The Art of Keeping Faith (35 page)

“Oh, is that all? Okay!”

“Stop being paranoid.”

“Okay,” I say, but don’t necessarily mean it.

“Have you got to go? It’s very late and you have class in the morning.”

I look at the time. Twelve-thirty. Damn it.

“Yeah, I guess. I will speak to you when you can,” I say. I don’t want the call to end, not if it is going to be indefinite when we next talk.

“Lilah, I will ring you in a few days. All I meant is that I won’t be able to call as much as I have been.”

“I didn’t know you had been!”

“I know! The one time I can and you are asleep, what are the chances!”

What are the chances?

“Okay. Love you, Ben.”

“Love you, Lilah.”

Then I hang up the phone and wait for the blackness to descend like it has the last few nights.

Except it doesn’t.

I am restless and unsettled and end up tidying my room instead.

Meredith finds me bleaching the bathroom four hours later.

5.30 p.m.

“Lilah, what on earth? Are you okay?”

It’s Richard, he is peering at me over the top of my study desk.

“N-o-o.” I stutter. I am blowing snot bubbles everywhere.

“Why are you crying in the library? Have you been watching Gladiator again?”

Oh, Gladiator.

My hiccup tears turn to full on sobs.

“N-o. I a-m j-u-s-t s-o-o-o t-i-r-ed.” I say wiping snot over my face.

He looks at his watch. “Fancy going to grab a pizza and then watching a movie at yours?”

“T-h-a-n-k y-o-u,” I say, offering him a watery smile.

I don’t know why I am crying in the library. I was fine after class. I walked across campus and waved Meredith a cheery goodbye. I got to the top of the stairs at the History floor and then started to cry. I have not been able to stop since.

Pizza and a movie sounds good. That will be a very pleasant way to spend the evening.

8th March

Work

I feel like death. I woke up at seven in my own bed, but I don’t remember getting there. I still had all my clothes on. At first I thought that was a little odd, until I sat up and found a note from Richard (slightly chewed by Kit) on the end of the bed.

Lilah, you fell asleep five minutes into the movie so I put you in bed. Hope you feel better, have a good weekend.

I don’t feel better. I feel odd.

Now Baz is looking at me expectantly. He has slept on my business idea for a week and is now watching my reaction as he tells me he thinks it is wonderful and we should go for it.

“That’s great, Baz,” I tell him.

“You don’t sound it,” he grumbles.

I make my smile a little wider.

“It is great. Sorry I have just had a bit of a big week.” It wasn’t that big but I feel like it should have been.

“Shall we have a beer to celebrate?”

“Yeah, sure. Why not?” I shrug.

Baz passes me a cold Bud out of the fridge. He must have been planning our celebration as we very rarely have cold beers.

I take one sip and then spit it out.
“It’s off,” I tell him handing him the bottle back.

He takes a sip of his own and then of mine.

“No, it’s not. Bud always tastes like that and you’ve never complained before.”

“It has never tasted like piss before.”

“Well I beg to differ but it has.”

“Whatever,” I say grabbing the bottle and drinking some more down.

I am sure if I can just get it to go down it will make me feel much better.

5.00 p.m.

Beth, Jayne, Meredith and I are at the pub that smells of old farts. We are meeting to help Meredith talk through her wedding venue options. I have tried to tell her I think this is a conversation she should have with Tristan, but she wants to sort out what she wants first before talking to him about it.

“That’s odd,” I tell her as I stare at the wine in my glass. I think I may have had a few too many Buds at work, my head feels all fluffy.

“It’s not odd. I just need to work out what I want and then I can go about convincing him it’s what he wants to.”

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know.”

Beth snorts her wine. “Well, I’d go simple and refined,” she says which makes us all laugh, even me with my fuzzy head.

“I’d go big and flash,” Jayne adds her two bobs worth.

“What do you want?” I ask Meredith as I eye the wine in my glass some more.

She gives a sigh and I take the break in conversation to take a sip of the cold wine.

“It’s off,” I announce.

Meredith frowns at me. “Lilah, it is not bloody off. You think everything tastes off at the moment.”

I can’t argue with that. Everything has a very strange metallic ring to it, like I have been sucking on a penny.

“So anyway, what sort of wedding do you, Meredith, not my mother, want?” I prompt her again.

“I don’t want to say, it’s pathetic.”

We all do that group girl thing where we go “Ah, no it won’t be,” at the same time. I lean over and pat her hand encouragingly.

“I want to get married at the local church and then walk to the pub across the road for sausages and mash,” she tells us.

“That is so romantic,” Jayne sighs.

Meredith turns to me. “What do you think, Lil, you are the head bridesmaid?”

“I-t-h-i-n-k- t-h-a-t- s-o-u-n-d-s l-o-v-e-l-y,” I tell her before making that odd donkey noise and blowing snot bubbles.

9th March

Too much wine!

Too much wine = bad

A glance at my phone confirms my worst fears. Drunk texting.

Ben:
Are you still crying?

Me:
Maybe. x

Ben:
Why?

Me:
Their wedding sounds so romantic I am jealous.

Ben:
Don’t be jealous

Me:
But they r having sausages and mash. I want sausages and mash

Ben:
What now? ;-)

Me:
No. At my wedding

Nothing back. Unsurprisingly Ben did not feel the need to comment back to his drunk girlfriend about her imaginary wedding.

Oh God. He is going to think I want him to propose just so I can have a bloody sausages and mash reception.

Kill me, please. It will help my headache.

11.30 p.m.

