The Art of Empathy (36 page)

HOW TO LISTEN, REFLECT AND SHARE

1. Listen first:
When you're working with someone in turmoil, the first step is to
listen
compassionately, without interruption. You let the person talk his or her way through the issue without turning it into a conversation about what you would do or have done or have thought of doing (and you don't take anything
personally—this step is not about
you!).
You don't impede the flow of words, but neither do you just sit there like a rock. Instead, you make supportive sounds like,
yeah,
or
mm-hmm,
while still letting the person have the floor. This step often brings a solution forward on its own, because people almost never get the chance to talk without interruptions or suggestions (usually because the listener can't simply sit with the discomfort and trust the speaker to find his or her own way). Most of us never get to the deeper parts of our stories or issues, because other people are always hijacking the conversation and trying to fix everything or shut down the flow because it's uncomfortable
for them.
However, if we're allowed to really talk things out, we often talk ourselves right into our own solutions.

The empathic practices of Conscious Complaining and Conscious Questioning are solitary ways of accessing the amazing problem-solving abilities that exist inside your internal monologue. My mom's three-step process is a practice you can use with a person who doesn't have his or her own empathic practice yet, but it's also a process you can request from a friend when you have difficulties that don't respond to Conscious Complaining or Conscious Questioning. Sometimes, you really need the support of another person, and this process can help the other person learn how to work with you in empathic, truly helpful, and boundary-respecting ways.

2. Reflect next:
If the talking doesn't bring solutions, the second step (when the person tells you that he or she is done) is to
reflect
on what you heard. People have so little chance to be heard that sometimes they skitter around their issues if you just let them talk. So to help them get back on track, the second step is to paraphrase what you heard them say, always checking in with them to see if you heard them correctly. This is the reflecting phase, and it's not about your opinions just yet. If you can correctly reflect another person's words, they may be able to hear what they meant to say, and they may be able to hear their own solution in the words that got away from them.

3. Share last:
If your reflections don't help the person see the issue more clearly, then the third step is to
share
your impressions and perceptions. This is the time when you can, you know,
be
an empath! Please realize, however, that you're being empathic when you listen compassionately without stopping the flow and when you reflect accurately. You have to know when to say “mm-hmm” when you listen, and you have to know how to listen well enough to reflect; those
are
empathic skills. But if more input is needed, step three is where you get to call it as you see it—with caveats, of course.

Moving to reflection means that you get to bring your understanding of the emotions into play. When you share your information about what you see, be sure to protect the other person's dignity. If you say, “I think I'm picking up this emotion. You tell me if it's true,” then you place that person in a position of power as the final arbiter of what his or her emotional state is. If you try to name emotions for others or tell them authoritatively, “You're feeling afraid,” you'll invade their privacy, and you may activate the emotion that protects their standpoint, voice, and self-image (this is a test: name that emotion!). If you can instead ask, “
Could
this be some fear?” you'll honor your emotional intuition by saying the name of the emotion out loud, and you'll also honor the other person's dignity by bringing forth your awareness as a question. Of course, you can also use your weasel words if you notice that the real names of emotions tend to trigger this person.

If you tell people how they're feeling, you'll place yourself above them as the knower of all things, and that's not very empathic. When you engage perceptively, you focus on the other person's needs, rather than on your own need to be an expert. The point isn't to become a magical emotion translator; if you give over with your advice, your insights, and your wisdom, people will learn a great deal, but they won't gain a great deal of
self
-knowledge. Remember that it's an honor to be allowed so close to another person; it's not a right! When someone unmasks before you, you need to behave honorably. Therefore, your sharing should always be done very carefully, with the full cooperation and permission of the other person.

Checking in with other people also helps you hone your empathic skills. If you ask about your impressions, and the person disagrees with you, this may help you understand when you're projecting your own emotions into the situation. If so, you can apologize, ground and refocus yourself, and ask questions to regain your accuracy and clarity.

When you're in the third step of this process, your first two skills—compassionate listening and reflective paraphrasing—are still important. Let's say you pick up on a loose thread in the person's conversation and offer, “I thought I sensed some resentment, like there was something that was still gnawing at you. What do you think?” If you correctly picked up that thread, you may help the person refocus and process verbally again. Then, you'd listen again, without interrupting, and reflect clearly what you heard. Sometimes, all it takes is your picking up that one thread, because uncovering an overlooked emotion often helps people get back on track.

This three-step process makes empathy very manageable and very respectful of the boundaries of both people. Again, the steps are
listen
first,
reflect
next, and
share
last. These three steps take a lot of the mystery out of the empathic process, thank goodness. Thanks, Mom!

