The Bad Karma Diaries (13 page)

Still we’re in trouble and we don’t know what to do. O’Toole is On To Us. Somehow. I thought maybe Gita came clean, but Anna said no – Gita told her that when they brought her in for questioning, she totally denied any connection between herself and the stickers. She said she wasn’t in school that day, she didn’t know anything about it, someone must have heard her accusing Jayne of racism and taken it into their own hands. She stuck to her story.

‘That was nice of her!’ I said.

‘Nah,’ said Anna, ‘she just knew if she was found out hiring someone to do her dirty work, she’d get into real trouble.’

Anna thinks O’Toole probably doesn’t have actual
proof
. She thinks that someone in the class snitched on us about hiding Pierce’s homework, and he put 2 and 2 together, and now he is giving us the chance to do the right thing. I said if he doesn’t
have actual proof he can’t pin it on us, and we could just keep on denying everything, like Gita did.

We have agreed to Sleep On It.

Didn’t write in the blog. There is no way of writing about O’Toole’s accusation without giving the game away.

At break we argued it round and round and we didn’t get anywhere. On the one hand if we come clean, we will get off lightly – O’Toole practically promised that – because our intentions were good. On the other hand everyone will then know it was us and they’ll think we’re dumb (my point). On the other hand Jayne deserves an apology because she probably wasn’t actually racist (Anna’s point). On the other hand she’s been cleared of the charge, more or less, and she
was
bullying – and bullying a girl who was new to Ireland, which is extra mean, even if the girl in question does wear designer shoes – and if we tell, we might get Gita into trouble (my point). On the other hand, Gita deserves to be in trouble seeing as she exaggerated about Jayne being a racist. On the other hand …

Well, you get the picture! There were more hands showing than in netball practice.

So we’ve decided to ask Tommy. He is the only person we can trust with this.

Oh – at break I caught sight of Heeun coming towards me
with this hopeful smile, and then it kind of fading as she saw Anna … but what could I do? It is just tough for her.

Ha! As
if!

I did not forget the coldness of the sea and the instability of Default Friends. I waved madly so she came up to us and we all chatted away, very friendly.

Afterwards I explained about Default Friends to Anna. She liked that. She thought it was funny. But she said, ‘Trust
you
to arrange a default position.’

I said, ‘Well what did you do?’

She said in a really superior voice, ‘I knew we’d be back friends. I wasn’t bothered.’

I said, ‘That’s because you’re used to fighting with your brothers and sister and still being back friends’

‘And you’re not,’ she finished, giving me A Look which I knew was a criticism of the way I can’t be bothered with Justine.

I didn’t like being criticised and I didn’t like her being the one who got to be all cool and solitary, while I scrabbled around un-coolly for default friends, but then I remembered, ‘Anyway you’d Carl to speak to.’

She said, ‘Carl?’ like you’d say
worms?

I said, ‘Yeah. Carl. Your boyfriend.’

I caught her eye. We went off into laughter. Very
mean
laughter.

So after school today we went round to Anna’s. In the kitchen were Tommy and Renata and suddenly Anna started telling the whole story to them both! I was amazed. Why would she let Renata in on this? Does she want to be laughed at for the rest of the year? But it was too late to stop her. All I could do was interrupt to make sure she told it right. She kept forgetting crucial things. Maybe because she’s given up keeping a diary? Writing things down is a good way of sticking them in your mind.

Tommy and Renata didn’t comment at all until the end, which was surprising for Renata. She must have copped how important it was.

When we finished off, ‘So what do you think we should do? Come clean to O’Toole, or play dumb?’

Tommy looked at Renata, ‘Jesus wept,’ he said.

They both looked quite dazed … almost shocked, in a way. I was surprised. I didn’t think it would be such a deal. Not to those two – I mean they must have done loads of stuff like that. But apparently not. ‘Quite the little Cosa Nostra,’ said Renata. (That is something to do with the mafia – I just checked. It means ‘our way’ in Italian, which, by coincidence, is basically what ‘Sinn Fein’ means in Irish … I wish people would stop going on about the mafia!)

Tommy said to Renata, ‘That pronounced sense of justice …
who would have thought it would come to this?’

‘When a pronounced sense of justice meets distrust of authority,’ said Renata grandly, ‘and gets mercenary!’ She gave her witchy cackle.

‘Maybe not
mercenary
exactly,’ said Tommy fairly, ‘entrepreneurial …’

‘Entrepreneurial! That’s one name for it… compromising their standards in pursuit of profit. This shows the
intrinsic
corruption of the capitalist system.’

I was getting mad. I didn’t necessarily know exactly what they were on about but they’d ganged up together – suddenly they were like
parents
– and they were passing judgement and debating our morals, and that’s not what we asked them.

