The Art of Empathy (3 page)

“Hmmm,” he said, meeting my eyes willingly. “Do I look grouchy to you?”

“No,” I replied. “You don't
look
grouchy; you
are
grouchy.”

He laughed and sent me to play in the waiting room while he talked to my mom. Mom told me that he sort of patted her on the head in commiseration and explained that I had no filters, that I was unusually sensitive to every possible form of input—visual, auditory, tactile (he knew this from preliminary testing by my pediatrician), and emotional—and that she was going to have to protect me from the world until I learned how to manage all of my intense sensitivities. He made this diagnosis in a few seconds, empathic man that he was, because I had read through his smile and his calm demeanor and picked up on the emotional residues of a fight that he had had with his wife on the phone earlier that morning. I marvel at how lucky I was to be seen by this doctor. Another doctor might have been offended by such an impertinent child; another doctor might have lied or not even remembered the fight. But this doctor validated my strong empathic capacity and set my mom and me onto a path of trying to create a healthy, nurturing environment for an intensely sensitive person. (This book is filled with information on how you can create a similar healthy environment for yourself and your loved ones.)

With strong empathic skills, you can get to know people very deeply in a seemingly magical period of time, and it can seem as if you have access to some sort of paranormal skill. But empathic skills aren't magical; they're normal human abilities—even when they're very highly developed.

After a sea change in my understanding of what it means to be an empath, as well as a return to college to study the social sciences, I now know that empathic abilities are not in any way paranormal. I apologize for having been so confused about that, because framing empathy as a mystical skill made it into something special and unobtainable—and that isn't something I ever felt comfortable about. Empathic awareness that is highly developed can look mystical, but it's not. Although the world that empathy reveals
is
a hidden world of undercurrent, subtext, and nonverbal cues, it is not a mystical world; rather, it is the social interactional world—and it is a world that we can all learn to understand more clearly.

A vital part of that understanding comes from learning how to work with (not against) emotions. Of all the things we pick up from others empathically, emotions can be the most problematic. When we lose our empathy for others, it's not usually because we don't agree with their subtext, their nuance, or
their gestural language. No, when we lose our empathy and shut people out, it's usually because we sense an emotion (or an emotional tone) that makes us uncomfortable.

For me, learning how to maintain my empathy in the face of any and all emotions has been a real game changer, and it has made being an empath infinitely easier. Empathy is a fundamentally emotional skill, and understanding emotions empathically—as vital parts of cognition—is a key to understanding the often-obscured processes that make empathy work. Thankfully, empathy isn't a hidden world for me now—the processes aren't mysterious, the emotions don't knock me out of commission, the extensive information I pick up isn't concealed from my conscious awareness, and the decisions I make about what to do in response to my empathic observations are not random. This is the approach to empathy that I'll be sharing with you.

Empathy helps you comprehend, connect to, and care about others; it helps you create healthy relationships, healthy communities, and a healthy society. As our world becomes ever more multicultural, we can all see the chilling effects of people becoming intentionally less empathic about the
other,
whoever that other may be. Racism, sexism, religious intolerance, homophobia, ageism, ableism (insensitivity and discrimination toward the disabled), and political polarization are all results of a breakdown in empathy, and each leads directly to misery and injustice. Empathy for the seeming other is the magical ingredient that can help us learn to live more peacefully with ourselves; with our friends, family, and community; and, most especially, with people who are nothing at all like us.

BUT FIRST, HOW EMPATHIC ARE YOU?

Empathy is a vital skill that we all possess to varying degrees, and the good news is that it can be worked with and developed throughout our lives. Empathic abilities can also be increased or calmed down (in the case of hyperempathy) at any age. I'm providing this informal empathic inventory for you, but rather than treating it as the final word on your empathic skills, please look at it as a snapshot of your current situation. Your empathic capacity is actually fluid and malleable throughout your life span.

If you have a low empathy score, this book will help you increase your empathic abilities; if you have a very high score, this book will help you moderate your hyperempathy so that you can live more comfortably. As you'll learn, there's a sweet spot with empathic skills—a
juuust right
place where
your empathy is neither too cold nor too hot. So as you answer yes or no to each statement that follows, understand that in most cases, you can modify each capacity. Empathy is a skill, and it's a pliable skill at that.

YOUR EMPATHIC INVENTORY

____ I tend to know how others are feeling, even (or especially
if
) they are trying to hide it.

____ I tend to avoid conflict because I don't want to hurt others or make them feel embarrassed.

____ People (and animals) and their relationships and interactions are endlessly interesting to me.

____ I do
not
need to see other's faces to read their emotions.

____ I am drawn to situations of injustice, and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to alleviate suffering.

____ I often mimic the mannerisms, accents, and body language of others without meaning to.

____ I tend to think about interpersonal issues by imagining myself in the place of those involved.

____ I have a very easy time reading between the lines, under the surface, and behind the obvious.

____ I feel beauty palpably; beauty creates a sense of delight and expansiveness in my body.

____ Interpersonal conflict—even when it does not involve me personally—often feels physically painful to me.

____ I do not like black-and-white polarization; the truth usually resides somewhere in the middle.

____ When I make a social blunder, I feel extremely disturbed, and I work hard to make things right again.

____ I feel the emotions of others viscerally, as if the emotions belong to me.

____ I can sense and identify multiple simultaneous emotions in myself, in others, and in interactions between duos or groups.

____ I can sense and identify the relative intensity of multiple emotions in myself, in others, and in interactions betweenduos or groups.

