The Beast and Me (6 page)

Day 32

I have to admit that I was excited and looked forward to today. My schedule was the usual: Breakfast, later workout, and then Lunch. But after that nothing happened.

I just got Dinner: cheese and fruits and that’s it.

Maybe I was too excited? Maybe they want me being scared and not looking forward to meeting him? I don’t know. Would it make sense? Would they even care about the emotional state I am in? I mean, I should be scared, I know that. I shouldn’t want to see him again. But... I just feel like he doesn’t really want to hurt me and it did happen only because they want it to. Maybe they have a way to force him to beast-out like this. Or... do they want to test his composure? Was it my fault?

I wish I could talk to him. But what if I’m wrong and I just imagine him being human and in fact he isn’t? I mean what if he’s a sort of ape, but not human. I shouldn’t have thought that. I shouldn’t think any of this. Nothing explains why they didn’t come to take me.

Why do they have to leave me alone all by myself and to my thoughts?

I need more distraction than these four books I already know and the workout. Now, I can’t stop asking myself, questioning myself, tormenting myself, ending up being somewhat relieved that they haven’t taken me.

Hopefully I can sleep.

I wonder if they are watching me in my room and are able to read what I am writing because they came just when I wanted to hit the lights. I was back to totally freak out in silence. Maybe I am right about it: that they want me to be scared. Maybe I am also right about that they want to test his composure.

White wasn’t with them.

My heart was beating like crazy again and my thoughts ran in circles around me wishing to be at least able to see his face... and not to be kept me in the dark again. It was driving me insane, this question if he was human or not. And thinking of how disgusting it was, how sick it was, of me wanting to have him – or it – touching me again... the way he had the last time...

The only way I get physical contact is my guards grabbing and pushing me. At least till today.

I was shackled to the wall again, even though I had hoped for the bars. Although, I was wondering why I needed to be bound in the first place, and yet, somehow it was a relief that I didn’t have a choice.

Still, this was an excuse, to tell myself that I wasn’t really willing to do this. And my thoughts kept being occupied with that train of thought until I noticed that my guards hadn’t left after chaining me.

I remember the room being dead silent for a moment as I realized this, sensing how they stood there... until they started groping... just everywhere... through my clothes. I tried to evade them, but how, when my hands were shackled like that to the wall?

“Stop”, I shouted at them, feeling one hand between my legs, choking on my words just then.

It didn’t feel the same – crazy enough that my mind was able to state that.

I am so not into this in general.

“Oh come on”, one of them responded, his mouth being far too near to my right ear, breathing out the words with moist, warm air that rolled off my skin like a wave of disgusting ooze. “I thought you liked that, since you moaned like a whore, when he did you.”

I shuddered, not of excitement, but nausea.

I don’t know which one of them pushed me against the wall, trying to reenact the last time, reminding me that there could be an effing huge difference... the only thing I could think of was that White definitely was not there and the bars being closed. If they weren’t... would he come save me?

The growl was so close yet so far away, made even me cringe, even though it definitely wasn’t addressing me.

“Oh look, your monster is angry at us”, one of them said, rubbing his hand between my legs again, making me tense from shame and discomfort.

“You are the monster”, I hissed through my teeth. “You’re going to regret this. I will tell...”

“That’s enough”, White’s voice sounded through the speakers and my defiance crashed to the ground.

This, all of this was to make him angry, my ‘monster’. No, he wasn’t, and the one thing I clung to as I heard the barred wall being removed was the fact that the guard had called him a ‘he’, not an ‘it’.

Why that exactly stayed in my mind, I can’t tell. It distracted me from everything else.

I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.

It sounded like a truck hitting a mountain next to me, right there, where the exit was. He smashed against it more than just once. Honestly, I think he tried to break it down. I cursed myself for not knowing his name.

“Please”, I whispered hoarsely, since I didn’t know what else to do.

There was no chance of moving away and if I had been able to, I still wouldn’t have been physically capable of stopping him. But knowing that he was so outraged because of how they had treated me made me feel so strangely safe that I somehow found the strength to focus and talk to him.

“Please you are going to hurt yourself.”

And he stopped. I could hear him breathe heavily.

How I wished at that moment that I could do something to calm him down. I didn’t care that I couldn’t see him, but it drove me insane that I couldn’t touch him, only to comfort him, to calm him down, but there was nothing I could do.

Almost nothing.

“Come here”, I whispered and I told myself silently that I was insane.

He was probably in the exact same state when he had hurt me so badly. Yet, I already had told him to come. So, I tried to go with it, leaning in his direction, as far as the chains and manacles let me, hoping that he somehow understood, because I had no idea what I was doing.

The first thing I felt was his cheek against mine. And with that, my question had been answered: no fur, but skin, stubbly, but it was a face, even though somehow warped, but still a face.

He moved closer and buried his face into my hair and I could feel his uneven breath on my neck.

It made me feel so strange. I don’t know why I reacted to this like that. All of the sudden I wanted him closer, even closer, and I tried to move my face closer to his.

