The Awakening (10 page)

Carmen threw a lavender and sandalwood bath bomb into the water and laughed. At last he was angry. At last some raw emotion. Perhaps he did love her after all? Perhaps she was more than a trophy, more than someone to make beautiful children with? Perhaps he had his own demons to work through? God only knew, his family was scarily over-bearing and altogether too self-important. Carmen wasn’t looking forward to her next weekend with them. There was always a level of tension, of feeling she was being assessed as worthy or not. And she guessed she would never measure up, no matter who she tried to be. She settled into the bath and heard the strains of Stevie Nicks coming from the stereo.

“That’s our first fight, you know,” Andrew said as they sat down to dinner.

“Well it was a bit unreal to have gone so long without some sort of spat,” Carmen smiled. “It’s just because you’re going away. We’re a bit tense. That’s all. What with the dogs and my place.”

He grabbed her hand. “I just don’t think you get how much I love you, Carmen. You are everything to me. I just want to be with you. Forever.”

“Oh, Andrew,” Carmen could feel the emotion welling in her throat. He looked so forlorn, so genuine. How could she doubt him? Her own plans with Victor swirled in her brain, should she tell Andrew? Surely if he loved her and she loved him it was all right? Andrew was going away for work on Victor’s behalf. She was going up to his cabin on Victor’s behalf. What difference was there really? Victor was their boss and they were falling in line with him, wasn’t it that simple? She took a sip of wine.

“Okay, then. How about this? When I get back we’ll look for a place together. No more of this yours and mine shit. We need to be together. A place for us, for our children and your dogs. You keep your basement. I keep my loft but we buy a house together. Or Ours. Or we can sell both? Perhaps we could start our own property port-folio now? It’s never too soon they say. You could have an independent income stream from your apartment and leave it in your name.” He opened his brown eyes so wide Carmen thought she would fall in. Shit, he was trying so hard. “What do you say, Hon?”

“Yes,” she agreed, coming around the table to kiss him. “That does sound like a great idea. House hunting. Something for us.”

He kissed her back, reaching his arms around her. “And then we can set the date.”

“Yes. A house first and then the date.” In her head Carmen could imagine house hunting going on forever. But at least she’d bought some time. Andrew would leave for South America and Australia a happy man. He’d be less likely to give into temptation knowing Carmen was waiting for him and she could have some space and be sure of herself in the relationship by the time he returned. Some time apart was exactly what they needed. She knew that, even if Andrew didn’t. Perhaps, given his ambitions and drive they were destined for a life apart? She knew she could handle that better than a life lived in each other’s pockets. “I’ll get in touch with some realtors while you’re gone. Get this ball rolling.”

He smiled. “That’s my girl. A grand house for a grand life.”

That night Carmen gave herself fully to Andrew. His love and passion were beyond question. This was the man she loved: her body knew it, her heart knew it. He burrowed deep inside her, smothered her with kisses, murmured her name over and over as he brought her to that peak of pleasure and ecstasy that she was beginning to know and love. He knew how to touch her, how to please her, how to love her. He was poetry in bed, an epic love song in appreciation of her body and her needs. His skill was over-whelming and called to Carmen, sweeping her away on his sonnet of sex and love.

“Carmen, my Carmen,” Andrew moaned as he moved ever quicker inside her. “I love you so.”

She grabbed his hair, arched her back and gave herself completely to him, squeezing her pussy down hard onto his exploding cock. She was his, all his. “Andrew, oh, oh.”

“I love you, Carmen,” Andrew panted. “I love you. Love me too.”

“I do. I do,” Carmen sighed as the exquisite tension in her body ebbed away. “I love you too.”

But as she fell into a sated sleep Carmen found Victor waiting quietly in a place of stillness and peace and she knew instantly that she wanted to be in that space with him and wanted Andrew never to return from his business travels.

