The Arrangement 3 (5 page)

“I’m waiting to see if you’re screwing with me or if you plan on eating it, too.”
He’s smiling, like he’s trying not to laugh.

“Oh, I’m eating it.” I grin at him and stuff the food in my mouth, taking a huge bite. The lettuce and ice cream are cold
, while the rest of it is hot. The textures and tastes mix in mouth.

Sean watches me chew. “What’s your verdict?”

I smile and wipe some chocolate from the corner of my mouth. “It’s the most confusing thing I’ve ever eaten. It’s sweet and salty, hot and cold. It’s like the bipolar burger.”

“Created by the slightly insane spray-start car girl,”
Sean says smiling at me. He takes another bite and makes a strange face when he swallows. I can’t believe he’s eating it. “I still can’t decide if it’s good or gross.”

I point a fry at him and say,
“Eat the whole thing and then decide.”

“I think you’re just trying to see what you can put in my mouth, Miss Smith.”
Sean’s eyes sparkle as he leans across the table and speaks in that velvety voice of his.

I poke him in the nose with a French fry. “I already know what I can put in your dirty mouth, Mr. Jones.”

He feigns shock and presses his fingers to his chest. “And I’ve barely told you about myself. My, my, what keen eyes you have…amongst other things.” There’s an older guy at the next table. He glances at Sean, his eyes wide.

My face flames red. I hide behind my
burger, acting like I’m going to take a bite, but it just hovers in front of my face. Sean presses a finger to the food and pushes it back to the table. I glance up at Sean. There’s a wicked look in his eye. “How can you be so shy after what we just did? There were people, Avery, and you didn’t even pause. But this, talking about it later, this makes you blush?” He’s laughing, smiling at me, teasing.

I slap his arm. “I’m a complicated person, what can I say?”

The man next to us clears his throat. He’s thin, with leathery looking skin and silver hair. A green ball cap sits on his head. He’s wearing a flannel jacket. With his tray in his hand, he stands and says to me, “Be careful with that one.” His eyes flick to Sean as he passes us, like the old guy doesn’t like him.

The smile fades off of Sean’s lips, but I call after the guy. “Actually it’s the other way around.”

The old guy gives me a look when he dumps the trash off his tray. He walks out without another word.

“So, random men warn you away from me and that’s your response?” Sean looks at me oddly. I can’t tell if he’s playing with me or really wants to know.

“Random men say lots of things to me. One guy was like,
that guy stole your car!
He was really sexy. Turns out that he’s a bit of a sex fiend.” I laugh lightly and smile at him. Sean’s eyes hold mine and I feel my stomach sink. I said the wrong thing.

But Sean glazes over it. “I was kind of shocked. Most girls would scream and call the cops
if they got carjacked.”

I point a fry at him and say, “I’m not most girls. I flashed half of Long Island that night jumping on and off your bike.”

Sean watches me. I can tell he’s going to say something terrible. I don’t want to hear it. I try to talk over him, but he puts his hand over mine and cuts me off. “You know that things can’t stay like this, don’t you? I’m not this guy.”

I don’t understand what he me
ans. How can he not be himself? But, suddenly his words snap into place. There’s a darker version of Sean. This lighter one isn’t real. It’s an illusion. I pull my hand away and pick at my food. “That’s fine. I’m not this girl.”

“Avery,” he snaps
, with a
be serious
tone.

“Sean,” I mimic him back, using the same voice. “Don’t tell me what I do or don’t see. I know you’re a fucked up mess, okay. So am I. I’m okay with it.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice is cold, warning. The rest of the meal passes in tense silence. I don’t know what to say to him. After everything that happened today, I feel closer to him and this feels like he’s pushing me away. I don’t understand why. Every time things seem okay, he acts like this. It’s driving me crazy.

