The Arrangement (18 page)

In a television show or movie, Carter would turn around with a smile and they’d kiss and everything would fall into place. Life didn’t imitate art, however, and Carter remained facing the desk, unyielding and silent, incapable of opening up to give Reed what he needed.

So in the end this visit had proved useless, and Reed would be damned if he’d humiliate himself any further.

“I see.” He heaved a sigh, then walked over to his chair and picked up his knapsack, which lay discarded on the floor. “You know, I thought you were the smart one. You have it all; money, your own business, and that enviable confidence I always wished I had.” He hefted the knapsack to his shoulder and put his hand on the doorknob. “But now I see how wrong I was. You’re no better than me and probably worse.”

He opened the door. “At least I know what I want and I’m not afraid to admit it.” Without waiting for a response he left Carter’s office, closing the door behind him with a thump.

‡

A
week had
passed, and he’d heard nothing from Reed, but realistically Carter didn’t expect to. From the way Reed left it between the two of them, he’d made it clear that unless Carter acknowledged the existence of their as-yet-to-be-discussed relationship and made more time for the two of them, Reed wanted no part of Carter.

He soldiered through the days like always, signing a few big contracts that normally would have him feeling good about life but instead brought him little joy. All Carter thought about were Reed’s parting words and that final, devastating kiss, so filled with desire and passion he swore he still tasted it on his tongue. For all his seeming naiveté, Reed had nailed who Carter was—a fraud. Better off without someone whose wise eyes so easily pierced his shield.

That didn’t stop his dreams from betraying him. Carter dreamed of Reed, in a world that didn’t exist for him. A world awash with color instead of grayness. One of joyful noise, not the great dark void he lived in.

Fuck it. Carter swept a file off his desk, sending reams of paper fluttering to the floor, and rested his head in his hands. He didn’t need anyone. He had Jacks, and his brother’s welfare came before anything and anybody. Sex he could find anywhere. He only had one family, and Carter was determined not to let his little brother down.

In fact, he wanted to see if Helen had found out why Jackson had such trouble sleeping lately. The pediatrician told him to keep a chart of Jacks’s sleep habits and to let them know if there were any other changes in his daily routine.

He picked up the phone and called Helen.

“Carter? Is everything okay?”

“Yes, of course. I wanted to know if you’d gotten any information from the school that might shed some light on Jacks’s sleep problems. The nightmares haven’t gone away.”

“I have a call in to the head administrator. As soon as she gets back to me, I’ll let you know.”

He knew he could count on her. Helen had never let him or Jacks down.

“Thanks. I don’t mean to push, but…”

“You want to find out if anything’s upsetting him, I understand. I do too. But to put your mind at ease a bit, I stayed for a while after drop off and the new boys Jacks has made friends with have introduced him to other children, which I personally think is good for him.”

Alarm surged through him. “Who are they? Are they nice kids?”

“Very nice. Henry and David you know, and there is another boy and two girls; they all live within half a mile of us here. It’s a good sign.”

Helen’s words didn’t reassure him. “Maybe they’re teasing him or treating him badly. What do we really know about what’s going on?”

“Carter, stop. You’re being ridiculous.”

Was he? Maybe. He had no basis for comparison. Raising a child had never been in his plan; he had no idea what he was doing. And a child with disabilities? He had no fucking clue if he was doing it right or wrong. All he knew was to give Jacks his love, and security, and do everything he could to protect him from the world.

“But how do we know? I don’t want him hurt.”

“Oh, Carter, life isn’t always going to be kind, you know that. And Jacks is a pretty resilient kid, for all his problems. I think he’s ready to take this step, and you have to let him, even if it means stumbling a little. I see how much he wants these friends.”

“I’m smothering him, is what you’re saying.”

“I don’t think—Wait. I have another call. Maybe it’s the school. I’ll call you back.”

The phone went dead in his hands, and Carter stood scowling. It was how Lucy found him when she opened the door.

“Carter, your next client is here.”

He gazed at her as if he’d never seen her before. Was this what it all came down to? Meeting after meeting, call after call, and for what? It seemed even Jacks was trying to find his place in the world, a place that no longer included Carter as the focus. Reed only wanted him if he was willing to tell him everything, but he couldn’t. The whole world he’d painstakingly built was slipping away bit by bit.

He had no answers.

“I’ll let you know when to bring them in after I finish this call from Helen.”

For now, he’d focus on his business, the one thing in his life he had total control over and had never let him down.

*     *     *

Walking into his
house to see Jackson’s face light up with a smile made every miserable part of this day irrelevant. Never one to be demonstrative, tonight Jackson got up from the kitchen table where he and Helen had been going over his homework and gave him a hug.

“Hey, buddy.” Carter smoothed Jacks’s hair off his face. It was like staring into a mirror of innocence. He and Jacks shared the same dark hair and silver eyes, but there was no taint of disappointment or hardship on Jacks’s smooth cheeks. “How’s it going?”

He didn’t expect a response, so when Jacks took his hand and led him over to the center island, Carter prepared to listen to Helen give a recap of the day. He settled down on his stool, and Jacks handed him a sheet of paper with math problems.

“I did them all.”

Frozen with shock for a second, Carter recovered and quickly glanced at Helen who unsuccessfully tried to blink back the tears which streamed down her face. Afraid to break the magic, he swallowed hard and kept his voice steady.

“You did? That’s awesome.”

The brilliant smile on Jacks’s normally somber face was as if Christmas, New Year’s, and winning the lottery all happened simultaneously.

“The teacher said they were all right.” His legs swung under the counter top. “Can I have mac and cheese for dinner?”

