started to get it. To feel her own strength. To feel sure about what she wanted. To know that what she wanted was right. The bondage. The exotic sex. When she’d finally come to understand that perhaps she was good enough just as she was. But more than that. She had come to understand that she wanted to find love. And she’d thought she had, with him.
God damn him!

Her fingers tightened around the watch, until it bit into her skin, cold and hard. She drew her arm back and hurled it across the room. It hit the floor, a hard thump, no louder than her pounding heart.

A small sob escaped her and she clamped her lips together.

Yes, cold and hard. Like Desmond. Or like he pretended to be. Because if that was true, he wouldn’t have felt enough to make him leave like this.

She shook her head, bit her lip once more against the tears that burned, wanting to spill over.

Why did she always want to cry when she was mad? When she was hurt? Enough with the damn tears!

Desmond
.

She wasn’t going to allow him to make her feel like this. Worthless. That was her sad old story, and she was fucking over it. She was better than that. She’d finally come to know that, deep inside, where it counted. Too bad Desmond couldn’t see it, too.

His loss
.

No, who was she kidding? She’d lost every bit as much as he had. And she couldn’t stand it. She could not stand it.

The tears scalded her eyes, burning her, but she swallowed them back once more, as hard as she could. She had to grip the edge of the dresser, her legs were shaking so hard.

What was all of this self-realization worth if she ended up like this all over again? With nothing. Nothing more than this absolute
emptiness. With this pain in her heart that threatened to take her over, devour her.

Empty.

Aching.

Nothing.

Desmond
.

She bent her head until her face pressed against the wood of the dresser, the edge biting into her cheek, and let the pain wash over her, let the tears fall. Only this time, she was crying as much for the man she loved as she was for herself.

S
UNDAY MORNING
Ava woke to the insistent ringing of the telephone. She sat up in bed, rubbed her eyes, peered half-blind with sleep at the caller ID. Marina.

She picked it up. “Hello?”

“Ava, there you are. I’m glad I reached you.”

“I’m here. Is everything okay?”

“You tell me,” Marina said.

“What do you mean?”

“Did you know Desmond was at Pinnacle last night?”

A sharp jab in her chest, burning, aching.

“He doesn’t need my permission to do whatever he wants,” she said quietly.

“Come on, Ava. I have some idea of what’s been going on between you two. I introduce you two and you practically disappear, for more than a month. The few times I’ve seen you together at Pinnacle you’re in your own little world, you and Desmond. Something important has been happening between you.”

“Yes.”

“So, why weren’t you with him last night?”

“Because he doesn’t want me to be.”

“I don’t believe that.”

Ava brushed her hair from her face, burying her fingers in it, pulling tight. “No. I don’t really believe it, either.”

“Ava, tell me what’s going on.”

“He just … he got up and left me the other morning. Everything was going great. Better than great. We were … we’d gotten so close. Confided in each other. And then he was just … gone.”

Marina was quiet a moment. Then, “You know, men can be idiots sometimes.”

“Yes!”

“Well, that explains his odd behavior. Although I should add that he wasn’t with anyone last night; he didn’t play any of the girls. He sat in a chair all night, brooding. He would barely even talk to me. So, tell me, what do you intend to do about it?”

“What can I do? He left, Marina. He made his decision.”

“He made a foolish decision.”

“Maybe. That doesn’t change anything.”

“I’ve never seen Desmond look at anyone the way he looks at you, Ava.”

“And?”

“And I don’t think you should just let him go. He’s been alone too long.”

“And you haven’t?”

Another long pause in which Ava had time to regret her words.

“We’re talking about you and Desmond,” Marina said quietly.

“Yes, of course. I’m sorry, Marina.”

“No. Don’t be. I have … my issues. Which makes me all the more certain that you can’t simply let this go.”

“I don’t want to. I want to be with him. God, Marina, if he only knew how much!”

Her throat was so damn tight she could barely get the words out.

“Tell him,” Marina said fiercely. “Tell him how you feel.”

“Do you really think it’ll help? He’s so shut down.”

