The Bathrobe Knight (2 page)

“Only because I . . . I left the fight early to . . . to make it to the meeting!” the soldier stuttered, his eyes looking to the Councilmen gathered at the front of the crowds that flanked his left and right sides for help. They just smiled though. His purpose had been served, and the King knew they would do nothing to save a used-up pawn.

“But you’re certain it was Black-Wings then?” He pressed. Victory was his. If this day was going to wound the King’s authority, it would need to end the Messenger’s life too.  

Yes. Because of the . . .” his lie that had run so far from truth had come full stop against the wall of his stupidity, cornered by his lack of wits.

“Guards. Thank this man for his news and drag him to the dungeons where he will await execution for desertion during combat.” Unlike the Messenger, who had faked it, the King was genuinely solemn as he issued the order. This small win of the day would do nothing to stop the effect of the news.

“Yes your Ma--” One of the Guards began to approach the soon to be prisoner while speaking when he was cut off by a bright white flash coming from the summoning circle next to the giant wooden double doors.

When the light faded, all that could be seen by the curious silent crowd was one man standing in the center of the golden-gilded summoning circle. The summoning circle, usually only used by court magicians, had never activated without at least three magicians to complete the process, and it certainly had never created such a bright light before. Yet here it had done both, and there stood a man that had left even the battle-hardened soldiers surprised and awestruck.

The King, quickly sizing the man up, saw an opportunity. The people needed hope after the bad news, and he needed a distraction. Here was both. The tall, muscular man’s red eyes looked like the Devil’s, his feet were covered in so much blood he had obviously just come from an incredibly intense battlefield, and he had showed up without needing summoning . . . or had he? This could work.

“Ah, the man of the hour has come sooner than expected!” The King shouted to the crowd, standing up now and walking toward the new arrival. “This man, my friends, is the battle hardened hero I have summoned to win back our front lines! This man will bring us victory where just moments ago we had only defeat in our mouth.”

The man looked more confused than the Councilmen at throne side of the room trying to get a better look at him.

“I will?” The red-eyed man asked, looking around like it was his first time ever seeing a castle.

“Good. Glad to hear it.” The King, still not certain the barbarian wasn’t going to murder him on the spot as he approached, pretended the question was a declaration and just carried on, ignoring Darwin’s concerns entirely.
He doesn’t have to win. He just has to buy enough time for the 7
th
Legion to report a victory. If I can make a big enough spectacle of him, the Council will be too busy trying to figure out who he is to keep meddling in my army’s affairs. Now I just have to make a scene and make him disappear before it gets unwieldy.
“So, great warrior, before we send you on your holy quest, what is your weapon of choice? What have you killed the most men with?”

“Killed . . . I killed a man with a butter knife?” He responded, leaving the entire crowd stricken for words.

“A . . . butter knife you say? Wondrous! You see, my people, we have nothing to worry. This man, a man who casually kills with butter knives and salad forks, has traveled great distances to save us from the monster invasions plaguing our borders! We have nothing to fear anymore. Breathe easy and know that fortune has shined on us today. All of you here have born witness to the strength of his summoning. All of you have seen his dreadful visage. So go! Spread the news of coming victory!” The King’s speech rattled out in the manner he knew would leave the peasants gossiping for days and the Councilmen furious.
See, you fools? It’s my Kingdom. Even fate doesn’t like the idea of filthy uncooked bacon wearing a Crown.
“And you, brave warrior from afar, do you have any words before we send you out to the battlefield, unfairly resting our burdens on your shoulders?”

“Well . . . about the weapon . . . you see actually--” he abruptly stopped before he finished his thought. One of the bodyguards loyal to the King had, unbeknownst to even the King, left the courtroom and returned with a beautiful 6 piece set of golden dinnerware laid neatly on a white silk napkin that he held out in front of him for the red eyed man to pick from.

You’re going to be eating better than me for a month, you brilliant man,
the King thought as he saw the Guard presenting the dinnerware. The Guard had saved precious moments that this man could have used to say something that would discredit the story he was building, but the man still had to choose a weapon.

“Go ahead. It’s okay. Choose one of your weapons, and take with it our eternal gratitude, hero.” The King sometimes wanted to throw up in his own mouth as he spouted out such terribly fake lines. He did his best to signal the court mages without alerting the man to what was going on while he spoke, but his nervousness didn’t fade until he saw the circle begin to glow a faint white light.

As soon as the man grabbed a utensil, the King smiled and said, “To the front lines! To victory!” and quickly queued the court mages to finish the final step of the spell and teleport the red-eyed man out of the court. The white flash covered the room and when it was gone, so was the King’s worry. Today had been fortuitous. Not just to him, but to his Kingdom and everyone that wasn’t a filthy, piggish Councilman.

“Well, do we have any more business to attend to?” he asked, but the crowd said nothing. They were all still shocked by the devil-man’s sudden appearance. “No, does the Council not even have a request?”

None of them spoke. The noisy clatter of whispered gossip was gone, and everyone was just staring at the circle until finally one of the youngest Councilmen managed to ask, “What weapon did he take, Sire?”

The King, having forgotten to check himself, finally looked over at the five utensils to see which one was missing. “He took a soup spoon. Is there anything else?” The quiet was broken with muffled murmurs again. If someone had asked another question he hadn’t heard it.

What type of madman goes into battle with a soup spoon?
the King thought, looking at the Guard whose face was just as twisted in thought as his was.
He adjusted his Crown one more time and left the courtroom.
I’ve got work to do, and I don’t know how much longer I have to do it.

