The Art of Unpacking Your Life (17 page)

Matt sighed. ‘Yes, it is Connie. It's a madness. Can you believe it's me having a surrogate child? How did I end up here?'

He ruffled his hair, which made Luke smile. It was such a familiar gesture.

‘Via Manhattan.'

They both laughed.

‘And the bloody IVF clinic.' He groaned. ‘I haven't told you, but we tried IVF three times.'

Luke squeezed his shoulder. ‘Tough.'

‘Well, we are too old to adopt. So here we are.' He bowed his head. ‘The question is: what if it doesn't work out?'

‘It will, Matt,' Luke said, he hoped reassuringly.

He sighed, ‘Actually, things aren't great. First, I got a call from the hospital – Dawn has pre-eclampsia and she's gone in for an emergency C-section.'

‘Oh my God, Matt,' Luke said. ‘Why didn't you tell us sooner?'

‘I told Dan.'

They both looked at Matt and then glanced at each other.

‘I haven't told Katherine. I know, Connie, please don't start.' He held up his hands. ‘It's in the hands of the gods. What good would telling her do? Can you imagine her worry and stress?'

Luke spoke first. ‘I understand, Matt.'

‘There is no right or wrong about these things,' Connie said calmly.

‘There certainly isn't,' Matt agreed. ‘It's a roller coaster. You can't imagine what it's like having Katherine pumped with hormones, making her crazy and exhausted. Not to mention the joy of squirting your load into a sample pot.'

‘Horrible.' Luke wanted to say something more supportive. He gave him a hug.

‘She was pregnant each time but never ended up keeping a baby.'

Connie took his hand. ‘But you are still so strong together. You must share what's going on with her.'

Luke was jealous of Julian all over again. Did Connie and Julian really talk? They must do. What else held them together? He had always believed that they had better sex than she had with Julian. It wasn't vanity. He knew it in his gut. She married Julian for a long list of his dynamic qualities. Sex wasn't on it.

‘You know, Connie,' Matt sighed. ‘You are right, objectively. I'm the lawyer, but subjectively all I want is to keep Katherine. I love her.'

‘I'm not sure that you keep her by lying to her,' Connie pursued.

Luke blushed. He lied to Emma. He said he loved her when he didn't. He had never told Connie he loved her. He took it for granted that they had a deep-rooted understanding. Only they didn't. He never stopped thinking about how much his silence had cost him. Early on in his relationship with Emma, he made a conscious decision to say he loved her. He couldn't express himself the way he had with Connie. He was instinctively distant from Emma. She knew his declaration was far from the truth.

Matt shrugged his shoulders with a certain resignation. ‘Anyway, let's change the subject. Luke, what's it like being a full-time dad? Enlighten me.'

He eyed Connie before answering. ‘Wonderful and challenging.'

Matt laughed. ‘Only you could sum up something momentous into three words. Hah. I've missed you, Luke.'

Connie stared at him. ‘You don't feel awful taking them away from Emma? I know you can be flexible with your work, but she was at home with them. She is their mother. You have made all three of them suffer.'

Luke wanted to shout at her. You have no idea what you are talking about. Right now, he wished she was Sara, or even Lizzie.

Instead he said, ‘Connie, it's complicated.'

‘Well, explain it to us.'

Matt looked away. He had never been very comfortable with the two of them together, Luke recalled. They had had a sparse shorthand that left Matt lost.

‘Julian, do come and join us,' Matt said loudly.

Luke followed Matt's gaze to Julian looming in the doorway. He looked down. Julian wandered over. Connie gave that irritatingly over-bright smile she reserved for Julian.

‘I'm ready to hit the sack. Constance?'

‘Oh, I thought I'd stay up for a bit. We're catching up, aren't we? If you are okay with that? We can't call the children again until the morning, though Lou and Rolo are bound to be up…'

Luke watched her doing that charade she did with Julian. Julian made Connie talk too much. Luke was convinced it was because he made her nervous and insecure.

‘Sure, why not?' Julian said. ‘Good night, diehards,' he added with an exaggerated wave.

Connie waited until Julian was no longer visible through the window to get up from her sofa. ‘I don't want to miss anything – I need to be nearer to you both.'

