The BACHELORETTE Project (The Project: LESLEE Series) (11 page)

“So this is Leslee,” Mike says as he undresses me with his eyes. “You are gorgeous. Eric said you were hot, but I had no idea.” He lifts up my hand and kisses it. I look at Eric.

“I never said she was hot,” Eric says, laughing nervously.

“Yes, you did,” Mike argues.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did when we were in the car!” Mike exclaims and he turns back toward me. “Can I take you out for a drink sometime? Just me, and you, and the candlelight glimmering in the background?” Ugh, what a cheeseball! Major douchebag! He was just flirting with Ms. Shoulder Pads America not even a minute ago. I hate men.

I pull my hand away. “No
,
thank you,” I tell him. “I’m allergic.”

“Allergic? Allergic to what?” he asks.

“Candlelight …” I say, “and you … and men with cheesy pickup lines.” Karen, Russ and Eric begin to laugh.

“That’s OK,
” Mike says. “It’s cool. The honey over there with the big hair can’t get enough of the Mikester.”

“That’s all right,
” Karen says to me. “You wanna dance, Leslee?” I nod my head. “Fellas, you know where you can find us,” she says pointing to the dance floor. Karen pulls me to the dancing area and we begin to bop our heads to David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance.” I start to laugh uncontrollably and spin myself around over and over and over again. I just dance … and dance … and dance until I realize that I’m on the dance floor alone and two hours have gone by. Half of the patrons are gone … and I’m still drunk … very, very drunk.

I stumble over to the bar and see an exhausted/passed-out Karen, a very active and talkative Russ (who is usually pretty quiet), and Eric who is just being himself. The alcohol has no effect on him whatsoever. It may just be some
special secret
thing where he can control his alcohol without looking like a fool … or maybe he’s just being responsible.

“What are you guys doing?” I ask as the words are coming out of my mouth a lot slower than usual. “The party’s not over yet.”

“It is over, Leslee,
” Karen moans. “We were just waiting for your batteries to run out. You’ve been dancing for two hours straight.”

“Time flies when you’re having fun, right?” I ask giggling.

Eric puts his arm around my waist
and starts to walk me to the exit
. “It’s time to go, Leslee,” he tells me.
“
They’re closing in a half hour.” I refuse to go. I don’t wanna go! Why are they ruining my fun?

I loosen Eric’s grip and walk toward the dance floor again.

“What are you doing, Les?” Karen whines. “It’s time to go, and where the hell is Mike?”

“Right here,” Mike
says walking towards us with lipstick all over his Miami Vice suit. “I was busy with that hot chick over there.” He points to an unattractive, skinny transvestite-resembling woman.

“Oh my God,
” Karen says in shock. “It’s Shrek, Jr.”

“What are you talking about?” Mike says. “She’s hot.”

“Are you sure that she’s a she?” Karen asks. “Because f
rom here,
she
looks like a
he
.”

“Well, you guys just fight all you want,” I slur. “I’m about to bust the piñata.” I begin to take off my heels.

“What piñata?” Karen asks.

“The disco ball piñata!” I exclaim. “The one hanging above the dance floor.”

“That’s not a piñata, Leslee,
” Karen tells me. “It really is a disco ball. Can we go now?”

“That makes no sense,
” I argue. “Disco balls were a SEVENTIES thing! This is an eighties party therefore it’s not a disco ball. It’s a piñata.”

“She may be right, Karen,
” Eric says. “There might be candy, drugs, and all sorts of goodies in that thing.”

“See!” I say, agreeing with Eric. “Don’t be the party killer, Karen. Nobody likes that person.”

“Eric, stop encouraging her,” Karen says. “We have to get her home. She’s starting to piss people off. Hell, she’s starting to piss me off.”

“We should just try and see if there’s something in there,” I say.

“No,” Russ and Karen say in unison.

“I heard YES!” I say in a sing-songy voice. I pick up one of my shoes and throw it at the disco ball. It misses completely and lands in the DJ booth. Damn.