“It’s okay”, I whispered, hoping that White couldn’t hear it. “I’m okay. I’m still...”

I couldn’t believe what I had almost said, what I had thought in that moment. But the most unbelievable thing was that he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him. And... I didn’t imagine that.

“Mine”, he said “mine.”

He had spoken. It had sounded like a raspy, throaty hum, still definitely like that word.

I still feel goose bumps, it still makes me shudder, and feel warm in places I shouldn’t. I should be terrified about this. That little, small, tiny word, that means so much.

He thinks I’m his. Why? How can he? And still... still it gives me such a strange, fuzzy feeling...

“Back off”, White’s voice sounded through the speakers again and before I knew what I was doing I said “no”.

It was nothing but a mere whisper and I don’t know if White actually heard it, but he – my Beast – definitely did. I could sense it. In the way he hesitated moving away, how his hands brushed off my body and how his lips briefly touched my neck. I felt like I was burning without being burned.

Now I am wide awake in my bed, thinking of him, and – oh God, help me – wanting nothing more than to feel him. I am sick, so sick. This is insane.

Day 33

Are they punishing him? Or me?

White didn’t even show up. I probably shouldn’t think of him as a regular visitor. But everything, even this despicable... being, just makes a day different. Maybe I interpret too much into his absence, or him being around, or everything.

Reading doesn’t get my mind off anything right now. Not after yesterday. They make it far too easy to hate them and to... appreciate his – the beast’s – affection.

But hey, at least I got my iPod and my station, so it went well, right? As if this would be anything positive. Sure. Like this would mean a thing here.

I am still their prisoner, still their test subject, still ‘his’.

Why does this make me shudder in such a warm way?

I need to see him. I so desperately need to see him.

I can’t focus, I can’t read, and music barely helps. I just can imagine how he must feel. Is his day even like mine?

I don’t know! I don’t know anything about him, not even his name! Apart from that he can speak.

I know I already wrote this. But I swear he said ‘mine’, this wasn’t my imagination.

All I can think about is what happened, and how insanely angry he was. And still he didn’t hurt me.

Not like the last time.

And this almost made me smash my iPod against the wall, because that’s what it was about. Despite being so furious... he still didn’t maul me to shreds.

It was a positive development.

Thinking that he might be an ape... an ape has no freaking claws that are able to tear through layers of skin, which grow or retreat, or has non-hairy arms. An ape cannot stand up as straight that he can... do me like that. Apes cannot talk.

Day 34

Same: Breakfast, workout, shower, Lunch, music, and Dinner. I was asking myself if everyone outside there even misses me. It’s ridiculous that I am annoyed about it. They kidnapped me just to lock me away.

I am sure that he misses me. And I miss him, which annoys me even more. And then I wonder if he can say more than that. I mean, what if he is half human? I start asking myself WHAT he is apart from human. I want to see him, really see him, his eyes, and his face. Not only because I need to know what he really is. Or is this the only reason?

I want to talk to him. Or do I only need to know that he is mainly human? So that I can... be relieved about the fact that I am not disturbed? Because I feel... what do I feel exactly? I don’t know what to think, because I sure as hell don’t know what it is what I’m feeling.

Day 35

I am going mad.

Breakfast, workout, and Lunch.

I’m listening to music right now, trying to distract myself, but all I can think about is... him... and how much I... want him. I am sick. I am completely mad.

This is sick.

I just... want this to be a dream and wake up. I swear I will start talking to people, and try to make friends, and to get a boyfriend and become a normal, average, boring human being, like I thought I always was, and stop thinking about being WHATEVER by a... beast. I don’t know anything about him.

Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Because he is a prisoner just like me, because he’s the only one I can relate to here. Even though I am human and he is... partly not.

White has just been here, being all smug again, and congratulating me on the progress I had with the subject.

I wanted to know his name.

“If you want to call it something, just give it a name”, he answered to that.

“But he has to have one. Anything”, I responded. “It’s not like I will recognize him, right? Or go out and talk to anyone.”

He laughed at my words and looked quite amused.

“So when is my next session?” I wanted to know, since he didn’t want to give me an answer.

“Why?" was his reply, “Do you miss him?”

“Is he the subject or me?” I simply asked back and earned a cocked brow, but no words, instead he kept leaning close to my knob-less door with his arms crossed.

And then he just walked to me and grabbed my arm, pulling me towards him and looked at me in a way that gave me the chills.

Suddenly I was afraid that he would... hit me or… force me. I couldn’t put his look anywhere, was not able to read its meaning. And then he dragged me towards the door, and knocked.

I wasn’t sure if he would take me to the cage or not, if he wanted to kill me now and get rid of me, because I had pissed him off, or not.

For a moment I panicked because I didn’t know if his men had brought me to the right room or not.

The worst thing was: I wasn’t blindfolded. And I wasn’t shackled to the wall. It was just me, an empty cell and the bars that divided the cage into one quarter where I was standing and three quarters on his side.