Helen answered him, but Carter barely heard her response; he couldn’t take his eyes off the paper. Jacks had done some fraction work and several complicated-looking logic problems. At every parent-teacher conference they’d praised Jackson’s intellectual capabilities but confided he had trouble translating what went on in his mind, putting it down on paper, and verbalizing his needs. To come home and find a set of math problems written and have a conversation about them blew Carter away.

A hand touched his. “In the phone call today the paraprofessional told me she thinks these new friends of his are not only bringing out Jacks’s need for social interaction but are helping him in other ways as well. His sleeplessness could be his body and mind adjusting to overstimulation from all the new experiences. I knew once he found his niche and other children he felt comfortable with, he’d blossom. Isn’t it wonderful?”

With a stab in his heart, Carter watched Jacks happily eat the dinner Helen had prepared. The occupational therapy he’d had several years earlier had helped him with his dexterity and muscle tone, and he had little trouble handling his utensils or pens and pencils anymore. Now he was learning to branch out emotionally and take tentative steps toward creating a social life. This breakthrough should have thrilled Carter, but instead it filled him with dread.

As much as he wanted Jacks to soar, Carter feared a crash.

“What if they decide they don’t like him anymore or don’t want to play with him? You know how sensitive he is. I’ve tried to shield him from how miserable life can be, but I can’t do it all for him.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “No matter how much I want to protect him.”

“What if they love him and it all works out? How can you keep him from it?”

A soft rain pattered against the windows, and Helen went to shut the blinds.

“How long has Jacks been with you now, three years?”

Carter slid off his stool and went to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water. “Yeah. I found you right afterward.”

“Oh, I remember.” She chuckled and shook her head when he offered her one. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so scared yet so determined to do things right.”

He glanced over at Jacks who, having finished eating, was now scrutinizing the workbook that lay open before him on the large center island in the kitchen. Everything in his life from that day forward had been planned with Jacks’s needs in mind. Carter had always wanted a home with a large kitchen and a big center island. He’d never planned on having children of his own, but having devoured family television shows as a child, a big kitchen where everyone sat around at the end of the day spelled home. As soon as Jacks came to live with him, he’d had one installed.

He felt a tug on his arm.

“Can I have dessert?” Jacks gave him one of those increasingly more common smiles. “Helen bought ice-cream pops.”

If this kept up, Carter would buy him an ice-cream truck just to have Jacks happy and feeling safe. “She did, huh? What flavors?”

“I don’t know; I’ll check.” He tore off, running over to the refrigerator and flinging open the freezer door. “Vanilla and chocolate. I want chocolate. Can I, please?”

At Carter’s nod, Jacks brought the box over to him and laid it on the center island. “I don’t want to rip the box. Can you open it?”

Recalling Jacks’s need for precision and order, Carter understood, and he showed him where the little pull tab was. “Here. Pull that, and it will open the side of the box.”

Jacks did, but a little of it stuck and tore the side off.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to ruin it.” Looking devastated, Jacks blinked back tears. “Now it won’t close right.”

“It will; it’s fine, see?” With the patience he’d taught himself in dealing with Jacks, Carter took out an ice-cream pop and then pointed out the little tab. “That fits in the little slot, and that’s all there is to it. So don’t worry.”

“Are you sure?”

“Totally. Now go eat, and then after we go over your homework, you get to pick what we do tonight since you did so well in school today.”

That was their everyday routine—dinner, dessert, homework, and then family time. He was helping Helen with her coat when Jacks, whose face was covered in smudges of chocolate, piped up, “I told my friends I’d go on the computer tonight.”

Carter heard Helen’s swift intake of breath, and he too needed a moment to respond. Before now, surprisingly, Jacks had never shown any interest in computer games.

“The computer? For what?”

“When I was over at Henry’s house he taught me to play this game called Minecraft, and it’s so fun. I want to play. Can I?”

“Minecraft?” Bewildered, he turned to Helen. “Do you know what that is?”

Chuckling, she finished buttoning up her jacket. “Oh, you’re in for it now. It’s all the rage with the kids; I hear them talking on the playground, and it’s like the black hole once they get started.”

Carter couldn’t have cared less; this newly talkative Jacks, one who asserted himself with a circle of friends, was all he’d hoped for the past three years and never thought he’d see. Despite the doctors advising him that it would take time, Carter had never believed they’d reach a milestone like he considered this day to be.

“Sure, buddy. After cleanup and homework I’ll get you set up.”

Helen left, and after he made himself a sandwich, he and Jacks cleaned up the kitchen. Armed with a big cup of coffee, he poured Jacks a glass of orange juice, and they sat down to tackle vocabulary. Jackson’s mind was anywhere but on the paper in front of him. After several attempts to settle him down, Carter issued an ultimatum.

“If you don’t finish the list of words, you’re not playing the game.”

Jackson pouted but set his jaw in determination and powered through the rest of his words while Carter ate. After testing him, Carter was satisfied he understood and closed the workbook. Helen had proven correct again when she told him once Jackson felt safe and secure enough, he’d be like a little sponge, sucking up as much information as he could take in.

“All finished. Let’s get you going on your game.”

The biggest smile he’d seen yet broke across Jackson’s face, and he danced around Carter as they walked to the living room where he had a desktop set up.

“I got really good at the game; wait until I show you.”

Carter created a profile for Jacks on the computer and then watched him sign in to the game with deliberate keystrokes, tongue caught between his teeth. An animated screen appeared, and Carter had zero desire to figure out the game that so entranced his little brother. But after settling down on the sofa and listening to Jacks’s satisfied “Yes!” and cheers, it was clear at least he was having a good time.