Darwin
:

Darwin rubbed his eyes as the light faded from around him to find himself in the middle of a rather beautiful grass field.
The front lines? What front lines is he talking about? This is just a plain, empty field. Though, it's probably for the best. I'm not sure I'd be able to get myself even a proper death with just this spoon? If only it hadn’t had such a pretty emblem on it, I would have grabbed the knife first,
Darwin thought, looking at the weird dragon crest that sat on the top of the tiny spoon.
God, this field is beautiful though. It’s just like the field in one of the video games, except with much better graphics. Is it always this beautiful outside?

As Darwin stood in the middle of the seemingly-empty grass field, he began to hear a faint scream in the distance. "Aaaaahhhh!!!!!!"
What in the heck is that?
he wondered. "Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!!" The noise kept coming closer and closer to Darwin.
Is that a man coming at me? What is he doing? Is he holding an Axe? Holy crap! He's holding an Axe! What the hell, man? He's holding an Axe, and all I have is . . . is a Spoon? What the heck do I do? Is he still screaming? How does he keep screaming for so long? I’d have run out of air a while ago. It’s at least been a minute.
Darwin was not wrong either; it had been at least a minute since the gray skinned, Axe-wielding bald man had shown up in dented iron plate mail and started charging him while yelling.

As the man grew closer, screaming louder and waving his Axe like an idiot, Darwin started to get even more annoyed with the noise.
First the robber, then the pushy, short Burger King kid who thinks a spoon is a weapon, and now this annoying man ruining a perfectly peaceful field with his loud, obnoxious screaming as he charges from like a mile away.
Darwin’s face reddened, and he looked at his Spoon then at the man who was now almost five meters away from him and decided to use the only tactic he knew: he threw the Golden Gilded Dragon Spoon of +10 SHUT THE HELL UP right at the bald Axe Knight.

• Critical Hit! +100% Damage!
  

Criti . . . it worked!
The spoon had done exactly like the butter knife and hit the charging psycho right in the eye, leaving the man, much sturdier than the thief, awkwardly stumbling backwards and trying to rub his eye with the same hand that was holding the Axe. Darwin charged the remaining distance and punched him as hard as he could in the face, causing the man to finally fall on his back where Darwin finished him off with his Blood Soaked Slippers of +10 Face Kicking. Darwin couldn’t help but notice that each kick to the enemy’s face produced a red number above his head. 32, 32, 32.
Is that how much Damage I’m doing? If that’s how much Damage I’m doing, does that mean the Spoon doesn’t do any Damage at all?

• Unarmed Combat Proficiency has improved.
  
• Skill “Weapon Throw” has improved.
  
• Dull Iron Axe has been added to your Inventory.
  
• You have gained 1117 EXP.
  
• You have reached Level 4!
  
• You have reached Level 5!
  

This again?
Darwin thought as the dinging sound queued the annoying pop-up windows. He wanted to know more about what the heck was going on, but he couldn’t take his eyes off his feet.
No? Annoying white circle, you’re not going to send me off to meet another crazy guy with a weapon or Ronald McDonald?

He waited a few minutes and then, finally deciding the white lights weren’t going to interrupt him again, he sat down and did what any good gamer with years of experience playing MMOs would do in his situation: he tried to figure out how to hit the C button and bring up his character screen. “Stats! Character Screen! Abilities! Information!” he kept chanting out loud, expecting another ding and status window. Then, in a final act of desperation, shame and humiliation he caved. “Help Menu.”

• Welcome to wonderful world of Tiqpa! Would you like to take the beginner’s tutorial?
  

Every bone in his body wanted to scream
no
and
Go die
with a thousand other obscenities at even the thought of a tutorial, but he just couldn’t think of another way around it. “Yes . . . I want to take the tutorial.” Deep down, a part of Darwin died as soon as the words left his mouth.

• Great! In the world of Tiqpa, controls are accessed through thought rather than action. It may take getting used to, but if you look directly in front of you and think “Tiqpa Character Screen,” a character screen will appear.
  

It was the world’s name that he had been missing.
Tiqpa Character Screen
. No sooner had he thought the words than a blue gamer box appeared, much like the ones that read out his level ups, and the beginner’s tutorial began.

• Think “P” to pause at any time or “Rewind” to rewind the tutorial at any time. Now, if you will notice at the top of your character screen, your Name, Race, Job Class, Level, Current EXP and how much EXP you will need to reach the next level are listed in the main status bar.
  

-
       
Name: Darwin

-
       
Job Class: Novice

-
       
Level: 5

-
       
Race: Unknown

-
       
EXP until next Level: 373

-
       
Rank: N/A

-
       
Total EXP: 1402

-
       
Energy Source: N/A

Race Unkown? This stupid screen, I’m human. How do I enter human? Or is it white? Do they do races like video games or election booths?
Darwin was about to try to edit in the missing information when the tutorial interrupted him.             

• Below the Character Information Readout (CIR), you’ll find a list of each one of your primary attributes.
  

POWER

The first attribute is
Power
. Power adjusts the player’s muscles and density to increase strength and collision Damage when in combat. Each point in power roughly increases one’s mass versus the player’s standard frame.

Your Current Power is 45.

Power increases Melee Physical Damage. Current level adds an 18% increase to melee physical Damage and increases base physical Damage by 9.

Power reduces Physical Damage Taken. Current level reduces physical Damage taken by 8.26%.