The Bad Mother (31 page)

‘An adventure!’ Tessa laughed, glad of the distraction. ‘Once Lauren’s left school, that would be a treat.’

‘Why wait? She can live with Sam. We can go as soon as I get parole. Rent an apartment.’

‘I have a business to run!’

‘So what?’ repeated Roy. I have enough money for both of us. Come on, Tessa! You’re not just some small-town girl. You’re different. You’re my daughter.’

Tessa pulled her hand free. ‘Roy, it’s a lovely idea, but I can’t go off and live somewhere else.’

But Roy just laughed. ‘We belong together. You belong with me.’

Tessa reluctantly admitted the acute discomfort that had been gathering for some minutes. Had this wilfulness always been here, and she’d failed to see it? It was like one of those trick drawings where you see either a wine glass or an old crone. Sometimes it’s impossible to make out both images, but once you have, their dual existence can’t be denied. Dread began to creep into her veins: had his refusal to hear ‘no’ enabled him to lead Erin in among the gorse bushes and persuade himself it was what she wanted and expected him to do? Had Angie’s ‘illness’ been her attempt to say what he didn’t wanted to hear?

‘Why wasn’t it manslaughter?’ she blurted out.

Roy’s lips thinned with displeasure, but he regarded her
steadily. ‘The jury chose to believe Angie’s family,’ he said simply, gesturing with his hands that she could take it or leave it. ‘They couldn’t face up to the fact that they’d failed her, that she needed me, not them.’

But he killed her, Tessa told herself. What woman needs a man who strangles her?

‘I don’t blame her parents,’ Roy went on, oblivious to her thoughts. ‘They’d lost their daughter. The guilt must have been terrible.’

‘Let me get you some cake.’ Tessa rose abruptly to her feet. ‘Before they close.’ Without waiting for permission, she made her way over to the counter, relieved that he was not allowed to follow her.

Her hands shook as she handed over the tokens. Taking deep breaths, she glanced at the clock to work out how soon the bell would ring to signify the end of visits. She dragged out the transaction, changing her mind about which biscuits to buy, and promising herself that she would, after all, ask Declan if his colleague could get hold of the transcripts of Roy’s trial. She hoped she was wrong, but she was not the naive teenager her mother had been, and she must not continue this relationship without finding out exactly to what and to whom she was consenting.

FORTY-TWO

As Tessa prepared to leave the prison the red-haired officer, Janice, approached her to say that she’d been unable to locate the missing photographs Tessa had previously asked about. Preoccupied, Tessa thanked her and moved on, eager to escape and reach the uncontaminated safety of home. But impulsively she turned back and asked Janice if it would be possible to have a private word. Although the officer did not seem particularly surprised by the request, she spent a long moment considering before quietly remarking that her shift finished in half an hour and she could meet Tessa at the pub in the nearest village.

Now, sitting with a fruit juice at a corner table in the dingy bar, Tessa wondered what on earth she’d been thinking: how could talking to a prison officer possibly help? And what unintended negative repercussions might there be for Roy? If she wanted to learn more about her father, why hadn’t she taken Mitch’s sensible advice and got in touch with Shirley Weaver? She tried to persuade herself that today’s unease had more to do with how tired and
overwrought she’d been recently, that it would be better to slip away before Janice arrived. It was her growing sense that Roy was manipulating her for some purpose he had yet to reveal that kept her there, even while she debated with herself what harm a man safely locked up in prison could possibly do anyone.

Janice entered the bar, looked around, located Tessa with a nod and came to join her. Out of uniform she was a plain woman, her red hair her only noticeable feature.

‘I wasn’t sure you’d come,’ said Tessa. ‘Whether you’d be allowed.’

‘I’m finished there anyway,’ she answered with odd emphasis.

‘Can I get you a drink?’

‘Pete knows me. He’ll bring one over.’ Janice waved to the barman. ‘Roy lost it with you today, didn’t he?’

Tessa was a little shocked by her directness. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I saw it. There’s always a point when he can’t keep it together any more.’

‘You know I’m his daughter?’ Tessa asked, thinking perhaps Janice wasn’t aware of their relationship.

‘Yes, I know.’ Janice reached out across the greasy table and touched Tessa’s gold bracelet. ‘How do you think he managed to send you that?’

Tessa withdrew her arm. ‘He told me you bought the card for me as well. That was kind. Thank you.’

