The Beast and Me (25 page)

And I... I didn’t do anything.

I just looked back at him, not knowing what to feel. It was too much. My mind quit until I heard something we both hadn’t expected, maybe even the three of us, Peter, that guy behind the door and me: “Peter.”

Jay’s voice was distorted, low, inhuman, and still I could comprehend what he said and so did 16. I... I can’t describe that look on his face when Jay said his name. It was like these five letters had been bullets to his heart, every single one of them, and they had just killed him.

Honestly, I expected that Peter would just grab me and... I don’t know... take what he thought he deserved, maybe? But he didn’t.

Instead, he tensed, muscles flexing, jaw clenching. I could see the muscles in his neck tauten, I could see the color of his eyes turn again and he flinched, like he needed to hold himself back from doing something and he looked at me. His head slightly lowered, not even an inch and for less than a second, and I knew what he wanted to do.

He didn’t.

I had never witnessed Peter moving that fast. I just blinked and he was gone, standing next to the door with his back to me and his head almost hanging down.

And I... I couldn’t move.

“Get her back.”

And that was it. That was what made Peter turn around with his face nothing but a blank mask.

I realized it when he moved what these words meant.

There was someone else.

I was sure right then and there it was White, who had watched us, maybe he was, but it had been someone else.

Again, I have to think about what Severin once had said to me: that Jay was even more important than him. Maybe, just maybe, his last punishment had gone too far and someone else had taken his place.

Still, I don’t have enough strength to really hope for this. I only caught a glimpse of Jay when Peter reached out his arm so I would move. He looked back at me. Still the Beast he was and I think, when I stepped through that door again, I heard him whisper my name.

Day 84

I slept through the night, dead like a stone. After yesterday I thought I would never be able to sleep again. But as the lights went out and I closed my eyes, I was out as well. At least I managed to move my tools into the vent, even though I probably will never really use them.

So, what are my chances? My choices? Can I endure this place long enough to gain this new guy’s trust? Or did I mistake that sound and it was still Severin? There is no way that I will ever talk to Peter again. I just... I just can’t. I think I will never get over it. Even though... knowing that he... what he feels for me... I could use that, but this wouldn’t be playing with fire, this would be playing with fire while being covered with gasoline.

I liked him so much, I really did. I felt so bad for using him, and he... he said too much but didn’t tell me anything. This was never friendship.

I have to get my mind off of this. There is no way that I will get out here by accident. So tonight I will take the big risk and I’ll break into the janitor room, taking the ventilation system once again.

Anything to keep my mind off what I have learned.

This means I will work out like hell today that I’ll get tired after Lunch and get some sleep and then tonight... I wish I could visit him, but he won’t be there.

I wish I could talk to him. We’ll have enough time when we’re out of here. Though... do I know him well enough?

I’ll go back to Tai Chi now. I never imagined how much writing helps me focus, or makes me lose it.

Everything worked out as planned, until after Lunch. Yes, I did get some sleep, just to be ripped out of it by Gray... and Peter.

I woke up during the walk down the corridor, still believing that this was a nightmare, that yesterday had been a nightmare, and Peter still was the nice guy I thought he had been.

I think I would have been scared as hell if I had been fully conscious and probably expected the worst: like I was being taken to have a ‘session’ with Peter; not even that they might have found out that I took his access wristband for breaking into the storage room. But I knew they didn’t, because I still had my tools. If Peter really knew, really had been awake, he hadn’t spilled a word.

They brought me into that small chamber, which I barely recognized, because White stood in front of me grinning all smugly. With just a gesture he told the others to leave and I tried my best to find my way back into the role he wanted me to play, knowing what Peter was, knowing that he followed orders so willingly, so obediently. Were they all Beasts? Gray as well?

“You were sleeping? I apologize”, he said in a manner that I had problems swallowing down my rage and spiteful remarks, because he didn’t even try to conceal the lie.

So I kept silent and glared at the floor panels through my eyelashes.

“Also, I’m sorry to say that we need your... services”, he continued and I swear I almost burned the ground with my stare hearing this, but he took my breath away: “... no... assistance. That is rather the proper definition, is it?”

I couldn’t help but look at him in puzzlement.

“You were right. You have an influence on him that no one else has. I am sure this is because of your unique... situation”, Severin continued – go figure.