‘If we wanted a moral lecture, we’d have gone to a priest,’ I said, ‘just tell us whether we should admit to O’Toole.’

They cracked up laughing – all three! (Good!)

Then Renata said, ‘Well
obviously
you have to admit to O’Toole! He knows already. He’s just giving you a chance to do the right thing, instead of going straight to Lucas with it.’

‘Yeah,’ said Tommy, ‘I mean what do you think he’s gonna do? Just drop it?’

They looked at us as if we were fools. I felt a fool. I mean if it was that obvious, we didn’t have to ask their advice, we didn’t have to expose ourselves to their moralising.

But, ‘Maybe he doesn’t know,’ said Anna, ‘maybe he was
bluffing
. He doesn’t have proof. He can’t accuse us without
proof.’

‘Oh, it’s the lawyer now,’ said Renata, ‘from anarchist to lawyer. You should have been asking for proof from Gita.’

This was too much!

Anna roared, ‘Get lost!’ and flung herself on Renata, fists waving.

I screamed, ‘Yeah, shut up!’ It was total bedlam.

Then Tommy pulled Anna off Renata, ‘Okay, that’s enough, that’s enough!’ he was saying in a loud, but firm, not hysterical voice.

After we straightened up, Renata said, ‘Alright, I’m sorry, okay? I couldn’t resist the dig.’

‘You never can,’ said Anna.

‘I know,’ said Renata. She sounded almost ashamed! ‘But it wasn’t just a dig. I’m your older sister, and I don’t know if you realise just how wrong––’

‘All right, Renata,’ interrupted Tommy, ‘let’s take it she does. Anyway,’ he looked at us and managed to look amused
and
sorry for us at the same time. He has the sort of face that can express a lot of emotions at once, ‘Anyway, O’Toole will soon tell them what for. And Lucas too.’

So we have to confess to O’Toole. Tomorrow. We’re not going to mention Gita, because Tommy and Renata agreed it would be breaking her trust. We’re just gonna say that we heard about the racist incident, and took matters into our own hands, like we took matters into our own hands over Pierce’s bullying.
We’re not gonna mention about the money, obviously. That, as Renata says, would be
wallowing
in our guilt.

On the other hand,
not
mentioning the money makes us sound like do-gooders, like vigilantes dispensing justice. Frankly I’d rather be considered greedy, or – what was it Renata said? – mercenary. (I have just looked this up in the dictionary, it says: Soldier of Fortune and also ‘motivated
solely
by desire for monetary gain’. Soldier of Fortune sounds okay, but we were not motivated solely by desire for monetary gain. We were motivated
mostly
by desire for monetary gain).

I asked Anna, ‘What did you tell Renata for? Now she’ll jeer for a year. And what happens if she tells your parents?’ Anna looked at me in amazement/contempt, ‘She’s not gonna tell my
parents
. You don’t tell on your brothers and sisters!’

This was obviously a Family Code. I wouldn’t know – Justine and me are/were always telling on each other, but then we don’t have anywhere else to go. In Anna’s family you form factions, and leave the parents out.

Oh God! Sorry, but I am now so bored with the whole thing I could scream!

I know we made a mistake. We’ve already suffered for it! Five days thinking I’d lost my best friend! Twenty-four hours in a day. 24 x 5 = 120 hours of misery! Which I bet is more than
Jayne O’Keeffe suffered.

So we got the full lecture from O’Toole. He must have forgotten that we’d already got the lecture from Lucas at assembly, and he doesn’t know we also got it from Tommy and Renata. So yes, we
know
, we’re:

a) perhaps well-meaning, but thoroughly misguided;

b) interfering, getting involved in other people’s quarrels;

c) egocentric, wanting to take matters into our own hands;

d) secretive, doing nasty things anonymously;

e) bullies, making people’s lives miserable;

f) anarchists, not trusting in authority to mete out justice;

g) naïve and foolish, taking other people’s words at face value;

h) sloppy, not checking our facts.

Oh, and we’re:

i) lucky, because if we hadn’t been found out, we would have been set on a murky path that would ended with us as mafia crime lords, like The General or The Penguin (doesn’t sound too bad! What a blog I could write then!)

And (faint praise!), we’re also:

j) intelligent and contrite, because we came forward.

So we have to take our well-meaning, misguided, egocentric, secretive, bullying, anarchistic, naïve, foolish, sloppy, lucky, intelligent and contrite selves off to see Lucas on Monday …

I got the distinct feeling that O’Toole is well pleased to be reporting how he’s solved the Mystery of the Racist Stickers to
Lucas. He could not keep a certain satisfaction about how well he’s handled this off his (otherwise concerned/grave/sympathetic) face.

Oh, there are more letters in our catalogue. We forgot what Tommy and Renata said about us. So we’re also:

k) mercenary, counting our pennies;

l) ruthless capitalists, gradually compromising our standards in pursuit of profit.