WHEN SOCIAL POSITIONS ARE UNEQUAL

This careful, respectful, and question-based process can create a balanced and equal relationship. It can also be an excellent way to create equality if you're working empathically with a subordinate, such as an employee or a person much younger than yourself. If you're in a leadership position (which doesn't lend itself to equal empathic relationships), it's a good idea to equalize a little by being open about your own emotional issues before you start. You can even ask for input and let the other person know that you value his or her ability to interpret emotions and situations. You can't change your age or your job title, but you can be real with people. So go ahead and be a leader or an elder, but use your skills to lead the way to equality in the relationship.

Something to be aware of:
When you're in the sharing portion of this process, be careful not to set yourself up as a translator for the other person's emotions. When you can properly identify an emotion and ask the correct questions, it can seem as if you know more about a person's life than they do. This can set up a very unhealthy dependency, in which people may think you're some sort of expert. Make sure that you let people in on the process of asking the right emotional questions. Your skills in listening, reflecting, and sharing are very valuable, but they
are
skills. If you treat your empathic abilities as magical, you'll cripple the people you work with, because they'll begin to think that emotional awareness and Empathic Accuracy come from you. If you can share your skills openly, however, you'll support people in becoming empathically
self
-aware—and then we'll have more healthy and happy empaths in the world. Score!

WHEN PEOPLE DON'T AGREE WITH YOUR EMPATHIC IMPRESSIONS

Sometimes, people will flat out tell you that an emotion you picked up isn't there, that you're imagining it, and that they aren't feeling it at all. You and I know that emotional awareness tends to be low in many people and that emotional honesty can feel threatening for others. Therefore, if you have
someone in your life who swears that you're an empathic failure, I want you to think about the many complex factors that can get in the way of skillful empathic interactions:

1. You could be right, but perhaps you phrased things in such a way that the person feels unmasked and unsafe for reasons that may have nothing to do with you.

2. You could be projecting your own current emotional state onto the person, who doesn't feel what you're feeling right now.

3. You could be projecting, yet it's still true that the other person feels it right now.

4. You could feel your own intensity level of the emotion and mistakenly assume that the other person feels it in the way you do (with all of your baggage).

5. You could be having a kind of flashback to emotional behaviors in your family or your childhood—and you could be projecting those into this situation.

6. The person could honestly be unaware that he or she is feeling the emotion.

7. The person could be deeply ashamed of and dissociated from the emotion.

8. The person could view emotions as a sign of weakness or lack of control and misidentify them or ignore them intentionally.

9. The person could be trying to mess with you.

10. The person could be lying.

In the first five situations, your own difficulties with communication or emotional skills are getting in the way of skillful empathizing. All of the skills in this book will help you address those difficulties. Empathy is a malleable skill, and you can increase your empathic skills at any stage of your life. But in the second five situations, the other person's (lack of) skills and emotional awareness are where the problems lie. If this person is in your most intimate empathic zone, you'll need to go back to
Chapter 7
to take a closer look at this person's empathic awareness and emotional styles to figure out what's up. In difficult situations like this, clear communication that is emotionally honest and vulnerable can really help—though in some cases, people simply can't tolerate that kind of communication.

The way I deal with people who don't want to be seen and who don't want to be in any kind of empathic communication is to become very clear about my own emotional landscape so that I'm not projecting or leaking, because being seen and being vulnerable can make some people feel truly awful. Therefore, the most empathic response in that situation is to stop trying to be empathic, if you get my drift. When someone sends you clear signals that empathy isn't appreciated, then Perceptive Engagement requires that you back away.

When I'm in the presence of emotionally unaware people who want to dampen my emotional awareness because it feels threatening or exposing to them, I immediately ground, set my boundaries, and threshold by breaking eye contact and moving away slowly, even imperceptibly—in the way you would with a distrustful animal. I also keep up a strong inner dialogue so that I can maintain my voice, standpoint, and emotional awareness, no matter what kind of empathic silencing is going on around me. In our emotional training, we've all learned wildly backward and unhelpful things about emotions, and many people simply can't face their emotions. That's okay.

If these people want to move forward with you, you can share this book and let them know that you're working to develop your empathy. You can use the empathically clumsy situations between you as examples that will help you explore and deepen your relationship. However, if these people state that they're not interested in developing an empathic connection with you, you'll have some very important information about who they are, what's important to them, and how you'll approach them in the future (Wonder Weasels? Check!). Some people will not want to get into sync with you, and that's okay, as long as it's clearly stated and clearly understood.

In your intimate life, however, with people who really
do
want to empathize with you, there will be times when you and your loved ones lose your empathic connection with each other. The practices that follow, which were handed down to me by my mom, can be used when your intimate relationships need some empathic healing.