Victor could not believe how happy he felt as they headed out of the city towards his cabin in the mountains. He looked to where Carmen was gazing out the window of his car and felt overwhelmed by this simplest of pleasures – just being alone with her made him feel amazing. He smiled as they drove in peace, her dogs and his chumming up in the back of the Cherokee.

AA was in Brazil and by now in the back of a jeep headed towards the heartland of Great Blizzard’s Amazon forests. It had been almost too easy to send Andrew away. Victor chuckled as he turned over the conversation with AA as he suggested they needed some guidance in the rest of the world. How quickly AA had jumped at the idea that these people needed to hear how it really was from head office and someone senior really needed to go and it was clear that Victor needed to be in New York after his winter absence. Victor was only too happy to let Andrew think that he wasn’t really up to such an arduous trip. Better for a younger man to go. It was reassuring how ego-centric AA was in these matters, such that Victor hadn’t had to force his hand at all. Allowing Carmen to go as well was out of the question – obviously. Well, Victor wasn’t about to let AA have his way on everything: lines had to be drawn. Victor was still in charge, no matter what AA dreamt of. Besides Carmen still had work publicising her own book as well as setting in place a business plan for Aurora. She could not be spared – how could Andrew have even thought that for a moment? Sometimes Victor wondered about AA’s business sense, especially where beautiful women were concerned. So, AA could head to Brazil and beyond full of his own importance, believing his expedition was central to the company’s future directions. Victor laughed quietly at his young rival’s supreme confidence in his abilities. He was amazed at times that Andrew managed to tolerate him at all.

Victor wondered how much AA knew of Carmen’s plans for this weekend. He suspected she had told him nothing. She seemed very good at keeping her own counsel, which was going to be essential if things were to unfold as Victor needed them to over the next few days and subsequent months. Despite his growing attraction and deep affection for Carmen he knew how high the stakes were and that his task was more important than anything he did at Great Blizzard. In fact, more important than anything else he had ever done. He was not a man prone to dramatics but he knew that Carmen held the future of the planet in her hands and it was his job that she understood that and accepted her role. Just as he was no ordinary man, she was anything but an ordinary woman. He wanted her to come to a quick acceptance of who she was but he knew that she must come to him and all that he offered of her own will. Victor could only show her the path, she had to set foot on it and take the journey willingly. He was worried though, given her resistance so far, he felt it would take much longer than he wanted, to achieve Carmen’s conversion.

He sensed her thinking about him and quickly cleared his head of thoughts of her. She must be led to the summit gently: he was merely her guide.

“Great countryside,” he said, smiling at her.

Carmen nodded. “I haven’t been up here since my father died, you know. I’d forgotten how beautiful it is.”

“See,” Victor chuckled. “I knew this was what you needed. Your spirit is depleted. Too much city living: it’s not god for you, is it?”

“Like you, Victor,” Carmen inclined her head towards him as he drove onwards through the forests, up into the mountains.

“Indeed, my friend, you are correct. I am not a creature of the city. It is not my natural habitat. I need fresh air, trees, snow, ice. The pure parts of nature.”

“The endangered parts,” Carmen said.

“Yes.” Victor was pleased: Carmen understood.

“Surely much of your work is to save all this for us and future generations, Victor? You do so much for the planet, it’s hard to imagine how we’d survive without people like you.”

“I am touched by your words, Carmen.” Victor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment. “But I am a very small player. And I am only one person. It takes many people and a great deal of money to enact the sorts of plans needed to save the planet. We need greater political will.”

“But you have friends in the White House and the UN. You’re on all the major environmental committees.”

Victor nodded. “But I have many enemies too. Big business hates me. I want too much from them, too much control of their industries and buildings. Being green costs too much money, my dear friend. Our building, like the Hearst Building is eco-friendly, is helping the planet, but if we’re the only two such buildings in New York what hope is there?”

“It’s a start, Victor. We have to start somewhere.”