Janice laughed, a short bark. There was something terrier-like about her, thought Tessa, in her covetous eyes and
fierce stance. ‘Though he let me think you were his new girlfriend,’ she said.

‘Why?’ Tessa wondered if the woman was a little mad. But the barman brought over a glass of what looked like vodka and a small tonic, and Tessa noted that he did not greet Janice as if she might be barmy. He asked Tessa if she’d like another, but she hadn’t yet finished her juice: she’d considered a stiff drink to steady her nerves when she’d arrived, and was glad now she’d kept her wits about her.

‘He likes to wind people up,’ explained Janice, watching Tessa shrewdly. ‘So what was his spiel today? The two of you against the world?’

‘He did get a bit carried away with dreams for the future,’ Tessa admitted. ‘I imagine they all do.’

‘Looked to me like he gave you a bit of a fright.’ Janice knocked back half her drink. ‘So what is it you want to know?’

Tessa’s heart skipped a beat. This was likely to be the unvarnished truth, and suddenly she wasn’t sure she could face it.

‘What did he tell you he’s in for?’ asked Janice. ‘The tragic accident story?’

‘Are you allowed to talk about an inmate like this?’

‘No,’ Janice answered. ‘But it doesn’t matter. This is my last day.’

‘You’re leaving?’ asked Tessa, vainly postponing the real conversation.

‘I reckoned if I quit first, they won’t bother prosecuting me.’

Tessa was alarmed. ‘For talking to me?’

‘For all the things I’ve done for him.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘You asked about your photographs,’ said Janice. ‘They didn’t get lost.’

‘So where are they?’

Janice downed the rest of her drink. ‘They were of you as a kid, right?’

‘Yes,’ said Tessa. ‘He asked for pictures of my children too. That’s Ok, isn’t it?’

‘Is one of them a boy?’

‘Yes.’ Tessa was puzzled. ‘Roy wants to see them both growing up. They’re his grandchildren,’ she explained needlessly.

Janice nodded. ‘He wouldn’t have been allowed them otherwise. But you’re still not getting it, are you?’ She laughed again. ‘You’ve seen that young guy with curly hair in the visits room?’ she asked. ‘Paul. Looks like an angel, doesn’t he?’

‘His mother said he has a whole-life tariff,’ Tessa remembered with sudden terror.

Janice nodded. ‘Only his mother ever comes to visit him. Roy got your photos Ok, thank you very much. Then he sold them. But Paul said he’ll pay even more for pictures of boys. Paul likes boys. Loves them to death. Younger the better.’

Tessa cupped her hand over her mouth, afraid she was going to throw up.

‘There are quite a few prisoners who pay well for certain
kinds of material. Even of just a kid in a swimsuit. These perverts will take whatever’s on offer. So we keep a pretty close eye on kiddie photos.’

‘I don’t believe you,’ cried Tessa, though she knew this wasn’t true.

Janice shrugged. ‘Unless Roy gets an extension on his sentence tariff, he’ll be out soon. He’s clever enough to fool the parole board.’

‘You think he’s dangerous? That he’d hurt my kids?’

‘You rather than your kids, I’d reckon. I’ve read his official file,’ Janice went on. ‘I bet it’s not the same yarn he spun you.’

‘Stop,’ begged Tessa.

‘You asked to talk to me.’

‘I can’t take it all in.’

‘Roy was on bail when he cut his girlfriend’s throat,’ Janice went on remorselessly.

‘He said she was strangled!’

‘He was also charged with two counts of rape and assault. Those charges were left to lie on file.’

‘But she was ill,’ Tessa protested. ‘Paranoid. Her parents turned her against him.’

‘If she
was
ill it was because he’d terrorised her for months. She’d left him because he wouldn’t let her out on her own. Took away her shoes, her phone, her computer. He had double-glazing installed with locks on all the windows.’ Janice paused. ‘She was a bright woman, a solicitor. Yet she didn’t manage to stop him.’

Tessa felt faint. Why had she never asked, positively
avoided wanting to know? How idiotic and unkind she’d been not to recognise Hugo’s love and concern when he had questioned her. Under the table, she pulled the gold bracelet off her wrist and dropped it into her bag. When she looked up she found Janice watching her with a mixture of triumph and sympathy.

‘He had two previous arrests for unlawful imprisonment,’ Janice continued. ‘Even a suspicion of arson, but no one could make it stick.’

‘I think he raped my mother,’ Tessa said, ‘but no one believed her.’