“Leslee, let’s go,
” Karen says as she pulls on my arm. I swing her away.

“No, I’m not done yet!” I tell her as I pick up my other shoe and heave it towards the disco ball. Tiny mirror pieces scatter on the floor but the ball still remains intact as it floats in the air, shaking.
Winning?

Karen mouth drops. “Oh, no Leslee! You can’t do that! It’s private property. Let’s just go, pay for the damage …”

I laugh. “There’s no damage.” I point to the ball. “Look! It’s still there! No harm done!” The bartender walks over to us with a scolding look on her face.

“I’m sorry,” Karen pleads. “Our friend just had a little too much to drink and we’re taking her home right now. Let’s go, Leslee,” she says, looking at me as if she’s irritated. This is all Karen’s fault. She has no reason to be irritated with me. I didn’t want to go out in the first place. I was perfectly content in staying home watching
Golden Girls
. At least that would’ve kept me out of trouble.

“You know, you’re gonna have to pay for that,” the bartender tells Karen.

“Yes, I know,
” she says nodding her head. “How much is it?”

“Seven-hundred dollars to pay for the damages that your little friend did,” she says.

“Seven-hundred dollars?!” Karen exclaims. “Are you kidding me?”

“The damage your lushy friend caused is gonna cost us a fortune,” the bartender argues. “We’ll probably have to get a new one.”

“OK, that is the dum
best thing that I’ve ever heard,
” Karen says. “You could go to Wal-Mart and buy one twice as big for like an eighth of the price.”

“I don’t care if you go to Wal-Mart and buy twenty fuckin’ disco balls!” the bartender snaps. “I still want seven-hundred dollars for this one, the one that your little
friend
just ruined.”

Karen and the bartender begin to argue and I can’t help but to grin from ear to ear. I’m floating on a cloud right now, a very drunken cloud. I feel like I can conquer the world, broken disco ball and all! I’m hungry like the wolf, damnit! I can do anything!

I spread out my arms and begin to dance backwards toward the middle of the dance floor. I begin to spin … over … and over … and over again. I can’t help myself. I’m a dancing machine!

“Leslee, we have to go!” Eric yells. “They’re gonna call the police if we don’t leave now!” I stop spinning and look over to Eric.

“Stop ruining my moment, Eric!” I snap in pure diva fashion. I dance my way under the disco ball and spin like Diana Ross in her disco days. “I feel free!” I yell. “I’m feeling free! I’m feeling happy! I’m feeling—”
BAM!
I feel an oversized object hit my forehead. My knees begin to shake as my body stumbles to the ground. I’m now feeling that I can’t move. I can’t move anything!

“Oh my God! Leslee!” I hear Karen yell as what seems like a stampede of people rushing over to me. They all stand in a worried circle around me.

“Is she okay?” one person says.

“What the hell just happened?” another girl asks.

“She just got hit in the head with a disco ball!” Mike says.

“Man down!” I hear Russ yell. “Man down! That looks like it fuckin’ hurts,” and those are the last words I hear.

White. All I can see is white. It’s as if I'm walking through an eternal cloud and gracefully floating on air. I don't see God (whom I imagine to be a hotter version of Brad Pitt, you know, like in that movie
Troy
when he wears his hair long and his six-pack abs are just glistening from the beads of sweat … yum!). I don't see angels flying around me like midgets with wings in the sky; therefore I'm alive.

"Is she dead?" I hear one voice say, a familiar voice, someone that I know I'm sure.

"No, you moron! She's not fuckin' dead! Don't you see the wavy lines on her heart monitor? That means she's alive." I can tell that voice from anywhere.
It's Karen!
I've never been happier to hear my best friend's voice.

"How would you know?” Eric says and I feel like jumping for joy, but for some reason I can't. My body feels
so heavy and weak, and my mind is completely blank.

