The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole! (1) (26 page)

“What the hell is a Chuzzle?”

“He’s my friend,”
 
Leon beams, proud to say the words, “and we are going to kick this Apocalypse’s ass!”

O’Coddle laughs and asks again, “Are you sure you didn’t see Father Maniwhore?”

Leon rolls his eyes and gestures at the store around them. “Father, how could a big creepy bastard like Father Maniwhore sneak past us all?”

As if in answer to his question, the wall to the peep booth hallway explodes, flinging leather gear across the store. Two shapes hit the ground in a fury, punching and kicking each other in a blur of white feathers and furry goat legs.
 
Bud and Billie bolt from the hallway, Bud with his pants undone and Billie with a smile on his face. When Frank sees Jake fighting a demon, he growls and lunges forward.

Father Maniwhore stands over Jake, completely naked. From the waist down, he has the body of a goat, with the exception of his massive swinging dick. Maniwhore kicks Frank in the chest with both hooves, sending the big angel over the counter onto a pale Jerome. The angel’s battleaxe slides across the ground until it stops at Leon’s and Father O’Coddle’s feet.

Maniwhore leans in to pummel Jake, but the angel lands a punch on his long, wide, half-demonic nose. Maniwhore backs off for a second, but before Jake can get to his feet, he receives a hoof to the ass that sends him crashing into the Wall of Classic Porn.

Jake lands in a heap and is quickly battered by a landslide of ancient porn on VHS. Frank regains his senses and jumps the glass counter, landing on Maniwhore’s back. Frank’s wings open and flap as he lifts Maniwhore off the ground, pummeling him with his free fist. Blood drips to the floor, and stray white feathers float in a lazy arc behind them.

With a shriek, Maniwhore rakes his talon-like claws across Frank’s face. Frank lets go, but Maniwhore grabs one of Frank’s wings as he falls. He pulls down and twists, breaking the wing and forcing a scream of agony from Frank. The angel crashes into the dildo display case. Maniwhore is on him in a flash, pulling the angel’s head back by his hair. Frank opens his mouth as if to scream again, but Maniwhore stuffs the biggest dildo, the three-foot-long, nine-inch-thick Party Monster, down his throat. Frank gags and chokes on the giant jelly prick.

Spurred by the sight of his wounded friend, Jake rallies and flies at
Maniwhore. Maniwhore sees him out of the corner of his eye and throws the second-biggest dildo, the two-foot-long, six-inch-thick Little Monster, hitting Jake in the face and breaking his nose. When the angel puts his hands to his face to stop the flow of blood, Maniwhore jumps at him, knocking him to the ground, where he straddles him, tearing feathers from his wings. He flings handfuls of the feathers, white at first and then crimson, into the air where they float peacefully, belying the violence that gave them flight.

Frank pulls the massive dildo out of his throat and pukes at the release. Maniwhore lets Jake be for the moment, taking a flying leap at Frank. His hooves slam down on Frank’s legs, and the sound of bones shattering radiates through the sex shop. Father Maniwhore grabs Frank by his hair and slaps him hard across the face with his dick. Frank falls to the ground, and Maniwhore stomps down on Frank’s square chin, sending gleaming white teeth skittering across the floor. Maniwhore whoops and stomps on the side of Frank’s head with such force that the angel’s blue eyes squirt out of his face in opposite directions. Frank twitches and dies before Jake can recover enough to save his friend.

Father O’Coddle stares at the scene, his jaw popping back and forth.

Bud gawks at the carnage and zips up his pants.

Big tears slip down Billie’s delicate cheeks while he trembles like a leaf, frozen in fear.

Jerome cowers under all the other dildos, praying he won’t be made to swallow one.

Maniwhore stares at Leon, Billie, Father O’Coddle, and Bud. He flips them the bird, gives his prick a few strokes, and jumps back on the moaning Jake. Maniwhore resumes destroying his wings while Jake bellows in pain.

When Leon sees Maniwhore’s black cock, the dick bruise on his cheek feels like it is about to burst into flames. Something inside Leon’s newly rewired brain snaps, and he picks up the battleaxe. His fury bubbles over, and he runs screaming into the fight. Maniwhore turns when he hears Leon’s war cry: “I’m gonna fucking kill you and cut your prick off!”

Maniwhore scoffs. It is the last thing he does before Leon decapitates him. Maniwhore’s head, its goatish face still mid-scoff, rolls into a pile of golden shower DVDs. As his body sways and falls, his head blinks and asks Leon, “Are you talking right, Leon?”
 

Leon scowls at the demonic head and tells it, “I’m gonna hack your prick to bits, you son of a goat whore!”
 

“What do I care? … I’m dying …”
 
Maniwhore mumbles as his eyes go dark.

“Argh!”
 
Leon yells, turning on the fallen corpse. He shakes with rage at the hard-on mocking him from the between the demon’s goat legs.
“Fuck demon dick!”

Leon squeals and grunts and curses and swings the battleaxe at the dead but raging boner. Gore splatters the walls, knocking the prison lesbian DVDs off their shelves. Bud, Father O’Coddle, and Billie scream as one for Leon to stop. He hears nothing beyond the string of nonsense curse words ringing in his head as he chops the demon to pulp from the waist down.

Billie whispers to Jake, “I can save you, soldier.”
 
He leans forward, and Leon’s backswing cleaves his dainty head from his shoulders. His headless corpse falls on Jake’s mangled wings, and the battle angel screams into the floor.

“Leon!”
 
Bud and Father O’Coddle yell at the exact same time.

Leon turns to face them with his chest heaving and madness dancing in his eyes. He raises the bloody double-bladed axe and smiles at them.