“Turn around”, White spoke through the speakers and I did without thinking.

My eyes fell on the cuffs with which I usually was shackled to the wall.

“Clothes off.”

I froze and looked up to the speaker. Right next to it was black glass.

They were watching.

I am sure that it is a window from the other side.

“Do you want me to send the men in to do it for you?”

He sounded more bored than annoyed or something like that. So, I obeyed and imagined how he thought that I was a good girl. Knowing that he watched me right then and there gave me eerie goose bumps.

However, I undressed myself and then I waited, staring at the cuffs and my clothes at my feet, wondering if he wanted me to blindfold or chain myself. But there wasn’t another order, just that metallic sound of the barred wall being removed. That sound paralyzed me. Instinctively, my hands touched the rough concrete wall in front of me, higher than I would have if I had been handcuffed. My body started to shake, and I tried to make myself believe that it was only because of the cool temperature of the room, and not because of anything else.

What White wanted him to do was pretty obvious to me. And I closed my eyes even before the moment I could feel his fingers on my hips.

A sigh escaped my mouth. So gentle again, even though these claws I knew could wound me so terribly.

As if he had sensed that I thought about that, his fingers slid to my scars, re-drawing their lines, making the same movement that had torn through my flesh. But it didn’t terrify me.

Oh no, quite the opposite.

My breath turned shallow, my knees became wobbly, and my heart sped up and it was tickling all over me. And I was melting.

Then again he brushed my hair away from my neck, the tips of his claws harmlessly grazing my skin, making me shiver warmly. I leaned my head aside automatically and that was it. Lips and teeth on my soft skin, sending a piercing flash through my nerves, boiling up my core.

Just as equally exciting to feel his body against my back, his chest against my shoulder blades and... the proof that I did to him exactly what he did to me.

If I wanted to I could see him, if I wanted to look at him, if I wanted to touch him, all I needed to do was to turn around. But I was frozen, paralyzed by his touch. And my eyes were closed, while my mind started creating an alternate reality, where this was some secret place where I met my unknown lover, after I sneaked from my dorm in the middle of the night. I was not there, and he wasn’t either. We weren’t prisoners, not in a cage, no subjects.

His hands exploded on my body, running across my skin, gently, like he wanted to caress every inch of me. And he did. I caught myself leaning my head backwards and against him. He simply continued playing the instrument that was me. The moment he sensed the wetness between my legs, this sonnet was over.

His hands were on my hips the second after he entered me. And I... I seemed to just have waited to make these inhuman sounds again. How it felt sensing him push himself inside me was just... indescribable. Oh yes, it did hurt again. I wanted it. I needed it. I deserved it, because I wanted him to take me. And it was wrong. It is wrong. So wrong, wanting to be fucked by someone, something, I didn’t know. He was slower this time. And I could feel how he fought to control himself, compose himself, so that he would hurt me as little as possible. It felt so good.

He was pouring oil over the fire that had waited inside of me, igniting my veins, while my skin was freezing. Knowing that he wanted to ravish me again like the first time, but trying not to because he obviously didn’t want to hurt me. This feeling is far beyond words.

I had to support myself, pressing my hands against the wall. And like that I knew I just...

“Deeper”, I exhaled and I sensed how he hesitated, tensed, before he did what I asked for and forced another moan from my throat.

“Oh God”, I heard myself breathing out like it was a repetitive recording.

“It feels... so good.” I whispered, partly because I had no air left and also because I didn’t want White to hear.

His strokes became deeper and harder, stealing every chance from me to whisper anything more. All I could do was moan. Yes, like a whore. But I was HIS whore.

Just look what I am writing, how insane, mad, crazy, disturbed I am, but I did not care, not at all, not a bit.

As I heard him answering with the same sound he almost pushed me over and he sensed it. And that was when he lost it. I had to claw into the wall and push myself away from the concrete, so that he wouldn’t smack me against the stone. I could feel his thrusts in my entire body, in my very bones, and even if I would have wanted to, there was no way to hold back my voice.

Suddenly he pulled me up, wrapping one arm around me, gripping my breast while he continued doing me. I had to arch my back. It felt insane, this angle. Then he pressed me against the wall.

The rough material was grazing across my skin, my stomach, my breasts, and one side of my face. I kept my eyes closed even though his face was close to mine. I couldn’t move and maybe that was why I could feel him explode inside of me that intensely, which made me come just in the exact same way. Another two thrusts as I was still pinned against the wall, followed by numbness.

I expected White to tell him to back off again, but he didn’t. So my beast held me there, until he had to pull out, breathing down on me. And I fought the urge to open my eyes. So I did the only thing that I could: took one hand and reached behind my face: to touch his.

It didn’t feel like an ape, but not human either, at least not completely. Still, I couldn’t find out, because all of the sudden he was gone, without any order, like my touch had scared him away. He didn’t want me to do that.

It cut a hole in my stomach, and left me freezing on the ground, tearing up silently.