“It’s nearly too late, that’s what it is, Carmen. The destruction of the planet has been going on for hundreds of years. The Industrial Revolution was the worst thing that happened to planet Earth. Far worse than the meteor hit that wiped out the dinosaurs. No,” Victor was emphatic, “the machine age is killing us. Species are dying at unheard of rates, the caps are melting, island nations will be drowned, the great bears will only exist in zoos. It is a tragedy in the making.”

“But you are working against that. People are more aware of the plight of the planet because of you and they lobby their congressmen and do small acts of environmental kindness. Don’t be so despondent, Victor. You are making a difference.” She reached across to pat his leg, firm and hard through his moleskin jeans. “You are why I was so pleased to work for Great Blizzard. I’ve been a fan for years.”

Victor laughed. “You embarrass me, Carmen.”

“Good, at least you’re smiling again.”

“I always smile with you,” he winked at her.

“Now I’m blushing,” she cried.

“I’m a big fan too,” Victor added. “Like the rest of the country, I’ve followed your remarkable career. I am honoured that you are working for me.” Not for the first time since he’d taken her hand in his office did he wonder how she had remained hidden from him for so long, especially as she had been there, under his nose all the time. The elders had clearly done a remarkable job in obliterating her from his heart and mind after he had failed them so utterly. At least they had allowed him to find her again and re-start his work.

Carmen laughed. “Hardly working. I just go to bookshops and sit at my desk reading proposals and emails. I’m not exactly contributing to the company.”

“Don’t under-rate yourself. I would not have agreed to AA’s hiring of you if I didn’t think you had a great deal to offer. I know you have hidden depths.”

“Mm,” Carmen nodded, unconvinced. “And that’s why we’re up here this weekend. You’re going to help me plumb my inner depths and become the most valuable worker for this month.”

“I’m not sure of your cynical tone, but indeed, we are here for something like that.” Victor swung off the main road.

Carmen was taken aback. “Really? I thought you just wanted to get to know me better, were just being kind to a lonely girl.”

“That too,” Victor patted her leg now. “That mainly. We should be friends, Carmen. We have more in common than you realise. This weekend is about finding some connections.” He caught her grimace. “No, it won’t hurt. In fact, you will have the best weekend you’ve had since you went hunting and camping with your dad.”

She looked at him. Had she had conversations with Victor about her father? She doubted it: she rarely spoke of her father and she and Victor had only had brief interactions, no time for revelations. After all these years she still felt the pain of his loss. How was it fair to lose the parent you loved and still have the one who didn’t care at all about you?

“Much of life isn’t fair,” Victor said absently as he turned onto a smaller rougher track and engaged four-wheel drive.

Carmen settled into her seat and watched the forest thicken and the landscape steepen. She could feel herself relaxing, calming. The turmoil of the last month or so was falling off her like a heavy wet raincoat. She could almost smell the pine and the cold out there. It was dark and close outside and she thrilled to it. This was just like being with her dad. She looked at Victor – was he related? Was he a lost, secret uncle? He knew too much. There had to be a connection. She half expected some sort of revelation this weekend. He was her family and was here to claim her and look after now. No more just her and Madeleine (oh and AA). Now she could feel more a part of the world, not some lost orphan child whose only claim to anything was that she was an exceptional athlete.

Carmen had made an art form of pushing Victor out of her head since that day in his office. What she had felt that day when he took her hand and then when they danced at the launch of her book and the imprint was more than familial affection, in fact it burned her and rivalled anything she felt for Andrew. She knew that spending a weekend alone with Victor was worse than any accusations she’d hurled at Andrew last night. She wasn’t planning anything but she was prepared for any eventuality. Carmen believed she loved Andrew, was certain of it, especially when they made love but when she was away from AA and here with Victor she felt altogether different, more alert, alive, more powerful. It wasn’t just a physical attraction based on desire. It was an odd feeling but one she was growing to love and enjoy immensely.