Sean’s gaze doesn’t meet mine while he finishes eating. It’s like he’s stuck somewhere in the back of his mind. I wonder if he can’t come out of that darkness or if he doesn’t want to. The entire time I’m with him, I notice something. We’re very alike in how we dealt with the lot we were given, but there’s a cynical sharpness to Sean that I don’t have. He
seems to guard it, carefully wielding it when someone gets too close. That smile on his face, the one he wore that night at the steakhouse, is fake. His entire façade is a house of cards. I can’t blame him for doing anything he needs to do to hold himself together. I don’t pretend to know how he feels about his loss. It’s almost like he blames himself, that it was more than misfortune that stole his wife. I glance at his beautiful face and wonder about his child.  I can’t imagine Sean giving the baby away, not if that child is the last piece he has of his wife. But Sean doesn’t mention the baby.

My throat tightens thinking about it. Sean’s lived through hell and hides every last bit of it.  Watching him at the cemetery was the first glimpse I got of who he really is, and every time that I think I know Sean, I find out that I don’t know him at all.

After lunch, Sean drives me back to campus. The silence continues, until he turns onto the main road. “Do I need to pretend that I don’t know where you live? Or would you like me to drop you by your dorm?”

I glance at him. How does he know which dorm I’m in? I wonder if I should be concerned, but I’m not. Not looking at him, I say,
“Wherever is fine.” My emotions feel brittle like an old leaf. I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself and never crawl out of the grief that’s drowning me.

Sean
pulls up in front of my dorm. I get out and see my car parked at the end of the lot. Before I shut the door, I turn back. “Thank you.” My voice is wrong. It sounds like I’m saying something else, something I should never say to him.
I love you
. I hold his gaze for a moment and try to swallow, but I can’t.

Sean nods. “Thank you. I’ll remember today for a very long time.”

My throat tightens. Why does it feel like we’re saying good-bye? I push back the feelings, and nod at him. I close the door and walk away, thinking that I’ll see him in a few hours. I think I know what’s in store for me that evening, but I was wrong.

CHAPTER
8

As I walk toward my room, I run into Mel. She darts out of her room when she sees me walk by. I don’t feel like talking and I need to change.

Mel doesn’t seem to care though, and yanks me by the elbow. “
Whoa! Where do you think you’re going?” I whirl around and catch my balance before I fall over. Sand falls out of my pant leg onto the dingy gray carpet. Mel glances at the sand and back up at me. She crosses her arms over her ample chest and throws out her hip. Her head sways as she scolds me. “Have you lost your mind? I saw you with that guy on the beach. You can’t date anyone. Get your ass in here.” When I don’t move and flick my eyes longingly down the hallway, she snaps her fingers. “Now.”

I sigh.
“Fine. Whatever.” I follow her into her room. Her roommate is out. Mel has at least nine books open with pages marked with little sticky notes. She’s working on her research project.

“Don’t give me that shit, Avery. I saw you and if I saw you, Black could have.” She
shuts the door. After moving a book, she extends her hand to the chair I usually take when I visit her room. “Sit, and tell me what the hell you’re thinking. Black won’t pay you a cent if you violate your contract, which—by the way—you did by making out with some guy on the beach.”

My eyes feel tired, strained. I glance up at her. “How’d you find me?”

She cocks her head to the side and makes a face. “Do you think I’m stupid?” Tapping her finger to her lips, she says, “Let’s see, what are the three places Avery runs off to when she’s psychotically upset?” Mel ticks them off on her finger as she lists my three places. “One, that shitty old church out in timbuckfuckingtoo, which is a hell of a drive to make when you’re not already out there. Two, your parent’s grave. And three, Jones Beach, Field five. Seriously, what the hell is going through your head?” She folds her arms over her chest and taps her foot. Mel is still standing in front of me. I know she’s scolding me because she knows what’s at stake—everything, my whole life.

I don’t look at her when I speak. “I didn’t realize you knew all those places.”

“A girl can’t have a brain? Since your parents died, I know exactly where to find you when you go into that super funk, but Avery—after everything you went through to get that job and you already did the nasty with a client—why are you throwing it away?” Her arms fall to her sides and her voice softens a little.