‘Hang on, lovely, you sit here,' Matt insisted. ‘In between us: a rose between two thorns. I'll take your seat.'

Luke shifted slightly up the sofa away from Connie, but she moved towards him. ‘I would love to see Ella and Finn again soon. What are they like now?'

Luke smiled. ‘Ella is tall and elegant – she always wears dresses. She is strong with a great sense of humour. She's really wonderful,' Luke paused savouring the thought of her. ‘Finnie is quiet and self-contained. He loves building anything but particularly Lego.'

‘Like you,' Connie gave her half-smile. ‘Has he got your old Lego set?'

Luke nodded and smiled back. Finnie was like him. After a particularly gruesome night with Emma, Luke was in the bathroom trying to aim antiseptic spray down on to his lower back when Finnie had walked in. Luke had rushed to cover himself with a towel. Without saying anything, Finnie had picked up the spray, moved the towel Luke was using as a shield and sprayed his back for him. It had been such a tender but terrible moment. He had realised his children were fully aware of what was going on. He wasn't saving them pain by staying with Emma.

He finally spoke. ‘It's tough, but we are pulling through together. They are with my parents this week, having a great time on the farm.'

Connie slid her hand over his. He had to look up at her. Those blue eyes had been part of him for three years.

‘It must have been awful. Divorce, I couldn't do it.' Connie quickly turned to Matt. ‘And for you too, poor Matt. Of course.'

At the mention of his name, Matt lurched up. ‘Luke, mate, I love you, but I desperately need to get some sleep. I've got a big day tomorrow.' He leaned over to squeeze his shoulder. ‘Emma didn't deserve you. And we all love you. I do want to talk to you about it properly. We will, okay, mate?'

Luke gave him a half-wave. ‘Don't worry.' He got up.

Matt pushed him back down. ‘Hey, I don't want to break up the party. I'll see you tomorrow. Come what may.'

Matt had been his foil at university with his blustery good humour and down-to-earth chat. He had filled the gaps. Now Matt was gone, Luke sat in silence. He knew Connie would feel less obliged to talk. She too could sink into silence. He thought of her wedding present, which had saved him. He believed in the inevitability of his fate, particularly at that moment.

She gave them a vast canvas of grey waves painted as if the artist, Andrew Pollock, was himself in the water. Luke never lived by the sea, but he was drawn to it. Connie and Luke spotted some of Pollock's first paintings in a gift shop in Clifton. Luke fell in love with Pollock's art. They had no money, even though the artist's work was relatively cheap at the time. By the time he was engaged to Emma, Luke was
already extremely wealthy. He could have commissioned a series of Pollock's paintings, but he forgot about his work and how happy it made him.

Connie dropped the painting wrapped in a brown paper and a huge purple velvet bow into his office. She didn't leave a card with it. Luke wanted to keep it in his office but he brought it home with him. It had been a stupid move.

Emma lifted the canvas off their open plan kitchen wall, propped it against the lower kitchen cupboards and took a knife from the block and punched it through the canvas. He raised his hand as if to try and stop her, but he knew there was only one way to do it. She wanted him to fight back and he could never give her that satisfaction. He remembered her words: ‘Does this hurt? Do you finally feel something?'

The next morning, Luke started divorce proceedings. He asked his divorced business partner for the contact details of his lawyer. Luke told the lawyer what Emma was doing to him. He was the first person he told. Forty-eight hours later, Luke had a preliminary injunction in place and temporary custody of his children, pending the court case. He rented an empty house near the office. The following Saturday, he went with Ella and Finn to Lots Road and bid for a houseful of furniture.

‘One more?' Luke spoke hesitantly into the silence between them.

‘Yes, why not,' Connie said quickly.

Luke leapt up to find the barman. He was in the storage room behind the bar, getting changed into a pair of jeans. He gave Luke a friendly wave and suggested he help himself, as he was getting changed to leave for the night.

He heard Connie's giggles and looked up with a self-conscious smile.

‘You're not a student now. What are you doing?'

He grinned back. ‘The barman told me to help myself.'

They both laughed. Luke was beginning to relax. He sat down closer to her this time. ‘Yours is large, after that comment.'