If she was meant to be with Andrew, this weekend and his time away would tell her quite clearly what she needed to know. If she was meant to be with Victor, which was what she felt was gnawing away at her, then that would be revealed too. It was good to be free to let the world just be. Here in the woods and the mountains she could be and that would be enough to guide her. No need to think, no need to feel guilty or deceitful. All she had to do was be and she knew that Victor would let that happen for her.

The cabin was on the banks of a small lake, now steely grey and still in the late evening, the sun ready to set. A stack of firewood was piled high outside and Victor’s first task was to get the over-sized fire going inside. Carmen brought the food and clothing inside while the dogs ran wild. She went to call them back before they went too far.

“No,” Victor called. “Let them go. They need a good run. Silas will look out for your two and bring them home for dinner. Let them be, Carmen, they need to be here too.”

“Of course,” she smiled. It was so good to see Alaska and Zanzibar well and running again. She’d almost forgotten how much they loved to run – needed to run. They seemed to have recovered fully from the poisoning. It was funny though, she thought as she filled Victor’s fridge, how they had warmed to him immediately. Normally they were highly suspicious of other people, especially men. They had taken some time to warm to Andrew and even now they wanted to growl at him every time he turned up at home. Only the sternest glare from her stopped them. But they liked Victor, ran up to him like he was an old friend, licked his hands, let him pat them. They seemed right at home here, haring off with Silas as soon as they were freed from the car.

“Right then,” Victor clapped his hands as the fire sprung into life. “It’s time we went and got dinner.” He looked at Carmen. “You’ll need to put your hiking boots on, we’re off around the lake.”

Carmen looked puzzled. “But the sun is going down, Victor.”

“Exactly, my dear, the best time to catch a beautiful fish for dinner. You didn’t think we were just going to sit inside by the fire?”

She shook her head. “Not really. I just expected a less exuberant start to the great outdoors.”

Victor laughed. “You’ve gone soft these last years in the Big Apple. You need to be here more than I realised. Off you go, get changed and we’ll hit the lake.”

Victor grabbed a couple of rods and his tackled bag. He ignored the lamp, knowing that he would not need it. He took Carmen’s hand in his and off they marched. She fell into step with him instantly, their long limbs striding out together. It was a treat to be back in the woods. Carmen inhaled the smell of the earth, the decomposing leaf fall on the forest floor and the exquisite perfume of the trees, the scent of pine invigorating her. She felt her step lighten: she wanted to break into a run. But Victor’s hand held hers firmly and kept her to his pace. Gentle, she felt him say although there were no words between them as they followed an overgrown track around the lake’s edge, heading towards a special spot favoured by Victor.

Nightfall came quickly beneath the darkness of the forest. The birds stilled completely and all Carmen could hear was the beating of her own heart. Suddenly they were at an opening in the trees, walking across a small clearing to the lake’s edge. Victor stood still, dropping the fishing gear carelessly beside him on the pebbled foreshore of this part of the lake. Carmen idly wondered why they hadn’t just fished from the jetty out the front of the cabin, but she was in Victor’s hands and was just happy to be here.

“This is the best place for evening fishing,” he said, as if he had heard her thoughts.

Carmen nodded and smiled. “I guessed as much.”

He passed her a rod. “I knew you would. Here, have first cast. Go down to the water’s edge and throw the line out as far as you possible can.”

“And then wait,” she finished, remembering how it had been with her dad.

“Yes, my little cub, just wait,” Victor nodded. “Be still and wait.”

The quiet was like velvet all around them, enfolding and embracing them. The dusk lights played gently on the water, making the lake seem an ancient silvery sea, a place of magic and enchantment. Carmen imagined anything was possible here, a dragon rising from the depths, a pirate ship suddenly hoving into view, a wizard granting her a wish, a knight in armour to rescue her. But why would she need rescuing? She recast her line, knew the fish were out there, almost within reach, she only had to will them closer, tempt them onto her hook, take the bait. A tug, a gentle pull, but nothing.