"Um, she’s breathing, dumbass," Karen replies.
"Don’t you ever watch
Grey’s Anatomy
?” I hear silence and now I only see black. No clouds, no God, no midgets in the sky with wings. Where did my peaceful, little hea
ven go? "Leslee, please wake up,
"  Karen whispers to me. I try to say something but my mouth won't open. I manage to slowly pry my eyes open to see four people standing over me: Karen, Russ, Eric, and Mike. I still try to open my mouth but I can't.

"I still think she's dead," Mike says.

"Her eyes are open," Eric replies. "She can't be dead."

"Some dead people open their eyes," Russ says as he bends down and stares into my pupils as if he's examining me like I'm some type of weird science experiment. "It's a reflex.” 

"She’s not
DEAD
!" Karen yells.

"This knot on her head is amazing," Mike chimes in. "It's black, blue, purple,
and
red."

"It looks like a mini disco ball," Eric replies and the guys all laugh. "Ironically just like the disco ball that she was hit with in the first place." I really hope that it's not
that
bad. But, if in fact it is, it might actually be a sign. I should’ve stayed in the house in the first place, not have gone out drinking like some irresponsible college girl. I needed to act my age. What in the world was I thinking?

"You know what?" Mike asks with a devilish look on his face. "I think I'm gonna touch it." He pulls out a pair of latex gloves, put them on his hands, and begins to crack his knuckles. "This is gonna be so cool!" he says as Karen turns up her face.

"I'm so not watching this," she says and turns the other way. The guys all stare at me and I'm scared as hell. I see Mike's finger slowly move toward my forehead. The closer he gets to the wound on my head, the more I squint my eyes until I can barely see.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"
I scream at Mike and he pulls his hand away, his face turning ten shades of white. The room is completely quiet. All this time I'm sure I could've said something, but I’ve developed the worst case of cotton mouth ever.

“She’s awakening from the dead,” Russ says quietly. “It’s an unspoken miracle.”

"She's alive!" Karen yells and gives me a
big hug, almost knocking over an
I.V. stand. "How come you didn't say anything? I was worried that there really was something wrong with you!" I begin to squirm around in my hospital bed, despising the unfashionable hospital cloth that I'm wearing. I wonder who put this ugly thing on me. Someone in this hospital has seen me almost naked. I hope they didn’t pull anything funny.

I grab Karen's shirt and pull her extra close. "In all honesty,”
I whisper, "how drunk was I to
night?" 

She shakes her head side to side and simply replies, "You really don't want to know." I let her go and put my head down. Oh, it's all coming back to me now, and it's not pretty. I can literally see the disco ball flying toward my forehead. Why must I come back home and make a complete ass of myself? Why, oh, why?

"Leslie, it happens to everyone," Eric reassures me, but it's never happened to him, at least what I'm aware of. God forbid he spills Yuengling on any of his Brooks Brothers shirts. He'd have a
major
bitch fit ... guy style.

"The most important thing is that you're alive and you had fun," Karen says and I roll my eyes.
Such bullshit.

"Yeah, right," I reply glancing at Mike with his rubber gloves still on. I shoot him a dirty look and he instantly puts his hands behind his back.

"Well, I envy you, Les," Russ says. "I mean, what other way can you say 'Hey Philadelphia, I'm home!' then to get stupid drunk, dance like an asshole in front of strangers, and get hit in the head by a disco ball? You truly came back to the city with a bang!" Russ smiles, and everyone, including myself, look at Russ as if he's crazy.
             

"
Anyway
," Karen starts, "Eric's right. It happens to the best of us. You remember how I was in college. I'd get drunk and do some fucked up things. Who knew that running around campus butt naked in the middle of the night would be so offensive to some people? I never had any control over what I was doing. Alcohol can seriously alter your judgment.”

"The important thing to remember is that you're OK," Eric says as I take a deep breath. "Your parents weren't too mad about what happened last night. A little worried, but not too mad."