They both nod to the floor, Bud in the direction of Billie’s head, which rolls facedown into the growing puddle of Frank’s blood, Father O’Coddle in the direction of the headless corpse and the dying angel beneath it. Leon looks at the head, then the body, then back to Bud and Father O’Coddle. “I’m keeping this axe,”
 
he tells them.

“Jesus, Leon, that was insane,”
 
Bud says.

“But now I’m really in a demon-killing mood,”
 
Leon snarls back. “Better grab what you need, Bud.”

“Right,”
 
Bud says, eyeing Leon nervously, “I’ll be right back.”
 

Bud disappears into his bomb shelter. Leon walks past Father O’Coddle to the janitor closet. He grabs his mug, slings his backpack over his shoulder, and walks to the soda machine, which was smashed open in all the chaos. He grabs a soda off the floor, pops the top, and fills his mug. As he snaps the lid back on the mug, he asks Father O’Coddle, “Are you coming with us, Father?”

“N-n-n-ooo,”
 
O’Coddle stammers. “I’m going to absolve the corpses. The angels are from the Lord. His soldiers perished in his war. And Father Maniwhore served as a priest for decades, the good he must have done … sometimes … maybe by accident …”
 

Bud returns with an M-16 over/under fully automatic slung over one shoulder and two heaping backpacks over the other. A .44 sits snug in a holster around Bud’s waist, and a sheathed knife is strapped to each of his thighs. He’s even changed into his favorite Hustler tee shirt—the black one with the bright pink logo.

“Fuck yeah,”
 
Leon says.

“You coming?”
 
Bud asks Father O’Coddle.

“No. Leon and I just talked about it, and we think I should stay and absolve the dead,”
 
Father O’Coddle says solemnly.

Leon says, “He’s going to see if Jerome has any tweek.”
 

Father O’Coddle winces. Leon and Bud start for the door.

Father O’Coddle calls out, “Leon,”
 
in a high, needy tone.

“Oh, yeah,”
 
Leon says, raising his straw to his lips. “He’s under all the dildos. And tell him,”
 
Leon takes a long refreshing pull from his mug, “cock cock Satan cock.”

Apocalypse Right Fucking NOW!

We’
ve
Come
for Your Codes,
Asshole

Thomas S. Phimpham, the president of the United States of America, the commander in chief, the man to whom the military reports, the person who wields more power than anyone in the world, is crouched under his desk in the Oval Office with a bottle of Lone Star in one hand and a Bible in the other.

A whole case of ice-cold goodness teeters atop a massive stack of papers. It sweats condensate on briefs and treaties. Piles of papers that were waiting to be signed are shuffled out of order, covered in spilled beer and the roaches from smoked joints. Bottles lie here and there like downed bowling pins, and when his advisors come into the office, they must take care to step over them or risk ending up on their asses.

The Oval Office smells like a brewery. And sex.
Ass, to be exact.

The first lady is curled up under the massive desk next to him. He’s just finished fucking her silly over the desk, something he has wanted to do for years. He finally talked her into something different. It took a six pack and enough pot to choke a lifetime stoner, but she finally dropped her silk chastity belt.

“Bera, get yer ass up. The joint chiefs wanna shit down.” He smacks her butt. She rolls away from him and jabs him in the side with a very sharp shoe.

“Fuck off and let me sleep, Tommy.” She doesn’t sound sleepy; she sounds pissed off. Can’t blame her. He has always wanted to try the old Sodom and Gomorrah, but she never liked the idea and told him to go find some sheep if he wanted to butt fuck something.

“You said you’d be more careful.” She kicks him again.

“I didn’t mean ta, I swear! And don’t call me Tommy in my place of bidness. I told you about that.” He stifles a laugh.
Didn’t mean to
my ass.
Or her ass.
Haven’t heard her squeal like that in a good long time.

“Jerk.” She tugs her skirt down her legs with a wince.

“Get yer ass up. I got stuff to take care of. Got the damn Russians wantin’ to go nuklar, got the Chinese wantin’ to bring in a buttload of little slant-eyed bastards to help us. More like take over if I give ‘em half a chance.” He takes a long pull on the beer bottle, smacks his lips loudly and belches. “Sorry about the buttload comment.”

She kicks him again and pulls a joint out of the little cubbyhole under the desk. One of the forefathers may have used it to hide a weapon or a bottle, but Tommy Boy keeps a stash of weed and coke for rainy days.

The smell of ganja fills the Oval Office again.

The chatter of gunfire and explosions fills the streets outside. Grunts and screams filter into the room. Something slams into the side of the White House, but she can take it. Over the years, the old bricks and mortars were replaced by steel and a composite plastic that can stand up to a rocket-propelled grenade. A direct hit from one of those seek and destroy missiles would probably take her out. They told him that the first day in office. But the chances of one getting anywhere near the White House
are
about as slim as an anorexic donkey.

Something else hits the building and shakes it all the way down to the foundation.

“Holy shit balls! That dog had some bite!”

Bera scoots a little farther under the desk and pulls at the joint before handing it to her husband. He takes a deep lungful of the Carolina Pete blend that his cousin Johnny-Lee-Boy Phimpham grows in a trailer park. It’s good shit, the kind that makes you all happy, makes you care about fuck all.
Just what he needs.
Fuck all.

There is a polite knock at the door. The president peeks over the top of the desk and calls out a tentative “Yepper?”

“Sir.” A head pokes in. It’s Sinclair, one of his top secret service agents. Tommy likes him because he can drink like a fish and still tell decent racial jokes. But he once confided in the president that he likes to wear a diaper and a saddle while his boy toy Jethro rides him and tells him to head for the Alamo.