The Bathrobe Knight (52 page)

“Don’t I need milk? I mean, wait, go back to the story. I knew your nickname?” Eve said, unsure if it was safe to eat the cookie without milk.

“Yeah, my actual name is Charles and only people down at the office call me Darwin, but there you were saying it over and over again every time I tried to call or leave to get help: ‘Darwin! No! Darwin! No! Come back!’ I gotta say it really freaked me out, so I kind of had to figure out what was going on, and, uh . . . that was four days ago.”

“Four . . . four days ago?” Eve forgot that she was naked and started to try and climb out of bed when Charles stopped her with a hand on the shoulder, pushing her back down, quickly reminding her of the pain that came with movement.

“Yes, four days ago. I know you probably have an urgent task, but whatever it is, you need to relax and get some rest,” Charles urged, firmly pushing her back into the bed. “You’ve gotten some orange juice in you, so now close your eyes and let your body use it. I’ll be here when you wake up with some more fresh juice.”

No, I can’t sleep. I need to . . . I need to help Darwin . . . I have to . . .
she tried to say, but for some reason as soon as her head touched the pillow again, even thinking was difficult. She only closed her eyes for a moment and found that she couldn’t open them again.
This can’t just be a bed, is this some kind of trap? Why is it so warm and comfortable . . .  how does anyone escape this awful trap . . . it’s so snuggly like--like a hug made out of silk and . . .
she fell asleep again.

She opened her eyes again except this time it was dark. She couldn’t see anything well, but she could make out Charles’ sleeping figure next to her, holding a cookie.
Has he been sleeping next to me every day? Has he not left my side? Why does he care so much?
she wondered to herself as she leaned up, holding her side.

Trying to be as quiet as possible, she stood up and took the cookie from Charles’ hand as she did her best to sneak out of the room unnoticed. She looked around for her guns as soon as she cleared the room. She had expected them to be hidden, hard to find in one of the hundreds of easily openable chests and storage units the man had for some reason deemed necessary to have in his domicile. Instead though, they were hung neatly by their straps on a rod with his coat by a door she could only assume was the exit. Her ammunition was in a box next to it.
Well, that’s convenient,
she thought as she took reached for the guns and took a bite of her cookie,
holy crap this is delicious. How do people even get mad with these amazing cookies around?

Wait. Focus. I need to find Darwin.
Eve shook her head free of the cookie thoughts.
This cookie is just another trap, like the bed, to distract me from my mission. Cunning, Mr. Charles, cunning, but you won’t stop me from completing my mission.

Eve opened the door, certain it was the exit, only to find a hallway filled with more doors on either side of her.
What the heck? What is with this maze? I’ve only seen this type of set up in the old buildings and the prisons back on our world. Was he a jailor? Was that room meant to be a prison cell I wouldn’t recognize?

She tried not to think about it as she made her way left down the hallway towards the bright red ‘EXIT’ sign above a door at the end. As she got halfway down the hallway, a door, three or four doors behind her, opened and a guy popped out and immediately froze. Eve, who had stopped and turned to see who it was, automatically trained her gun on him by instinct.

“I know the expression is I’d die just to see a girl that hot, but do you have to shoot me, pretty naked lady?” the frumpy-looking, plaid-wearing man said as he dropped his keys and put his hands in the air.

Naked? Oh, crap, I forgot my clothes!
Eve covered herself the best she could while pulling her trigger and lighting the man up from chest to forehead.
Sorry, but, I just can’t risk you being a plant from Stephanie,
Eve thought as she headed back to Charles’ room.
I need some clothes. I’m in enough pain without trying to run braless.

When she got back in Charles’ room though, she couldn’t find her clothes. She started searching through the wooden-floored rooms, opening every closet and cabinet looking for her clothes. All she found were several pairs of men’s clothing with waists too big to wear, which she knew for certain after trying once.

What the hell am I going to do?
she sighed as she sat down at one of the chairs pulled up to a table.
If I just woke him up, he could tell me where the clothes are.
As she wrestled with the decision in her head, he opened the door and came out of the room with the bed.

“Didn’t think you’d be moving around this much--oh, oh, your clothes are by your bed,” he said, covering his eyes as soon as he realized she was naked. “I had them washed and cleaned up for you, so put them on. You can’t just be running around naked.”

“Thanks.” Eve felt stupid for not checking around her in the first place when she got up earlier. “I’ll be right back.”

*Knock Knock Knock*
Eve heard the heavy beating on Charles’ front door as she finished buttoning up her shirt.

“Yes, officer, can I help you?” Charles asked someone at the door. Eve wanted to check it out, but she didn’t know who it was, so she stayed in her room and gripped her gun tight, aiming it at the door instead.

“Just asking some routine questions regarding an earlier incident. Have you heard anything or seen anything lately?” the voice asked.

Earlier incident? Does he mean me shooting that guy in the hallway earlier?
Eve puzzled.

“No, nothing out of the ordinary. I was just making myself some breakfast? Would you like to come in and take a look around though? Would that help?” Charles asked.

That idiot, if he comes in, then I’ll have to kill him too.
Eve grumbled, her trigger finger itching nervously.

“That’s quite alright, citizen. We’ll come back later if we have any additional questions.”