To her surprise, Janice nodded, her face losing its fierceness. ‘I was like you when it started,’ she said. ‘He made me feel special. Beautiful, desirable. I actually looked forward to going to work. When you started visiting and I saw the way he held your hand, kissed it, looked into your eyes, I wanted to die. I’d have done anything for him.’ She paused to signal to the barman for another vodka. ‘He loves that control. Really loves it. But that’s all he loves.’

‘But you’re an officer! You’re in charge.’

‘I didn’t want to lose him.’

‘Why are you telling me this?’

‘He’s up for parole in three months, and I’m scared.’

‘He’s not that bad,’ pleaded Tessa. ‘He can’t be.’

‘The word of a disgraced prison officer won’t count for much with the parole board. But his daughter …’ Janice waited for the barman to put down her second drink and walk away. ‘You can write to the parole board, tell them about the photographs. He’s a lifer. They don’t ever have
to let him out if they don’t think it’s safe to do so. And this would be more than enough to turn him down. I’ll back you up,’ she continued eagerly. ‘He doesn’t know yet that I’ve quit, so he won’t have got rid of them.’

‘I don’t know,’ said Tessa. ‘He’s not actually done anything to hurt me.’

‘I’m not making it up. It’s all on record. I can move away and change my name if I have to. Not so easy for you, I imagine.’

Tessa cast around for some hope to cling to, desperate for none of this to be true. ‘He offered to pay for my son to go to university.’ But as she uttered the words she heard Roy ask his favour in return: don’t forget to bring more photos.

‘You want him turning up on your doorstep?’ asked Janice.

‘No, but I’m his daughter.’ Tessa knew she was clutching at straws. ‘He says I belong to him. Surely he wouldn’t …’

Janice gave an ugly laugh. ‘That’s what he said to me.’ She downed her second vodka. Her hand shook as she lowered the empty glass. ‘And he really means it. Believe me.’

FORTY-THREE

The full horror of her self-delusion hit Tessa on the road home. She pulled into the nearest lay-by and sat shaking as cars, lorries and coaches thundered past. She hardly dared look at the rear-view mirror in case she caught a glimpse of her blind, ridiculous, stupid face. She hated herself. She could never go home and face up to what she had done. How was she ever going to admit to her family that she had been taken in by this abusive, controlling man; worse, that she had been only too willing to
let
herself be taken in? And what could she say to Erin?

Roy had repeatedly assured her that it was all about her, about enabling her to be her best, her real self, and she had swallowed it, drunk down his words, told herself he was the only one who understood or cared for her, that her family’s concern was mere jealous interference. She pulled the driving mirror around and made herself look into it. Who was she? In whose eyes did she exist? She shrivelled at the thought of how she’d quoted Roy’s trite phrases back at Hugo and Mitch. This man had raped her
mother, and she had rushed to his defence. Her behaviour was even more culpable than his.

Why had she believed in him and not in the people who loved her? Tessa was afraid of the answers: selfishness, stupidity and vanity. No wonder Sam and Lauren and Mitch were all better off without her. How could any of her family ever love her now?

She drove the rest of the way home trying to imagine how she could ever begin to put things right. As she let herself in, Charlie Crawford came out of the guests’ sitting room.

‘Your housekeeper said you’d be back an hour ago.’ His statement was an accusation.

‘Sorry, I was held up. Hello.’ Tessa tried a smile, but it was not returned.

‘I have to talk to you at once,’ he said. ‘I need to get back to London.’ He disappeared into her sitting room.

Tessa did not follow him but instead went downstairs to get a drink of water and let Carol know she was back.

‘I gave Mr Crawford some coffee,’ Carol told her. ‘I wasn’t sure whether you were expecting him or not.’ She pointed up at the board where the names of the night’s guests were written. ‘The first two dropped their bags and have gone out. The others aren’t due till late, but I can stay on if you need me.’

‘Thanks, Carol. But you can get off now.’

Carol’s tactful silence as she fetched her bag and cardigan seemed ominous, so Tessa drank her water standing at the sink, looking out at the small back lawn beyond the area
wall. The ground around the magnolia that Hugo had planted for her birthday hadn’t yet settled, and the young tree looked somehow both makeshift and defenceless. It was an effort to bring to mind what Charlie Crawford could possibly want, and she felt blank, unprepared to cope with whatever he had to say. Rinsing her glass, she went upstairs to find out.