“I’m not,” I say
, feeling emotionally barren. “The guy on the beach was Sean. I ran out to the cemetery. You’re right about that.” She nods like
damn straight I’m right
. I glance up at her. “Please sit. Today’s been hard and I really don’t need you towering over me like you’re going to strangle me.”

Mel grumbles and then plops down on her bed. “Go on.”

“Sean was there. I didn’t see him at first.” I feel the story stick in my throat. I don’t want to talk about it, but I need to. I tell her about the paper that fell out of his coat, his wife’s name, about what I thought. “But I was wrong. She died and I don’t know what happened to the baby, he doesn’t talk about it. He’s hollow, like me.” I’m staring into nothing as I speak. My voice echoes in my ears. I feel like I’m not even here anymore.

“Bullshit.” Mel rushes toward me, which shocks the hell out of me. Grabbing me by the shoulders, she pins me back in the chair. She shakes me hard, yelling in my face as she does it. “Wake the fuck up!” Mel releases me. I blink rapidly and look at her like she’s nuts. “You think this is a game? You don’t have the
luxury to have that spaced out look on your face. One mistake Avery, just one goddamned mistake will send you into cardboard-box-land and you’ll never come back.

“
This was a mistake. You’re falling for him. That’s a bigger mistake. There’s nothing there for you. The guy is fucked up beyond repair. He hired a call girl so he wouldn’t have to deal with whatever shit happened to him. It’s none of your business. He’s not yours. He never will be, so stop thinking about him like that.

“
This will ruin you, Avery. Maybe you don’t see it yet, but I sure as hell do. And you’re not like him. I know you think you are, I see it on your pasty face, but you’re not. He has no soul. That guy is dead inside. You aren’t. You’re still fighting back. Don’t give up, girl. As your best friend, as a girl who’s had her share of shit, don’t surrender. You and me, we’re survivors. You’re going to get through this. You’re going to finish college, get your master’s degree, and get the hell out of here. I know you will.”

Mel’s passion is contagious. I feel incredibly stupid for moping around, for attaching myself to someone who doesn’t want me. Swallowing hard, I a
sk, “How do you know? I mean, Sean seems—”

Mel leans toward me and places her hand on my shoulder. “Listen. I’m going to tell you how I know
, and don’t think that I’m mean. I’m just telling you what’s real, okay?” I nod slowly. Fear pulses through my body. I can already tell that I’m not going to like what she has to say. “That boy don’t love you. He’s not even into you. He came to Black and asked for a virgin. That was it, Avery. You were the only one, so he took you. I was there when he called. He wanted a curvy blonde. Black said all we had was you. You’re not his type. You’re a warm pussy to fuck and nothing more. Avery, do your job and get the hell away from him.” She tightens her grip on my shoulder.

I can’t look at her. Inside my head, I know that’s all I am. I’m a hooker, but sometimes it seems like more. My jaw locks as she speaks. When I try to talk, I work it to loosen the tense
muscles. “You’re right. I know you’re right…”

“And?”

“And, nothing. I’m nothing to him. All this is new to me. I can’t separate my heart from my body.” I blink slowly, trying to get the burning sensation in my eyes to stop.

Mel
sits down across from me, but still within reach. “Admitting that it’s just sex is the first part. Doing it over and over again is what steels your heart. When you do it that way, you don’t know who they are and you won’t care. It’s money, it’s a stress-reliever, it’s fun—but it’s never love. Avery, you got to remember that. They want no strings, no emotional attachment, and that’s what we give them.” Mel pauses for a second and then glances at me, like she shouldn’t be asking. “What do you think about taking another client? It would help you get over this one.”

“I already told Black that I would.” My chest feels like it’s going to cave in. The
pressure’s too much.

“Good. Good.
” Mel pats my knee. “That’s the first step out of this. When you do it with another guy, you’ll see that what you feel for Sean is just a trick your mind’s playing on you; that it was only fucking. If you told Black that you want another client, she’ll have you agree to the person and sign the contract tonight before going to Sean. Sign them. Don’t wait. It’ll keep things from getting more muddled. You can do this, Avery. It’s a good job.” Her eyes are so vibrant. She’s leaning toward me, trying to hold my gaze.