‘Thanks. Are you trying to get me drunk?'

‘Not difficult,' Luke bounced back, ‘Only you can't steal my glass.' It was their joke after that first formal dinner. Luke was grateful when she smiled broadly.

‘Connie, thank you for organising this trip. I love it. I might marry a giraffe next.'

They giggled. Connie stopped first. She rubbed her hand along his arm. He tried hard to look unaffected by her touch.

‘Luke, tell me what happened with Emma. I thought you were well suited and happy.'

He frowned. He didn't want to talk about Emma. He wanted to enjoy being with Connie. She was watching him, the way she did. She read him as if he were transparent glass. His emotional nakedness in front of her excited him.

He put his elbows down on to his knees and rested his hands on the back of his head. ‘Connie.' He mumbled, ‘It was my fault.'

She looked solemn and dreamy, how he always thought of her. ‘It was never your fault, Luke.'

They stared at each other, digesting what she had said.

‘Yes it was. I never told you that I loved you. I don't know why.' He hadn't meant to talk about them. He didn't want to start this conversation. It couldn't lead anywhere positive. ‘My big mistake.'

Connie blushed and looked away.

Luke pursued it. ‘Julian said he loved you immediately, didn't he? If he hadn't, you wouldn't have left me.' Stop. Why are you doing this? You are friends again. Don't ruin it. She'll leave you sitting alone and unhappy.

Connie didn't leave, but she didn't answer the question. ‘For the record, I should never have ended it the way I did. I always have felt deeply ashamed about it.' She turned to lightly touch his knee and quickly added, ‘Not that it matters now, of course. It was a long time ago.'

‘It was a long time ago,' he echoed.

‘Luke, tell me about Emma.'

He remained resolutely silent. Luke felt a deep yearning for her and a huge sense of loss. She leaned back against the arm of the sofa. She took off her shoes and bent her knees up. Then she waited. She didn't say anything. It was the great joy of Connie, she always knew when he needed silence. It was a tremendous relief, like the end of a migraine.

‘Okay. So tell me, Luke.'

‘Tell me why you put up with Julian's affairs, and I'll tell you about Emma.'

Luke could see from the wrinkles tightening around Connie's eyes that he had overstepped the line. But he wasn't worried. She knew him well enough to know the
question wasn't a gratuitous tit for tat. Luke wanted to know why Connie let Julian get away with it. What hold did he have on Connie that had eluded him?

‘It's complicated.' She paused.

‘I know.' It was complicated with Emma. He couldn't begin to unravel it.

‘I was Julian's first girlfriend. He had never slept with anyone before me. He focused entirely on his future, even when he was a schoolboy. Then he became powerful and realised many women found him attractive. It flattered his ego.' She looked up brightly.

Luke shook his head. ‘You are giving me his justification. I'm not interested in him. I want to know why you put up with it.'

‘You sound like Sara,' Connie said.

‘The children?' she said in a way that made it sound like a question.

Luke was silent.

‘Okay, Julian and I have history. I have spent half my life with him. I cannot erase those experiences or that time. We have created a large family together. It's a profound experience. Julian has sex with lots of women, but he only has all those reference points with me.' She looked up at him, pleading for his understanding. ‘I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt. It's incredibly painful at times.'

Luke gently nodded.

She continued, as if desperate to convince him. ‘But we are a clan: unbeatable together, destructible apart. Julian is an amazing father and husband. We don't work without Julian. He's the lynchpin. He drives us together and forward,' she paused and looked down. ‘I'm ordinary without him, Luke.'

Luke was angry. ‘Rubbish, Connie.'

She shook her head. ‘Emma?'

‘I divorced Emma because she was violent.' Luke was calm, though he didn't risk looking at Connie. ‘Never with the children. But it's why I have custody.'

She was the only friend he could ever have told. Matt would be ashamed for him, Sara aggressive, Lizzie dramatic, Dan too empathetic. There was only Connie. She hugged him. He instinctively flinched but she continued to hug him and finally he relaxed. When she pulled away, he saw the strain around her eyes. It hurt her, perhaps, as much it had hurt him. She linked arms and stroked his right shirt sleeve with her other hand.