“Do you love him, Ava?”

“Yes!”

The ache in her heart was a palpable thing, the pain in her chest threatening to choke her. She swallowed, hard.

“Isn’t that worth a try? Love is so precious.” Marina’s voice broke. “Too precious to waste.”

“Marina? Are you okay?”

“Maybe not. But you can be.”

Could she be? It didn’t feel like it. But she didn’t want to run anymore. She had to be brave sometime. Had to face what she feared most: rejection.

“I … I don’t know where to start, Marina. What do I say to him?”

“You’ll figure it out. I know you will.”

If only Ava was as sure. But it felt good to know someone had confidence in her. Maybe it was time to have confidence in herself.

She would do it: find him, talk to him. She had to try.

She was damn tired of allowing life to pass her by. And this was too important. What was more important than love?

“I’ll do it. I’ll talk to him.”

“I’m glad. For you both.”

Ava sighed, tangling her fingers in her hair. “There are no guarantees, Marina.”

“No. That’s the beautiful and terrifying part, isn’t it?”

Terrifying, yes. The beauty would come only if she was able to get through to him. Only if he could love her.

Did he love her? She’d thought he did. She was about to find out. She didn’t want to think about what she’d do if he didn’t.

D
ESMOND TAPPED
his fingers on the edge of his keyboard, trying to focus on the computer screen. But the words blurred together; nothing made sense.

Nothing had made sense to him since he’d walked out on Ava.
Not even why he’d left her like that. It had seemed so clear at the time; he’d
needed
to go. Even if he felt like an ass for the way he’d done it. An ass and a coward.

Christ
.

She’d hate him. She’d have every right to. And he couldn’t stand it.

He loved her.

Fuck
.

The idea made him break out in a cold sweat.

But he couldn’t have stayed. Couldn’t have led her to believe she could count on him, rely on him, in any sort of all-encompassing fashion. He’d only let her down eventually. And he could not live with that. No, better to live with this searing pain that thundered in his chest night and day. The pain of knowing what he’d given up.

A dream image of Nessie flashed through his mind: her long, dark hair, her pale, staring eyes. Her sweet face expressionless. Lifeless.

That was what happened when he loved someone and failed in his duty to them.

He should never have let this attachment to Ava happen. But it had felt so damn good …

Ava …

No, don’t think about her.

Do not think about her
.

A sharp knock at his office door. Must be a delivery. But he wasn’t expecting anything. He got up, ran a hand over his unshaven face, the stubble scraping his palm. Another long rap on the door.

“Alright, I’m coming. Just hold on.”

He yanked the door open. And found Ava standing there.

Her blue eyes were enormous, glittering with hurt. And with anger. He took a step back before he realized what he was doing.

“I’ve been waiting, Desmond. Only you never came. You never called.”

“Ava … I didn’t mean to—”

“No, don’t start making excuses. I don’t want to hear it. All I want are the
reasons
why you did this to me. I understand your need for control. I understand you have pain in your past that drives your actions. But I never expected you to be …” She paused, her voice breaking. “I never expected you to be cruel.”

Christ, her voice, her accusations, which were all too true, went through him like a knife in his chest.

“No. You’re right. I have been cruel. I’m sorry, Ava.”

“Well, that’s a start, anyway.”

He realized then they were still standing in the doorway, that it had started to rain outside, just a fine mist but wet and cold. “Ava, will you come in? Talk to me?”

“You want to talk, Desmond? That’s good. Because I’m not leaving until I get some answers.”

Oh, she was angry. But she stepped into his office. He reached to take her coat from her shoulders, but she shrugged him off.

“I don’t know that I’ll be staying that long.”

So much fire in her. One of the things he loved about her.

Don’t think about that now
.

But what else could he think of, with her standing before him, so angry and so fucking beautiful it broke his heart even to look at her.

You cannot have her. Just apologize. Do what you can to repair the damage
.

“Ava, I’m sorry. You deserve better treatment.”

“Yes, I do. But I love you anyway, Desmond.”

Her eyes were absolutely blazing.