Anna says she has hopes we’ll make it to z) yet. Our parents will come up trumps! Our parents are going to be informed. Obviously.

It has occurred to me:

a) Tommy and Renata encouraged – made! – us confess because they decided to act like responsible elders, and thought this was the
right
thing to do. They were not acting like our equals. I think this is part of Anna’s Family Code. You don’t tell the parents, but sometimes you act like the parents. Probably Anna will be giving moralistic / Do the Right Thing advice to Charlie when he’s older. But what a pain – maybe we could have got away with not telling!

b) Anna told Renata because she wanted to impress her,
because somewhere she (Anna) thought what we did was cool. And even though sometimes she
hates
Renata, she is totally dependent on her good opinion. Maybe that’s what it’s like having an older brother or sister. Maybe Justine is totally dependent on my good opinion (ha!)

None of this matters of course. Or makes any difference. I am just noting it down for future reference. So when I read over this in twenty years’ time I will remember everything.

So today we got the lecture from a) to j) all over again from Lucas. He did not manage to add any new letters, which, I said to Anna, seemed a bit lax of him – I thought he’d bring it to m) at least! Anna said, yeah, but it’s been pretty well covered already! Well maybe our parents will add some more letters …

We also have to do five hours community service. This is just the kind of very hip/right-on punishment Lucas would come up with.

We also have to write an apology to Jayne O’Keeffe.

But we are not going to be named and shamed in front of the whole school. Apparently this isn’t necessary, since we confessed.

Big deal! Like it won’t get out anyway. Jayne O’Keeffe will tell everyone.

Fed up and gloomy. This is the sort of situation which could
set me and Anna fighting, but luckily we’ve fought already so we’re united in truculence instead (this is Renata’s phrase for us – I am thinking of forming a new club to overtake the now-I-suppose-defunct Instruments of Karma: United in Truculence. As United in Truculence we would just go round looking fed-up and stubborn and refusing to get involved in things. It would be quite easy and undemanding).

Oh – and we told Heeun. It will be all over the school – I bet! – next week, and I didn’t want her just finding out in the playground. She is starting to become our friend. When we told her, she went ‘Oh-my-God!’ and then she began to laugh. In fact she was helpless with laughter. ‘That was you two?’ She could hardly stand up. She seems to be an enthusiastic person. I do not think she would be very good at being truculent.

Here is our letter to Jayne O’Keeffe:

I guess we’ll have to check this apology with someone, probably Lucas. But we think it’s fine. It is sincerely meant but dignified and not too grovelling or chest-beating. I mean we’re being properly punished. I don’t see why we should have to grovel too. Like Anna says, it is demeaning to have to write such a letter to a
First
Year. The shame could kill us. If we were those Japanese prisoners of war that McMahon told us about we would commit suicide rather than face the shame.

We were right that our parents would add more letters to the catalogue. Here’s what mine added:

m) deluded, living in a fantasy world, thinking I’m the star of some third-rate soap opera;

n) altogether-too-pleased-with-myself – (this one could come under b) egocentric, but it seems to have a meaning beyond that even, so I’m giving it a letter of its own. Apparently all I ever consider is my own enjoyment. I ride rough-shod over anyone and everyone in the pursuit of my own pleasure. Golly!)

And, of course,

o) showing off. I am surprised it took till o) for someone to mention showing-off, because that is normally the first thing hurled at you. I was about to argue – how could we be showing off when it was anonymous – but I didn’t because a) we – me and Anna – had agreed our strategy with our parents: hang our heads and act meek, this is the quickest way for the storm to pass; and b) I suddenly remembered the blog, I guess I was kind of anonymously showing off in the blog…

To add to the five hours community service, here is my home punishment: Grounded for a week, and No Telly.

Texted Anna:

we are also deluded show odds…

I wonder how she is getting on? They can’t deny her telly because she’s permanently denied telly. So her punishment is probably more elaborate (and worse) than mine.

Later

We have reached r)! I think if we did a vox pop – you know asking random people in the street what they think – we would reach z). Easy.

According to Anna’s parents, we are:

p) wasteful – expending our energy on something that pays no profit. That was from her Dad (of course) and that’s the one that really hurt Anna. Of course she was dying to explain that it was anything but wasteful, but she didn’t (thank God!).

q) irresponsible, throwing the cat among the pigeons in a
class of people younger and therefore more vulnerable than ourselves;

r) suffering
égoisme à deux
. This is a French sigh-chiatrist’s way of saying we’re too wrapped up in each other. It means: ‘two people neurotically ‘in love’ who feel no love for anybody else’. Whoa!! Calm down! We do so love other people! Anna loves Charlie and Tommy and I love … hmm? … David Leydon … J.P… (not seriously, though!) Well I love my parents – obviously!