____ I consider the needs and feelings of others in decisions I make, often to the point of ignoring my own needs and feelings.

____ I love to watch interactions, especially when the people or animals are unaware of me.

____ I enjoy drama, movies, good television shows, and well-told stories.

____ I love good literature, well-written characters, and well-paced stories.

____ I love to play with and interact lovingly with people and animals.

____ I have an easy, natural ability in one or more art forms.

____ I have a good, and often silly, sense of humor.

____ I am good with shy people.

____ I am good with children.

____ I am good with animals.

____ In an emergency, I can focus on what's important and provide assistance.

____ I often feel tender, protective feelings toward others—even complete strangers.

____ Art, music, and literature touch me very deeply.

____ I am very sensitive to foods and tend to respond markedly to dietary changes.

____ I have an intense capacity to focus on activities that delight and engage me.

____ When I'm in conflict with others, I tend to talk deeply about it with third parties so that I can sort out the many issues that have led to the conflict.

____ I love to talk about and think about interpersonal issues and social structures.

____ I have a rich interior life, and I enjoy being alone with my thoughts and ideas.

____ I often need to get away from the needs of others and recharge my emotional batteries.

____ I am deeply sensitive to things like sounds, colors, textures, scents, shapes, and spatial relationships between objects.

____ I am able to stay present (for myself and others) in the face of intense emotions like grief, rage, and despair.

____ I tend to physically feel the emotions of fear and anxiety of others in my own body, especially when others are unwilling or unable to admit to feeling them.

____ I enjoy thinking about, searching for, and finding the perfect gift for others.

____ I regularly feel alongside others; I feel their emotions and share their concerns.

____ I tend to approach problems tangibly, using my hands and body as I think about and walk through the issues involved.

____ I gesture a great deal when I communicate, and my face is often very animated.

____ With those closest to me, I tend to rely upon gestures and eye contact (rather than words) during conversations.

____ I am very aware of the personal space of others.

SCORING YOUR ANSWERS

1–20 yes responses:
If you answered yes to twenty or fewer of these questions, you can consider yourself to be somewhat low in empathic ability at this moment. However, the reasons for this are different for each person. This score may mean that you're relatively uninterested in or unaware of the emotions and situations of others. But sometimes, a low score can mean that you're actually hyperempathic but currently unable to organize your sensitivities and your concern for others in a way that works for you. In hyperempathy, you may experience overwhelm in the presence of emotions or interactions, and you may shut down as a protective response. In either case, this book can help you. If you're insensitive to emotions and interactions, this book will help you become more aware of and skillful with them; and if you're overwhelmed by emotions and interactions, this book will help you organize and address your sensitivities so that you can live more comfortably in the social world.

21–32 yes responses:
This midrange of yes responses may place you in that
juuust right
empathic sweet spot I mentioned—where your empathic abilities are neither too cold nor too hot. However, there may be areas where you need some support in increasing or decreasing specific sensitivities. We want this sweet spot to be comfortable, so that you can be a healthy and happy empathic presence in a world that needs you!

33–44 yes responses:
This number of yes responses places you in the high empathy category, which can lead you into hyperempathy if you haven't yet learned to create effective boundaries, work gracefully with emotions, and
use self-regulation skills when you're overwhelmed. As it is with any talent or tendency, high levels of ability can be a double-edged sword. Although it can be very easy for you to empathize, the steps involved in healthy empathizing may be hidden from you because you didn't really ever learn
how
to do it. In this book, we'll explore each of the specific and connected aspects of empathy so that you'll have the tools you need to understand and manage your empathic abilities.

As you read through the discussion of your own score, think about people in your life who you would currently label as being low in empathy or high in empathy and then read through those categories as well. People who seem to be very low in empathy can sometimes be covering up an uncomfortable amount of hypersensitivity or an uncomfortably deep level of concern for others, which means they could use some gentleness and accommodation from others. On the other side of the coin, people who seem to be very high in empathy can be heading for burnout, because their empathic skills are
too
activated, which means they could use some gentleness and accommodation as well.

Wherever you currently stand with your empathic skills, I welcome you, and I appreciate your willingness to explore and deepen these vital social and emotional capacities. In this book, we'll work together to help you find your own version of that
just right
place where your empathic skills and sensitivities are accessible, understandable, workable, and comfortable for you.

Thank you for embarking upon this empathic journey, and thank you for being willing to bring your emotional awareness and your healthy empathy to a waiting world. I appreciate you!

C
HAPTER
2

Defining and Redefining Empathy

An Empathic Approach

IN THE JANUARY 2012 issue of the academic journal
Emotion Review,
scholars from around the globe and across the disciplines came together to share current research on empathy. Surprisingly, there is not yet a clear, agreed-upon definition of
empathy
or of the differing facets that constitute empathy. (As for
empaths
? Forget that! They're not even a topic of scientific notice.) In fact, debates about empathy are in full flower in the fields of philosophy, psychology, anthropology, sociology, social work, primatology, evolutionary biology, and cognitive neuroscience—and the precise functional definition of empathy is currently being argued about all over the world.

This is not actually a problem (in most cases), because this kind of dynamic, multifaceted, and often-contentious interaction is what you want to see in a healthy scientific pursuit, especially in regard to something as crucial as empathy. In many disciplines, research on emotions and empathy is currently undergoing tremendous upheaval and renewal as we continually reassess human evolution and human (and animal) behavior—and as we increase our capacity to understand the inner workings of the brain.