Ben:
That’s ok we can have hotdogs and chips. xxx

What does that mean? Can’t think now, I feel the distinct need to clean something.

13th March

It’s official. I have a nasty sleeping bug. I haven’t been to the doctors, but I fell asleep during a lecture today. That has never happened before, no matter how hung over I’ve been or how little sleep I have had. I have never, ever fallen asleep during a lecture and then stayed asleep after the lecturer has slammed a heavy book by my head to try and wake me up.

It’s a first.

Meredith was also asleep during the lecture but that is because she went to The Fez last night. I didn’t hear Beth and Jayne arriving at our place. I didn’t hear them getting ready and I didn’t hear Meredith get home and fall over my backpack that I had abandoned by the door after class yesterday.

15th March

I’ve slept the whole week. This is ridiculous, even Tristan the Arse has noticed and commented now.

I haven’t heard from Ben, although I know Baz has. Baz has had lots of promotional stuff done for the new business venture, and all of it has the Sound Box logo on it. I asked him at work today if Sound Box were definitely okay with that sort of affiliation but he assured me he had spoken to Ben and that it was all cool.

I bit back tears when I heard he had spoken to Ben when I hadn’t. I know it’s silly. Ben told me very clearly that he was going to be really busy, but we have only had sporadic sober text messages all week and it is starting to drag a little.

Meredith and Tristan are out tonight so I am going to spend some quality time in front of the telly watching some of my shit instead of theirs.

I’m even making popcorn.

Later

Popcorn’s off.

Rubbish.

Even later

The phone is ringing, I must have fallen asleep but the sound of the ring jogs me out of my coma and I dash to my room to grab the cordless phone.

“Hello?”

“So you never officially said yes or no to the hotdog and chips idea.”

I smile a little and sink onto my bed.

“I was wondering where you were,” I tell Ben.

“Sorry,” he says as I hear him take a drag of his cigarette.

Oooh, cigarette? Oh what’s the bloody point? That will probably be off, too.

“I’ve missed you. Have you still got your sleepy bug?”

“Yes, it is very weird. Hold on, why are you calling on a Saturday night, shouldn’t you be on stage.”

“Going to be in about two minutes, I just wanted to tell you I miss you.”

Tears sting my eyes again. “Ben, I miss you too.”

“Get some sleep, Lilah.”

“Very funny. Have a good gig.”

“Oh we will, they love us.”

Yes I am sure they do.

“Well, I love you.”

“And I love you.”

“Night, Ben.”

“Night, Lilah.”

He may be thousands of miles away, but he still knows just the right things to say to me, and that is one of the reasons why I do completely love him.

17th March

Professor Pilchard is saying something, I am sure it is very, very interesting; I just can’t hear it over the ringing in my ears. There is a buzzing in my ears which is leading me to believe that I may have a bee hive stuck in there.

It’s March, and bloody freezing, but I am sitting in the lecture hall sweating and I have a rather bad feeling that I may have a tummy bug.

I have only ever felt like this when it has been followed by two days shitting through the eye of a needle.

Saying that, I am a bit plump again, so a tummy bug will not be all bad news.

“Lilah, what do you think?” Pilchard turns to me expectantly.

I think.
BZZZZ, BZZZZ, BZZZZ.

Nope, it’s no good. I am going to be sick. Dashing out of the room as fast as I can, I’m lucky enough to just about reach a waste paper basket in the hallway before I bring up my morning toast and coffee.

That is completely gross and very embarrassing.

“Lilah, are you okay?” It’s Meredith who has crept up behind me and is rubbing a hand up and down my back.

“Don’t come any closer, I think I have a bug.”

“I’ll go get your stuff.”

After she is gone I stand with my hands on my hips taking deep breaths. It’s okay I feel a little better. I start to pick up the basket to go and find a big bin to put it in, but before I find one I throw up again.

“Come on, Lilah, let’s get you home.”

Meredith is back and standing expectantly with the keys to Deathtrap Cooper in her hand.

This time I haven’t got the strength to fight her on it. She can just drive and I will hope I can make it home alive.

20th March

Dead. I am officially dead.

There is no way this is a tummy bug, I must have e-coli or something. Every time I try to move I throw up. I haven’t eaten since Monday morning, the metallic taste is so much worse even when I have not eaten anything.

Meredith wants me to go to the doctors but what is the point? It is just a bug and it will pass eventually.

Oh God, must not think about being sick too much.

22nd March

Ben just called.

I couldn’t talk to him. If I speak or move I am sick.

Meredith sat on the end of my bed and chatted with him, and I nodded here and there trying to keep my gaze focused on the ceiling, silent tears coursing down my face.

This sucks so bad.

Tristan had to ring Baz and tell him that I was still really ill. He probably thinks I have a terrible hangover and am too scared to tell him. Although, if he knows me as well as I think he does he would know I am not one to hide my hangovers. I like to embrace them.

I wish this was a hangover because then I would know it would be over soon. This is bloody ridiculous.

24th March

“I said you would catch cooties, you must have had them and then given them to me.” I scowl. I can just about manage a scowl so long as I don’t move my head when performing it.

Richard laughs and sits down on the edge of my bed. “How would I have given them to you?”

“I don’t know, it must have been when you handed me that slice of pizza the other week.”

Oh, God. Don’t think about pizza.

“Blimey, Lilah, I thought Meredith was exaggerating, but you really are rather sick.”

I can’t turn my head to look at him because that would take my gaze off the ceiling, which would undoubtedly cause me to be ill. Again.

I made that mistake this morning when I got up to go to the loo and then had to make the alarming decision of whether to be sick in the toilet or pee on the floor.