I cannot put into words how much I despise the way he gestures while he talks in this know-it-all-tone. This, combined with the look he gives to me. I’m not imagining this. There is something about it. I know what it means, but I refuse to believe. Simply because if this glance really means that he, somehow, in that sick and twisted mind of his, is attracted to me I would have an outstanding opportunity. Maybe this would even be the quickest way. I... I want to puke out my stomach just thinking of...

Later, I will try to get used to that thought later.

I was already sure that whatever awaited me at the end of Jay’s cage, I wouldn’t appreciate it, I wouldn’t like it, it would certainly terrify me in a certain way, but now, now I was petrified, horrified. The dim light still wasn’t enough for me to see across the room. And the silence drowned me. When it was broken, I didn’t feel like tearing through the surface and inhaling the air, it felt like being pulled deeper into the void, failing to hold my breath and sucking in dirty, gooey water.

A clangor of chains. A low groan.

Right then and there, out of nowhere, I asked myself what the dim lights were for, why it had to be this way, if it was simply White’s sick taste.

I didn’t know, like I still don’t know. It wasn’t really important, why, but because of the anger that me asking in the first place evoked. The ire was like a strong kick of my legs, bringing me back above the water, above the fear. Being petrified and scared, wouldn’t help anyone, and it wouldn’t change the situation.

Everything was different in that moment. It wasn’t me waiting at the other end for Jay to come over and grant me a moment of bliss, of escaping this place. It was him waiting for me and I would come over no matter what.

I reached the other end, which lay in almost complete darkness. There he was, meaning I heard him before I was able to see him: his growl, close to a snarl and chains clinging, without any resonation. Heavy chains, the kind I probably would never be able to even lift.

His wrists cuffed and the chain attached to the manacles was pulled though an anchor in the wall behind him, far above his head. He still was there, in the same position, as the day before.

They hadn’t moved him, and I wondered if they had even given him anything to eat or to drink.

As soon as he heard me approaching, he leaped towards me, making his hands, along with his arms, and shoulders, snap backwards, leaning into his joints so that he could move forward as far as possible, trying to reach me with his fangs.

He was fully changed, baring his teeth, gnarling at me angrily, trying to attack me.

I swallowed dryly and somehow, somehow I managed not to flinch, not to retreat. Jay didn’t recognize me.

The Beast didn’t know who I was.

I couldn’t see the human in those bright green eyes. Every vein in his body seemed swollen and he was covered with cuts and slashes, some of them already healed, others still about to. His skin was smeared, stained with what I guessed was dried blood, but I couldn’t tell if all of it was really his. Definitely he hadn’t allowed anyone near him to tend to his injuries and his chest was still heaving, maybe even more when I dared looking at him.

I felt like someone had clawed through my heart to let it bleed out. I think I gasped, and I found my hand covering my mouth, my eyes burning, my throat aching.

He reacted to that, leaning into the chains even more, creating a noise emphasizing his low growl. I had to look down, just to inhale cautiously because I had held my breath in shock. The ground was stained, and though I could barely see the colors there: I know it was blood as well. Basically, it was everywhere. I was the sole clean spot in this place.

That was when I was cut loose from whatever held me back. I didn’t think about the possibility that he might try to hurt me and I believe his instinct was rather prepared for him getting hurt AGAIN. Since his hands were pulled back and my reaction was so different from what he was expecting, I thought to see confusion in his eyes, and then bewilderment as I enfolded his warped face with my hands. I didn’t care about acting. I know I should have acted differently for White, but screw him.

“What have they done to you?” I whispered, unintentionally, I just wasn’t able to bring out a real sound; the metaphorical water I had been drowning in, still clung to my vocal cords.

“Jay.”

I think me saying his name did have an effect.

Maybe he recognized me, yet he didn’t change back, not a bit, and his body didn’t stop shivering from tension, or his chest from heaving. I am sure he would have ripped anyone that stepped inside his reach into little square pieces, without hesitation.

And I, yes, I was aware of that, but I could also see his pupils focusing on me, in a different way than before. He didn’t glare at me anymore, but watched me incredulously. I brushed my thumbs across his cheeks and he slowly stopped baring his teeth.

“Jay”, I whispered once more and his breathing seemed to become steadier, calmer, maybe he remembered my touch.