I nod slowly, like I’m stuck in a vat of gelatin. “I know it is, but I don’t know if I can shut him out. How do I do that?”
I ask, glancing up at her. I feel so lost, so alone. I bury my face in my hands and breathe.

“It’s a job
, Avery. Keep things that way. Let him lead and don’t kiss him, don’t give the chance for anything else. The guy has got to have some fetish shit going on. Drag it out of him and do it. That’ll shatter your prince charming version of him real fast.” She pats my knee again, and then grabs my hands and pulls me up. “You need some fun.” I start to protest, but she waves me off. “No, I know you gotta get ready, but you’ll like this fun. Come on.”

Mel drags me down the hallway and stops in front of my door. She grins at me with
mischief her eyes. Mel presses her fingers to her lips, telling me to be quiet. Then she turns the knob and kicks open the door. The door makes a loud thud. Naked guy is standing at the counter. He jumps a mile. I can’t believe he’s still here. I look around for Amber. The light in the bathroom is on and the shower is running.

Mel walks in, sashaying her hips and
making a beeline for naked dude. I follow her in and watch, leaving the door open behind me.

“Hey
, ladies,” he grins at us, “Is it time for a threesome? I got my—” The smile falls off his face. Concern flashes in his eyes when he sees Mel coming for him.

“I want you to take your skinny
ass out of this room and never come back.” As she walks, Mel passes the turkey carcass and takes the carving knife. Mel flips it in her hand like she’s a ninja. My mouth falls open. So does naked guy’s.

He lifts his palms, “Ladies
, please. I can do you both separately. That’s not a problem.” His normal bravado is gone. His voice sounds like it’s stuck in his throat. Mel flips the knife. It turns handle over blade several times and then she catches it in her hand.

“Sure, pasty. Let’s do i
t. I’ve got a bit of a pain fetish though, so let’s just say that this won’t be pleasant—for you.” Mel smiles at him.

Naked guy doesn’t speak. He glances across the room. His clothes are at the foot of Amber’s bed. He smiles at Mel like he’s going to say yes, then turns on his heel and runs. Naked guy nearly knocks me over, muttering
crazy bitches
under his breath and tears down the hallway. Laughter follows in his wake. Mel grins at me, and stabs the knife into the cutting board.

A few seconds later, we see naked guy running across the quad
, out the window. I laugh. Apparently his exhibitionism was only for a lucky few ladies, because he’s screaming like a lunatic as he runs for the bookstore. I wonder if he plans on buying new clothes or hiding in the stacks.

“You kni
fe juggling nut,” I say to Mel, laughing.

“Nobody plays w
ussy games like darts, not where I’m from.” She laughs and looks out the window. “Did you see his face?”

I did. Smiling, I joke, “I think Amber lost her fuck-buddy.”

As if summonsed, Amber appears in the bathroom doorway. Her hair is wrapped in a towel and she’s wearing a ratty old robe. She rolls her eyes when she sees us. “Get out of here, bitch,” she says to Mel, which was a mistake. No one says that to Mel.

Mel walks over to her and growls in her face, “What’d you call me, you little piece of—”

I tug Amber’s arm. She doesn’t move. I hiss in her ear, “That was like the worst thing you could have called Mel. All those rumors about her growing up in the hood are true and you just pissed her off. You might want to run before she rips your face off.”

Amber comes to life. She frantically mutters things that make no sense and
finally says, “I have to go.” She races out the door in her robe and doesn’t come back.

I hug Mel and say, “I owe you one. Thank you.”

She nods. “What are friends for if they can’t chase off hoes and guys with little winkies?” We both laugh. Mel turns to leave and says, “Get dressed in peace. I’ll check in with you in the morning. We can have pancakes. I’m running a syrup deficit.”

I watch her walk away. Confidence lines her shoulders, even though her life has sucked. It’s made her stronger and she’s better for it. I’m done moping. I’m not letting my past consume me. I don’t care what it
takes, I’ll survive because I want to—on my own terms. Fuck everything else. I deserve a happy life.