“Um, Officer, just out of curiosity, what was the incident?”

“Oh, a man in your hallway was shot earlier. We have reason to believe from the strange bullet wounds that it’s tied to the string of killings earlier this week done by the crazy red-eyed girl holding the baby. If you see or hear anything, give me a call at this number.”

“Thanks, Officer, I’ll make sure to,” Charles replied before the sound of the door shutting let Eve know it was safe to come out.

Eve walked into the main room, her gun pointed right at Charles.

“Are you going to call that number?” Eve asked, motioning to the card Charles was holding.

“Calm down. if I had wanted to turn you in I would have done so right then. I’m on your side,” he said, his hands in the air just like the man in the hallways were. “I’m not interested in the dead guy. I’m interested in that blue portal I saw you appear from. I’m interested in why your eyes are red and why you were healing from that wound before anyone even started operating on you.”

“The blue portal? You saw the portal!” Eve asked, not moving her gun an inch.

“Yes, I saw the portal. Look, I’ve been honest with you, and I’ve helped you out. Now, I know you’re here for a reason, and I’m more than happy to help you, but I just need you to trust me for a minute. I need you to put the gun down, take a seat, and tell me what you need.” Charles motioned to one of the chairs by the table.

Eve looked at the door. She knew she didn’t have any leads to go on, and she knew she didn’t know the area at all. If she was to find Stephanie and operate in this world, she needed his help, and he obviously wanted something from her in return.

“Alright, I’ll answer some of your questions, but I need to know who you work for and what you hope to get out of me,” Eve said, relaxing her grip on her gun and letting it slide its aim to the floor.

“Well, for starters, I’m Charles, a scientist working on an Artificial Intelligence engine. As far as my goals, like I said, I’m a scientist. I just want to learn and explore the unknown, and that portal was definitely unknown.” He gave a half smile and tilted his face. “I just want to be the person to ask the questions about something that, as far as I can tell, no one else has ever seen before.”

Eve walked forward, set her gun down on the table and sat in one of the chairs circling it. “Alright, but can I get another one of those cookies?”

“A chocolate chip cookie? Sure, but you’re going to have to try it with milk. Trust me.” Charles smiled, laughed a bit, and went to the kitchen to get her a cookie. They had a lot to talk about, and it was definitely not going to be a short night.

THE RELIQUARY

The Reliquary

The Monster Manual
:

The Burglar
: If you’ve ever had to pay money for locks, a security system, and theft insurance, you can thank this mob. Adverse to hard work and determined to take that which is not theirs, the only thing worse than their impact on family vacations is their often awful fashion sense and insistence on wearing women’s lingerie and ski attire for masks.

Strengths
: Good at acting dangerous to pick up less than intelligent mates.

Weaknesses:
Dogs, police officers, and angry mothers.

Deer-Frog
: Old men aren’t the only ones who are horny when they croak; so are the Deer Frogs. Their creepy, giant googly-eyes are always following their prey. For those who aren’t careful, a quick tongue will latch onto its victim and pull the giant man-sized frog straight into its prey, or the other way around depending on size, leaving its antlers firmly planted in its victim.

Strengths
: Giant man-sized flies, beer commercials, tap dancing.

Weakness:
Fire, Ice

Ogre:
Mean, clunky, and bigger by the level. Often thought of as a savage and barbaric creature by those who hunt them for experience or items, the Ogre actually is a very calm creature who often seeks to achieve a state of inner peace and has thus discarded most if not all of its material possessions and wants. Unfortunately, living in a forest surrounded by aggressive adventurers has trained the ogre to keep a maul as a form of self defense.

Strength:
Big. Big Big. Super Big.

Weakness
: Lazy and fond of comfortable places to rest when no-one is looking.

Turtle-Wolf
: Standing on two legs like a dog that thinks he is human, the wolf inside the shell has manlike hands tapered off with claws instead of paws, and a twisting, swiveling long neck that lets you know the shell isn’t the only part of the creature that is turtle. It has all the defense of a fully armored soldier coupled with the aggression of a rabid wolf.

Strengths
: Racing rabbits, chasing cars, tracking

Weakness
: Has trouble standing up if pushed on its back, fence posts.  

Demon-Mole
: They have all the standard red, beady-eyed attributes of a demon, but they are moles. Raised on a diet of guacaMole, aniMole crackers, and Mole-assus, one has more to fear from their imMole-ating abilities than their Mole-ars, though both can ensure a disMole fate for a foe.

Strengths
: Spying, sneaking behind enemy lines, making a black spot on someone’s skin.

Weakness
: 6.02 x 10^23

Black Bear
: Sometimes a bear is just a bear, and that’s all there is to it. With nothing but muscles, claws and an appetite greater than its cuteness, beware of the bear.

Strengths
: Bear Arms, Salmon, Napping

Weakness
: Honeypots, bees, overnapping

Beetle-Bee:
With one horn in the front, and one horn in the back, the four foot long Beetle-Bee is deadly from both ends. Its favorite method of attacking is using its wings to propel it into its foe horn first and swinging its stinger into it as soon as impact occurs.

Strengths:
Japanese gambling games, flower collecting

Weakness
: Strong Winds, Alcohol (A drunk Beetle-Bee is more sad than deadly)