His heart hitched. He couldn’t breathe for a moment.

“You love me?”

She took a step toward him. He could smell her perfume,
could see the tears trembling in her eyes. Fucking awful. So damn beautiful.

“Yes, I love you. And you love me. Don’t try to tell me any different.”

He bowed his head; it suddenly felt too heavy to hold up. “It’s true,” he said quietly. “I do love you, Ava.”

“Then explain this to me. Explain how you could leave me like you did.”

So much pain in her voice, and he felt like hell. He raised his gaze to hers, saw the tears pooled against that brilliant blue, like the clear water in a summer lake.

His chest knotted, twisted.

“I had to. I can’t … I can’t be responsible for you. For anyone. Not to that extent. One night, a few weeks of play, is one thing. But this … I can’t do this.”

“Desmond, that’s bullshit. That’s an excuse you use to run.” She reached into her hair, her fingers gripping the golden curls. “God damn it, Desmond! You can’t use that excuse forever. You can’t use it with me. Just tell me what’s really going on. Talk to me. Can’t you talk to me, Desmond?”

“I did. I told you about Nessie.”

“Yes, but that’s only the beginning, isn’t it? She’s why you won’t allow yourself to love anyone.”

“I can’t!”

“You won’t.”

“Damn it, Ava, it’s more complicated than that! I cannot make any promises to anyone, promises I can’t possibly keep.”

“Is that what you think? That you’re incapable?”

“Yes. That is exactly what I think. What I know. If I can’t save the people I love, then I don’t deserve to love anyone.”

“I don’t need saving, Desmond. I just need you to love me.”

He shook his head. “It’s never that simple.”

“Stop it! Stop trying to convince me you’re such a terrible
person. You may be damaged, Desmond, but you are capable of getting over it. You’re just afraid to. All of this stuff, the power play, the need for control, it’s all driven by your fears. And it may have worked well enough when you were just … playing with people. But it doesn’t work once your heart is involved, does it?”

He took another step back, buried both hands in his hair. She was right. “Ava, how can you love me, then? How can you love such a coward?”

She saw the pain on his face. His eyes were a dull green glow beneath his lowered lids. And she hurt for him as much as she did for herself. Reaching out, she stroked her fingers over his cheek. He lifted his head, his gaze meeting hers.

She said softly, “I just do. That’s the thing about love. It’s that powerful, Desmond.”

“You’re stronger than I am, Ava, do you know that?”

He covered her hand in his, pressed it to his cheek. Then he drew her into his arms, his hands rough on her. He pulled her in tight, until she was pressed so close to his body she could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

“I’ve been a fool, Ava.”

“I was trying to tell you exactly that,” she said, laughing even as the tears spilled onto her cheeks.

“Christ, what would I do without you?”

“You don’t have to do without me.”

He pulled back, his gaze hard on hers, his eyes blazing. “I love you, Ava.”

Her heart surged, filled, until she felt it might burst from her body. “I love you, Desmond.”

He kissed her then, his mouth a soft press at first. She opened to him, sighed into his mouth as he parted her lips, pressed deeper, until he was kissing her so hard she was breathless, shaking.

He pulled away finally. “I’m so damn sorry.”

“I know.”

“I’ve carried these ideas with me for so long. I’ve been convinced that anyone I cared about was in danger somehow.”

“It’s not true. The only way you can really protect anyone is by loving them. It’s taken me a long time to understand that myself, because of my own past. Love doesn’t have to be perfect. And neither do you. Thank God, because I’m hardly perfect myself.”

“Ah, you are to me.”

He leaned in, brushed a kiss across her mouth. Lovely. Sweet. Perfect.

“Desmond, I have my own history, my own issues. And being with you has helped me work through some of it. I mean, it’s been this long process, and I thought I’d already come through it. And then you pushed through those blocks that were holding me back during bondage play, and everything really opened up inside me. My Pandora’s box, I suppose. And it hasn’t been too bad, facing the old stuff, dealing with it. Because I love you. Because you love me. That’s the last piece of the puzzle.”