And then I hugged him.

I didn’t know what else to do. It felt almost like I slipped, lost balance and fell against him – that’s probably what it looked like through that horrific window.

I felt terrible, helpless, desperate and I could only imagine how he must feel. No, I know exactly how he felt, because White had done the same to me, more or less.

And he... Jay pressed his face into my neck and I think he relaxed just a little, didn’t fall into the chains fully, as I tried to avoid the open cuts. I didn’t realize that he was moving backwards until I felt his hands on my waist. So, I shoved him further back gently.

Even now, as I write this, I don’t believe that he was ever thinking of hurting me, that all he wanted was to wrap his arms around me and pull me close so tightly that he unintentionally pushed the air out of my lungs.

Still, he was so upset, so tense, so on edge that I had no idea how to change that. His jerking breath rolled off my collarbone, his pulse hammered against my skin.

I didn’t care that White had asked me for it, I myself needed to calm him down, so that he could feel better. I stroked his hair tenderly and kissed his cheek chastely, but it wasn’t enough.

“I’m here”, I whispered as we had reached the wall, while I was continuing to stroke his hair. “I’m not going to leave you. I’m here.”

It didn’t help. Whatever I did, it seemed pointless, but I wouldn’t give up that easily. With his limited means he had managed to gain my trust, to win my heart not overnight, but weeks. If I had to, I would stay here just as long.

So I leaned away from him just enough to be able to enfold his face again. He was too much Beast than to be ashamed of his appearance. I noticed instantly and I didn’t really know why, despite him not avoiding my look or evading my direct approach.

At that moment, I guess, I understood what Severin had meant. The Beast looked straight back at me, studying my face, grazing my features with his glance, trying to read my expression. And I... I did the only thing I could think of to make him feel better, the only thing I knew that would work.

I know who he is; I don’t care what he is.

I know what he feels for me, what I mean to him, and that is the absolute opposite of what he feels for everyone else. So I kissed him, pressed my lips against his slightly opened mouth, holding his face between my palms. I think I surprised him as much as I surprised myself. His reaction, however, was as human as it could possibly be. His claws ran up my back without hurting me, rather tickling me, speeding up my heartbeat, and pressed me against him as he was kissing me back, instantly. I literally could feel something flipping the switch inside of him. The temperature changed. Even though this wasn’t what I had been thinking of but I instantly caught fire. He set me on fire. Especially as one of his hands moved back down my spine to my tail bone, pressing my lap against his, while his mouth brushed across my cheek so that his tongue could trail down my neck to my collarbone.

And just like that I wanted him. I can’t explain it. I don’t want to. I know he sensed it and I know how to interpret it, so I leaned my head back, exposing my throat, so he could move his lips across the gauzy skin.

I know what that means in wildlife, and it does still mean the same to human beings. His breath rolled over my neck in a forceful wave, infecting me with whatever caught hold of him.

What followed is nothing more than a blur in my head. I felt his hands and arms on my skin and soon after his lips, his tongue on my chest, as my hands were on his, counting the little scars and healed cuts while he was torturing me in the only sweet way we both knew. No matter how many pieces of clothing I lost, I didn’t stop burning. The fever didn’t cool down, but intensified.

How can I explain why and how arousing it felt to sense his claws, fingers and lips on my skin? And how horrible not being able to lie down and have him even closer? All thoughts and sounds that were not ours vanished into nonexistence.

When he got down, pulling off my pants, and kissed me, he melted me down so I almost lost balance, but he held me tightly, while I became dizzy.

I was sure, that these moans weren’t mine, but I know that there was no one else in there with us.

And I knew that his tongue was teasing, tormenting, playing the instrument that was me. I dug my hands into his hair and pulled it when I came, outpouring myself, every self, my entire being into his hold.

It seems so unreal thinking about it.

There was nothing left of me as he rose up in front of me. He was standing again, still all fueled up, his eyes drooping yet glowing, making my heart jump with pleasant excitement. All I knew was that I didn’t want him to fling me around to the wall, that I needed this time to be different. So it was me taking action.

I really did. I tumbled towards him, almost crushing my lips into his and pushed him back, bringing my hands down to make sure that he did lose his pants, while my tongue distracted him and... I told him...